The Shinra Survival Guide
Disclaimer: We know the routine. As much as I wish, I don't own FF7 or Sephiroth. Sure, the group pops in to visit and tell me the crazy antics that happen in the building, but that's about it.
Chapter Three
Things were still chaotic in the Shinra building. It had been a rough week, but it gave him plenty of ideas for the next installment of the Survival Guide. And so, on a Thursday night, Genesis and Angeal hung out at Sephiroth's apartment and ordered pizza.
The next morning, as always, the Survival Guide was waiting in everyone's inbox.
.:.
Rule #15- 'Yo Momma' jokes are not to be told to the General.
a. Under any circumstances.
b. No one but you will be held responsible for all injuries inflicted upon your person.
Sephiroth was sick and tired of 'yo momma' jokes. Enough said.
Rule #16- Security cameras are to be used for security purposes only.
a. Turks aren't exempt from this rule.
Someone was using the security cameras to spy on people and set up practical jokes. Seeing that only Turks use the system, it wasn't hard to figure out who it was.
Rule #17- Explosives are to be detonated in the explosive range only.
a. It doesn't matter how explosive said explosives are.
Someone was really going out of their way to drive the General insane. In three days, three different remote controlled cars carrying low-yield explosives drove into his office, quietly rolled under his chair, and promptly detonated. The only damage was a series of black burns in the linoleum and there was now a hole in the ceiling of Sephiroth's office and the floor of the above level. However, he broke rule 16 by going to said Turk who was the source of rule 16 and found out who it was.
He also promptly broke rules 3 and 17 while getting revenge on the source of rule 17. He saw on the screens the unsuspecting 2nd jump high enough to almost make a dent in the ceiling. To this day, he still had the taped footage of his revenge.
Rule #18- Laxitives are restricted to those who need it.
a. Whoever was behind the incident better keep it a secret from the General.
b. Tell him and he'll probably gut you like a chocobo.
Everyone in the building knew that the General was an avid coffee drinker and couldn't live without a cup of coffee on his desk. Said General realized a bit too late that someone had put a nasty surprise in the SOLDIER coffee. Unfortunately, since he drank more coffee than most on the SOLDIER floor, the effects of the surprise (aka laxitive), was magnified. Said General moved doing paperwork in the men's restroom.
Rule #19- The PA system is for important announcements and/or emergencies.
a. Music is neither of these.
b. Not everyone enjoys listening to Four Chocobo Day.
Someone started pumping Four Chocobo Day through the speakers. Most either enjoyed the music or ignored the mellow music with the exception of some people, most notably firsts. Sephiroth nearly fell asleep while doing paperwork due to the mellow music.Genesis, who loathed Four Chocobo Day, hunted down the cause of the music and threatened the person behind it with painful suffering leading to death and the music promptly stopped.
Rule #20- The use of Materia is restricted to the Training Room and the Materia Range.
a. Notice that the hallways is not listed.
b. Enough making water in the hallways.
c. It leaves a mess.
Someone decided to see if they could make a sheet of ice in the hallway with Blizzard and then used Fire on said sheet of ice, leaving a puddle. Sephiroth was busy reading a report while walking to his office. Everyone had a good laugh when they saw the General on the floor with a startled expression. Said General was not pleased.
.:.
"Hopefully, we can stop making new rules," Sephiroth stated, looking at his two closest friends.
"Doubt it," Genesis stated as he saw a remote controlled car sneak up behind Sephiroth and promptly blew up.
Sephiroth looked around to try to spot a certain 2nd class SOLDIER, but couldn't. But he did see a security camera nearby and shot said security camera a death glare.
"With Zack here, there won't be an end to the chaos," Angeal stated, "especially when he has a Turk helping him."
.:.
Author's Note: October 12, 2008
Finally a chapter with all-original rules. Some of these I had no idea where they came from. As for Four Chocobo Day, it's a play on a name of a band that my dad got me into at an early age. I wonder if it's as balant to me as it is for the rest of you guys. I haven't checked on the site since I posted up the previous chapter of Survival Guide. It's about time that I actually worked on this. I've spent all last week and most of the week before sulking about my newest ex. When I wrote Rule 19, I was actually listening to the song 'Family of Man' by Three Dog Night so that might be what gave me inspiration.
As for Rule 15, I have no idea what insanity gave me that idea. I could just see some 2nds go 'hmm...wonder if I could get the General miffed at me' or told him a 'yo momma' joke just out of good fun, not realizing that Sephy's got mother issues.
Well, I gotta go and see if my mental juices are ready to tackle ch13 of BtV (yes I'm really that far ahead on BtV).
Until Later!
Gregora