The Shinra Survival Guide

Disclaimer: Okay, I got the idea for this fic when I was thinking about my all-time favorite Stargate Atlantis fic. I was thinking "they should have a guide for Shinra…after all, there will either be people as hyper as Zack or bored enough to do the insane things that will cause trouble." And so, this was made.

I don't own anything except for my OCs. Everything else belongs to Square Enix, or so they say.

Chapter One

Sephiroth was annoyed as he stood in front of Lazard, who was as calm as he knew he himself appeared to be. Underneath the calm exterior, he was annoyed at how chaos had taken hold of the entire building.

"And what do you expect me to do? We've tried taking messages to the Mess Hall message board," Lazard stated.

And then it hit him.

"I've got an idea," Sephiroth stated with an amused grin.

.:.

"I'm going to need your help," Sephiroth told his two closest friends.

"With what?" Angeal asked.

"If you want our help, you're going to need to tell us what you need help with," Genesis said.

.:.

"And now to send this," Sephiroth stated as he pressed a button on his PHS, sending the message to everyone within Shinra, including the Turks.

.:.

The next morning, a nice text message was sent to everyone within SOLDIER, supposedly coming from a sender known as the "Guidemaker". Everyone had received the message, including Sephiroth, Genesis, and Angeal. They shared a bemused smile as they read their handiwork.

.:.

This is the Shinra Survival Guide. Every week, rules that aren't in the manual but should be will be sent to you. There is no way you can get out of this. I have noticed that chaos has controlled the building too long and begs that this be made.

Rule #1- Rollerblading in the hallways are discouraged.

Just because it is a faster way to get to meetings doesn't mean it's safer.

It is a hazard to everyone else's safety.

It is a hazard to your safety if you run over General Sephiroth.

The incident that caused him the most grief was when Zack, realizing that walking or running was too slow for him to arrive at an important meeting on time had put on the pair of rollerblades that he used to go to work and back to his apartment and started tearing down the halls. Sephiroth had come out of a blind corner and got ran over by Zack, who sped up even more when he noticed that he had an angry General running after him. Once Sephiroth caught Zack, he used the Masamune on Zack's rollerblades and threatened to kill the younger man if he continued to rollerblade down the halls.

Rule #2- Spit wads are banned.

Spit wads are a death wish if aimed at those above you in rank.

It is advisable not to aim spit wads at the General.

Sephiroth was tired of being pelted by spit wads. So were Genesis and Angeal. All three vowed if they ever caught those who were responsible, they would murder the said person.

Rule #3- Practical jokes aren't practical at all.

Especially when aimed at the General.

For some reason, Sephiroth felt that he was a target of practical jokes. Angeal and Genesis seemed to never have practical jokes pulled on them at all. He was starting to get suspicious.

Rule #4- When you have the last cup of coffee in the pot, please make more.

It's common sense, people.

You don't want caffeine-deprived SOLDIERs hunt you down for not making more coffee.

Or caffeine-deprived Turks

Or anyone for that matter.

Everyone agreed that they hated when the pot was empty. Well, except for Genesis. He drank tea. Zack drank hot cocoa, so it didn't bother him too much, either.

Rule #5- Lightning isn't to be given to any SOLDIERs who doesn't need the energy boost.

That includes you, Zack Fair.

It's bad enough that you're hyper to begin with.

We don't need you bouncing off the walls.

Cissnei gave Zack an energy soda called Lightning. That day, he tore up the entire SOLDIER floor. The next day, Zack was so exhausted that not even coffee helped.

Rule #6- When you know that the last can of coffee has been opened, please inform your superiors.

It is not a happy sight when someone finds out that there's no more coffee left.

We don't need another riot of caffeine-deprived people.

Reno drank up the last cupful of SOLDIER's coffee and didn't make another pot. Sephiroth, annoyed at the lack of coffee tried making another pot, only to find out that the can of coffee was empty. Within an hour, there had been a riot forming in the SOLDIER break room. It didn't help that to acquisition a new can, it would cause Sephiroth more paperwork and would take a day for a new shipment of coffee. In dire need of their caffeine fix, a group of SOLDIERs marched into the Turk floor and acquisitioned their last can of coffee. Thus started the Great Coffee War.

Rule #7- Do not mess with the Lego room in the Science floor.

You don't know who was playing with them.

You don't know what the person had been touching.

Scientists are exempt from this rule.

A group of SOLDIERs and Turks had taken up a new hobby- playing with the scientist's Lego's. Sephiroth saw this as an annoyance when he needed Zack to redo a piece of paperwork and he had to sneak into the Science floor only to find the youthful SOLDIER playing with lego's.

Rule #8- During any meals in the mess hall, do not carry in any outside food.

You will get brutally attacked.

You are the exception if you bring enough for everyone.

Reno got brutally attacked when he carried in a bag of food from Burger Joint. Enough said.

.:.

The three friends shared smiles as they read the rules they craftily made up as they saw everyone mutter about them. They all hoped people would read the rules and follow them. They have warned the whole building, after all.

"Got any more ideas for rules?" Angeal asked his two friends.

"I'll think of something. We do have a week after all," Genesis stated with a smile.

.:.:.

Author's Corner: September 27, 2008

No I haven't abandoned BtV yet. I still have a lot of stuff to upload so I'm not on as much of a tight schedule. This came about due to a few things: I live in a place where there's a lot of people, so some of the events gave rise to some of these rules (mainly the coffee-related rules) and I remembered my all-time favorite Stargate Atlantis fanfic ever. So I decided to do something like this. If any of you guys got any ideas for rules or challenges, please send them my way.

And yes, I do have a new lappy and I hope this thing lasts for a while. I did get it insured by both Toshiba (since that's the company who made it) and the Geek Squad. So that means I will now be very regular in uploading chapters. Well, I got to go. A friend of mine has her b-day today and I need to give her her b-day present.

Until Later!

Gregora

P.S.: Lightning is a soda I just made up. Think of it as a combination of Jolt, Surge, and Mountain Dew. Burger Joint was a restaurant from another FF7 fic I made, which is a cross between McDonald's and Burger King. There's got to be at least 1 fast food restaurant in every sector.

Update: 10-02-08

Well, the cause of the update that a rule came too close to another person's fic, but I did get some good ideas for new rules to add to the next chapter!