Funny Money by Robin
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Disclaimer: This story is based on characters copyrighted by Warner Brothers and Shoot the Moon Production Company. It is meant for enjoyment purposes only, I retain the right to the plot and not the characters. Do not distribute or copy this story in part or full without the express written consent of the author. Thank you.

Friday, February 14, 1992

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It was a cold, winter day in Washington D.C. Sitting in his office at the Justice Department, Lee Stetson was intently working. For once, he was glad to be in a warm office and no longer out in the field as he had for so many years. Unfortunately, the morning had been nothing but interruptions and problems, one after another. It had been a long week with his wife away, and he was still trying to get his report finished and turned in, before the weekend.

Leaning back in his chair he allowed his mind to wander, and a happy grin formed on his face. If things worked out right, he and Amanda would have the house to themselves for the weekend, and would be able to celebrate their fifth wedding anniversary a few days late. Unfortunately, the weather was threatening to hinder their plans. He just got off the phone with his wife. The snow would delay her flight, but for how long, neither of them knew for sure. His smile turned into a scowl as he struggled to avoid glancing out the window at the threatening sky; he could hear the steady wind whip against the window. Instead, he studied the words on his computer screen, trying desperately to finish his report. He wanted to depart early, and prepare for the weekend.

A few minutes later, the phone rang again, and Lee Stetson knew it couldn’t be good news. Nobody calls on Friday afternoon, when there’s a three-day weekend, with good news. Glaring at the distraction, he picked up the receiver and bellowed into it. “Stetson!...” pausing for a moment before he continued. “Woody, how’s it going you old dog?”

There was silence on the phone as the other man spoke, but within seconds, Lee Stetson’s demeanor changed. “You’re kidding me, right?... When?... Where is he?... For what?... OK, I’ll be right there. Thanks for the heads up!”

Several hours later…

“You doing all right, Philip?” Lee asked as they swiftly walked out of the judicial center, but each of them appeared as if the weight of the world was on their shoulders.

Looking down at the ground and in a dejected voice, he replied, “Yeah.”

The rest of the walk to Lee’s car was in silence, but Lee Stetson knew he had to get to the bottom of what actually had happened. As they drove toward the house in Arlington, Lee asked his stepson another question. “You know, one day we’ll look back at this and laugh, knowing it was a big mistake. How about you explain to me what happened?”

“No,” he answered curtly, staring out the window.

“Philip,” Lee grumbled, gritting his teeth, trying to remain patient, but the evidence against his stepson was clear, and he wasn’t doing a thing to help himself. “This is a Federal offense.”

“Yeah, I know,” he answered dejectedly.

Lee tightened the grip he had on his steering wheel. At the moment, he wanted to grab his stepson by the neck and throttle him until he came to his senses. Lee Stetson had been given a special briefing by Woody Kraus, from Secret Service. The only thing Lee knew for sure was that Philip King was in a heap of trouble. “You’re not helping anyone by not cooperating with the authorities.”

“Does Mom know I’ve been arrested?” he questioned, now looking at his stepfather for the first time since he’d picked him up from jail.

“No.”

Silence engulfed the car for several miles. Eventually, Philip asked meekly, “Any chance we can keep this between you and me?”

Lee shook his head, never saying a word. They both knew the answer to that question. Soon, he pulled into the driveway of the house, parked the car, and stared at his stepson.

“I didn’t think so,” Philip sighed heavily. “What time will she be home?”

“Your mom’s in Chicago on business. I spoke to her earlier today. She planned to fly out this afternoon, but her flight was delayed because of the snow. Depending upon the weather conditions, she might not make it home until late, maybe even tomorrow,” Lee replied, opening up his car door and stepping out.

“What about Jamie?”

“On a ski trip this weekend with the Ferguson’s; come on. The coast is clear - for now.”

“You know, I didn’t ask them to call you,” Philip reminded his stepfather as he followed him to the back door of the house.

Lee Stetson sighed heavily. Despite being allowed a phone call, Philip King failed to call him when he’d been arrested. In fact, Lee wasn’t sure whom he called, if anyone. Joe King had been a lawyer, but his death last year left Lee as the official patriarch of the King-Stetson household. It was a role he’d gotten comfortable with after he and Amanda had publicly announced their marriage back in 1988.

“Is that supposed to make me feel better?” Lee prodded, pushing the key into the lock, opening the door and keying his code into the alarm system. “I might have expected that from Jamie years ago, but never from you. I thought that you, of all people, trusted me?”

Philip trudged into the family room and sank down into the couch. “Of course I trust you. It’s just that… I didn’t want to get you involved. You know, you work for the government. The Justice Department and all…”

“Did you really think you could keep this a secret from me or your mother?”

“Yes…, no!” Philip rubbed his forehead with his hand. “I don’t know. I’m still not sure what the hell happened, Lee. One minute I’m at the mall and everything is fine, the next minute I’m being arrested.”

“They might not have arrested you if you’d been more cooperative about where you got the counterfeit money!” Lee reminded him, trying to remain calm, but his voice had an edge to it. The Secret Service wanted to know who gave Philip King the bills in question, or where he came across them. Despite several hours of interrogation, Philip King kept silent.

“I wish dad was still alive,” Philip commented aloud, leaning back on the couch. “How am I going to afford a lawyer?”

“Maybe you don’t need one,” Lee prodded, sitting down in the family room across from Philip.

“No, I’m gonna need one,” he replied, shaking his head. “How am I going to tell Mom?”

Lee Stetson decided to try another tack. “Why were you up here in DC in the first place? Shouldn’t you be at school?”

“My girlfriend’s grandfather is sick. They didn’t think he’d make it until the weekend. I offered to drive her home.”

“When was that?”

“Yesterday afternoon,” Philip replied, and before Lee could give him a lecture, he continued. “I only missed one class and it’s my first cut. I don’t have classes on Friday this semester.”

“Lucky for you. Did you spend the night at her house?” Lee asked trying to fill in the blanks, and figure out the details that brought his stepson up to DC, and where he came across the bills in question.

“No, it turns out she lives a few blocks from Grandma and Curt. I had planned to come home, but I stopped in to see Grandma, and well, I got talked into staying there…”

“Yes, your grandmother can be very persuasive,” Lee laughed, knowing how Dotty could be. “So tell me, where did you get the money?”

“Lee! I don’t want to talk about it.” Philip stood up and started to pace around the room anxiously.

“Damn it, Philip, why won’t you won’t let me help?”

“Because I’m not a little kid anymore who has to come running back to his parents for help. I’m an adult. I have to take care of things myself.”

“Being an adult doesn’t mean you can’t ask for help when you need it, Philip. Together we can figure out what happened.”

“Lee, I appreciate the offer, but I got myself into this mess; I’ll get myself out of it. Now, if you don’t mind, I’d like to drop the subject,” Philip said, plopping back down on the couch. Then glancing back at his stepfather he remarked, “I don’t suppose you have a beer?”

“How about a soda?” Lee replied, shaking his head at his underage stepson.

“Come on, Lee,” Philip whined.

“Aren’t you in enough trouble at the moment?”

Philip nodded, and Lee got up and rummaged through the fridge. Calling out to his stepson, he asked, “Coke or Sprite?”

“Coke.”

“You want something to eat? Your mother stocked the fridge before she left. I still have some leftover chicken, or a couple of pieces of lasagna.”

“No, I’m kind of sick to my stomach right now.”

“Yeah, I can understand that,” Lee concurred, grabbing a couple of sodas and closing the door to the refrigerator. Pouring the sodas into glasses, he carried them back into the family room, and handed Philip a glass of Coke.

“Thanks,” Philip replied as he took a long gulp.

Lee did the same before he sat in a chair and put his glass down on the table. “What were you buying at Grant’s jewelry store?”

A smile washed across his face. “A necklace for Sharon, my girlfriend...”

“Better a necklace than a ring,” Lee commented with a raised eyebrow, not sure if the one event was linked to the other. “Sounds like a serious relationship.”

Philip shrugged. “Don’t worry; I’m not planning on getting engaged. I thought it might cheer her up a little.”

“You’re kind of young to be buying your girlfriend expensive jewelry. Tell me, where did you come up with the cash for the necklace?”

“You don’t give up easily!” Philip warned, taking another gulp of his soda.

“The way I see it, I’m going to find out one way or the other. You can tell me and let me help find out what really happened, or tell it to your attorney. I’m a hell of a lot cheaper. Sooner or later, I’ll find out the truth, and I don’t think for one minute that you’re a counterfeiter.”

“It’s all a big mistake, Lee, but I don’t want to get someone else in trouble.”

“Maybe someone else is doing something illegal?” Lee suggested, carefully observing his stepson.

“I don’t think she knows the money is counterfeit,” Philip reflected, glancing at the glass of soda in his hand.

Lee caught the word ‘she’. Did he get the money from his girlfriend or maybe her mother? Lee wondered. “If that’s the case, Philip, the Federal government won’t prosecute. The only thing that would happen to either of you is that you’d be out the money. It’s a hard lesson, but certainly not worth going to prison over. You don’t want to spend the next twenty years in prison; do you?”

“Of course not!” Philip answered.

“Then tell me where you got the money. Who gave it to you? We’ll get this whole mess straightened out before your mother gets home.”

Philip put his soda down on the end table and took a deep breath. “Then I won’t have to tell Mom that I was arrested?”

“If we get things straightened out beforehand, you can tell her a whopper of a story!” Lee laughed, hopeful now that he was going to get to the bottom of the problem.

“You used to tell some whoppers, Lee.”

Lee nodded and let out a long breath. “Not all of them were tales. Most of them were actually true. Now quit stalling and tell me, where did you get the money?”

“All right,” he said, turning towards Lee, leaning his elbows on his knees. Then they saw headlights pull into the driveway. Philip’s eyes flared anxiously and he snapped accusingly. “You said Mom wasn’t going to be home until late tonight!”

Lee furrowed his brow and went to the window, peering out at the car. “I swear to you, Philip, the last I heard, her plane was delayed because of snow. That was shortly before I got a call that you’d been arrested!”

“Shit!” Philip swore as he headed towards the stairs. “Don’t tell her I’m here.”

“Philip!”

“At least promise me you won’t tell mom what happened!”

“I won’t tell her that you were arrested; you’ll have to do that yourself. But I won’t lie to your mother for you or anyone else.”

“Tell her I wasn’t feeling well and went to bed. That’s the truth,” he replied, starting up the stairs.

“She’s not going to buy that, Philip. It’s barely 7PM. You’re going to have to tell her. You don’t want to blindside her where she finds out from someone at the office.”

“I’ll tell her… tomorrow, Lee, I promise.” Then, without another word, Philip King darted up the stairs into the safety of his old bedroom.

Lee shook his head in a mixture of frustration and sympathy. Sooner or later Philip King would have to explain to his mother about his arrest. It wouldn’t be an easy conversation, but to try and hide it would only compound his problem. Heading out the kitchen door, Lee met his wife as she got out of the cab.

“I wasn’t expecting you until late or even tomorrow,” he greeted, taking her suitcase from the trunk of the cab and kissing her cheek.

“My flight was cancelled, but I was lucky and got the last seat on another flight out of O’Hare. I called you at the office, but your secretary told me you’d already left. I thought I’d surprise you,” Amanda Stetson answered, kissing her husband back.

“You sure did,” he replied, walking towards the house.

“Well, jeez, Stetson, some welcome home!” she quipped, put out by his lack of enthusiasm. “You sound disappointed. I’m not interrupting anything, am I?” she teased, leaning her head on her husband’s shoulder.

“Not exactly,” he mumbled, opening the door and following his wife inside the house.

Once inside the lighted kitchen, Amanda glanced at her husband; his face had a worried and strained appearance. “I can’t even leave you for a few days anymore. You look tired. Did you have a bad day?”

Closing his eyes momentarily, he rubbed them before answering. “It’s been a long one, that’s for sure.”

“I’ll second that. For a while, I thought I’d get stuck in Chicago over the weekend. I hope that snowstorm misses us here. Personally, I’ve seen enough snow this winter. Did you eat dinner yet? I’m starved. Are there any leftovers in the fridge?” she questioned, typical Amanda style, nodding towards the refrigerator.

“Yeah, we’ve got plenty. There is some lasagna, and a few pieces of chicken left...”

“The chicken will be perfect! The food at the airport isn’t healthy and what they serve you on a plane isn’t edible,” she complained.

“Go wash up and I’ll fix us each a plate,” he suggested, realizing how hungry he was. “I haven’t eaten yet. Would you like a salad to go with that?”

Giving him a kiss on the cheek, she started for the family room. “That would be great…” she stopped mid-sentence and stared at the two glasses of soda sitting half-empty on the family room table. Picking up the glasses, she walked back into the kitchen. “I did interrupt something…”

Lee Stetson smiled guiltily at his wife. “Sort of…”

“Lee, don’t tell me ‘sort of’!” she snapped. “They’re still cold. I obviously interrupted something. Do you want to explain?”

“Not really,” Lee mumbled, as his jaw muscle twitched in frustration. Hearing that only raised his wife’s suspicions and he swallowed hard, not quite sure how to get himself out of the hole he was digging for himself. “It’s not what you’re thinking…”

“Then tell me, who was here?” she insisted.

“Is here,” Lee whispered, nodding up the stairs. “Philip’s home.”

“Philip’s here? I didn’t see his car.”

“I picked him up downtown…”

Amanda’s eyes flew open wide with worry. “Is everything all right? He didn’t have a car accident, did he?”

“No, he didn’t have a car accident,” Lee replied, thinking to himself that would be an easier problem to fix. “But I don’t think he’s feeling that well right now…”

“Oh my gosh, he’s sick…” without waiting for confirmation from her husband, she rushed out of the room.

“Amanda…” Lee called out to her, but there would be no stopping his wife. She was already half way up the stairs. Lee listened, heard her knock on his bedroom door, and then she must have gone inside. He waited downstairs, not sure what would happen next. It was a few minutes later when Amanda came back downstairs - alone.

“He doesn’t have a temperature, but he certainly looks pale,” Amanda commented when she walked into the kitchen. “I offered to make him some chicken soup, but he says he’s not hungry. Something’s definitely wrong though. Philip’s always hungry!”

“He needs a good nights sleep,” Lee commented casually while he continued to cut up tomato slices for the salad, trying to steer the conversation away from Philip. “How did your meetings go in Chicago?”

Amanda ignored Lee’s question and continued on her thought pattern of what was bothering her son. “The last time he went to bed this early he was trying to avoid telling me he broke the neighbor’s window when he hit a foul ball.”

“I’m certain this doesn’t involve a broken window,” Lee remarked. “You want some onions and cucumbers in the salad?”

“No,” she shook her head absent-mindedly, and then cocked her head, carefully studying her husband. “You know what’s going on, don’t you?”

“Amanda, let it go for tonight,” he suggested, neither confirming nor denying his knowledge of what the problem was. Truth was, he didn’t know the whole story yet. He set two salad bowls on the table and went back into the refrigerator for the chicken. “Let’s eat some dinner, OK?”

“Girl trouble?” she probed, leaning against the counter waiting to see her husband’s reaction. “That’s got to be it! He mentioned something to me at Christmas about a new girlfriend. Maybe he got dumped?”

“Sweetheart, give him some time. I’m sure he’ll talk to you in the morning. Now, what do you want to drink with dinner? How about a couple of glasses of wine to help us both unwind…”

“So you do know what’s going on!” she pressed, grabbing him by his tie and pulling him towards her. “Lee Stetson, you know the rules in this house – no secrets!”

Unwilling to divulge what little he knew of the situation, knowing that would only upset his wife further, Lee tried again to guide the conversation away from Philip. He kissed his wife on the cheek and pulled away. Reaching for a bottle of wine in the wine rack, he put it on the counter and opened the drawer looking for the corkscrew. “It’s been a long day, and I missed lunch. I’m really starving. Can we please eat dinner?”

“Damn it, Lee, tell me what’s going on? I’m his mother, I have a right to know,” Amanda snapped angrily.

Closing the drawer, he turned around, now facing his wife. “I honestly don’t know yet. All I know for sure is he’s scared…”

”Scared of what?” she snapped loudly, pressing her husband for answers. “I’m your wife, Lee. I can tell when you’re hiding something. Now out with it.”

“We just got home about a half hour ago and I was trying to convince him to tell me what’s going on. He was about to confide in me, but then your cab pulled up, and he bolted from the room. Let him sleep on it, Amanda. He obviously has to make some decisions before he’ll be ready to talk to either of us.”

“Decisions about what?” she shouted, a mixture of anger and hurt now in her voice. “This is my son we’re talking about. I want to know what’s wrong and I want to know now! Where’s his car? Why is he home when he should be at college? What the hell’s going on?”

“Mom,” Philip called out in a timid voice. “Don’t yell at Lee, I asked him not to say anything to you about what happened because I’m really… embarrassed about it.” His voice, barely above a whisper finally made the announcement he wanted to avoid. “He um… he bailed me out of jail this afternoon.”

“Bailed you out of jail!” she repeated, leaning against the kitchen counter for support, shocked by the notion that her son was arrested. Philip was a good kid, never in trouble with the law. She stared at Philip for a moment and then over to her husband. Swallowing hard, she asked him a question a mother never wants to have to ask her child. “What were you arrested for?”

“It’s all a big mistake, Mom. I swear to you, I really didn’t know. If I’d known, I swear to you, I wouldn’t have spent the money.”

Amanda appeared more perplexed by her son’s confession. She opened her mouth to say something, but nothing came out.

Lee Stetson stepped forward, and reached his arm around his wife. “Amanda, Philip, let’s all sit down in the family room together and discuss this situation calmly and rationally.”

Philip King shook his head. “I know you want to help, Lee. I really appreciate you picking me up this afternoon, but I need some time alone. I need to think this out for myself. I don’t want to get myself off the hook by putting someone else on it. I need to take a walk. I’ll be back later.”

“Philip, wait!” Amanda called out, but Philip never turned around. Instead, he grabbed his coat and hurried out the door into the dark night.

“Come on,” Lee nodded towards the couch. “Let’s sit down and I’ll explain to you what I do know.”

Lee led her to the couch and she sat down woodenly, obviously overwhelmed by her son’s unexpected confession. Finding her voice, she asked her husband for an explanation. “What exactly was he arrested for?”

“Passing counterfeit money,” Lee answered calmly, although the shock on his wife’s face spoke volumes. “Let me start from the beginning. Maybe between the two of us, we can figure things out. Unfortunately, there are a lot of blanks that still need to be filled in.”

“How did you find out he was arrested?”

“I got a call from Woody Kraus this afternoon.”

“From Secret Service?” she gasped.

“The one and only,” Lee confirmed.

“I thought he was retired?”

“Semi-retired, apparently he was the agent of record who picked up Philip.”

“What was Philip buying that tipped off the authorities?”

“According to Philip, he was buying a necklace for his girlfriend. He paid in cash 149 – most of it was counterfeit twenty dollar bills. The clerk at the store thought the bills looked odd, and figured something was up. You know, a young kid spending a wad of cash for a necklace. They stalled him until the local cops came by. They took him downtown for questioning.”

“Where did he get the money? He barely makes that much money in a week from his job on campus.”

“I don’t know, sweetheart. He wouldn’t cooperate with the local police, which is why they called the Secret Service. Even then, he remained silent. Wouldn’t tell them anything, which is why Woody called me once he realized Philip was my stepson.”

“They don’t think he made the bills, do they?” she questioned, worriedly.

“No, Woody briefed me,” he paused, remembering the special briefing he’d been given. “Even gave me a peek at the money in question. They’re not something that college kids would have printed. They’re old twenty-dollar bills, from the early 60’s. Remember when silver certificates were still in circulation?”

Amanda nodded her head. “Yeah, that was before they took the U.S. currency off the silver backing.”

“There were a few subtle changes in the twenty dollar bills back in the early 1960’s. The phrase, ‘Redeemable in Lawful Money’ was replaced with ‘In God We Trust’. The money Philip used had the words ‘Silver Certificates’ printed on them.”

“Oh my gosh! This doesn’t make any sense,” Amanda remarked.

“No, it sure doesn’t,” Lee sighed heavily. “When Philip wouldn’t cooperate, they had little choice but to arrest him.”

“Thank God you bailed him out.”

“Actually, they released him into my custody. He hasn’t been officially charged.”

“That makes me feel a little better. I bet he’s protecting someone,” Amanda assumed. “Maybe he got the money from a friend at school?”

“I’m thinking his girlfriend or her family… According to Philip, he drove his girlfriend home on Thursday afternoon. Her grandfather is dying and she needed a ride. He dropped her off at her house. When I was talking to Philip, he mentioned that he didn’t want to get anyone in trouble. That ‘she’ probably didn’t know the money was counterfeit.”

“And Philip doesn’t want to cause problems, especially now with her grandfather ill,” Amanda suggested.

Lee reached his arm around his wife and pulled her to him in a comforting hug. “Right now that’s all supposition, but it’s all we’ve got.”

“Sounds logical,” she remarked reluctantly. “So I guess we have to wait until he opens up to us.”

“We don’t have much of a choice. Push him too hard, he might not come clean in a misguided attempt to protect her.”

Amanda leaned her head onto her husband shoulder. “Not an easy decision for a 19 year old.”

“Don’t underestimate him, Amanda. He’s a smart kid.” Lee pushed her hair from her face and kissed her cheek. “Everything will work out…”

End Part One

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Author's Note: The remainder of this story will be posted on my 'IFF Film Library' website. Fan does not allow for a direct link to the website. If you go to my author link, you can find the website, or search for 'IFF Film Library' on any major search engine.

Happy Reading!

Robin

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