Bunny Boxers
Karen
Note: Babe story. Joe is not harmed, but he is the subject of a bit of humiliation. I blame it on JE, though – she started it.
Haleigh – thanks again for the suggestions. You're the best!
We figured the plasma tv would max out the credit card, so we reluctantly passed it by.
Armed with a purloined credit card from Vinnie's desk, we were on a field trip to Walmart to shop for the office. Which was the same as saying business was slow and we were bored. Since Vinnie was paying, it was a foregone conclusion that we would end up with a few extra personal items in the shopping cart. Connie figured that since she put up with Vinnie's bullshit on a regular basis, she was due.
Our cart was full of copy paper and margarita mix, potato chips and file folders – the standard office necessities, plus a little happy. We were in line at the checkout, when the display of sheer black nylon and feathers in the nearby lingerie section drew Lula's attention.
"You think they have this in a real woman's size?" she said.
My eyes drifted to the old woman in the next line over. Oh, no. I knew that woman, and no encounter had ever turned out well. I began to slowly slide backward, hoping to totally escape notice. Before I finished my first step, though, the woman turned, lasered her black eyes into me and I bowed to the inevitable.
"Grandma Bella, how are you?"
"Well, I'd be a lot better if my Joseph weren't wasting his time with the likes of you. He needs someone who will settle down and make babies. What do you do? Chase filth all day long. That's not what a future mother should be doing."
At least she hadn't brought up the eye. "All right then, good to see you, too."
Just then, Mrs. Morelli bustled over with a package.
"Stephanie, how nice to see you." She dropped the package into her cart.
I blanched. I really didn't want to know, but there was no force on Earth that could stop me from asking.
"Are those for…" I couldn't get the word out, but I didn't need to. She jumped right in.
"Joseph needed some new underwear and called me – but would you like to pick some out yourself? I found the bunny ones again, which was lucky, since I've heard they've discontinued the "Happy Woodland Creatures" line of boxers. I also picked up some ones with little masked raccoons on them, see?"
She held out the package and I could see the furry little animals cavorting all over the underwear – some were sitting, others lying down, and some were holding their paws over their cute masked faces.
"Stephanie, since you'll probably see Joseph before I will, do you mind taking these for him once I pay for them?"
I could see Connie out of the corner of my eye looking on disbelievingly, eyebrows almost disappearing into her starched hair. Lula looked like I'd given her 500 volts with the stun gun – absolutely shell-shocked. Apparently they were having a hard time visualizing the celebrated Morelli ass covered in small fuzzy animals. I was wondering how the hell I had found it appealing at this point, too. And then it got worse. Much worse.
"Oh, Stephanie, I picked up the wax, too." She leaned in conspiratorially. "I can't wait until these things become your job. Especially the waxing. He's much better about it now, but the first time I did it….Goodness! You would have thought I was committing murder. And then he told me he couldn't sit down for a week! Men just don't have any type of pain tolerance at all."
My mouth dropped open as I processed this overload of information. Okay, let's take this step by step. First, the wax. So now I knew why Joe's ass was smooth at times, hairy at others. Not that I wanted to know. I wasn't so shallow that I found some hair in that area a deal-breaker. Not that I wished for it – and I would bet no stray hairs would dare grow on Ranger's ass. But Joe was Italian – hair was obligatory. But – and here was the problem - he had his mother waxing his ass?? What the hell was up with that? I mean, I'm from an Italian neighborhood, and I know all about the star treatment sons receive, but, but…well, let's just say I never expected this. I mean, what other services was she providing? And did I really want to know?
Alright, now second, the underwear. Forgetting that it's kind of weird that a grown man still has his mom buy his underwear on a regular basis, what the fuck was up with the cutesy animals? And not tigers or something strong – it was bunnies and raccoons and I might have even seen a chipmunk on one pair.
Well, well, aren't we being a little hypocritical? Didn't you find Joe irresistible a little while ago in his bunny boxers? My internal voice interrupted me.
Well, yes, I believe I did think that – but it was more a desire to get under the boxers than a true appreciation of what was printed on them.
I looked up to see Mrs. Morelli's line moving.
"I'll wait for you at the front door, Stephanie."
Our line was stalled and I prepared for the attack. And it didn't take even a minute.
"Uh, what was that? What just happened here? Did we just find out that Officer Hottie has his Mother wax the finest ass in Trenton?" Lula shook her head to dispel that image. "Eeeuuww. Seriously? And please tell me he doesn't really have small furry animals on his underwear."
Connie's eyes clouded over. "What if Ranger has a hairy ass? The way this day is going, we're going to find out he wears women's underwear and my fantasy life will be all shot to hell. Morelli's ruined for me – Officer Hottie? Officer Hoppity is more like it. I can't believe this. Fucking bunny boxers!"
This was so not the time to be thinking of Ranger's ass. The carved muscle, those sexy indentations, the smooth skin, seemingly buffed to a caramel glow. I felt myself getting warm in all the right places.
"Stop!" I yelled – whether to myself or Connie and Lula, I wasn't quite sure. "We are NOT going to discuss this or broadcast this information."
"The hell we're not," Connie said, stepping right up. "This is prime info – I can trade this for all sorts of points."
Oh, man – I could see this spreading like wildfire around the 'Burg. That wouldn't be good at all.
"I know my Tank don't wear no cutesy animals on his underwear. When he takes the time to put some on, anyway. He wears those boxer briefs that just highlight every muscle. And boy! Does he look good in them. Better than that Marky Mark fellow. Remember him?" Lula licked her lips in appreciation of boxer briefs everywhere.
Our line finally moved and it was our turn. We paid for our necessities and the extras, and were on our way. I was hoping to maybe sneak by Mrs. Morelli, but I wasn't prepared for what awaited us at the front. The Morelli women were there, watching the show, along with what seemed like half the store. Attention was split between the Walmart employee who stood cornered, his back to the wall, waving a knife in a half-circle, and the three large, muscled men in front of him, all dressed in black.
I knew those men, one of them very well. I watched as Ranger, Tank and Lester communicated with their eyes, sending signals that were unintelligible to anyone else. All at once, Tank and Lester sprinted to the left and right of the knife-wielding man, who lunged seconds later straight in front of him, right in Ranger's direction. My breath caught as I watched Ranger spin and kick out at him, but the man ducked and slashed at the leg that was inches from his hand. I heard the rrrrip of material as the knife caught the rear pocket of Ranger's pants, then the thud of a body hitting the floor as Tank roundhoused him from the rear.
But all eyes were not on the body on the floor, they were instead understandably glued to Ranger's ass, half of which was displayed in its caramel colored glory, courtesy of the pocket being ripped right off the pants. I saw Mrs. Morelli moving forward and I cringed, somehow foreseeing what was coming next.
"I just purchased some new underwear for Joseph, Mr. Manoso, can I offer you some to cover up? I'm sure Joe won't mind sharing – you can just return them once you're done."
"Now why would anyone want him to cover that up?" Lula muttered quietly, her eyes glued to Ranger.
I moved forward just seconds too late to prevent Mrs. Morelli from extracting a package of the boxers. Ranger stared at them for a minute, then sought my eyes, eyebrow raised in absolute consternation.
He glanced at Tank, who looked about as shell-shocked as Lula did and finally found his voice.
"Um, thank you Mrs. Morelli, but I have extra clothes in the truck." He took one more disbelieving look at the package and quirked an eyebrow at me. Yup, this wasn't the last I would hear about this.
Joe's mom walked over to me and handed me the bag. "Thanks so much for delivering these to Joe. Tell him I'll be by Thursday after work for the other." She tapped the bag and smiled at me.
I grimaced and nodded while she walked over to Grandma Bella and led her out the door. I took a deep breath, willing this day to end. I watched warily as Ranger walked in my direction, untucking his shirt and letting it hang down so it covered his ripped pants. Pity.
"Babe." And that was it. I looked up at him in equal parts annoyance and curiosity. How did he manage to create a question out of just one word? And I knew exactly what he wanted. He wanted to know what "the other" was. Especially since my face was growing redder by the second as I tried to think of a way out of explaining. Or to just think of a good lie.
He just stood there. And I knew he would wait for me to speak if it took me a year. Sometimes the man's patience is just limitless. Unfortunately for me, Lester's wasn't and I was no match for his speedy dash to my side and lightning fast grab. He peered into the bag and burst out laughing.
"Fuck me, there's men's underwear in here with bunnies on them. No, wait, I see raccoons, too. What the fuck? And wait a minute – Joe's mother gave you this bag – did she buy these? Joe Morelli has his mother buying him…..Bunny Boxers?" This last was said with a great bark of laughter, and Lester doubled over, gasping and giggling with glee.
"I've been on a bit of a dry spell lately, I wonder if these are the ticket out, "he howled, still doubled over, laughing.
Just as I was thinking - please don't let him find the box, I saw his hand move around in the bag and draw out the dreaded box. He looked at it curiously, then handed it to Ranger.
Just then the police arrived, no doubt called when the FTA pulled the knife. They smiled when they saw us – it always made their day when a knife-wielding crazy man was already unconscious and handcuffed before they arrive.
"Hey Ranger, Steph," Big Dog and Carl greeted us and slapped hands with Tank and Lester. "Whatcha got there, Ranger?
Going to do a little body waxing?"
"It's for Joe, I believe."
"Oh, no, I don't know why he would do that again! Joe
couldn't--"
"I know, I know - I've already heard – he couldn't sit for a week." I said sourly. Did everyone know except me?
Carl stared at me. "Sit? Sit? What the hell are you talking about? The last time his sister – you know, the one in cosmetology school – waxed his eyebrows, she had to numb the area, only she used too much or something and he couldn't move half his face for hours!" His laughter pealed out, drawing an answering grin from Big Dog. Then his eyes narrowed. "What does sitting have to do with eyebrow wax? You sit on your ass – you wouldn't be waxing – NO!"
The last was said on a great indrawn breath as my red face and guilty expression confirmed it all. All the men turned away a little and shuffled their feet, not wanting to contemplate what they had just learned. Tank moved closer to Lula.
"I don't even really want to know, but how do you wax your own ass?" Tank said to her.
"You don't. You have someone else do it for you."
"Ohhh. Like a girlfriend?"
"Ain't no girlfriend ever loved her man enough to wax his ass."
"Sister?"
"Would you let your sister see your ass?"
"Point taken. Hmmm. Oh. Salon!"
"Possibly. But they supply their own wax. You don't bring your own."
Tank rolled this over in his brain, and I could see the second he made the connection of who gave me the bag. His horrified expression drew Ranger's glance, and he leaned over and spoke quietly in his ear. Ranger looked straight at me.
"This is not good, Babe."
Tell me about it. There was absolutely too much information being learned today – most of which I would have been perfectly happy to never have known. What if I had remained in the dark until that happy day when Mrs. Morelli ceremoniously handed me the box of wax? Maybe it would even have been a wedding present.
I sighed.
Sometimes you just learn something about a person and it's a deal breaker. It's not the waxing – it's not something I feel is necessary, but it's something I could live with. But I don't think I could, even if I bathed them in Lysol, ever get over the visual of Joe leaning over, ass in the air while his mother applied hot wax and then yanked it off. I was done. I might even need therapy for this one.
I moved a little closer and looked up at Ranger. "I need a change."
"Yeah," he said.
"Got any suggestions?"
"I think we can think of something."
"Nothing that involves raccoons or bunnies."
He laughed. "No, Babe. In fact, I think we should never mention bunnies again – but we could discuss graduating to Rabbits."
The End.
a/n – Sorry Joe – After JE actually wrote one of her alpha males with a hairy ass wearing bunny boxers, I just couldn't get this out of my mind.