God Awful, Chapter Nineteen Aught Five

By Snazzo

Well I made it my New Year's Resolution to finish this ridiculousness so I could move onto other ridiculousness, so here it goes:

* * * *

Cindy sat at the table with the Brady Bunch. Alice brought out some creamed corn, lima beans, and kumquats for dinner. "Thank Gawd!" Cindy said. "I'm a bit peckish!"

"You're going to be a bit puke-ish after eating that!" Greg said.

"Greg!" Carol warned. "Don't be rude!"

As Cindy ate dinner she noticed the vase on the table was starting to leak water. No one seemed to pay attention to it though, so she ignored it as well. But soon it was too hard NOT to notice, sprouting water like Buckingham Fountain.

"My Gawd!" Carol suddenly explained. "Alice! Honey!" She tried to plug the leaks like the little boy who plugged the leaks in the dike, whose name I forget, but to no avail.

"You don't mean "explained" hon," her husband said, whose name I forget. "You mean "exclaimed.""

"You're right!" Carol exclaimed.

Suddenly the Dread Jannelle appeard. "I have you now Cindy!" she exclaimed.

"Who are you?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" Peter exclaimed, pointing a trembling finger and the highly dangerous and amusing Janelle.

"Shut your festering gob, you tit!" Janelle exclaimed "Or I shall use my Disentegrator upon your sorry ass!"

"I know you are but what am I?" Peter Brady exclaimed.

"You ask for it!" Janelle exclaimed and squeezed the trigger of her Disentagrator. It turned to powder in her hands. "Well, what do you know, it disintegrated."

"Enough!" Cindy exclaimed. "I've had it with your big freaky ego!" And Cindy reached across the table and smacked Janelle, and KNOCKED HER UP!

!!!!

No, that's not right! I mean knocked her OUT! How embarrassing. She couldn't knock her up, that's a biological impossibility.

"So much for that," Cindy said with satisfaction. "Pass me the Spam, will you?"

* * * *

Aboard the Starship Voyager Sheen and Libby discovered the joys of the Holodeck and Replicator and lived happily ever after.

* * * *

In the world of Monty Python Amber and Britney discovered the joys of things I can't talk about, and lived confusingly ever after.

* * * *

In Retroville, Carl snuggled up against Judy. "That was fantastic," he whispered in her ear.

"I'm glad you liked it," Judy replied. "Would you like some more?"

"You best believe it toots!" Carl nodded.

Judy handed Carl another cookie. "It's so good to have a man who enjoys cookies instead of pies for a change," she exclaimed.

"Me like cookies too!" the Cookie Monster said.

"I know you do!" Judy exclaimed. "And it's so good to have a monster who likes cookies instead of pies for a change."

"And I like cookies too!" the toaster exclaimed."

"I know you do!" Judy exclaimed. "And it's so good to have a toaster who likes cookies instead of pies for a change."

* * * *

Meanwhile, Kim Possible married Ron Stoppable and lived happily ever after. That Super Freaky Thing, Roofus the Naked Mole Rat, was Best Man.

* * * *

Wade and Jimmy started a successful Internet Enterprise, Omni Information Services. They could provide the answers to anything. Soon they had cured cancer, developed antigravity, resolved the Mideast Crisis, stopped racial prejudice, resolved the world economic crisis, and best of all, developed a clean burning replacement for nasal hair.

As they both relaxed on the beach Diana came over to them, wearing nothing but a big smile. "More Purple Flurp Gentlemen?" she asked.

"You better believe it," Jimmy answered. Jimmy and Wade raised a glass. "A toast then! Here's to us! Who's like us? Damn few. And they're all dead."

"Yes," Wade agreed. "The morning sun may kiss the grass, the sparkling wine may kiss the glass, the clock may kiss the hours that pass, and you my friend … drink hardy!"

"Yes," Fred agreed. "Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker."

"Yes," the Fat Man agreed. "Through the lips and over the gums, watch out liver for here it comes!"

* * * *

With a scream of terror the Pizza Monster awoke with a start.

"What is it dear?" Mrs. Pizza Monster asked. "Did you have another dream about children?"

"Yes!" the Pizza Monster sobbed. "They were terrible! IT WAS TERRIBLE! There were many more of them this time. Nothing made any sense at all!! It was all confusing and frightening. Why, Cheeses of Nazareth, WHY?!?!?!"

"Well, dear," Mrs. Pizza Monster said "If you keep eating those Formica, asbestos and Hannah Montana sandwiches before you go to sleep you're going to keep having nightmares."

"Thank Gawd it was only a dream," the Pizza Monster sighed with relief.

"The end," the Pizza Cat said. "Meow."

* * * *

"What a terrible way to end a Fan Fic!" George cried.

"Well, it is one of our cheesiest," Fred explained. "Pizza? Cheese? Get it? I kill myself!"

"What else do you have?"

"Hmm, well there's the chase," Fred offered.

"There he is!!" Janelle cried, pointing.

"After him!" Judy yelled. "He must not escape!!"

George sprinted away, with Janelle, Judy, Mortimer Snerd, Jimmy Durante, Isabelle, and Little Jacob in hot pursuit. They ran past the grandfather clock, down the stairs, through the gardens, and all the way to the aqueduct.

* * * *

"Naa," George said. "I'm too tired to run."

"How about a Scooby Doo ending?" Fred asked.

* * * *

"Got you now, you devious Janelle!" Jimmy said triumphantly. Janelle sat before the gang, her hands in cuffs, duct tape across her mouth, her legs bound with rope. "Now let's see who you really are!" Jimmy took Janelle's mask off. The gang gasped.

"Good heavens!" Carl cried. "It's old man Bolbi, who owns Haunted Retroland!!"

"And I would have gotten away with it too if it weren't for you bratty kids!" Bolbi hissed.

* * * *

"No," George said.

"How about the Raiders of the Lost Ark Ending?" Fred offered.

* * * *

"You've done your country a great service," General Abercrombie said "And we thank you."

"And we trust you found the reward satisfactory," Commander Baker said.

"The money is fine but this situation is completely terrible," Jimmy complained.

"Where is the Ark?" Cindy asked.

General Abercrombie took out his pipe. "I thought we went through that. The Ark is someplace very SAFE."

"From who?" Cindy asked.

"The Ark of the Covenant is a source of unspeakable power and it must be researched!" Jimmy explained.

"And it will be," Commander Baker said. "Mister Neutron, Misses Vortex. We have Top Men working on that problem right now."

"Who?" Jimmy asked.

"Top," Commander Baker said. "Men."

Outside the Capitol Building Jimmy turned to Cindy. "Fools! Bureaucratic fools! They don't know what they've got there."

"Well I know what I've got here," Cindy said with a smile. "Can I buy you a Purple Flurp? You know, a Flurp?"

Jimmy nodded and the two of them continued down the stairs, arm in arm.

In a distant warehouse the Holy Ark of the Covenant, containing THE Ten Commandments was lowered into a box. The top was nailed on, a lock was put on it, and it was rolled down a long row of boxes in the dimly lit warehouse. Past hundreds if not thousands of crates and boxes; so many things Man was not meant to know, so many questions unanswered.

* * * *

"Ah yes, a truly magnificent ending," George said. "But what else have you got?"

"How about the summing up by the panel?" Fred offered.

* * * *

"Well, this story was truly awful," Ashley Tisdale said. "It was poorly written, made no sense whatsoever, left many points unresolved. The characters were often out of character. The punctuation, spelling, grammar, and humor all childish and immature. The author was a worthless talentless hack with a big nose and bad body odor; his scabs were disgusting, as was his terrible dandruff and bad breath; when he cleared his throat it sounded like he was clearing his whole upper cavity; he was a rotten, arrogant, nasty little pervert and I liked him very much. Brian?"

"Well, I disagree Ashley," Brian said. "I think the only part of this story that was worthwhile at all is the part with me in it right now. Socrates?"

"I give it a big thumbs down. Jimmy Durante?"

"I give it a big noses down," Jimmy Durante said. "Ha cha cha! Professor R.J. Gumbie?"

"Well I believe that this story would have been much better if it were written on used toilet paper, set on fire, eaten by a goat, the goat shot and stuffed into a bag, and the bag thrown off a cliff. Cindy Vortex?"

"Well, I am shocked and dismayed that this here Snazzo fellow even had the audacity to include me in such a worthless piece of trash. Kelly?"

"I really have to take a pee. The RMS Titanic?"

"Well, I really don't have an opinion, since I'm a sunken luxury liner at the bottom of the Atlantic. Mister Throatwarbler?"

"I'd take this Snazzo fellow and shove sparrows down his throat until the beaks poke out through his stomach."

* * * *

"Yes, yes, very amusing," George said. "But rather pointless."

"How about the Mega Happy Ending?" Fred said.

"Oh George!" Sandra cried, hugging him tight and covering his face with kisses. "Thank God you're safe!"

"Ah, nevermind, you wouldn't want that," Fred said.

"Why wouldn't I want that?" George asked.

"Well how about the Sudden Ending?"

THE END

* * * *

Really, that's it! God Awful, wasn't it? Thank you, as always, for reading. Comments and Reviews very welcome, but please, no matter what you do, don't say it's Stanky Bo Danky.

If you hate this, you'll surely hate my other works. Check them out!

Snazzo