God Awful

The World's Worst Jimmy Newtron Fanfic

By Snazzo

Hand in hand, Jimmy and Cindy walked through the Retroville Park

"I think you're awful pretty," Jimmy told Cindy.

"I think you're pretty awful myself," Cindy told Jimmy.

"No, what I mean to say is I think you're cute," Jimmy said.

"Well, you're cuter," Cindy said.

"Well, you're cutest," Jimmy said.

"Well, you're cutest to infinity," Cindy said.

"Well that's great! Do you wanna make out?" Jimmy asked.

"I thought you'd never ask, you big hunk of brain!" Cindy growled.

And so they made out, rolling around in the grass, falling into the fountain, knocking over a nearby squirrel, and ending up in a tree.

"Get a lab, you young hooligans!" Officer Tubbs declared, picking his nose, as he passed by on his motorcycle.

"Wow, you were great," Jimmy said, panting.

"You were greater," Cindy said.

"Let's not start that again," Jimmy said.

"Start what again?" Betty asked.

"Oh, kiss me you fool," Jimmy said.

So Britney kissed Jimmy. Fireworks went off. "Wow, I didn't know it was the Fourth of July!" Sam declared.

"You kiss like a woman possessed," Jimmy told Libby.

"And you kiss like a wounded moose," Nissa replied.

"Well that's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me since the last thing someone said a nice thing to me," Jimmy told her.

Quite suddenly, Jimmy fell out of the tree and landed on top of a passing rhinoceros, knocking himself out.

"What a pity," Cindy said, "And I was hoping we could make out."

Meanwhile, across town, a shot rang out. Hugh leapt out of bed. "Boy, howdy, that new alarm clock is a real eye opener!!" he cried with gusto.

Judy, looking radiant in a negligee made of liverwurst and skunk, rolled over and said "Go back to sleep, sugar lumps, its Saturday."

"No it isn't," Hugh told her, "It is Wednesday. Yesterday was Monday so today must be Wednesday."

"You're both wrong!" Jimmy Durante said, coming out of the closet. "It's Friday, sure as my name is Julio Inglesias!"

"Thanks Jimbo!" Hugh said. "Well, I better get ready for work then."

Judy got out of bed, stepping on a rubber duck with a corn cob pipe. "And, well, I better get breakfast ready."

Jimmy Durante went back into the closet. "And, well, I better go back to being dead."

"Bye Jimbo!" Hugh called out. He went to the bathroom, in the bathroom of course. I don't mean to say he went to the bathroom there in the bedroom, that would be especially gross. But funny. But anyway, he shaved too, then put on his clothes. Then took off his clothes because he forgot to take off his pajamas first. Then put his clothes back on again. Then trotted down the stairs, past the water cooler and the Zulus.

Hugh tripped on the pet cat. "Honey, how long have we had a pet cat?"

"Hugh," Judy said from the kitchen, which was strange because she was really in the dining room. "We don't have a pet cat. We just have Godard."

"Beat it cat!" Hugh said.

"Sorry man!" the cat replied and got into his Honda and drove off to Interior, South Dakota, where they grow delicious lemons.

Meanwhile, on a distant asteroid, an incredibly fat man rolled out of bed like a dead deer carcass rolls off a dented fender. The floor groaned under his immense fat like metal groaning under immense stress.

"Well," the man, whose name was Charely the Most Foul, though he preferred "Fat Man" - "Well, let's see, what planet can I conquer today?" He looked at his computer, thumbing thru the thumbnails with his thumb. A small insignificant blue green planet came up on the screen.

"Earth," the screen said. I mean it didn't really say that, screens don't talk, unless they come with built in speakers, but this one didn't.

"Earth," the fat man, whose name was Fred said. "How delightful. I shall enjoy crushing it like I crush beer cans on my fat forehead." He laughed to himself diabolically. "Hee-hee."

End of Chapter One