Disclaimer: I don't own anything but the laptop I'm typing this on.
"What have you been doing?" The Doctor asked on stepping into the sleeping quarters. He was referring to Cat, who was dressed in a tattered shirt and dirty plaid suit. His hair is a mess.
"I've been getting myself comfortable, man!"
The Doctor nodded slowly. "Right, no vanity."
"Well, what's the point, really?"
The Doctor shook his head, grateful that he hadn't lost any emotions to the mutant...yet. But he knew he had to figure out a way to stop this creature before it could do any more damage. "Computer!" he shouted.
"It's Holly," the bald floating head on the screen said.
"Right, Holly. Can you find where the polymorph is now?"
"It's in the cargo bay, sleeping off it's four course meal. If you want my advice, you'll get these four and scram before it decides it needs a fifth course."
"Right, that's not happening." He turned back to the four victims and was rendered speechless. Rimmer had somehow changed his hologramatic projection into a new "anger-free" version of himself. His tee-shirt read "Give Quiche A Chance" in friendly red letters and he had a goatee and a pipe. He looked at the Doctor.
"Look, just because it's an armour-plated alien killing machine that salivates unspeakable slobber, doesn't mean it's a bad person. What we've got to do is get it round a table, and put together a solution package -- perhaps over tea and biscuits."
Guilt-free Kryten would have none of that. "Look at him! You can't trust his opinion -- he's got no anger. He's a total dork!"
Fearless Lister had to have his say too. "Why don't we go down to the ammunition stores, get the nuclear warheads and then strap one to my head? I'll nuke the smegger to oblivion!"
The Doctor looked over to Cat, waiting to see what he had to say. Cat shook his head. "Hey, don't ask me my opinion, I'm nobody. Just pretend I'm not here."
The Doctor ran a hand through his hair as he came up with a plan. "Okay. Right. Well. I'm going to the cargo bay. If I can catch him before he turns into something else, I may be able to reprogram his DNA using the chameleon arch on the TARDIS..." he fell quiet as he realized none of them had a clue what he was saying.
Lister was the first to speak, grabbing a baseball bat as he did so. "Right, so let's just cut all of this business and get on with it! Last one alive's a wet ponce. Who's with me?"
"Well, the car stickers aren't ready until Thursday, but sometimes one just has to act spontaneously. People, let's go." Rimmer stood up, ready to follow. "Hey, I'm coming, too," Cat added, "Maybe I can bum some money off him."Kryten was the last to follow. "Maybe if I hand you guys over, it'll let me go. MOVE IT, SUCKERS!" The Doctor didn't look too happy about it, but he let them come along.
"There it is," he whispered when they reached the cargo bay, motioning towards a small slug-like creature sitting near a stack of boxes. "Now let's..."
He was cut of by Lister. "Come on you smeg-head! Come get what's coming to you!"
"No!" The Doctor shouted as Lister was about to brought the baseball bat down hard on the creature. Lister stopped inches above it's head. "No! Please, Lister, no." The polymorph must have been stunned, because it didn't even try to get away. The Doctor picked up the tiny polymorph very gingerly, giving him a small sedative just to be safe.
Back on the TARDIS, the Doctor hooked up the genetically engineered life form to the Chameleon Arch and pressed some buttons. The creature was still under sedation, so it didn't even feel anything. "There, all set," the Doctor said at last. He turned to the boys from the Dwarf, who were standing around looking lost. "I've reprogrammed its DNA so that it no longer needs emotions to survive. It's harmless." The polymorph switched itself to a kitten as if to prove itself. It hopped down and into Rimmer's lap.
"Lovely!" Rimmer exclaimed, reminding the Doctor that he still had four people here who were missing a vital emotion each. He sighed. One last problem to solve.
Arnold and Kryten were easy to fix, after all they were basically just strings of ones and zeros. But the Doctor was quite perplexed as to how he could give Cat his vanity back and Lister his fear.
"Sir?" Kryten came up behind him, holding some tea. He offered it to the Doctor. "We do have a full medical unit here. If it would help. I have very basic medical training, but I could assist in the surgery." The Doctor frowned. He really didn't like mucking about in people's heads. But he was just fixing things, right?
"I don't need to do surgery, Kryten," he said at last. "If I'm correct, and well, I am, then I should be able to telepathically unblock the receptors that the polymorph switched off as it fed."
The Doctor and Kryten went to the sleeping units where Lister and Cat were resting. Cat was first. The Doctor placed two fingers on either temple. Images of fish, kitty school, and suits...oh so many suits, flashed through his head. "There, all set." Cat woke up and looked down at what he was wearing.
"What have you done to me?" he exclaimed. "If I don't get into some coordinated evening wear, I'll have to resign my post as the most handsome guy on the ship!" He trotted off to his wardrobe.
Lister was next. As the Doctor searched his mind, he could see images of a woman, horses, sheep, and Fiji. "Back to normal," he said at last.
"Phew," Lister said as he woke up, "My head feels like it's been through the wash. I need a drink."
"Well," the Doctor said at last, "Now that everything's back to normal, I'm off." The group looked at him.
"But, sir," Kryten managed at last, "Where will you go?"
"Oh, I was thinking I might try a zero-G football match. You lot've made me want to visit Earth, 2099. I haven't been there in ages."
They stood, mouths agape. "You can get to earth? We're three million years into deep space!"
The Doctor nodded slowly. "Yeah, so you are. Well then, you'd better come with me." He herded them into the TARDIS and took off.
"Where are we?" Lister asked as he relaxed his tight grip on the TARDIS console. None of the Red Dwarf crew had enjoyed the ride much.
"The year 3 million. Earth. Fiji."
"Fiji? You've taken me to Fiji?"
The Doctor nodded, smiling. "Sorry it's not exactly the same as when you left. Can't risk you chaning history or anything like that. But it's not a whole lot different, really." Lister ran out the TARDIS doors, grinning. He came back briefly to thank the Doctor, then ran out for good. Kryten followed, not knowing what else to do, as did the Cat. Rimmer stayed put.
"Right, and where are you taking me?"
"Sorry, mate," the Doctor said. "End of the line."
"What?"
"You're a hologram. They don't even have holograms anymore, that was just a fad. I believe everyone's into something called hoverboards now. But anyway, if you want to keep this life, then fine. But, there's nothing to power you. I've patched you into Kryten's power source, so as long as he stays charged, you'll be fine. But you have to stay within 100 miles of him."
"Great, so I'm stuck on an island with the three idiots."
The Doctor just shrugged and walked him to the door. As he took off, he laughed at the amazing and ridiculous people he met on his trip aboard the mining ship Red Dwarf. If he could survive that, he could handle anything.