So D made a bet with me that I couldn't write a fan fiction piece based anything that he tossed me at 1 AM. I accepted that wager, and he posed this challenge:

"Write something based on the first fan fiction that appears on the Kingdom Hearts list in FFNet with Leon as Character 1."

As luck would have it, the first on that list was Venom Leg by Twilight Emo Wind Goddess 801. (Oof, so close to getting Cathexis by Toothpaste Addict, too...!)

Now, as I submit this, I hereby declare that I have won our bet. Please enjoy the result as I go forth to claim my hard-earned winnings.

It was seven in the morning, and Leon was screaming.

In an instant, two cats, two dogs, five kids and a fluffy blue critter called Stitch all fled the committee's shared homestead like bats out of hell. In the center of what had seconds ago been their little morning gathering, Yuffie sat shell-shocked. She had never heard Leon yell like that before - no one had heard Leon yell like that before - and it seemed a cause of worry.

After wasting precious seconds to recover herself and retrieve her weapon - just in case - she was up the flight of stairs and down the hallway that led to all their different rooms. It did not take her all too long to find Leon's, and she slowly reached for the handle...

...only to pause as she heard not one, but two voices within. Two voices that she recognized - one was Leon, muffled and low. The other was a little more airy, perhaps even mocking in tone. It was the voice of Cloud, and the next discernible words that he uttered were enough to nearly make her drop her metal star.

"Well, I told you trusting our reflexes with this sort of thing was a bad idea."

Jumping. Jenova. On a pogo stick.

It wasn't true. Not in all her wildest fantasies could it ever be real. It was too cruelly obvious that such a thing was but a figment of imagination, a sad little trick of some divine being-

Was that sound...Leon moaning? Was Squall-yes-I-like-Cloud-but-not-in-that-way-Leonhart Hyne-frickin' moaning?!

She could hear them shifting around in the sheets. She could hear Cloud muttering something that was probably concern, and Leon still doing the impossible - a.k.a. moaning - as he mumbled back. Then, right out of the blue, Leon uttered something complete coherent to her ears, and all doubts were instantly nullified.

"Cloud, I don't care how good last night felt; you keep your hands off me."

And so did concrete evidence sucker punch logic in the proverbial gut, send it flying over the hills and far away, and then point and laugh as Tinky Winky was unceremoniously sacrificed to break its fall.

Yuffie could care less about trivial things; she had to find Aerith and Tifa. She had news to spread.

She had to leave right away.

Leon lay in a messy sprawl, silently pleading with the spots in his vision to just go away and leave him alone to his misery. All he had wanted to do was get up, and his spine had promptly erupted in blinding pain that tore that scream right out of his throat. It was but a dull throb now, but he did not dare leave his position; not when he knew that the exact same thing could happen again.

"Leon?"

Even in the haze of his mind, Leon recognized that voice. It was the voice of one Cloud Strife, his tone concerned. It was the voice of the one who had come into his room uninvited, and had somehow coerced his way into being allowed into sharing the bed. It was the voice of the one who had done this to him.

Leon was in pain, and he was pissed. Shiva could forgive him for that.

"Hey, are you okay?"

"...you...get down here...right now...so I can kill you..."

Cloud stared down at the awkwardly immobile form for a few seconds. Then it all clicked, and he could not stop a smug leer from creeping up his face. "Well, I told you trusting our reflexes with this sort of thing was a bad idea."

"This is all your fault," Leon growled back darkly, trying vainly to will the persistently remnant pain away.

"Don't blame me; I warned you this could happen if we weren't careful. You were the one who wanted me to...how did you put it - 'shut up and roll over already'?"

In a second, Leon forgot he was trying to stay still as he turned to properly return the remark. All that endeavor achieved was sending more pain up his back like a hot poker, and collapsed upon his mattress again with a low groan.

"You're a right mess down there. Think you can get up?" At his question, the brunet's momentarily shut eyes cracked open to level a hard glare at him.

"...do I look like I can get up?"

Still, Leon was moving now - very slowly, but surely - as he attempted to right himself without too much grief. The most he accomplished was sitting up before he hunched over and groaned again, a hand bracing his lower back at once.

"Need some help there?"

"Cloud, I don't care how good last night felt; you keep your hands off me."

The blond found himself too tickled by all this to take the harsh tone seriously. Giving the brunet a moment longer to mutter and swear at a number of summons and deities alike, Cloud got to his feet, walked around the bed, and at last dropped into a squat.

"Aspirin and some coffee in your system ought to help with that, but you won't be getting either until we get you downstairs."

Leon looked right back at the man who was now at eye level in such a condescending way. "And I can't have them in here, because...?"

"You drop your cup, and we'll have messy sheets and an angry Gainsborough to deal with. Now, do you want me to make amends, or not?"

There was a low, guttural sound from somewhere in Leon's throat, but it was promptly silenced by another pained moan, and then by a weary sigh.

"...well?"

"Just shut up and get me to the kitchen."

Grinning now, Cloud straightened at last and reached over to take the other man's arm. "Sir, yes, sir."

"I'm telling you, it's true!"

"Yuffie," Aerith broke in gently - and very patiently - for the twentieth time in half an hour, "it's just not realistic. It's good that Cloud and Leon can find comfort in each other, and I'm glad for that. But the idea of them taking it that far is just..."

"...stretching it," Tifa helpfully provided, earning a nod of agreement from her pink-clad friend.

"But-!"

"They're in their twenties, Yuffie, not their teens. I'm sorry, but they're just not the mess of raging hormones you think they are."

"I'm not kidding!" Yuffie whined, flapping her arms in exasperation. "They were going at it like rabbits, and Leon was on the bottom!"

"Yuffie..."

"Morning."

All three girls immediately turned at Cloud's greeting, and found the blond descending the staircase in a manner of surprising gentleness. Then they found their stoic leader being borne by the same blond in piggyback style, his expression managing to appear both strained and outright embarrassed. Scanning the kitchen for a moment, Cloud at last turned back to Aerith with a defeated look.

"Sorry, but could I trouble you for two aspirins and a hot coffee?" his question was followed by a smirk directed at the one he carried, followed by his explanation: "We got a little...crazy last night, and Leon threw out his back."

"...we?" was all Leon contributed in bitter resentment; the other merely laughed in response before entering the living room to deposit him upon the settee.

It was a total of five seconds later before any of the three snapped out of their initial shock. Aerith hastened to her feet as she went straight for the coffee machine, and then for a cupboard to recover a bottle of aspirin. Tifa opened her mouth to say something, found nothing to say, closed it, and then repeated the whole sequence a few more times. It was only by the time Aerith had successfully procured two orange tablets and a steaming mug of dark liquid - brewed to Leon's tastes - that either recovered their voice.

"...uh...Yuffie?"

"Apology accepted," the self-proclaimed Great Ninja piped, her expression downright gleeful.

"Open."

Too disorientated for comfort, Leon numbly obeyed the order as his jaw fell open, and the two tablets Aerith had delivered were promptly dropped upon his tongue. The bitter taste at last brought back his self-awareness, and his jaws snapped shut almost at once. Cloud smirked at the sight before offering the steaming mug, keeping one hand to steady it as Leon brought the warm liquid to his lips. After a moment, there was a disgruntled murmur from behind the mug, and it was brought down again.

"Feel better?"

"Not really," came the lethargic answer, tone at least devoid of its earlier venom. "...thanks."

"Least I could do."

And Cloud sat down on a chair opposite, watching the brunet attempt to recline without aggravating his back any further.

"You'd better take the day off; there's no way you're getting up now."

"I'll be fine." Leon's muttered statement was only met with open skepticism. "I just need a moment, and..."

"And you need a break anyhow, so you're staying put," the other insisted. Then he turned and called back down into the kitchen: "Leon's taking a day off; will that be okay?"

"It'll be fine," came the almost immediate answer.

"See?"

Defeated utterly, Leon at last surrendered to his ill fate and slumped further back into the vinyl. "...I can't believe I let you do that to me..."

"You knew how rough I can get before I even climbed into the bed," Cloud countered evenly.

"Screw you..."

"Been there, done that, and gave you a bad back. Need I say more?"

At a loss for comeback, Leon was suddenly distracted by rapid movement through the house. "...did Yuffie just run by the door, and was she shouting something about 'spreading the word'?"

"I wouldn't know."

It was half a day later, and Leon grudgingly agreed with the point that he was indeed still unable to get up. Cloud, it seemed, was sincerely apologetic, and had been waiting on him with patience, necessary firmness, and much humor at the situation. Currently, though, his immobile state hindered him from investigating a loud clattering that was going on somewhere behind him.

"...why do we have so many coats...?"

...coats? "... Cloud, are you in the storage?"

"I'm trying to dig up the toolbox," came the answer, amidst more random clutter. "When was the last time anyone cleaned in here...?"

Another loud chime of something that sounded broken, and Leon pinched the bridge of his nose sharply. "...look, just step out of there, will you? We'll settle that when I can move."

"I'll settle it now, thanks. We both know a rerun of Brokeback Leon is the last thing you want." The open taunt in that statement was enough to spark brief irritation before he persisted.

"I mean it; you're making a mess in there," he stated sharply. "... Cloud Strife, for the last time: come out of the closet."

"But Leon, he came out of the closet when he met you!"

There was a definite, pregnant pause, and Leon dared to look to the side at where Yuffie was standing only a second ago. The silence persisted, and then there was a series of footsteps as Cloud at last returned empty-handed.

"...what was that about?"

"I'm not sure, but something tells me I don't want to find out."

By mid to late evening, the resident physician had finally made the house call, attended to Leon's back with some highly effective acupressure, and left the brunet at last able to move for the first time that day. In a much more elevated mood than he had been for too many hours to count, Leon joined the others at the table as he discussed something with Cloud along the lines of repairing something as soon as possible. When both agreed at last that it could stand to wait another day, their next collective decision was met with instant response.

"Holy Matron of Gaia, NO!"

The two men collectively blinked in a moment of stunned confusion, before warily meeting the exasperated persona that had interrupted them.

"... Tifa, there's really no way around it," Leon said. "At least this time we know what to expect, so we'll be more prepared for it."

"I can give him some protection, if you're that concerned," Cloud offered, which only seemed to excite the poor dear further.

"I won't have it! Do you two have no sense?!" Moments after, Aerith - much to their surprise - contributed to the same thought.

"We're honestly happy that you two are so intimate with each other, but what happened to taking things slow?!"

And realization fell upon the pair like a ton of flash frozen bricks.

"... You thought..."

"We were..."

"And I was..."

"And I did..."

"We trusted you to know what you were doing!" And that sentence confirmed it all.

In a split second, Leon turned a furious shade of red just as Cloud doubled over in helpless laughter. The brunet sputtered for a few seconds - echoed by breathless chortles - before finding his voice at last.

"I DID NOT HURT MY BACK BECAUSE WE WERE HAVING SEX!"

All three girls froze where they were; Tifa and Aerith were lost in confusion, and Yuffie - pulling to a stop in the doorway - was the picture of ultimate betrayal.

"...then what was-?"

"This idiot," Leon growled, jabbing an accusing finger back at the still laughing Cloud. "Broke his bed, came to my room in the dead of the night, and refused to leave. So I was stupid right with him, and let him share mine."

"So you didn't-"

"We didn't," came the repeated insistence. "All I did was brush against his hand, and the damned trigger-happy fool struck me in the back and kicked me across the room! In his sleep!"

"We're soldiers; we were trained to be trigger-happy!" Cloud protested in a half-hearted manner. "Didn't I tell you to put me a barrier between us because I knew this would happen? You were the one who didn't care!"

"How - HOW - did you even break your damned bed in the first place?!"

"That thing was older than the floor it was put on!"

"So it wasn't...?" And the argument came to an abrupt halt as Leon turned to answer the lingering question once and for all.

"No."

There was a silence now, as information was digested. At last, the older two looked at each other, coughed a few times, and sought to excuse themselves quietly. Yuffie continued to hover, a expression still so very betrayed as she at last came back to them.

"It's not fair," she whined. "Just when I thought I could take another off the list, it had to be a misunderstanding...?!"

Leon found little means of sympathy toward her case, but at last relented with a comforting pat to her head before getting up for some water. That left Cloud alone with the mourning girl, and he took in her countenance thoughtfully. At last, he tapped her shoulder until she turned slightly in his direction, too depressed for much else. A grin crept onto his face as he leaned in closer to whisper:

"It's true about what caused the back injury...but what makes you so sure we didn't do anything after it happened?"

Yuffie's head snapped up at once, and life returned to her instantly. With a loud, excited whoop and a babbled rant about how she needed to get some cameras, she was off and running again. Leon came back, glass in hand, just in time to watch her disappear out the door.

"...what did you tell her?" Cloud smiled vaguely at the wary stance of the one before him as he reclined in his seat.

"Nothing all that far from the truth..." he drawled.