Chapter 1
I dedicate this story to my dog Snuffers, and this chapter to that fucking pug that bit her at Burro Days. Damn you, pug.
Hey everyone. Elvis here. Now before you start freaking out, screaming, "A TALKING DOG?! HOLY SHIT!" just please remember that underneath it all, I'm just like you. There I go quoting Hannah Montana songs again.
No, but seriously folks. Just because I'm the new puppy of Nate Freaking Jonas doesn't mean I'm different from all the other puppies in the world. Sure I may be cuter, fluffier, and more handsome than all the other goldens, but let's face it people – underneath all that fur and cuteness, I'm just like you.
So I might not eat at a dinner table or go to school, but I sure as hell do similar things like you. I have friends. I like to hang out. I date other dogs. I have enemies. Basically, I'm a smaller version of you.
But fluffier.
Wait, I think I've already gone over the fluffy thing.
So here I am, sleeping in Nate's lap as he gently strokes my fur. I put my head up when I smell a smelly smell that smells… smelly.
"What's wrong, boy?" Nate asks as my ears perk up.
My nose twitches a bit and I hop off the couch. I run over to the door and start pawing at it. Shane comes over and opens it for me. I shoot out and put my nose to the ground as I search for the creature that's been snooping around in my lawn.
"Elvis! Elvis where are you going?" I hear Nate calling after me, but I don't stop.
I push through some bushes and then run out of the gate that Shane stupidly left open.
I go out into the vast backyard – shit, I've never been this far away from home before.
But the scent is still strong. I must find out who's been trespassing.
I can hear Nate call my name. I turn my head back and see him looking for me. I hesitantly continue going forward.
"Who goes there?" someone hisses.
I look to my left and see a black pug approaching me. He pulls back his lips, trying to intimidate me. I take a whiff of him, and sure enough, he's the one that has been trespassing.
"The real question is why the hell have you been snooping around in my lawn?" I snarl back, narrowing my eyes.
"Your lawn?" the pug asks.
I nod. "Duh. It's mine."
He tilts his head to the side. "Well your lawn has all of our food."
"Well I guess that's just too damn bad," I tell him. "I'm sorry but I'm sure my owner would not like you trespassing. Did you not see the 'no trespassing' sign? We don't want rouges like you in our yard."
The pug glares at me. "We're starving without our food. You've been taking it all."
"Huh…" I say sarcastically. "So you mean all of that nice, mouth-watering fresh-kill that I've been hunting for sport has been your food supply all along?"
He nods.
I laugh. "Sucks for you," I say and whip around, making sure to brush my tail up against the pug's face very sassily. I begin to flounce away.
The pug pounces on me and I let out a yelp before quickly turning over on my back, causing the pug to get off of me.
"What the fuck, man?!" I yell. "What the hell was that?!"
He growls. "You give us back what's rightfully ours."
I dug my front claws into the ground. "Never."
"Are you prepared to fight for this? Because I will do what ever it takes to feed my clan."
Clan? What is that? But sure, a fight sounds fun.
"I'm already ready to fight."
I slowly back up a bit and move to the left. I growl and narrow my eyes before launching myself at the pug. He lets out a surprised gasp as I rake my claws across his disgustingly wrinkly face.
The pug attacks back and sinks its teeth into my neck. I yelp and scoot back quickly, shaking my body to get him off. He only lets go after a couple of seconds and blood starts gushing out of my new wound.
Oh, that's it.
I strike back, and bite his leg.
"Elvis?! ELVIS WHERE ARE YOU?!" Nate sounds really worried.
I turn my head and start to run back home, but the pug attacks me again and pins me to the ground. I let out a low growl and try to get away, but the pug is very strong for its size.
The pug bites my ear and I cry out in pain.
Fuck! Shit! Ass! Tits! Man, this pug is kicking my ass!
I use all my strength to get the other dog off of me and get back up to my paws. "If I ever see you in my yard ever again, I will kill you," I say as mean as I can.
I turn around and quickly walk back home, but then I look back when I hear the other dog barking at me.
The pug launches itself at me, but misses with epic fail as I quickly scoot to my right.
"Ha ha! Missed me mother fucker!" I yell and then race back to my yard. I craw under my fence and then push through the bushes.
I see Nate looking behind every tree, shrub, or plant he can find. Then I walk up to him and using my puppy cuteness, I make him feel uber sorry for me as I limp up to him.
He looks at me and gasps. "Elvis! What happened to you?" He reaches down and picks me up. I whine a bit. I know that if I play the pathetic puppy dog card I'll get extra treats.
"Aww, you poor thing!" he says. "We better take you to the vet and make sure you're okay!"
Oh. Shit. No, wait! No this isn't supposed to happen! Not the vet!
Nate takes me inside. "Jason! Go get mum! Elvis got hurt!" He looks down at me and scratches me gently behind my ears. "Hang in there, Elvis. We'll get you fixed up."
Jason comes down the stairs. "Poor Elvis! What happened to him?"
Nate looks over at Shane who looks very guilty. "This stupid head over here forgot to close the gate and Elvis got out and obviously got attacked by something."
"Crap! What if the animal that bit him had Rabies?" Jason asks.
"He got his Rabies shot, you dumbshit!"
"Well excuse me!"
Denise comes into the room. "What's going on?"
I whimper a bit and try to lick some blood off of my shoulder.
She comes up to me. "Aww, poor baby. I'll go call the vet and tell them we're coming." Denise sets off into the other room, and Jason pets me.
"It's okay, Elvis," he says, comfortingly.
I whimper even louder. Maybe if I cry hard enough, they'll give me nice things.
Denise comes back into the living room where we are. "Get in the car, kids." She grabs her car keys, and Jason, Shane, Nate, Denise, and I shuffle out of the house, into the Jonas's Pruis.
What a nice car. And to think, I'm probably gonna get blood all over it. When Nate gets in the car, I whimper even louder.
"Don't worry, Elvis. We're going to the vet and you'll be all better."
No! That's not where I want to go! Shit!
I bark and paw at Nate.
"Shh," he sooths. "It's okay."
Mother fucker! This isn't the plan! They were just supposed to give me treats. No! I'm fine!
Shane turns to Nate. "God, he's awfully squeamish today," he says as I desperately try to hop out of Nate's lap. Shane attempts to hold me down. "Good God, he's going to break something trying to get away from you, Nate. What the hell did you do to him?"
"Me?" Nate asks, all defensive. "I didn't do anything!"
I bark, squirm, cry, and paw at Nate. Don't take me there! Please! I thought you loved me!
The car stops in a parking lot and I look out the window, only to see that we're at the vet's. I bark repeatedly and twist over onto my back, whimpering like a maniac. Holy Jesus Christ Nuggets!
"Elvis! What's wrong?" Nate asks.
I continue to bark.
"He's spazzing out!" Shane contributes, a slight hint of amusement in his voice.
Nate tightens his grip on me, careful not to be too rough, and opens the car door, stepping out. They take me into the vet's office, and I see all the other unfortunate animals sitting there with their owners.
They all look up at me, fear present in their eyes.
We all know this isn't a good place.
They take me into a room and the dreaded vet is standing there. Nate sets me on a cold, metal bed type thing.
"What happened?" Dr. Evil asks.
Nate shrugs. "I think he got attacked by an animal. He escaped and came back hurt."
Dr. Evil starts parting my fur to look at where the pug bit me. "It's pretty minor, but I'm going to give him an antibiotic to make sure he doesn't get an infection." Dr. Evil goes over to some drawers and pulls out some stuff.
Nate kisses me on my forehead and ruffles my fur.
"You'll have to hold him tight; he isn't going to like this," Dr. Evil says.
Fuck. Shit. Ass. Tits. What is he gonna to do me?
Nate tightens his grip on me, and Jason holds me down too. I start breathing heavily and whine a bit.
"It's okay, Elvis," Nate says. "Gosh, what's up with him today?"
Dr. Evil has to shave part of my fur off, making me look like a bald fuck, and then injects me with some shit that hurt so bad, I yelp as loud as I can and jump up. Nate and Jason keep me down, but I keep on whining and crying.
"Shh, shh…" Jason whispers.
I continue to make a fuss over it and squeal.
It finally stops hurting like a bitch, and Nate kisses me again. "See? That wasn't so bad."
Ha, easy for you to say. You didn't just get tortured.
They take me home and once we get back, Nate gives me some of the special occasion treats.
Hey, I got one good thing out of this.
I hop on the couch and curl up, falling asleep.
And about that fucking pug… I'll have to go after him tomorrow and kick his ass. I swear, if I see him even sniffing my yard ever again, I will murder his ass. I'll go run him over with a Hummer.
There we go. Sounds fun.