Title: Faux Vacuity

Date: August 28th, 2008

Word Count: 1,230

Summary: Jayne knows big words, and River knows that. They finally reach an understanding. To the rest of the crew though, it's just crazy-talk.

Rated: PG – Jayne curses a bit.

Warnings: Post BDM, also some mention of Ariel. Pre-Rayne.

Disclaimer: I own nothing or no one. If Jayne insists in stalking me, you should talk to him, not to me.

A/N: English is not my native language, so feel free to point at anything weird you find.

--o--

Jayne knew big words. He just wasn't fond of them. They made the world look more complicated than it really was, and Jayne wasn't fond of complications either. He had been out in the black for a long time, and done plenty of jobs for fancified core gentlemen who weren't men enough to do their own dirty jobs. He had spent enough time around them to scrub on some of that fancy useless vocabulary. So yeah, Jayne knew big words. Plenty of them. He just never saw a point in using them himself.

Everybody usually took him by an illiterate idiot – yes, Jayne knew what illiterate means, he even knew how to spell it, but being considered one didn't bother him none. Quite the opposite, it was a good cover, and he wasn't paid to think, anyways.

It didn't take Jayne long to figure out that being tough and playing dumb was the most efficient way to survive in his line of work. Being tough was actually part of the job description, and playing dumb gave him the advantage of surprising his opponents when the situation asked for a smart move. And that advantage was what had really kept him alive this long. People usually didn't give second thoughts at his smart moves and glimpses of intelligence, classifying them under the "lucky break" or even the "survival instincts" categories.

Being polite was no different. Jayne had table manners – his mother wouldn't let a kid of hers run wild in the 'verse like that. But after he left home all those years ago, Jayne chose to leave his manners behind too. He was a big bad mean mercenary, and he just didn't think using napkins would fit with that image. Also, crude remarks were so much more fun than appropriated comments.

Jayne wasn't an ignorant; he just firmly believed that dumbfied speech made it easier for everybody to understand. He was a big fan of clear and direct communication. If it's an elephant, he called it an elephant. No need for extra big and fancy words, or tip toeing around the subject. Surely enough, most times that attitude meant Jayne was the one saying the crude things no one else dared to say and nobody wanted to hear, but hey, someone had to say them words anyway, and being the insensitive one helped his tough image. Of course, with Mal as a captain, a man was doomed to grow tired of pointing the obvious all the gorram time, but it had to be done. Mal had a hell of a blind spot when it came to the obvious.

So, considering the life he had lived so far, it was no mistake to say Jayne had a real large baggage of knowledge – one that he just decided he shouldn't share and chose to ignore. Tough and dumb were the 

only things people around him needed to see, and it was fine with him. He didn't need and didn't want anyone to get close to him, anyways. But having a little crazy reader around made it quite difficult to keep all them secrets these days… River was always provoking him, teasing with her big words, trying to make him answer to them – and as a result prove to the rest of the crew her theory that he wasn't as dumb as he made himself look. He didn't know why she cared; he only knew that it didn't make him happy.

Jayne felt particularly unhappy one morning during breakfast. The whole crew was gathered around the dining table, chatting noisily as usual. The girl sat across from him, with those know-it-all-and-then-some-more eyes of hers staring right through him. It would be enough to make a body a tad nervous if it was anyone else, but after Miranda and everything she did at Mr. Universe's moon, it was right down unsettling. He tried to focus on his food, but he could still feel her glare poking holes in his head.

Finally having enough, Jayne tossed his chopsticks on the table and glared menacingly back at her.

"What?"

As if taking his attention as a hint to annoy him even further, River graced Jayne with a sunny bright smile.

"The anthropoid and the girl are even."

Taken completely aback, Jayne knitted his brow in confusion, while the rest of the table stopped their chatting to pay attention to the deadly odd pair. Jayne tried to figure out what the hell the crazy-person was talking about, but got nothing.

"Huh?"

River's smile grew and she tilted her head, running a long finger over the table as she explained what she had in mind.

"The anthropoid tried to vend the girl because she attempted to excise him, which exculpates both of them. Therefore, the anthropoid and the girl are even."

She finished her explanation and beamed at Jayne as if she had just made the most obvious of the statements. Obviously though, the rest of the table was staring at River and wondering if she was having another crisis. Even Simon was having a hard time getting her meaning, and he was about to panic about his sister's state of mind when Jayne's low and angry growl called his and everyone else's attention. River's words had been confusing enough, but the fact that Jayne looked like he had actually understood her perplexed the whole crew. The whole table stared dumbfounded and puzzled between Jayne and River as the pair stared at each other. River had a shiny and serene smile on her face, while Jayne looked red. He looked and saw red. What exactly did the little crazy woman wanted from him, bringing up Ariel like that out of the blue? He had hoped that would be one of the subjects they would never talk about. Jayne shifted uneasily on his seat, and growled at her.

"I ain't asking for an apology girl, and I sure ain't gonna give ya one!"

Despite Jayne's anger and the whole confusion rising around her, River remained calm and focused; her words steady and her smile fixed on her face.

"No apologies needed. The vagaries in the girl and the anthropoid's deportment even the balance out."

Jayne stared suspiciously at her for a moment, narrowing his eyes as his brain ran back and forth, trying to figure out if she was serious or not. Deciding she meant her words, Jayne raised an eyebrow at her.

"You sure we're ok, Crazy?"

"Yes." Smiling brightly at him, River offered Jayne her hand. He stared at it for a beat, then slowly raised his own hand over the table to take hers firmly, but he didn't shake it.

"But you have to stop calling me an ape."

River tilted her head at him and smirked. "Only if you stop calling the girl crazy."

Jayne smirked back at her. "You are crazy."

River's smirk grew. "And you are an ape."

River winked at Jayne, who raised a knowing eyebrow at her, and they both laughed as they shook hands. The rest of the table stared dumbfounded at them, wondering how the always tense relationship between the two deadliest people on the boat had suddenly become light and cheerful in a heartbeat, right in front of their eyes. Mal shook his head, not knowing what else to do. Apparently, crazy-talk worked just fine with deadly people. Huh.