Disclaimer – I don't own The Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi franchise, any of the characters, or scenarios. Haruhi and all related characters are the property of Nagaru Tanigawa. The song 'Gay Boyfriend' is written and performed by The Hazzards. No copyright infringement is intended and no money is being made, thank you.

One, two, ready, go

Ready, go

Ready, go

Ready, go

Ready, GO!

Haruhi snoozed quietly, lying on her arms, which were folded on her desk at the back of the classroom. English was a boring subject on the best of days, but with the sun shining directly in from the window onto her, and the teachers droning voice from the front of the classroom, Haruhi just couldn't keep her eyes open. That was, until the annoying boy sitting in front of her leaned back in his seat and nudged her with his elbow.

"Hmm?" she grunted, blearily looking up at him.

"Hey, quit sleeping," he told her, quietly.

"Why? It's a useless subject anyway. I'm never going to England!" she announced, pouting.

Kyon, the boy sitting in front of her, who also happened to be one of her only friends, just sighed.

"How do you know? You know, there's usually a lot of stories about aliens and physics in England," he told her, appealing to her eccentric nature.

She perked up. "Well then, if learning English will help me find strange things, then I shall learn English!" and she picked up her pen and began diligently taking notes.

Of course, this seemingly odd pronouncement from her was actually quite ordinary, considering what she usually came up with, so Kyon merely rolled his eyes and turned back to the front of the classroom. Haruhi noticed this exasperated look from him, and felt a twinge of anger. What right did he have to act as though he was any better than her?

"Oi, Haruhi," Kyon walked up behind her in the clubroom and tapped her on the head, dropping his bag on the floor as he did so. Haruhi felt a tinge of red creepy into her cheeks.

"What?" she asked, irritably.

Kyon sprawled inelegantly on one of the hard backed chairs in what was once the literature room, but which Haruhi had commandeered for her insane club, the SOS Brigade.

"Taniguchi told me something weird today."

"Who?"

"Taniguchi. You went to junior high with him," Kyon said, frowning.

Haruhi scoffed. "I don't remember everybody I went to junior high with," she said loftily.

Kyon looked irritated as he went on. "Anyway, I just wanted to know whether it was true that you once threw a guy into the school swimming pool."

Haruhi looked thoughtful for a minute.

"Hey, come on, it's no big deal. I've seen them before," he had said to her, leering down at her much smaller figure. Haruhi crossed her arms firmly. "No! What are you, stupid? Who would ask such a thing?" she frowned off into the distance. Why had the males in her class suddenly started staring at her chest? She didn't see anything overly special in the growing, fleshy bulbs there. Hmph. Men.

"Come on, Miyu isn't this uptight," he continued on. Miyu was another girl in their class, slightly older than Haruhi was, and extraordinary well developed for her age.

Haruhi started when he grabbed her arm and started trying to drag her off.

"Hey! What do you think you're doing?! This is unacceptable, let go of me!" she pushed at him, wishing she could get rid of this week's annoying boyfriend. Suddenly, somehow, he managed to trip over an uneven piece of tile near the swimming area he had insisted they talk in. Letting go of her arm in surprise, he stumbled to get his balance. Suddenly coming up with a brilliant idea, Haruhi pulled her foot up in front of her, gave him a wicked grin, and kicked him in the gut. His look of winded surprise made her day as he splashed backward into the freezing water.

"Oh, yes. But he deserved it," Haruhi told Kyon carelessly.

"Right. I can't imagine what he would have done to incur the wrath of Haruhi," Kyon looked at her condescendingly. Anger flared up inside her again as he once again seemed to look down on her, but she was stopped from any rash actions by the appearance of Nagato Yuki, the original member of the literature club, and who seemed to have been shunted into the SOS Brigade by default once Haruhi took over.

The shock of seeing Nagato arrive after they did was enough to make Haruhi forget her tyrant.

"Hey! You're late!" she announced as Nagato calmly took her usual seat and opened a large, heavy book.

She looked up every so slightly, nodding as she said "Detention."

"Woah! You got a detention? What for?" the ever-excitable Haruhi was up on her feet and trying to annoy the answer out of the once again silent girl.

"It was probably a whole class thing, leave her alone," Kyon said, setting up an Othello board.

Haruhi eventually tired of Nagato's lack of response, and once again took a seat, slumping onto the table in boredom. Her quiet mood didn't last long, however, as the only other male of their group had just arrived.

"Sorry I'm late," he said, smiling.

Kyon rolled his eyes.

"It seemed somebody in the class had stolen the teacher's phone," Koizumi's smile faltered slightly as he took in the sight of Kyon sitting lazily in the chair, one elbow resting on the back of it with his hand resting on the side of his head, fingers pushed through his hair. One of his legs was stretched out in front of him, bent only slightly so as to allow his foot to rest comfortably on the ground, while his other leg was angled straight down from the knee. He absently played with one of the Othello piece with his other hand, a bored expression on his face.

Haruhi noticed the change of expression in her 'mysterious transfer student's' face, but was hardly sure of it, since his perfect mask was back in place within moments.

Koizumi Itsuki, recruited to join the Brigade because of the fact that he transferred into their school after the term had begun. He also happened to be an Esper, somebody with the power of ESP, which was probably the real reason he was dragged into this strange group. Haruhi had gotten it into her head that she wanted to meet Aliens, time travelers and Espers, but was completely oblivious of that fact that they in fact surrounded her. Koizumi Itsuki, the ever-smiling yes-man, granted with mysterious powers three years ago and transferred into this school this year. Esper.

Nagato Yuki, the silent-as-stone girl who was always found with her nose in a book, put on this Earth three years ago to study the girl called Suzumiya Haruhi. Alien.

Asahina Mikuru, the adorable girl who was kidnapped by Haruhi and forced to join this insane group, sent by her superiors to watch Suzumiya Haruhi because of a rift in the Time Planes, three years ago. Time traveler.

Thinking about how he was the only normal one in their group, Kyon realized that the club mascot was still missing.

"Hey, where's Asahina-san?" he asked, looking at Koizumi.

Koizumi paused in setting up a new game of Othello. "Oh yes, I bumped into her on the way here, she said she had 'urgent business' to attend to, and wouldn't be able to make today's meeting.

"Urgent business? What urgent business?" Kyon muttered.

"She said it was…'classified information', I believe were her words," Koizumi explained, smiling innocently. Kyon scowled.

I'm tired of boys who make me cry,

They cheat on me and they tell me lies.

I want a love who will never stray,

When he sees other girls, he looks away.

"MIKURU-CHAN!" Haruhi pounced on the smaller girl the next day at their meeting.

"Kyaa!" Mikuru yelled as she was forced onto the floor.

"What were you doing yesterday, Mikuru-chan?" Haruhi asked, sitting on the girl who was actually her upper-classman.

"N-nothing…" Mikuru replied miserably.

"Hey, get off her! It's none of your business what she was doing yesterday!" Kyon said angrily.

Haruhi frowned at him, but her excitement had gone. "Fine," she said, getting off Mikuru and sitting on her desk.

Kyon, ever helpful as he was, went to help Mikuru to her feet. Haruhi scowled at them, before noticing she wasn't the only one scowling. Koizumi was casting a dark look at Mikuru as well. Odd, he usually got on so well with the other members. Mikuru, too, noticed his look, and pulled her hand away from Kyon as though burned. "Ah, Kyon-kun, I'm fine," she said, forcing a laugh, and glancing apologetically at Koizumi.

"Asahina-san," Koizumi called across the room as he packed up the chessboard.

Mikuru glanced up from where she was neatly packing away her maid outfit.

"Are we still seeing that movie tonight?" he asked, glancing uneasily over at Haruhi.

"Ah-ha! You two are seeing a movie together!" as always, Haruhi had overheard. "Mikuru, you naughty girl!" she said gleefully, hugging the other girl around her waist.

"Uhm, Suzumiya-san, it's not like that…" the petite girl said, blushing.

"Of course it is! When a boy and a girl go to see a movie together, that's how it is!" Haruhi announced, pointing a knowing finger at the two of them. Mikuru cast a desperate eye in Koizumi's direction. "Uhm, no, it's really not, I'll explain later, okay?" she seemed to direct the question more to Koizumi than Haruhi. Koizumi smiled, and nodded.

"I'll see you at the complex tonight, Asahina-san," he said, before walking out of the clubroom.

"H-hey! You're not really seeing a movie with her, are you?!" Kyon stuttered, as he followed the other boy into the halls, closing the door behind him.

"Now, explain!" Haruhi demanded. Mikuru glanced uncomfortably at Nagato, who merely turned another page of her novel.

"Er, well, you see…it's not 'like that', we're just friends…" Mikuru said, knowing full well that this would not convince the boisterous girl in front of her. "What I mean is, I'm not really his type…"

"Hah! Of course you are! With your cute face and large breasts, what boy wouldn't want you?" Haruhi said, eyeing the full figure of Mikuru.

"Koizumi Itsuki…" said Nagato quietly, from the corner, drawing the attentions of both Haruhi and Mikuru.

"Is gay. Correct?" she finished, turning another page of her novel.

Mikuru turned red-faced and nodded almost imperceptibly.

"What?!" Haruhi shouted. "Why wasn't I informed?! This is important!"

Mikuru desperately looked for an escape route from the angry girl.

"Hmph. Anyway, why are you seeing a movie with a gay guy anyway?" Haruhi asked, looking at the door Koizumi had walked through earlier.

"Well, he's…uhm…easy to talk to, and since interested in K- in other guys, I know he's not only after me for one thing…" Mikuru attempted to explain.

"Easy to talk to? Not after you for one thing? Pah," Haruhi said, but she looked thoughtful nonetheless.

"Anyway, maybe you should try spending time with him sometime. He really is a good person," Mikuru said, as she pulled open the door. She grinned at Haruhi before leaving.

And if he never kisses me well that's alright,

'Cause we can just, cuddle all night.

Gay boyfriend, gay boyfriend,

I don't really care that you are queer.

Gay boyfriend, gay boyfriend,

I never feel lonely when you are near…