Because I Want You

part one

Ed stared through his shot glass as he rested his head against the countertop of the bar.

"Had enough yet, Edward?"

"Nope." Ed replied without looking up, waiting for the bartender to fill up his glass again. Shaking his head, the other man did so, eyeing the blonde somewhat curiously.

"What are you running away from?"

Ed downed his new shot silently, his mind off in another place. The bartender sighed in exhasperation and walked away when another customer called for him. Rolling his eyes, Ed laid his head down on the bar again. He wasn't sure all the alcohol in the world could make him forget his brother. He still was thinking of those gorgeous dark golden eyes, and his sweet-smelling strawberry blonde hair. But at least the drunker he got, the less guilt he felt. It still welled up a bit inside him now, all those feelings. All those words. Shouldn't. Can't. Sick. Strange. Unnatural. Everything he was, he felt, everything he knew he couldn't change about himself. In all truth, it was getting harder and harder every day to keep pretending, to keep up this facade. Al had to notice that almost every time they touched by accident, Ed's heartbeat picked up, and his face turned a little pink. Or the fact that he refused to let his little brother sleep in his bed anymore, even though sometimes Al came to him in the middle of the night after he'd had a bad dream. He was afraid. He was afraid of himself, afraid of what he'd do to Al in that situation, and he didn't want to hurt his brother. Above all else, he wanted to protect him. And having Al next to him in bed ... he just wasn't sure he could stop ...

Ed banged his head into the bar, with somewhat of a sigh, motioning for the bartender to return again. He was definitely going to be at the bar awhile if he couldn't get those thoughts out of his head. This time, he ordered something stronger.

--

Al nervously looked at the clock and paced back and forth in his room. Ed had never been this late before. Not to mention, his brother had left when he was asleep, and without saying where he was going, or even leaving a note. And he knew Ed almost always got into some kind of trouble when he was out. He fidgeted with the bottom of his shirt nervously, looking out the window. Al was getting almost to the point of hysteria when he finally heard the door click open. He ran out of the room and down the steps.

"Brother!"

Ed shakily leaned against the table in the entranceway. He had managed to kick off his shoes but had not yet removed his coat. Ed looked up, finally hearing his brother's voice and burst into giggles. Al looked mostly horrified, making Ed outright laugh.

"Ed this isn't FUNNY! I was really worried about you!"

As his brother kept laughing, Al drew a bit closer. "Y-you're drunk!" he exclaimed, smelling the alcohol on Ed.

Ed wiped the tears that were in his eyes from laughing, finally shrugging off his jacket and letting it drop to the floor. His laughter slowed a bit.

"Bingo, little brother." he stumbled past Al, patting him on the head as he went by. Ed made it to the steps before falling to his knees and laughing once again. Al rushed over, genuinely worried about Ed and tried to pull him to his feet.

"... Let's get you to bed."

"Mmm ... sure, Al, sounds great." Ed grinned at him, leaning on his brother as they went upstairs. Al turned bright red at Ed's words and said nothing else. He struggled a bit, but finally got Ed into his room, and onto the bed. As Ed fell back against it, he accidently pulled Al down with him. Al's face turned even more red as he found himself on top of his brother.

"Ah, Brother, I'm sorry, sorry." Al tried to get up to run off but found himself caught in his brother's embrace. "Ed? What ..."

"Don't go yet, Al."

"B-but ... I thought you didn't want ... me ... in here ..." Al shivered nervously.

"It wasn't that ... I just ... well. You know, Al ..."

"What? Know what?"

"I really do like you ... love you ... more than anyone ..."

"Anyone?! Brother, wait, what are you saying? You're drunk, stop it." Al's voice went down from a loud protest to a soft, unbelieving voice.

"Do you feel the same way? Is that it, Al?"

"I ... I mean ... Brother ..." Al's voice now lowered to a soft whimper of confusion. He couldn't tell if Ed was serious or just completely smashed.

Ed held Al a little tighter to him and kissed him gently, feeling his brother relax in his arms and almost melt into the kiss. Al even seemed to kiss him back a little, somewhat unsure of himself but still seemed willing, so Ed made the kiss deeper. This time, his brother made a soft noise against his lips, and Ed tightened his grip on Al's shirt. But even so, Al quickly was pushing him away, trying to escape from his arms.

"Brother, no ... I can't ... you don't mean what you say, you're just ... no ..."

"I ... oh ... Al, I'm sorry ..." he released Al, and watched his brother's back disappear out the door. Ed heard Al's door slam shortly after that and he let his head drop back against the bed again. Even through the shut door, he could hear his brother's soft sobs. Almost none of this actually seemed real to him as he soon drifted off into some form of sleep, his mind too hazy and too tired to even know or realize what he had just done.

--

to be continued ...