Doc code 1278803-4576a

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Entry 34--

I am still not sure what to think. A part of me longs to return to the legion. Another part of me wishes to remain in isolation.

I am confused.

I am afraid of myself, and what I am capable of doing. I am also afraid of my friends, and what I have done to them, and what they think of me.

I am frightened.

Never before could I understand the crippling fear that makes one freeze in place and stare in abject horror. The twisting, painful contractions of the abdomen, the sickening sensation in the stomach…

I do not know what to do.

I miss my friends terribly, but I also have new friends.

I was musing on these things when my thoughts were rudely interrupted by the loud racket that occurs when Arno and Thaal trip over each other and crash into my door. At least, that was what I discovered when I opened the door and found the two of them in a tangle lying just outside.

"We fell," Arno explained, attempting to disentangle his right leg.

"It hurt," Thaal added.

"I would assume so," I said, attempting to suppress an irresistible urge to giggle. Yes, giggle. Not laugh, or even the more masculine "chuckle". I was going to giggle.

"You would assume nothing," Thaal grumbled. "Let me tell you, you don't have to assume, I can give you market research to PROVE that this disaster was painful."

"Market… research?" I squeaked, covering my mouth.

"Do you have a rat in your throat?" Arno asked, glancing up at me, his eyes peering around Thaal's elbow.

That did it. I stumbled back into the room and collapsed into a chair, laughing myself silly.

It took at least forty-five seconds for the two to finally find their own appendages, and another five seconds to get inside and close the door.

"It is not funny," Thaal grumbled at me.

I could not answer, I was laughing too hard. The giggles had been replaced by guffaws, and I was laughing so hard that I was bent double.

"It's not funny! It is not--" Thaal froze. "Brainy, are you crying?"

"Wh-what?" I gasped, reaching up and brushing the side of my face with my fingers. "Oh…" I paused, I intrigued. "I have tears. But I am not sad…"

"It happens," Arno said. "Man, we must have looked funny out there."

"You looked ridiculous. And I have been thinking too hard. I needed a 'break'. I am glad you came," I said, sighing, though it was a sigh of happiness, not distress.

"So Brainy," Thaal said, "Can we get down to business now, or do you need to laugh at my expense a little longer?"

"Business? Of what business do you speak?" I asked.

"I speak of the business that I want you to busy yourself with busying… wait, what was I saying?" Thaal asked Arno.

"We both think you should go back to the legion," Arno said to me.

I stood and headed for my bedroom, my good mood vanishing instantly. "Goodbye, Thaal, Arno, I trust you can see yourselves out."

"Brainy, wait," Arno said, grabbing my arm.

"You don't understand!" I shouted. "I do not want to go back. I do not trust myself. I can not do it, I am not ready, please, don't make me. Please."

"Brainy," Arno said again, quietly. "Sometimes, being human means doing things that you feel like you can't do. Being human means facing your fears. Being human means… sacrifice. You have a duty, Brainy. You need to go back, and it doesn't matter if your ready now because you never will be ready! Right now is when they need you, right now is when you can make a difference."

Arno sighed and released my arm. "Don't run away, Brainy. It only hurts you and the people around you who care about you."

I sighed. "I don't know what they'll say. I don't know what I'll say. Do they even want me back?"

Thaal opened his mouth to say something.

"I know they say they want me back, but do they really feel that way? It is simple to say things you do not feel! Please understand. This is… difficult."

Arno nodded enthusiastically. "And that's why we came up with a plan."

I frowned. "Plan? What plan?"

Arno grinned. "A plan to figure out if the Legion really wants you back. And a plan to get you back into the legion."

I frowned. "Tell me more."

Thaal grinned. "With pleasure!" with a flourish, he pulled out a chair. "Have a seat, this might take a while. We brainstormed all afternoon…"

I sat.

"So, anyway, Brainy, the idea is this…"

With one thought track focused on whatever harebrained scheme Thaal and Arno had concocted, the rest of my mind mused on a singular topic.

I hadn't ever really found myself. I still didn't know everything I wanted to, and something inside me seemed to say that I never would. What truly shocked me, however, was the fact that I didn't care that I didn't know. And somehow, I didn't have to know.

Because I was going home.

If I have learned nothing else, I have learned that one doesn't need all the answers. All one really needs is to be known and loved, and have a place they can call home.

Home is not where I was born, or where I live, or where my friends are. Home is the place where I feel like I belong…

And I should never settle for the next best thing when I have a true home.

A/N: So there you have it! The end! Now... watch for the sequel!

On another note, this chapter feels a bit awkward, and I'm not sure why. Maybe it's Arno and his eloquence... I don't know... Anyway, I think I'll be posting the sequel shortly... as in, within the next few minutes...