PORN!

or, what your friends don't know...

Naruto glares at the book on his cluttered kitchen table again, before turning around and opening the fridge to take out some (non-expired, this time) milk. He pours himself a glass of said milk, and as he turns back around to sit down, he glares at the book some more, as though the momentary lapse in his concentration had allowed the book to add some more questionable and highly inappropriate material to its slim content. Not that he necessarily knows what the exact contents of the book are, but, if the author is Jiraiya, it is safe to say that nothing is, indeed, safe. The man has the imagination of a horny schoolboy and the artistic skills to draw each ecchi moment out in painful, excruciating, down-to-the-sweat-drop detail. Detail that he does not want to scar his retinas with forever.

Evil book, he thinks, taking a sip of the milk, eyes narrowing to slits until he can barely see the damn thing. Life-ruiner, he grinds between his teeth, letting a frustrated noise escape from his nose. The blaringly yellow cover glares cheerily back, not moving, as though it has no problems in the world and no one's ruined life to account for its very existence. He distinctly wishes he hadn't brought Kakashi's copy home with him, but, then again, it is one less copy out in the world and to leave it in the middle of the street like that... well, anyone could have picked it up!

Know your enemy, Naruto thinks. Know your enemy even as you hate him- because you hate him- so you can hate him some more. And then defeat him.

Reaching out delicately with two fingers, Naruto pinches the corner of the book, making a disgusted face as the slick cover slides between the pads of his fingertips, and flips the book over, so the illustrated cover shows.

Immediately, he cringes and lets go of the book. Nevermind. He doesn't want to know his enemy. It is almost too painful to look at face-on. He looks so goddamn effeminate! His normally wide blue eyes are magnified to an insane degree, the irises taking over the majority of his eyes, which in turn take up what feels like half of his face. The hard lines of his chin have been softened and the dark lines that mark the Kyuubi's whiskers are shortened and lightened until they are nearly invisible on his chubby cheeks. His hair, instead of being up in its customary spikes, lies on his head in drab waves the color of his normal banana-colored hair, lending an element of realism that he really wishes it wouldn't. His eyelashes, on the other hand, are so thick they look like some of his eyebrows had migrated south for the winter and then decided to stay forever. But, despite all the changes it's creator has made to his appearance, it still looks too much like him. There is no one else that looks like this, in the entire village- and absolutely no way anyone could think it was anyone else. It looks exactly like him- except- except, he struggles to think of the word without throwing up- ukefied. Don't ask how he knows the word- just don't.

And the other one in the picture- he really does almost gag. The guy's eyes are slim as usual, dark like his hair, his face narrower and more mature than his years belie. In fact, he looks so much older than normal- especially in comparison to the character's cover-mate, whose baby-face makes him seem like he hasn't yet finished puberty. His gratuitous height is evident even in the cropped photo, and in contrast, the other character looks diminutive and rather helpless. His arms, clad in dark material, hug Naruto's character close to his chest, and a dirty smirk curls the corner of his drawn mouth, the very expression on his face devouring and making Naruto shiver.

In fear for his sanity.

Feeling nausea rising up his throat, in time with his strangled cry of "GYAAAAAHHHH!" he slams his glass of milk over his drawn face. Doesn't anyone realize that even if he is oriented... you know, that way... he is still a GUY! With- with- man parts! And manly features! Okay, perhaps they aren't manly yet, but they will get there, dammit, and he will not be portrayed as weak and helpless in the arms of some jerk who is smirking like the cat just got the canary! Even if he passes out, he is still a fearsome ninja with impressive skills and the body to go with it!

Naruto sighs heavily, eyes closed in frustration. That goddamn smirk gets to him more than anything, and he wouldn't have put it past that bastard Jiraiya to include it in the character's description just to piss Naruto off. As if the entire venture isn't ache-inducing enough, Jiraiya even had to try and make it semi-realistic and not in the good way! The smirk is so close to one he barely remembers but thinks of often- the know-it-all smirk of a best-friend and enemy, taunting him into betterment or into a fight, making him realize what he wanted and what he needed to prove to the world. It's the smirk that inspired him, confirmed their friendship as nothing like those fake friendships of the past, with their forced smiles and quiet disdain for the beast in his belly. The drawn version was a shadow of the real thing. It taunts him, but not in the same way- it makes a mockery of his past with Sasuke, cheapens their friendship into something tawdry and cliche. It dirties anything they ever had between them, and for that he hates the book more than for its silly, sexual content.

Sakura-chan could find it, he thinks, frowning in distaste. He doesn't know how much she's into those kinds of things, but this is definitely something one has to keep from one's best friends if one could, especially considering the other person that's involved in the debasing business. If Sakura ever gets the idea of some sort of sexual relationship between him and Sas- fuck, he doesn't even want to go there! If she hates it, that's one thing. He's used to being hated by Sakura, and she won't spread it around if she hates it. But if she likes it- Kami-sama help him, he is going to need the ANBU storehouse of weapons to keep himself safe from her wrath at not knowing about it first. He's going to have to superglue his pants to his ass just to keep her from ripping them off to check for love marks.

But Sakura-chan isn't the only one he's worried about finding out about the whole business. What if one of his commanding officers finds out about it? Kakashi-sensei already knows, and he knows Jiraiya will spill the beans to anyone who will listen just to promote its sales and help his flagging career. What if Tsunade finds out about it? Or Shizune? Woman can't keep her mouth shut to save her life, and she's as close to Jiraiya as Tsunade is, and considerably less likely to brush off every idea he presents as completely worthless, like Tsunade. And then Iruka will find out about it, and then Ibiki, because goddamn that guy knows everything and is scary as fuck, and then Kotetsu will know and he'll tell Genma, and then Gai will announce it to everyone with a flourish of his hand a sparkle in his eye AT THE TOP OF HIS VOICE, and Asuma will know and Kurenai and Neji and Konohamaru and Shikamaru and Ino and Chouji and Shino and Kiba and oh god his life is ruined. Completely in smithereens.

"FUCK YOU, JIRAIYA!" Naruto yells at the top of his lungs, scaring away a few of the birds that sit at his window-box, though one particularly old and decrepit-looking one just looks up momentarily before going back to eating his radish plants.

Everyone is going to think that he is some sort of man-slut, and as a Porn!Star, he will never be taken seriously as a ninja and he will never become an ANBU or the Hokage, and he will die a lonely old man, shaking his fist at the ceiling and cursing Jiraiya even at his deathbed because no girl wants to have sex with the star of a yaoi manga. All they ever want to do is watch. What the hell is he going to do to get his reputation back to what it once was? Slumping forward on the table, he spreads his arms across the wooden surface in an expression of complete defeat.

He needs to do something to stop this madness, and now. Clenching his eyes shut, he searches his mind frantically for an idea- any idea. He isn't the smartest of the pack, but he certainly isn't the stupidest. Maybe. It is questionable. Regardless, he thinks of an idea that has some merit. Suddenly, he stands. He can stop this right where it starts. He is a ninja for Kami-sama's sake, and if he wants to keep this from his friends he needs to start right away. They are perceptive (blabbermouths), so it has to be done now. Right now, before even one more of them gets wind of it.

A moment later he is perched at his windowsill, crushing his poor radish plants and just about to jump out to the neighboring building when an explosive knock radiates around his room, followed instantly afterwards with Sakura's distinctive voice calling, "Naruto, you idiot, you'd better let me in RIGHT NOW before this door is dust! I know you're in there!"

There isn't a swear word bad enough to encompass what he feels.

Naruto looks worriedly at the shaking door, and longingly out at the neighboring building. He could run for it, but in the corner of his eye he sees the bright cover of the porn novel flicker in the sunlight, the book still resting in the center of his table. If he runs, she'll definitely see it. With a twinge of regret, he jumps back inside and stuffs the novel hurriedly down his pants (there is nowhere else, really!) and calls out, "I'm coming Sakura-chan! Don't break my door!"

Waddling uncomfortably over to his front door, he zips up his jacket to his neck and pulls open the door just in time to see Sakura raise a chakra-covered fist in her attempt to break the door down. Her normally pretty face is twisted in an expression of malevolent anger and though she lowers her fist upon seeing Naruto's face, he notices that not all of her brilliant blue chakra dissipates. He can hardly contain the shiver of fear that works his way down his spine, though he smiles brightly and says, "What's up, Sakura-chan?"

Her bright green eyes narrow, and he almost squeaks as she steps towards him menacingly. "How..." she growls out, footsteps making the floor shake under his feet, "could you have not told me about this?"

As he toddles backwards, he sees in her unfisted hand a bright yellow copy of Jiraiya's yaoi novel.

Oh Sakura-chan, as a yaoi fangirl. Sigh... Who really knows, maybe she is one? You can't really have that many testosterone-laden men running around you all day in pairs and not get to wondering what happens when there's only one blanket and its 30 below outside... At least, I wouldn't be able to resist. xD Anyways, many thanks for your generous reviews and encouragement, although I'm not really sure how well I repaid you by waiting all this time before updating, and then with this one measly chapter... but never fear! There is more! What does Naruto plan to do? What the hell is Sakura going to do to his ass? Haha we'll see...