Author: Julie
Characters: Haldir/Altariel (OFC), Rúmil
Disclaimer: Altariel is mine; the rest belongs to the Tolkien estate. No money being made here. Just for fun.
Summary: Altariel seeks to rectify a decision she regrets.
IMPORTANT NOTE: My story "The Hunt" really should be read first. This one will make little sense otherwise.
A/N: None of my stories are canon. However, I have used the canon term 'fëa' in a way that is hopefully plausible, or at least enjoyable to read. Fëa is the "spirit" or "soul" of an elf. Fëar is the plural of fëa. Both words are Quenya.
Dedication: For Eleanor, who requested more Haldir hotness.
xxx
She had not lain with him since the night of the Hunt.
As dusk rolled gradually into night, Altariel shifted on her bed, the sheet twisted around her bare legs from all her restless tossing and turning. Never in her life had she been so miserable or bereft. She missed and loved Haldir terribly. Now that she had found him, felt his touch and his kiss, he was all she could think about. Her body ached for him; her arms yearned to enfold him once more. She longed to hear his deep voice, to feel the caress of his lips whispering across her skin. She hungered to run her hands over his well-toned flesh, to feel the heavy press of his body upon hers.
For months it had been like this—months in which she had not been with him. Indeed in all this time she had hardly even seen him or spoken with him.
The fault was not wholly hers; after all, he had his duty at the Fences. He was there at this moment, far away from her. But even when he'd been here in the city, things had been no different . . . and that was her fault entirely.
She was such a fool.
Groaning softly, Altariel rolled to her side and buried her face in her pillow. Fool, fool, fool. All he'd asked for was courage, she reflected guiltily. Why could she not have given him that? For a single night she had been so bold, so brazen, so daring. Where had all that boldness gone? Was it not still a part of her? Where had it gone?
The wild and sensual memories of that one night with him haunted and burned her, but they were private and personal. She had tried to explain to him that she could not bear to have people speculating about how they had found each other. To be together so soon after the Hunt would mean that everyone would know, or at least assume, the manner of their meeting. It would be so obvious, so blatant to all. No one would speak of it, but they would know. The thought had embarrassed her greatly.
Let us wait, she had begged him. Let us do this so gradually that no one will ever suspect, and then we will have our privacy. It had seemed so reasonable to her, but it had not been what he'd wanted. He had been resistant and angered, although he'd hidden his anger well. Nevertheless, in the end he had yielded to her pleading, albeit with unwillingness.
At first she had been relieved, though it pained her to see him so displeased. However, with the passing of the weeks she had begun to wonder if she had been unwise. He had been polite and cool toward her, as before. He had not sought her out, just as he had never done so before the Hunt. Worse, she had seen him speaking with other ellith, ellith who flirted with him as they had done before. In turn, he flirted back, subtly . . . exactly as she had seen him do before.
Yes, he had done as she asked. He had agreed to treat her no differently than he had treated her before they had found each other. He had agreed to go on with his life as if nothing had changed. And so he had done . . . much to her chagrin.
She hated it.
Even at this instant she could feel his fëa. Though they had not bonded, there was still a bond of sorts between them; that had not changed. Instead of a union of their fëar, his fëa and hers were coiled around each other in what amounted to a lover's embrace. It was both deliriously pleasurable and insanely frustrating. She could feel him right now, so close and yet so beyond her reach. And it was torture, every hour and every minute of each night and day.
Did he feel it too? He must. How could he not?
No one else knew or even suspected that she had gone on the Hunt. She had told no one about what she had done—not her mother, nor her father, nor even Celeth. But this knowledge offered no comfort at all.
She stared out the large window beside her bed, gazing through the mighty branches at the stars. She thought about him, imagining the things he must do to protect his people. She envisioned him fighting terrible creatures, swinging his mighty sword or wielding his great bow, while she lay here, shivering and weak, doing nothing at all.
He did not deserve such a coward, and yet destiny had paired them together. They were meant for each other, they both knew it. Did he suffer as she did? Elbereth, she had never wished him to suffer. She could not leave things as they were.
Tormented by such thoughts, she sat up abruptly, unable to bear another moment of inaction. She had to DO something or she would go mad! But what?
Leaping to her feet, she swiftly dressed and left her talan. Outside, she stood silent, her heart beating so hard she thought it a wonder it did not wake anyone nearby who was enjoying a restful reverie. Her hands clenched and unclenched with frustration. What was she going to do?
And then she knew.
She spun on her heel and reentered her home to collect her knives.
xxx
Ignoring the curious sentinels who guarded the city gates, she left Caras Galadhon behind her and headed into the woods. If Haldir could track her, why then she could track him. She would use their link to find him, and they would straighten out this matter.
She left her fëa exactly as it was, entwined with his, afraid that if she shifted it, she would somehow alert him to her plan. He would disapprove, of that she had no doubt, but she had important things to say to him that could not wait. Once said, she was sure those words should please him greatly. He would then forgive her for doing what he had warned her never to do. To follow him out to the borders of their land.
Under the cover of trees, away from the prying eyes of the sentinels, she paused and closed her eyes. She turned this way and that, evaluating carefully, and then she knew which way to head. He was at the Northern Fences.
She set out with determination, knowing she had many hours of travel before her. She did not even know if she would reach him before daybreak, but no matter. The important thing was to reach him, for she could bear their separation no longer.
She broke into an easy run, just as she had done the night of the Hunt. Two hours later, slightly winded, she slowed to a walk, but for no more than a few minutes. Almost immediately she ran again, keeping her attention on where she felt he was, as well as on the forest around her. She did not fear the dark or night predators who hunted there, for she was an elf. The only things she feared were Orcs, and they would never find their way this deep into Lothlórien. Haldir and his wardens would never allow it. Yet she was watchful.
Hours passed. Altariel knew almost no fatigue, for excitement drove her on, the anticipation of being with Haldir again enough to dispel any weariness she might have felt. Now that she was finally taking action, doing something to resolve this unbearable situation of her own making, her spirits felt renewed. She was joyful again, hopeful and exhilarated. She imagined his face when she told him of her change of heart. He would be so thrilled to see her!
At length she slowed her pace, pausing long enough to gauge his location more precisely. She had no idea how she knew where he was; she simply knew. She had been able to hone in on him like this ever since the night of the Hunt.
The night was just beginning to fade when she realized she was near the border. Faint color streaked the sky, announcing that Anor had woken.
It was then that she heard the sounds.
Distant shouts came to her ears, sounds that were unfamiliar to her, but which filled her with unease. She hesitated, testing her connection with Haldir, and found it unaltered and strong. He was very near, and he was safe. Thank Elbereth!
Unsheathing one of her knives, she started forward at a purposeful pace, following the sounds of what she was convinced was a battle. She rounded the trunk of a large tree and eased through some brush, her knife at the ready. And then she froze.
Not ten paces before her was an Orc, the first she had ever seen. Its red eyes were looking straight at her.
Everything happened at once. The twang of a bow, swiftly followed by the thud of an arrow sinking into the Orc's chest, told her she had company. Then Haldir dropped to the ground right in front of her and seized hold of her arm. With a low curse he thrust her behind him, his guarded gaze turned in the direction of the threat.
In a state of shock, Altariel opened her mouth, but before she could protest, he was shoving her ungently toward the nearest tree. "Climb," he snapped. "Get up to the flet and stay there!"
He whirled away, casting aside his bow as another Orc crashed through the underbrush, heading directly toward them with its weapon raised. Horrified, Altariel did not move. Haldir's quiver was empty and he was drawing his sword, but Altariel's instinct took over. Without thought, she lifted her knife and threw it, sending it deep into the Orc's chest before Haldir could slay it. The Orc dropped like a rock.
Haldir spun toward her, his face and demeanor furious. "Climb!" he snarled, in a harsh, lashing voice she had never heard him use.
Altariel climbed.
xxx
Holding another of her knives, she huddled alone on the flet for some minutes before he arrived. He leaped agilely through the center hole, and stalked over to where she crouched, watching him warily. His face was tight, his expression displaying no hint of gentleness or warmth. This was the Marchwarden, the intimidating and imposing leader rather than the tender and passionate lover she remembered.
Uncertain, she shrank from him. He did not speak. Instead, he went to a small chest set against the trunk of the tree. Opening it, he withdrew something she could not see, and when he turned, she gasped with dismay at what he held.
"Haldir, what do you intend?"
He seized her wrists and pulled them behind her. "I cannot risk your safety so I will do what I must to ensure you stay here. I do not trust you to do as I say." Ignoring her protests, he bound her hands, tying the other end of the hithlain to a branch in a way that guaranteed she could not escape.
"Haldir!" she protested in genuine shock. She was even more shocked when his hands slid under her gown and up her legs. He found her third knife, strapped high on her thigh, and took it from her, tucking it into his belt.
"You will not need this," he said flatly. "You cannot reach it, but I will take no chances."
Insulted and furious, she glared at him. "Untie me, Haldir! This is absurd and I will not—"
He made a sharp gesture with his hand. "What is absurd is your presence here," he cut in, his voice edged with steel. "I thought you had better sense." He sounded harsh and critical, and she was hurt.
"I killed that thing! You should be proud of me!"
"You failed to obey my command. One failure is all I allow." He gazed down at her, his eyes slightly less hard than a moment before. "I cannot risk your safety," he said again, and left her alone.
Seething with indignation and distress, she sat for what seemed like hours, the sounds in the distance telling her that there were more of those creatures out there. Her arm hurt where Haldir had gripped her. There would be bruises, but she did not care about that. She only cared that he was safe, and that they healed this horrible rift between them.
He did not trust her. The thought hurt her heart.
How many Orcs were there, and how many wardens? She hoped Haldir wasn't alone. Surely there must be others nearby. If only she could see what was happening! But he had tied her so that she was forced to stay where she was.
Fatigue set in, hitting her harder than she'd expected. She had run most of the night, and the shock of Haldir's non-greeting, his anger and coldness, had deflated her excitement. Altariel's spirits sank low, and she felt more foolish than she had before she'd left the city. With a small sob, she rested her forehead on her knees, her stomach churning with anxiety and regret.
Everything that could go wrong had gone wrong. And she was more miserable than ever.
xxx
Haldir gathered his arrows from the bodies of the dead Orcs and then stalked away, leaving his wardens to heap them into a pile just outside the woods. Soon they would burn, filling the air with that terrible smell they all loathed.
"Haldir?" A hand on his arm stopped him. "What is wrong?"
Haldir stiffened, but did not turn. "Killing is never pleasant, Rúmil."
"Nay, that is not what troubles you. I saw the elleth. Who is she?"
Keeping his face neutral, Haldir swung around to meet his brother's gaze. "You saw no elleth."
Rúmil looked at him in puzzlement, and then snorted softly. "I know what I saw, although I did not see her face. Her presence is a secret?"
"Not a secret. A mistake." Haldir's voice was cold, but Rúmil was not deceived.
"Ah, a new lover," he guessed, his mouth curling slightly. "Someone you met on the Hunt, perchance?" The question was slyly spoken, for neither he nor Orophin had succeeded in getting Haldir to talk about that night.
Haldir clenched the fingers of his right hand into a fist, a longtime habit that was the only outward sign of his inner turbulence. "Aye," he said briefly. He paused, debating whether or not to say more, but it was only Rúmil, who would always keep his secrets. "She is not ready," he added. "She wants to keep things as they were before." He heard the thread of bitterness in his voice. These past few months had been hard.
"If that is so, why would she come here? She must have wanted you."
The words made sense, but he was still angry. Haldir looked at his brother, but it was Altariel's face he saw, Altariel's image burning brightly in his mind. Memories of that one night still scorched him, haunting his dreams each night. The feel of her fëa coiled around his was driving him to the brink of madness.
"Who is she?" Rúmil asked softly, his eyes compassionate.
Again, Haldir hesitated, then gave a slight, resigned shrug and spoke her name aloud. "But that is for your ears only. You may tell Orophin but no one else."
"Understood," Rúmil said, and used his knee to nudge him. "Go to her."
Haldir turned away, but could feel his brother's gaze upon his back.
xxx
Altariel did not look up, although she felt his presence on the flet. He crouched down behind her and untied her hands, which she immediately drew together so that she could rub her chafed wrists. He did not at once rise, but remained where he was, so close she could feel his breath stirring her hair. The tension between them was thick and unpleasant.
"You are unharmed?" she asked, her voice subdued.
"I am unharmed and you must leave." His voice was uncompromising. "I will give you an escort to be sure you reach the city safely."
She swiveled to look at him. "On the contrary I will not leave, nor will I require an escort to find my way back. I came here to talk to you, Haldir."
He stared incredulously. "You will do as you are told! We will speak next week when I return to the city."
She reached out and caught hold of his hand, clasping it between both of hers. He looked stern and powerful, and it was all she could do not to be cowed. But this was Haldir, her lover, and she would not allow him to intimidate her.
She brought his hand to her heart, holding it there so he could feel its beat. "You will listen to me, Haldir," she insisted. "Stop being so obstinate."
His eyes narrowed, but she noticed they flickered downward for a moment. "You forget yourself, elleth. You have no place here. You are not a warden—"
She flinched. "I never claimed to be!"
"You put yourself in danger. You came here recklessly and without thought—"
"I gave it plenty of thought!" she flashed, growing angry again. "I ran all night to be with you!"
"Why?" he demanded. He withdrew his hand from her grasp and rose to his full height, glaring haughtily down at her. "For months we have barely spoken. That was what you wanted, Altariel. What has changed?"
"I have changed!" She leaped to her feet, facing him squarely. "In all these months, I have done nothing but think of you! And I was not in danger," she added, addressing that portion of his reprimands. "I had my knives, and you were right here to—"
"I was here by happenstance!" The slight flare of his nostrils betrayed how angry he still was. "Had I not been here, had I not seen you coming and rushed to protect you, you could have been killed! A knife buried in an enemy's chest is a knife no longer in your hand, you little fool. There were many Orcs, not one or two!" Haldir paused, his breath hissing, then added in a hard-edged voice, "Orcs may be stupid, but their weapons kill as easily as ours. I could have lost you."
"You feared for me," she whispered, as understanding dawned. "Is that why you were so angry?"
He looked at her, his expression peculiar. "I said I could not risk your safety. Is that not plain enough? Do we not have feelings for each other? Are our fëar not intertwined even as we speak?" He spoke with vehemence rather than anger, for the first time revealing his hidden emotions.
Shamed, she bit her lip and looked down, her vision blurred with sudden tears. "I . . . I am sorry. I see now that I was selfish. I did not think—"
A head popped through the hole in the flet. "Excuse me," said Rúmil, his blue eyes guileless. "May I make a suggestion?"
They both spun around to stare at him.
"What?" Haldir snapped.
Rúmil smiled ingenuously. "Good morning, my lady, you are looking well. I was going to suggest that perhaps Haldir might like to escort you back to Caras Galadhon himself. That way the two of you could have a bit more privacy to discuss whatever matters you wish to discuss." He gave a small cough. "Voices carry, you know. It is only I, but others may come along soon."
Altariel blushed scarlet, realizing how loudly they had been speaking.
"Thank you, Rúmil," Haldir said sardonically. "You are in charge until my return."
Altariel's heartbeat quickened as the meaning of Haldir's words sank in.
She forced a polite smile that faded as soon as Haldir's brother left. "You will go with me?" she asked hopefully.
"If your wishes concerning me have altered, then we have things to discuss. I do not wish to wait." His gaze was steady, holding hers without effort.
"What about your duty here?" She did not want to ask that question, but she felt she owed him her acknowledgement of his responsibilities. "And what is that horrible stench?"
"Burning Orcs." Haldir wore a look of distaste. "Aye, I can leave. These attacks come rarely, but if there is another, my wardens are ready. They are well-trained and they obey orders." He put a slight emphasis on the word 'they'.
This pointed reference to her defiance made her look away from him, unsure how to respond.
She felt the touch of his hand on her arm. "Come," he said gruffly. "I will gather a few things for the journey, and we will be on our way."
xxx
tbc