Darkness
Disclaimer: nope don't own them. I am perfectly happy with James Cameron's version of events as long as he doesn't place everyone on a sinking ship.
Rating: what the hey I'm going for a G
Summery: What if? Max leaves Logan for a new life because she can't take living without touching.
Spoilers: Up and through "Proof of Purchase"
Chapter 1: Leaving Seattle 1/7
I'm alone again.
I never thought that this would happen. It was like Original Cindy said things would come correct cause me and Logan had it like that. At least I thought it would be like she said. But I'm finding more and more like pieces of my past seem to hunt me down and destroy everything I've spent the past ten years trying to build.
So I'm some Golden child. Manticore's prize guinea pig. I wish I wasn't.
I wish for a lot of things though. Wishes just seem worthless now.
For the first time in my life I wanted to kill someone. Sure I've had the feeling that it would be possible but tonight I wanted to mutilate Alec. I wanted to torture him. I wanted to hurt him more then he had hurt me. But then I realized that would make me like him and I turned away. It wouldn't fix the problem and it wasn't really his fault, he couldn't have foreseen what happened but I hate him just the same.
I could have been over at Logan's. I could have been in his arms.
Alec ruined that for us.
Why am I not surprised? Why am I slightly relieved?
I try not to think about that. I find I'm trying not to think about a lot of things lately. I try not to think about what Logan and I had. I try not to think about what Zach did for me, I try not to remember that it's his heart beating in my chest. I try not to think about how I almost killed Logan or how I lead countless others too their deaths by releasing them from Manticore. But mostly right now I try not to think about Logan's face when I told him. How his heart seemed to drop to his feet and how he tried to reassure me that it would be ok, these thoughts cloud my mind and make me feel that I am alone all the more.
The space between the two of us is like an ocean growing everyday. It's too much and it's too hard. When I see him I want to run to him but I remember to do so would be to kill him and I stop my foolish actions. At times I forget and do something stupid, like dinner earlier this week.
For about the millionth time in my life I wish I were normal. But then I remember that I would never have met Logan if I were normal.
I reread the crumpled paper he had given me as I left him.
My Angel taken, lost
In darkness I fell
When she came back she did not take my hand
She could not take my hand
But I follow, in shadow, hope for things lost
I imagine her mine
In darkness I hoped
When she came back she would take my hand
But she could not take my hand
Now the space grows too wide for one of us to cross
I want…touch her face
In darkness I long
For when she can take my hand
I know she'd take my hand
If only time weren't crossed
My angel I feel you leaving
In darkness I know clear
This life we were weaving
Knotted, torn
Come back when you can
Come back take my hand
In darkness I wait evermore
He knew me far too well. He knew I wasn't coming back any time soon if ever. But he had such faith in me. Maybe I'm not the hopeless romantic type but I'd like to think that he's right about me. I'd like to think that Original Cindy knows what she is talking about.
Be careful Max.
He added at the bottom of the paper. Funny how that is always the last thing out of his mouth. As if I didn't know what I was doing. Well truthfully I don't know what I am doing but… I guess what is really funny is the fact that I'm going to miss those words. They always seemed to mean more coming from him.
From my perch on my bike I turn around once more to look at the city I had called my home for so long. I can picture what everyone I know is doing. Original Cindy and the gang are chilling at our usual. Normal is being well Normal.
As a chilly Seattle rain sets in I can see Logan at his window looking out. Maybe he's got one hand pressed against it. Maybe he's standing there with his forehead against the cold smooth surface, eyes closed not seeing anything. What ever position he is in, I know he is at his window waiting.
I turn my back on the city and gun it as the wind drowns out my whispered words.
I will Logan. I will.
She's leaving. As I stand with my hand pressed to the glass of my window I realize that we are losing this battle. I guess I knew it all along. I felt her slipping from me from the moment she came back. If I could hold her here I would. But I can't, she's not mine to hold, maybe she never was.
I close my eyes and rest my head against the cold hard glass of the window. It's raining now and she's long gone. I can't seem to tear myself away from this window. I can't seem to do anything but remember that she's gone and that I may never see her again.
I don't know yet if it was easier when she was at Manticore. Believing she was dead put some sort of closure on it. Knowing she is out there, knowing I can't be with her, that is something I had never planned for and I don't rightly know how to deal with it.
I want to bury myself in work. Eyes Only saves the day again, that sort of thing. But strangely enough I can't motivate myself enough to move to the computer. Maybe tomorrow. Right now all I want is to sit here and wait.
I know it's only because part of me still thinks she is coming right back. Part of me doesn't want to believe that she is really gone. Part of me clings to the hope that this was just an awful misunderstanding. I know that part of me is wrong. She won't come back unless we can be together safely. She won't come back unless she wants that.
I don't even know if she wants that anymore.
Slowly I come to realize that I've left some music on. It's a Jewel song that's playing now. Somewhere in the back of my mind I wonder what happened to Jewel.
"Dreams last for so long. Even after your gone. I know you love me, and soon I know you will see, you were meant for me and I was meant for you."
The song seems to match my mood but it angers me and I tear myself away from the window to shut it off.
That's when I start to rage against Alec.
After a good rant at the scum I head back to the window to wait.
Tomorrow I'll look at the notes that Max left. Tomorrow I'll start looking for another scientist. Right now I'm just going to sit by the window and let the rain clean up the mess.
I know she's someone's angel. I can only hope one day she'll be mine.
Disclaimer: nope don't own them. I am perfectly happy with James Cameron's version of events as long as he doesn't place everyone on a sinking ship.
Rating: what the hey I'm going for a G
Summery: What if? Max leaves Logan for a new life because she can't take living without touching.
Spoilers: Up and through "Proof of Purchase"
Chapter 1: Leaving Seattle 1/7
I'm alone again.
I never thought that this would happen. It was like Original Cindy said things would come correct cause me and Logan had it like that. At least I thought it would be like she said. But I'm finding more and more like pieces of my past seem to hunt me down and destroy everything I've spent the past ten years trying to build.
So I'm some Golden child. Manticore's prize guinea pig. I wish I wasn't.
I wish for a lot of things though. Wishes just seem worthless now.
For the first time in my life I wanted to kill someone. Sure I've had the feeling that it would be possible but tonight I wanted to mutilate Alec. I wanted to torture him. I wanted to hurt him more then he had hurt me. But then I realized that would make me like him and I turned away. It wouldn't fix the problem and it wasn't really his fault, he couldn't have foreseen what happened but I hate him just the same.
I could have been over at Logan's. I could have been in his arms.
Alec ruined that for us.
Why am I not surprised? Why am I slightly relieved?
I try not to think about that. I find I'm trying not to think about a lot of things lately. I try not to think about what Logan and I had. I try not to think about what Zach did for me, I try not to remember that it's his heart beating in my chest. I try not to think about how I almost killed Logan or how I lead countless others too their deaths by releasing them from Manticore. But mostly right now I try not to think about Logan's face when I told him. How his heart seemed to drop to his feet and how he tried to reassure me that it would be ok, these thoughts cloud my mind and make me feel that I am alone all the more.
The space between the two of us is like an ocean growing everyday. It's too much and it's too hard. When I see him I want to run to him but I remember to do so would be to kill him and I stop my foolish actions. At times I forget and do something stupid, like dinner earlier this week.
For about the millionth time in my life I wish I were normal. But then I remember that I would never have met Logan if I were normal.
I reread the crumpled paper he had given me as I left him.
My Angel taken, lost
In darkness I fell
When she came back she did not take my hand
She could not take my hand
But I follow, in shadow, hope for things lost
I imagine her mine
In darkness I hoped
When she came back she would take my hand
But she could not take my hand
Now the space grows too wide for one of us to cross
I want…touch her face
In darkness I long
For when she can take my hand
I know she'd take my hand
If only time weren't crossed
My angel I feel you leaving
In darkness I know clear
This life we were weaving
Knotted, torn
Come back when you can
Come back take my hand
In darkness I wait evermore
He knew me far too well. He knew I wasn't coming back any time soon if ever. But he had such faith in me. Maybe I'm not the hopeless romantic type but I'd like to think that he's right about me. I'd like to think that Original Cindy knows what she is talking about.
Be careful Max.
He added at the bottom of the paper. Funny how that is always the last thing out of his mouth. As if I didn't know what I was doing. Well truthfully I don't know what I am doing but… I guess what is really funny is the fact that I'm going to miss those words. They always seemed to mean more coming from him.
From my perch on my bike I turn around once more to look at the city I had called my home for so long. I can picture what everyone I know is doing. Original Cindy and the gang are chilling at our usual. Normal is being well Normal.
As a chilly Seattle rain sets in I can see Logan at his window looking out. Maybe he's got one hand pressed against it. Maybe he's standing there with his forehead against the cold smooth surface, eyes closed not seeing anything. What ever position he is in, I know he is at his window waiting.
I turn my back on the city and gun it as the wind drowns out my whispered words.
I will Logan. I will.
She's leaving. As I stand with my hand pressed to the glass of my window I realize that we are losing this battle. I guess I knew it all along. I felt her slipping from me from the moment she came back. If I could hold her here I would. But I can't, she's not mine to hold, maybe she never was.
I close my eyes and rest my head against the cold hard glass of the window. It's raining now and she's long gone. I can't seem to tear myself away from this window. I can't seem to do anything but remember that she's gone and that I may never see her again.
I don't know yet if it was easier when she was at Manticore. Believing she was dead put some sort of closure on it. Knowing she is out there, knowing I can't be with her, that is something I had never planned for and I don't rightly know how to deal with it.
I want to bury myself in work. Eyes Only saves the day again, that sort of thing. But strangely enough I can't motivate myself enough to move to the computer. Maybe tomorrow. Right now all I want is to sit here and wait.
I know it's only because part of me still thinks she is coming right back. Part of me doesn't want to believe that she is really gone. Part of me clings to the hope that this was just an awful misunderstanding. I know that part of me is wrong. She won't come back unless we can be together safely. She won't come back unless she wants that.
I don't even know if she wants that anymore.
Slowly I come to realize that I've left some music on. It's a Jewel song that's playing now. Somewhere in the back of my mind I wonder what happened to Jewel.
"Dreams last for so long. Even after your gone. I know you love me, and soon I know you will see, you were meant for me and I was meant for you."
The song seems to match my mood but it angers me and I tear myself away from the window to shut it off.
That's when I start to rage against Alec.
After a good rant at the scum I head back to the window to wait.
Tomorrow I'll look at the notes that Max left. Tomorrow I'll start looking for another scientist. Right now I'm just going to sit by the window and let the rain clean up the mess.
I know she's someone's angel. I can only hope one day she'll be mine.