Why I'm Not Allowed to…

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto!
A/N: I have no will power. 'Stay away from the fanfiction', I said. 'Stick to the original story for a while', I said. But since when do I ever listen to my own advice?

Chapter Ten: Shino, You're not the Reincarnation of Coco Chanel.

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The spawn of the Aburame clan was having lunch when he was unceremoniously disturbed by an unwanted guest.

"Hoshi," Shino began, "Why are you here?"

"Oh, whatever you're having looks so delicious! Can I try a bite?" the puce headed boy asked eagerly.

"No. Why? Because I don't share food."

"Gee, who put a bee in your undies?" Hoshi groused, then cracked up. "A bee! In your undies! You probably do have one, doncha?"

"Hoshi, you're an idiot."

"And you're a two faced beaver."

"Leave me alone," Shino tutted, "Kiba's gone on another mission and I've once again been forgotten. Why? I don't know."

"Maybe it's 'cause you're not a very good ninja."

The Aburame pinned him with an icy glare. "What?"

"I mean…maybe you weren't meant to be a ninja," Hoshi corrected himself.

"Again…what?"

"Maybe becoming a ninja isn't your destiny! Did you always want to be a ninja? I mean, there are a lot of other occupations out there. Maybe you wanted to be something else, but you had no choice!"

"Like what?"

"This is counseling," the con artist warned, "I'll need payment to help you out."

"I've got forty rhou."

"Fork it over, buddy!"

"Now, you were saying?"

"Well," Hoshi said, "What about…fashion designing?"

"Fashion?"

"Yeah! I think you were born for it, personally. I mean, the way you mix and match those sunglasses with that gray jacket…and the hood! Very cool, very sexy. Hell, if I were gay, I'd probably fall for you!"

"You're straight?" Shino marveled.

"Asexual, actually. The only thing that turns me on is money. But never mind that, I'm telling you: Shino, my boy, you're the reincarnation of Coco Chanel! You've got the flair! You've got the style! You've got the creative mind!"

"I am rather wild," Shino admitted.

"Right! Right…so you should give everyone here a makeover!" Hoshi said, gesturing with a pickle to make his point clear.

"You're right!"

"Yeah I am! You should paint the town purple!"

"Purple's out of fashion, but I see what you mean!"

"You should buy me lunch!"

"I should!"

"Right!"
"Right!"

They beamed at each other, and the bug-nin-turned-fashionista left. "So much to do, so little time," he was muttering as he walked away. Hoshi cackled as he helped himself to the rest of the boy's lunch. So he'd inspired Shino to design clothes. So what? Whatever he came up with, it couldn't be worse than the idiocy the people of Konohagakure wore now, could it?

It's shocking just how wrong one boy can be.

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"I call it The Divine Dance of Joyous Orgasm Line!" Shino declared. Hinata turned a delicate shade of green, and Kiba gaped at the collision of chiffon and cotton and tie dye and…and…(dare I say it?) zebra print!

"It's…interesting, Shino," Kurenai said.

"Interesting? Please, sensei! This is gorgeous! Why? Because I made it!"

"Well, at least he has a hobby now," Kiba commented when he left in a huff.

"I wonder how long this phase will last," Kurenai muttered, and Hinata gave a little whimper of fear.

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"Sakura! What are you wearing, it's hideous!" Shino cried as he approached the pink haired kunoichi. The girl twitched. "What's hideous?"

"Your clothes! Ugh, even you shouldn't have to look so ugly," he complained, "Let me fix it! Why? Because I can!"

She gasped as he abruptly unzipped the little zipper over her shorts, causing the skirt-type-thingy (what is that?) to fall away.

"Oh, very nice, very haute couture!"

"What the hell, Shino!?"

"Hey," he said, putting his palms up, "Thank me later. You will, too! Now maybe guys won't think you're a lesbian!"

"People think I'm a lesbian?" she asked, dumbstruck.

"Guys do, I mean you're too strong to be straight."

"What kind of shit-ass sexist reasoning is that?!"

"It's the way we think, chickadee," he chuckled, heading off to fulfill his oh-so-noble-mission of brining fashion to the ninja world.

Naruto looked to his teammate. "Did Shino just say chickadee?"

"Did Shino just unzip you?" Kakashi asked.

"Did Shino once ask 'why?' like the complete idiot he normally is?" Sakura questioned them.

"Yes, yes, and no," Sasuke said.

"I smell a rat," the pink haired kunoichi growled, "And its name is Hoshi."

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"Yeah, I…uh, inspired him," Hoshi broke into a sweat as Sakura lifted him by the collar.

"Why?"

"He was all depressed, I wanted money and he had chicken and he was pissed at Kiba and MOMMY THAT DOESN'T BEND THAT WAY!!"

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"Anko-san! What the hell is up with your fishnet fetish?" Shino barked at the volatile chuunin. She glared at him in the same way that Hinata didn't. (Yeah, Douglas Adams!)

"What did you say?"

"Fishnet! God, don't get me started on fishnet! Why does everyone in the ninja world like fucking fishnet so much? Everyone wears it, what is it like a talisman? Take it off, take it all off!"

Iruka shot her a sly grin. "Yeah, Anko, take it all off!"

A hook to the left sent him flying, and the woman turned to the ex-bug-nin. "Now, you were saying?"
"Tie-dye! That's the way to go! Grunge! It's coming back!"

"Guess what?" Anko asked him sweetly.

"Yes?"

"I don't give a fuck."

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Tsunade stared at the broken mess that had once been Hoshi, and turned to Team Seven. "Do I want to know?"

"Shino's out there giving fashion advice because this puce haired donkey told him he was the reincarnation of Coco Chanel," her apprentice scowled.

The Godaime Hokage shot the injured (wow, understatement of the millennium there) boy a weird look. "Coco Chanel?"

"Fashion icon."

"Right…Shizune, fix Hoshi. Hoshi, fix Shino. Sakura, get me some tea, all this hard work is giving me a migraine. Kakashi…I think Sasuke and Naruto are trying to kill each other again," she said, cocking her head to the side quizzically. They heard the faint cries of 'CHIDORI' and 'RASENGAN' and the Copy Nin sighed.

"I'm on it," he said, jumping out the window.

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And so it came to pass that Shino was never excluded from a mission again. Ever.

And so it also came to pass that Hoshi was never allowed to counsel anyone in any way again. Ever.

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People, does anyone actually know what 'haute couture' means? Enlighten me, please.