Title: Family meeting
Name: Joy
Email: [email protected]
Rating: PG-13
Life was becoming more complicated. Willow and Tara officially broke up over Willow's overuse of magic. Anya had convinced Xander that Buffy and Spike dating wasn't all-bad especially since Spike had his soul back. Dawn was probably handling the turn of events the best. Consensus among the Scoobies was if the Powers that Be were cool with arrangement then who were they to stand in the way.
For the most part Tara and Dawn were very accepting of Spike's presence in the house… It made for better games of cards and conversation. Buffy and Spike would generally patrol together after dinner and 'family time' so to speak. This lended itself to coming back to the house showering and sleeping. On the few nights Spike did go back to his crypt Buffy tossed and turned searching for her cold comrade in her sleep. Buffy took it upon herself to call a house meeting about the situation—without Spike's knowledge or approval.
"So what's this all about Buffy?" Dawn asked as the three women sat around the dinner table. Tara looked on with curiosity.
"I want to ask Spike to live with us but I wanted to make sure it was alright with you first," Buffy said in one long breath.
Tara and Dawn looked at each other and laughed. "Is that all? We thought you were going to tell us there was some ancient prophecy you were fulfilling by having a vampire's baby," Dawn said with a laugh.
"That can't happen and you know it…" Buffy glared.
Tara smiled. "Really Buffy, if you want to have Spike move in we would be overjoyed… I'll switch rooms so you two can have more space and a new start for me in a new room," she ventured.
"Really?" Buffy asked excitedly.
"Oh yeah…" Dawn chimed in. "But he is so responsible for cleaning his own blood mugs. That stuff is just gross when it clots," she said sticking out her tongue.
"Wow… that was easier then I thought. Now all I have to do is convince Spike that it is a good idea," Buffy said with a sigh.
"You don't think he'll want to… He's here all the time," Dawn quipped.
"Yeah but he still does go home and brood."
"That was Angel… Spike watches TV and eats chicken wings," Dawn said with folded arms.
"I just don't think he wants to move in… I mean we talked about it and he likes staying here and being part… but he likes his space too. Maybe it's just a guy thing," Buffy said solemnly.
"Probably," Tara agreed. "This is the house of estrogen after all." They all had a good laugh at that and got ready for dinner.
Spike was at the Bronze shooting pool when Xander entered to see if the cold one was about minus the Slayer. Xander strode up to the vampire as he smoked. "How's it going, Blondie?" Xander ventured.
"Fine… And you Harris? Or are you here to rag on me?" Spike asked.
Xander sat on a stool next to the table, "I was just wondering about this thing with you and Buffy…" Spike exhaled smoke slowly. "Are you in it for keeps? Or are you going to freak and pull a Dead Boy routine? Because we've been down that road before and it's not pretty."
Spike set the pool stick on the table and took a long drag on his cigarette. He eyed Xander for a moment. "Angel didn't work because Buffy and he had too much pain and torment between them. Captain America was a little too clean cut and not enough dirt. Lets be honest, I never really inflicted that much harm on anyone Buffy loved accept Angel… and she long ago forgave me of that. I also am no choirboy. The way I see it, I'm exactly what she needs. She can't have a normal life so why not give her someone who can love and fight with her… No Harris, I'm not gonna flea like either of them. Peaches was wrong… She needs someone who can dance with her in the dark, not take her in the light." At that Spike picked up the pool stick on the table and sunk the last ball. He put out his cigarette and took a swig of beer. "Anything else?" Spike asked calmly.
Xander stood up and sighed. "Just being protective. The last time you tried to convey your love to Buffy you chained her up in your basement."
Spike scrunched up his face and breathed heavily, "Yeah… I did… Hey, I let her go… You, my friend, dragged her out of heaven." He said with a wicked grin.
"Okay… Over the line… Extreme low blow," Xander said in defense.
"I'm just teasing," Spike laughed. "Besides… She's here now. And now I have a soul that isn't going to be taken away from me for loving Buffy… If you didn't come pestering me about my intentions, I'd be worried. That's your job as the brother."
"You sense that too, huh?" Xander said with a smile.
"Yeah."
"Well, you go home to my little sis, 'kay?"
"Ya got it Harris," Spike said and handed him the pool stick. Spike's blond head floated out of sight. Xander decided to make himself scarce too.
Spike walked along the gravestones of the cemetery looking at the full moon. He climbed on top of his crypt with his journal and pen staring up at the sky. For everything he had just said to Xander Spike couldn't help but feel something was very off between him and Buffy. They kept bumping into the same problem…She didn't love him reckless abandon. She was still afraid he would leave so she didn't say she loved him and she didn't trust him entirely. Spike had committed to Buffy in everyway he knew how short of crossing his own lines. He wouldn't move in or sleep with her until she committed to him fully.
He let out a deep sigh and picked up his pen.
My love, my heartGiven freely and unreturned
Why am I not different?
Why can't you see?
When will I stop running races
against ghosts of the past?
When will I be free?
When will you love me fully?
When will you see the pain you cause?
When will you turn on me in anger
because I'm not leaving like the rest?
When will you be over me?
Why won't you love me differently?
Why can't you love me differently?
The words flowed quickly from his mind to the pen. They were on the page before him in seconds and he knew… the pain. In a moment he understood Riley in a way he never had before. Spike understood all to well the pain of loving Buffy could cause. To love Buffy was an all-consuming task but she wouldn't let him close enough to be needed. He had traded her feeling of death for his own.
"Hey," came a small voice from below. Buffy climbed the side of his crypt and accepted Spike's hand up. "What's ya doing up here?" she asked.
"Looking at the stars… Solitude and all…" he said in his British way.
"Ya want to be alone?" Buffy asked timidly.
Without looking at her he said, "Yeah… Alone is good right now."
"Oh," she said softly. "Okay… I'll be around…" She looked back at Spike looking at the sky. "Are we okay?" she asked a bit confused.
"Why wouldn't we be?" he said absently. "You like the way things are."
Buffy stopped and looked at him suspiciously. "But if you don't like the way things are then we aren't okay," she said succinctly.
Spike's eyes came level with hers, "Go patrol… Nothing will change in the next few hours."
Buffy was totally taken aback. She sat down directly across from Spike on the top of crypt meeting his gaze. "Patrolling will wait… I've made big mistakes in the past by running off patrolling when I should have worked things out… I just need to know what the problem is," Buffy said in one breath.
Spike stood up and started to pace on the small roof. "That's part of the problem. You don't even know or notice… I have Xander asking me if I'm going to pull a disappearing act on you and I can think is 'Hey, there is a reason the guys get gone,'" he snapped.
She blinked a few times trying to take in what was just said. "You want to leave me too," she whispered.
Spike sunk back down and grabbed her hands. "No… God… I couldn't even leave you when you were dead… Leaving now would be masochistic… I just understand now why they left."
"You do?" Buffy whimpered with tears in her eyes.
"Yeah," Spike said gently. He brought his hand to her face and caressed her cheek. "You have no idea what its like to love you so completely and to give you everything I can and watch you pull back… I'm fighting off the ghosts of your father, Angel, Riley, and now Giles… I need your all and you can't give that. So it hurts a lot… And all I can do is wait and hope that one day you'll realize that I'm worth the chance."
Buffy was crying by this point. "I'm sorry I can't love you the way you want me to…" she cried as she leapt off the roof of the crypt and began to run.
Spike took out after her. He grabbed her shoulder and spun her around, kissing her hard. She struggled in his arms but not to her full ability. "That's a lie Slayer!" he spat. "I've seen you love… I've seen you love with complete abandon… I want that… I want all of your love, not just what's safe to love me with… I'm drowning in you and you are desperately trying to keep your head above water… Meet here Buffy. Love me with your all not with just what makes sense."
Buffy's eyes were pierced by Spike's. He held her to himself for a moment and then loosened his grip. "I'm not going any where. But it's not fair to make me pay for all the sins of those who came before me… I've got enough sins of my own… I love you, but that's not enough."
Spike started to walk back to his crypt when Buffy called after him. "I asked them." Spike turned around in question. "I asked Tara and Dawn if it would be okay if I asked you to move in." He listened and walked a few steps closer. "They said it was fine." Spike stood right in front of Buffy. "Tara and I are going to switch rooms so we could have more room… You and me… I thought we could go to store and look at paint for the walls, something dark and not reflective."
Buffy looked up with hopeful eyes at Spike, who leaned down and kissed her gently. "Picking paint?" he asked with raised eyebrow.
"It's what I got right now… I know you're not leaving on one level, but the fear is still there," Buffy said and paused. "This is what I can give right now with all honesty… a future."
"I can accept that," Spike said with a kiss.