(Backstage)
Zack fiddled with the camera until it shakily pointed to himself. "Guys, I know that the shows haven't come up lately but…I've been extremely busy and the funding for the show is…"
"Stop making excuses! You broke the other camera!" A voice shouted.
"Shut up, Rufus! Like I said the funding…"
There was a slight pause as Zack winced into the camera. He looked down. "ChocoboHead? Can you please…get Zax off my leg?"
A voice behind the camera laughed. "No. It's not my fault he bit you."
Zack yelped and dropped the camera. "Ack! Get 'im off! I pulled him off you!"
"Yeah…fifteen minutes after the fact…look at poor Cloud over there."
Cloud huddled deep into the far corner of the greenroom. "Mother…I think I just lost my innocence. MOTHER!"
Zax got up, picked up the camera, and looked into it. "Actually, I just spoke to Cloud…nothing happened. Why does everyone assume that I do something bad when I just happen to be around people?" He sighed, "I do have a girlfriend, y'all know that right?"
Everyone paused and glanced over at Zack's violet-eyed twin. "What?!" They all said in unison.
Zax groaned. "I'll be in my room."
Rufus looked over at Zack and ChocoboHead. "I think he's mad."
(Showtime!)
Zack stared out into the audience for the show. His eyes widened at the turnout. "Holy crap!"
The (large) audience stared back. The youngest fan—who was only six—stood up.
"Mommy, Mommy! Mister Zack said a bad word!" She accused.
"I did not!"
"Did too!"
"Nuh-uh!"
"Uh-huh!"
"Nuh-uh!"
"Uh-huh!"
An idea popped into Zack's head. "Uh-huh!" He said.
"N-nuh-uh!"
"Thank you for agreeing with me." He went over to the desk and sat down. Suddenly, he jumped up.
"Seph! W-why are you asleep in my chair like that?!" Zack sputtered.
Sephiroth got up and moved over to his own chair. Pajamas and all.
"My room smells funny."
Every fangirl in the audience was in awe of Sephiroth in his PJs
"That doesn't give you option to sleep on set!"
Sephiroth gave a dark chuckle. "So?"
Regardless of his sleep attire…Sephiroth could still strike fear into the hearts of millions with just a single glance.
Zack's voice cracked. "Uh…I think I'll move on to my argument for today…" He gave a nervous laugh as he proceeded.
"Okay, due to popular request we got Kunsel to show up here. He will be in a few of the informative segments…blah, blah, blah. You know what though; I learned over the years that no matter what you try you couldn't prove Kunsel wrong. I don't know why he isn't a 1st yet…"
Kunsel walked on stage, wearing his usual uniform and military helmet. "It's because every time you went drinking…I got blamed and my pay got docked. The only reason you became a 1st is because Angeal suggested it."
"Ah…man, you still sore about that?"
"Yes."
Zack decided to change the subject. "Dude, how come you never take off the helmet?"
"It's my uniform."
"But…we're not doing Final Fantasy games now…we're just…goofin' off."
Kunsel shook his head. "No. I don't want to take off my helmet."
A strange grin crossed Zack's face. "I know a guy…who thinks you're a girl…because you wear the helmet."
Kunsel's voice cracked, "What the hell?!"
A second "Zack" charged across the stage…tackling Kunsel and knocking the poor guy to the floor.
"TAKE OFF THE FRIGGIN' HELMET!"
As the audience, Sephiroth, the writer, and everyone else on/off stage stared at Zack, Zax, and Kunsel tumble off the platform, Sephiroth decided this would be the best time to start Aerith's segment.
"I suppose it's time for "Aer Cam?"
Everyone silently agreed…except for the fighters, of course…
Aerith was shoved center-stage to do her segment.
"O-kay then! Today we have an interesting video…Here is a moment with Cloud, Zack, and Vincent…
(the scene faded to Cloud, Zack, and Vincent standing outside of a dressing room)
Cloud: So…how many toads to you have to lick?
Zack: I dunno…like four maybe…
Cloud: Vincent, I know you must know! How many toads do you have to lick to get high?
Vincent: …
Zack: I'm gonna take that as two.
Cloud: That's too few. It has gotta be at least four.
Vincent: …
Zack: No, three.
Cloud: Seven!
Vincent: …
Aerith: (whispering) it is five. You'd expect them to know that!
The scene faded back to Aerith as she gave a weary smile. "Don't try that at home children, only Ancients can do this without killing themselves. Next scene: "A rivalry between the Fantasies."
(The scene faded to Tseng yelling into a telephone.)
Tseng: Well, you can forget that buddy! Final Fantasy VII is the best and there is no way that we are going to merge with some... Wait, how much are you going to pay…?
Cloud: Who's that?
Tseng: It is Final Fantasy VIII's people. They claim you ate IX so they want in.
Cloud: Final Fantasy IX…never heard of them.
Tseng: The kid with the tail.
Cloud: Oh, that guy that gets along with Yuffie so well…the thief…
Tseng: Yes and Final Fantasy VIII says because you ate the kid…
Cloud: I ate nobody.
Zack: OH! HA! I GET IT! SEVEN ATE NINE! AHAHAH! SEVEN "EIGHT" NINE! FUNNY!
Tseng: Poor kid.
The scene faded back to Aerith. She sighed, "Now…we FF7 people are in trouble…FF8 wants to EAT US!"
Zack, yelling from his fight—Kunsel gone but Zax still punching at his twin's nose—screamed, "Shit! We're all gonna die!!"
"Lovely irony, Zack, brilliant."
"Thank you."
Aerith's phone rang and she tried to stop eavesdropping on Zack and his brother.
"H-hello?"
"H-hello?" The voice responded.
Aerith blinked. The voice sounded just like her. "To whom am I speaking to?"
The voice giggled, "Aeris, silly!"
Aerith blinked again. "Aeris? Who's that?"
"Aeris! She's alive?! Lemmie talk to her!" Zax jumped up, snatched up the phone from Aerith.
"Hi Aeris! Hi!"
The scene faded back to a confused-looking Zack and Aerith.
Zack: Sooo, you have a twin too.
Aerith: I-I guess…
Zack: And my twin…
Aerith: Is dating your twin…
Aerith and Zack: ooooh…that's creepy.
Zack: Now onto questions! First question is…for Zax. Okay… can you eat ALL that gum from under the desk Sephiroth was hiding under?
Everyone looked at Zax having his conversation with the girl on the phone.
Zax: No, you hang up…no, you! ….No, Aeris, you hang up!
Zack: WILL SOMEBODY HANG UP ALREADY.
Zax: Have to go babe. No, you hang up! …Yes, fine, I'll be there at nine...
…
…
…
Zax: I-I…love you too…
…
…
Zax: I love you too… (Mumble) Lily cake.
Everyone paused for a minute. The entire studio began to laugh.
Everyone: WHAT?!
Zax: Screw you. Screw you all.
Zack: Just answer the question!
Zax: Fine. What is it?
Zack: Can you eat ALL that gum from under the desk Sephiroth was hiding under?
Zax: Hell yes!
Zax went under Sephiroth's desk and disappeared.
Sephiroth: That is just nasty. Next question.
Zack: For Angeal. Hey Angeal! Somebody asked you a question!
Angeal came out from back stage, holding his wing being careful not to knock out any video equipment. Unfortunately, he did anyway.
Zack: You... are the most unappreciated character EVER! (Not much as Kunsel... I love the guy! but his just a minor/info character D'X) unless of course... your paired with Genesis or Zack, The only straight you I've seen was you and Cissnei... your pretty unlucky.
Angeal: …That was a question?
Cissnei: That's gross! Angeal's like…forty! I am only…
Reno clapped his hands over Cissnei's mouth and dragged her away.
Zack: …Okay…next question…For Sephiroth: Are you a really proud Mothers boy? To CC to FFVII (end) what did you get your mother for Mother's day?
Everyone threw a strange look at Sephiroth. Everyone there knew this was a touchy subject…Everyone prepared for the bomb to drop…
Sephiroth:…A hat.
A little girl passed out in the audience.
Woman: He's so serious…!
Another woman: His mother, the woman he never knew existed was replaced with an alien!
Man: Who had her head chopped off in Crisis Core!
Girl: He got the alien head a hat!
Three fangirls: Sooooo sweet of him. (Swoon)
Cloud: Ohhoho…did I miss something here?
Zack: Just read the next question, I'm lazy.
Cloud: (looking at computer screen) Ah…let's see…for Jenova.
A loud crack of thunder boomed outside as the power flickered.
Aerith: That is mildly foreshowing of doom.
The power went off, making the set and stage a pitch black. A cold, ringing, voice echoed through the studio.
Jenova: …Y e s…?
Cloud cleared his throat as if nothing was really happening as Zack took safety under the desk his twin was enjoying his gum under.
Cloud: Oh yeah. Jenova, you have a fan. Here is your question. Jenova: You are so freakin' hot and awesome. If you could be paired with anyone, what would it be?
Jenova: …T h a t ...i s...e a s y. I... w o u l d... e n j o y... b e i n g... p a i r e d... w i t h... C i d... H i g h w i n d.
Everyone: …GROSS!!
Jenova: C a n ...y o u... n o t...s e e ...it?
The room began to dangerously shake.
Everyone: WE CAN SEE IT!! WE CAN SEE IT!!
Jenova: …G o o d.
The lights flickered back on and Zack came up from behind the desk. He had about six pieces of gum shoved in a matted mess of black hair.
Zack whispered to Zax, "I will get you."
Zax looked up with a real innocent look on his face, "I don't care. I'll be happy in the end."
Zack raised an eyebrow, "why is that?"
The twin gave a smug chuckle, "We won't look the same in the end" he sighed happily, "because you'll probably have to cut off all your pretty hair."
Zack ripped at the gum caught up in his hair defensively, "N-no I won't!"
No matter how much Zack protested, the "magic words" were already said, and Zack had to take off in a rush to escape from the entire studio of women waving scissors around like…something you wave around a lot. Including fangirls and girlfriend wannabes… Zack was chased down the street by the entire female cast (except Miss Cloud) and the entire audience.
Cloud: I…guess…we cut to commercial.
Miss Cloud: Ahaha! 'Cut'… Ha! I get it!
(Commercial!)
(Scene cuts to an empty spot were Tifa is supposed to be. Cloud inches in)
Cloud: Uh…hi…
Male audience: Hi.
Cloud: Okay…ever got caught in a bind with nothing but a fork?
Male audience: Heck yes!
Cloud: Well, your worries are now over! I am going to show you this brand new—and improved—invention created by Shinra scientists that you can own for three easy payments of 899 Gil! Yes, only 899 Gil! It's called "Spork." It is a newly developed technology that is a fork AND a spoon put together into one! Now, I know what you are thinking... "Will this work?"
Of course it works! "Spork" is easily used as a fork and a spoon all at the SAME TIME!
(The scene cuts to Vincent)
Vincent: …Do…you ever wish to have the comfort of home but in a compact version you can carry with you? Now you can. "Coffins" are the new and all the rage fashion of today's immortals. You can carry them everywhere. I am selling them cheap…so…get here quick. They come in traditional "wood" or the modern "funeral black." Do not waste time…they are going fast.
Cricket: …
Vincent: That good, huh?
Audience member: Oh yeah!
Barrett: What's our next question, foo'?
Cloud: For Rufus… Rufus: IS THE ONE AND ONLY HUMAN DOG! NOW BARK OR DIE!
Everyone turned to the man dressed in a white suit, taking his place from the light booth, sitting next to Zax at the desk, and folding his hands in his lap.
Rufus: Excuse me, but I do not take orders from fangirls…
He sipped at tea that somehow managed to appear in front of him.
Zax: How the hell did that get there?!
Rufus: I do not believe I answer questions from dimwits either…
Male audience: Ooooh…
Rufus: I shall take the liberty of reading the next question? For Zackary…(clears throat) Zack: What the hell is Sephiroth like when he's drunk?
At that moment Zack was bolting across the set, still yanking at the gum in his hair, a million fangirls had been picked up on the way…
Zack: (running and screaming) HE IS A ROMANTIC, VIOLENT DRUNK!! DON'T LET MEN NEAR HIM!! NEXT, QUESTION!!
Rufus: Okay…next question…For Cloud: You hang out with Aerith in Advent Children more than you do with Tifa. You're cheating, aren't you? YOU'RE CHEATING WITH A DEAD GIRL!
Cloud: Very good question. NEXT QUESTION!
Reno had managed to loose Cissnei in the millions of fangirls trying to catch Zack. He came onto the set.
Reno: Any for me?
Cloud: Uh…Yeah! For Reno: do you look like a girl if you keep your hair down?
Reno: (pulling at hair) Actually, I don't but I would prefer not to show…
Cissnei: (jumping out from nowhere) He's Axel! (Steals Reno's rubber band)
Ax—Reno: Dammit, get back here!
Cissnei: Not until you admit things…AXEL!
Ren—Axel: I am not Axel, get it memorized!
Cissnei: Not listening…Lalalalala!
Reno ran off stage, trying to catch Cissnei, who had disappeared back with the Zack fangirls—somebody brought a machete.
Zack (offstage): Weren't you girls taught to not to run with scissors?!
Cloud: Uh…next…question? For everyone, well isn't that kind of them? To everybody: Who is actually gay or dresses in Drag in your group? I'm betting my money on Reno...
The entire audience did not look at Reno, but at Cloud.
Cloud: Look, it happened ONE TIME! One, freaking, TIME!
Sephiroth: Actually…if you do not mind me telling…the one that is both…is in fact, Hojo.
Vincent: EW. EW. EW.
Cloud: Hey! That explains all those "love markings" you have, Vincent!
Zack: SHIT. I was in that man's labs for…four years…oh! I lost my innocence!!
Cloud: You lost your innocence when you were fifteen, Zack.
Zack: Well…it sounded appropriate to say…
Cloud: FANGIRLS!!
Zack: Crap!!
Thousands of fangirls piled on top of Zack…a chainsaw started up.
…
…
Zax: Oh, this is even funnier than trying to take his place…well, I shall wait for Aeris and we will take over the show when that happens… (Evil chuckle) Until then, I shall continue to make fun of this twin of mine…
Aerith: Oh! In addition, remember to keep the questions coming in! Without questions, there is no show! So remember this you guys! The funnier they are the better! Okay? Prepare for awesomeness! Plus, I have a feeling that Zack's going to be a tad bit…moody…next show…
Zack: Freedom!
Fangirls: NO!
Aerith: On second thought, he's loose…I must go chase him now. Until next show! Bye-bye!
Episode 4! Yay! You guys are really awesome with questions! Keep it up, guys! Keep sending them in! I couldn't help with the girls trying to cut Zack's hair...surprisingly, a lot of girls want to do that. So I added it! Haha!
I don't own Final Fantasy VII or the main characters. (even though sometimes it'd be awesome if I did) If I did own them...I'd steal the Buster Sword. If I didn't...I'd still steal the Buster Sword.