A/N: Hey, guess what guys, I'm actually still alive! Sorry for the crazy long wait, but I've been really busy with school (and also, just out of good ideas). Anyway, here is the newest (and longest) installment of It's A Boy! Enjoy.

xAtropos

Update: Sorry for posting this twice, but the original one had a bunch of mistakes in it.

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I walked swiftly down the sidewalk with unusual grace, reminding myself to stop moving so quickly so that I would not stand out in the crowd of humans around me. Since I had become a vampire, although I'd had no trouble resisting the urge to kill humans because of my preparations before being changed, I'd had a difficult time remembering to control my movements.

It was a little past seven, and I was strolling through Port Angeles on a search for a pair of silver earrings with blue gems.

Earlier in the afternoon, Alice and I had been sitting on her large, comfortable bed talking, with Swedish techno music playing in the background. We had been laughing at a corny joke she had told, when suddenly her body went stiff. Her eyes glazed over, and her gaze was hazy – I knew that she was staring off into the future. I waited patiently for her vision to finish. When she came back to the present, a strange smile spread across her face.

"What?" I asked. "What did you see?"

She was quiet for a moment, a half-second of hesitation, before answering, "You need to go to Port Angeles."

"Why?"

Her tone was cryptic when she replied. "I have seen in your future…" She paused for dramatic effect, "a very cute pair of earrings."

She grabbed my hand, pulling me from the bed as she ran to her closet and began throwing clothes at me. Within a minute, I was fully dressed and being dragged out to my car. Alice tossed me the keys to my vehicle before opening the door for me and shoving me inside.

"Alice, I don't even know what I'm looking for," I whined, my voice like ringing bells. She told me that I was looking for a pair of dangling, silver earrings with little blue gems twisted into the design. Then she slammed the car door in my face and danced back into the house.

Three hours later, and I was still weaving in and out of department stores looking for the stupid pair of earrings. They didn't seem to be anywhere. I was starting to wonder if she hadn't just sent me here as a way to get rid of me.

Thirty minutes later, when I was so frustrated I was thinking of killing everyone around me just to let out my anger, my cell phone vibrated in my pocket. I pulled it out, flicking it open with a bit too much force – my finger had left a slight dent in the cover.

"What do you want Alice?" I growled into the phone.

"I want you to come home," she said in her usual excited voice.

"I still haven't found your dumb earrings!" I shouted.

"Oh, I know. I bought that pair of earrings five years ago. I just needed you to get out of the house so I could set up your surprise!"

I snapped the phone shut, and then threw it with all my strength. It flipped through the air so quickly that a human wouldn't be able to tell what it was, before smashing on the pavement two blocks over.

I walked quickly to my car, my fingers aching to throw something. Or choke someone, I thought. I slammed my door and jammed the keys into the ignition. My body was stiff with anger the entire thirty minutes home. I sat straight up, back pressed into the seat, fingers leaving impressions on the steering wheel. I was trying very hard not to break anything in my car as I drove.

Finally, I pulled up to the Cullen mansion. I skidded into my usual parking spot in the driveway. I was out of the car and running toward the front door before the car had even come to a complete stop. I darted to the front door, throwing it open with unnecessary force.

"Mommy, you're home!" Renesmee squealed as she ran up to me for a hug. I nudged her with my foot to get her out of my way in my haste to get to Alice, sending her flying across the room into a wall. Oops.

"Aliiiiceeeee!" I screamed.

I could hear her talking quietly to Edward in our bedroom. I ran up the stairs to my room, moving so quickly that I would have seemed like a streak of color to human eyes.

I reached my bedroom door and burst into the room, fully ready to yell at Alice for the rest of eternity.

"Alice, what is your problem? Do you know how long I –" I froze in my tracks. My jaw dropped to the ground, sinking through the carpet and landing on Edward's piano on the first floor. My eyes felt like they were going to fall out of my head.

"What. Is. That?" I hissed in horror.

I stared at the stranger who was standing in my bedroom, looking him over from the floor up. He wore a pair of blue and white Air Force Ones on his feet. His jeans were three times his size and had a flashy gold design on them. They sat just below his butt, held there by a belt with a silver spinner on the buckle. About three or four inches of his boxers were sticking out of his pants. His black t-shirt had the face of a famous rapper airbrushed on it and was also so large it seemed to be eating him. His jacket was zipped halfway, and had a design from a popular Nickelodeon cartoon. He had three large chains around his neck and was wearing too many rings. His smile was a blinding row of metal; he was wearing grillz. There was an oversized diamond earring pierced through each lobe. I wondered how that was possible, before deciding that they must be clip-ons.

Finally, my eyes slid up to meet the golden gaze of my husband.

No, please no, I thought. This was not possible. But as I shifted my eyes up, and saw the bronze hair falling across his pale forehead, there was no denying it.

Alice had dressed Edward up… like a gansta.

"Yoooooooo, Iz!" Edward called, too loudly.

"What did you just call me?" I asked, still bewildered by what I was seeing.

"Iz, you know, like Isabella."

"Alice, what the hell did you do?" I yelled.

"She just made me fuckin' cool, mayne," Edward answered for her, drawing out the word man and making it seem like an entirely different word.

I continued to stare down at Alice, hoping to burn holes through her with the fury in my eyes. How could she do this to my sweet, old fashioned Edward?

"Umm… surprise?" she said, like she was questioning my reaction. "I thought you might want Edward to be a bit more… modern."

"Modern? This is your idea of modern?! What did you do to my Edward?"

"Yo, Iz, I go by Eddie now. Edward just ain't cool."

"Oh, would stop calling me Iz?" I shrieked. "Edward, you look absolutely ridiculous! And as for you, Alice, I can't believe you sent me running all over town for a pair of earrings so you could completely destroy my husband!"

I felt like kicking someone. I wondered where Renesmee was at the moment.

Edward sighed then, and removed the grill from his mouth.

"I'm sorry, darling," he said then. "I guess I do look rather atrocious. I just wanted to surprise you."

I felt guilty then, for ruining his surprise. "Well, Edward, you certainly surprised me," I responded. He continued to take off the ridiculous costume, removing the shoes and the jewelry. "I'm sorry I ruined your fun, though."

He unzipped the jacket and shrugged it off, and then pulled the oversized t-shirt over his head, exposing his perfect chest. "I apologize for giving you such a scare, love," he said formally, seeming upset by his actions.

"It's alright, Edward," I answered as he shifted his hips, letting the jeans fall around his ankles and stepping out of the hideous things.

"Please, for my sake, leave the boxers on, at least until I get out of the room," Alice said.

Edward nodded, waiting for her to leave. As soon as she left, he took those off, revealing a pair of navy blue boxer-briefs beneath. Then he changed into a pair of straight leg jeans and a gray sweater, which was snug and showed off his muscles.

"Let us go to our cabin now, love, and read the newspaper in bed and complete crossword puzzles together," he proposed.

"What a lovely idea!" I agreed before we ran, holding hands, towards our cabin.

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A/N: This chapter was based on a conversation I had with my fabulous friend Pam. I was talking about how sometimes Edward is so old-fashioned that he's kind of lame, and then I started thinking about how Edward would have become a bit more modern after living for so many years. The result was, of course, a parody.

Review and let me know what you think! I love hearing from all of you!

xAtropos