Title: Repentance
Author: Avarice ([email protected])
Rating: PG - slight Touma+Yuki
Disclaimer: Noone recognisable is owned by me, more's the pity.
Notes: Talking to people after I saw the 13th and final episode of the Gravitation series, I found a lot of people I know had cultivated a seething hatred for Touma for his actions, whereas they had only made him a more sympathetic character to me. This is my response to having heathly discussions with those that dislike him about the nature of his actions, and why he did what he did. This is his motivation in my eyes. Major spoilers for eps 11-13. Touma's POV.
********
To my recollection, I have never felt the need to sincerely apologise to anyone, ever.
In order to apologise, one must do something to warrant regret. Say a word, make a decision.
I have never made a rash decision in my life. One of what some might call my faults is that I think about everything too much. It is simply not in my nature to jump overboard. I take risks, but they are calculated risks. Pros and cons each weighed carefully... Sometimes I am so analytical I wonder if I am a machine...
And then I see you, Eiri...
I am not a machine, I am all too human.
And humans have faults and frailties. They are stupid and make mistakes.
To my mind, I have only ever made one mistake.
Two, actually.
New York... I am jolted awake some nights, eyes wide and sweat pooling at my temples in memory. Red stains and glistening amber eyes. A strangled yelp, the smell of gun powder.
The sound of his sobbing haunts me.
Whenever I wake up like this, I come to expect the warm hand on my arm. My abrupt waking usually rouses her. We share a bed out of little more than formality and habit.
She doesn't ask what I dream of on nights like this.
Mika-san is the only one who ever gets to even glimpse at the hot tears of frustration on my cheeks. They only ever come in the dark, on nights when I can still hear the ricochet of a pistol in my ears.
Usually I brush her off with little more than a smile that seems so contrived and a reassuring squeeze of her hand.
And sometimes... sometimes I let her gather me up in her arms, and I let go. Even if only for a little while.
That lonely grave in an American cemetery is a mark of my disgrace. I am inextricably linked to the death of my beloved one's innocence, and I can never forgive myself for my involvement.
Kitazawa stole his trust, and destroyed his spirit.
I am responsible for that.
Forgive me for failing you so terribly, Eiri-san.
I didn't want him to remember... remembering hurts him. Shindou-san was making him remember... things that we had both worked so hard to forget.
It was causing him pain, and pain is something I never want to bear witness to marking his features ever again, if I can prevent it.
When you bleed, I bleed, Eiri.
I can't stand his tears any more.
Jealousy is not a driving force, no matter how driven I might seem. I cannot deny I don't feel it, though. But in this case, I only wanted what was best for him...
I've only *ever* wanted what's best for him...
Maybe... maybe I was mistaken. It hardly matters now, though.
For the longest time I was the only one he ever allowed in; further than any sibling or friend.
Now I'm... not.
I thought I was above such pettiness, but now I know, and that knowledge kills me more than a gunshot ever could.
I live my second mistake every day.
I cannot let him go.
I am sorry, Eiri-san.
Please forgive me.
~finis
feedback
Damnation : Eternal Nightcap : Whee! I'm Naked! : Anti Nostalgic : Shibbalicious :