Firstly, I must apologize for the lateness of this chapter. The computer died. Yes, my husband who has a college certificate in computer programming and a university degree in computer science stated in his own technical terms that "the computer died". The useless hunk of silicon has spent the last week and a half in the computer hospital undergoing intensive surgery and having some organs replaced, but now it is finally up and running. That little hunk of silicon is also my only link to the net and the outside world, so YAAAAYYY!!! I'm back on-line!
Well, here's the last chapter, and about time too! My insane cackling is reeeaaaally starting to scare my husband. As for my muse, I set him free. He deserves some time off (don't worry - I implanted a radio transmitter in him so I can track him down in the future). Aaaaanywaaays, on with the insanity!!
* * *
In this scene, Scott, Hank, Wolverine and Jubilee are all out in the backyard. Wolverine and Jubes, as Shovel and Pail, are having an argument about their toy cars.
JUBILEE: My car is the fastest!
WOLVERINE: In yer dreams, kid!
CYCLOPS: Hi Shovel! Hi Pail! What are you doing?
WOLVERINE: Leaving.
STORM: Logan!
JUBILEE: We're playin' with cars, and we can't decide who's is the fastest!
CYCLOPS: Why don't you have a race?
JUBILEE (enthusiastically): What a great idea!
Logan snorts. Storm shushes him. In the meantime, nobody notices that Hank has been fiddling with the cars and has affixed little jet propulsion units on them.
JUBILEE: Let's set up the cars for the race! C'mon, Shovel!
WOLVERINE: Grrrrr.....
STORM: Scott!
Scott starts to shimmy a little.
WOLVERINE: Alright! Alright! Where do we set up the damn cars, kid?
CYCLOPS: How about over here?
WOLVERINE: I wasn't talkin' to YOU, bub.
JUBILEE: How about here?
They get the cars and starting line set up, and Scott stands in as the referee.
CYCLOPS: On your mark...get set....get reaaaally set....get really reeeaaallly set...
WOLVERINE: *snikt*
CYCLOPS: Go!!!
They start the cars. The jet engines ignite, and the cars take off and slam into Scott's ankles.
CYCLOPS: OOOOOOOWWWWWWWCCCHHH!!! #$#@@@#$$%%%&#@@@#!!!!!
WOLVERINE: Who won?
CYCLOPS: #$$#%%%#$@@@!!!
JUBILEE: I think it's a tie.
CYCLOPS: #$$%%@#@@@$#!!!
WOLVERINE: I hate ties. Let's try again.
JUBILEE: 'kay!
Scott blasts the cars before they can grab them.
WOLVERINE: Shit.
JUBILEE: Yeah! Now how are we supposed to find out which car's the fastest?
STORM: It does not matter. Let us move onto the next scene.
* * *
In this scene, Scott is looking for the third clue. As he is talking to Blue, a pawprint jumps onto his chest.
KIDS: A clue! A clue!!!
CYCLOPS: What? My shoe? There's nothing wrong with it...
KIDS: No, dipwad! THERE'S A CLUE!!!
CYCLOPS: Oh! A Clue! Where's the clue? I don't see the clue!
ICEMAN: That was perfect!
CYCLOPS: Where's the clue?
STORM: That is quite enough, Scott.
CYCLOPS: No, really! Where's the clue? I don't see it!
KIDS: AAAAAARRRGGHHH!!!
ICEMAN: Hmmm. I think I can see why the other director got so annoyed...
Hank picks Scott up by his shirt collar and carries him over to the mirror.
CYCLOPS: Er...thanks, Blue.
BEAST: woof.
Scott looks in the mirror and sees a pawprint.
CYCLOPS: Oh! The mirror is a clue!
Hank smacks himself in the forehead. There are echoing slaps as the kids do the same.
BEAST (whispering): Look down, you over-developed amoeboid!
Scott looks down and sees the pawprint on his chest.
CYCLOPS: Oh! I'M the clue!
KIDS: THAT'S what we've been trying to TELL you! SHEEESH!!
Scott ignores that remark.
CYCLOPS: Let's write this clue down in our 'handy-dandy' notebook!
KIDS: Why don't you try using your 'handy-dandy' brain instead?
CYCLOPS: Jeaa-aann! They're picking on me again!
JEAN: Just ignore them, Scott.
CYCLOPS (sulkily): 'kay.
Jean telekenetically helps Scott draw the clue down in the notebook, just so we don't end up with another roadkill picture.
CYCLOPS: Alright kids, that was our third clue!
KIDS: We're surprised you can count that high!
CYCLOPS (ignoring them cause his wife told him to): And what do we do when we have our third clue?
KIDS (sighing): You go to the thinking chair.
CYCLOPS: That's right! To the Blackbird! Er...I mean...to the thinking chair!
Scott goes to the living room and plops down on the thinking chair. Hank sits down beside it.
CYCLOPS: Okay. Now what does Blue want to do with a balloon, a party hat, and me?
KIDS: We knew the answer a long time ago, but we'll let you try and figure it out, okay? We think your brain could use the excercise.
CYCLOPS: Hmmmm....could she want me to put the party hat on the balloon and draw my face on it?
KIDS: Not even close.
CYCLOPS: Hmmmm....could she want ME to wear the party hat and cover myself with balloons?
KIDS: Let us guess. You got your brain at a yard sale, right?
ICEMAN (to Storm): Gee! Scott really learned his lines well, didn't he?
STORM: Actually Robert, none of this is in the script.
ICEMAN: You mean he's actually trying to figure this out on his own?
STORM: I'm afraid so.
ICEMAN: Oh, boy. Are you sure he and the real Steve aren't related?
STORM: It IS possible that they're related, somehow. After all, Summers DNA seems to be everywhere these days.
ICEMAN: Yeah. It's possible that even WE have Summers DNA.
Both Ororo and Bobby shudder at that thought.
CYCLOPS: Hmmm...could Blue want me to....
KIDS: BLUE WANTS YOU TO THROW A PARTY!!!
CYCLOPS: Really? I would never have guessed that!
KIDS: AAAAAARRRGGGH!!!
Scott turns to Hank.
CYCLOPS: Blue! Do you really want me to get some party hats and some balloons and throw a party?
BEAST: woof.
CYCLOPS (dancing): We just figured out Blue's Clues, we just figured out Blue's Clues, we just figured out Blue's Clues, cause we're really smart!
STORM: Er...Scott, it wasn't really necessary for you to dance this time.
CYCLOPS: But I'm starting to like it!
STORM: Well, please restrain yourself next time. Your dancing is making some of the people here ill.
CYCLOPS: Oh, okay.
Ten minutes passes.
CYCLOPS: Hey! Did you insult me?
STORM (sarcastically): No Scott, I did not insult you.
CYCLOPS: Oh, okay.
Another ten minutes passes...
CYCLOPS: Wait a minute...!
JEAN: SCOTT!!
CYCLOPS: What?!
STORM: Say 'Goodbye'!
CYCLOPS: Why?
STORM: Just say it!
CYCLOPS: Er...okay...goodbye.
STORM: WE'RE DONE!
CYCLOPS: We're done?
JEAN: YES!!! The show is over!!! The filming is over!!! We can go home now! YAAAAYYY!!!!
ALL THE X-MEN (except Cyclops): YAAAAAAAAAAYYYYY!!!!
JEAN: Er...why aren't you cheering, Scott?
CYCLOPS (nearly in tears): But...but...I was just starting to like it. You know, the dancing, the singing, the whole clue-finding bit.
ALL X-MEN: ........?
CYCLOPS (suddenly cheery): I know! I'll just do one more dance for old time's sake, okay?
ALL X-MEN (while running away): NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
CYCLOPS: Fine. I'll just dance by myself. (starts singing) Now it's time for so long....
The professor suddenly jerks awake in his hoverchair. He sees Scott dancing, and then sees the last of the X-Men as they rapidly exit the building.
CYCLOPS: ...but we'll sing one more song...
PROFESSOR: WAIT FOR MEEEEEEE!!!!!
All of a sudden, the real Blue appears on the set!
BLUE: Bow wow...(SPLAT!!)
PROFESSOR (scraping blue guts off his hoverchair): Finally got that damn dog!
CYCLOPS: ...and with me and you, and my dog Blue....
PROFESSOR: AAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!
As the professor escapes this inhumane torture, I whisk the readers away to the mansion to save them as well.
* * *
EPILOGUE
The people down at Nick Jr. had a DNA test done on some blood that they extracted from Steve's corpse, and it turns out that he was actually another of Scott's brothers. So Scott is going to quit the X-Men and join the Blue's Clues cast for an all-new season. That won't run till next fall, so in the meantime they're auditioning a bunch of cartoon characters for the new show. Mr. Ketchup and Mrs. Mustard have already got parts, and E-Mail the computer is going to replace Mailbox. As for Blue, they're planning on painting Magenta blue and letting her take over as the star of the show.
As for the X-men, Jean finally acknowledged Scott as the loser he really is, and is finally getting it on with Wolverine. Hank spent three days in the infirmary, recovering from a sugar hangover (a truckload of twinkies will do that to ya). Professor X had to have his hoverchair repainted since the blue stain would just not come off. As for the rest of the X-Men, they vowed never to speak of the Blue's Clues incident again.
THE END (thank goodness!)
Well, here's the last chapter, and about time too! My insane cackling is reeeaaaally starting to scare my husband. As for my muse, I set him free. He deserves some time off (don't worry - I implanted a radio transmitter in him so I can track him down in the future). Aaaaanywaaays, on with the insanity!!
* * *
In this scene, Scott, Hank, Wolverine and Jubilee are all out in the backyard. Wolverine and Jubes, as Shovel and Pail, are having an argument about their toy cars.
JUBILEE: My car is the fastest!
WOLVERINE: In yer dreams, kid!
CYCLOPS: Hi Shovel! Hi Pail! What are you doing?
WOLVERINE: Leaving.
STORM: Logan!
JUBILEE: We're playin' with cars, and we can't decide who's is the fastest!
CYCLOPS: Why don't you have a race?
JUBILEE (enthusiastically): What a great idea!
Logan snorts. Storm shushes him. In the meantime, nobody notices that Hank has been fiddling with the cars and has affixed little jet propulsion units on them.
JUBILEE: Let's set up the cars for the race! C'mon, Shovel!
WOLVERINE: Grrrrr.....
STORM: Scott!
Scott starts to shimmy a little.
WOLVERINE: Alright! Alright! Where do we set up the damn cars, kid?
CYCLOPS: How about over here?
WOLVERINE: I wasn't talkin' to YOU, bub.
JUBILEE: How about here?
They get the cars and starting line set up, and Scott stands in as the referee.
CYCLOPS: On your mark...get set....get reaaaally set....get really reeeaaallly set...
WOLVERINE: *snikt*
CYCLOPS: Go!!!
They start the cars. The jet engines ignite, and the cars take off and slam into Scott's ankles.
CYCLOPS: OOOOOOOWWWWWWWCCCHHH!!! #$#@@@#$$%%%&#@@@#!!!!!
WOLVERINE: Who won?
CYCLOPS: #$$#%%%#$@@@!!!
JUBILEE: I think it's a tie.
CYCLOPS: #$$%%@#@@@$#!!!
WOLVERINE: I hate ties. Let's try again.
JUBILEE: 'kay!
Scott blasts the cars before they can grab them.
WOLVERINE: Shit.
JUBILEE: Yeah! Now how are we supposed to find out which car's the fastest?
STORM: It does not matter. Let us move onto the next scene.
* * *
In this scene, Scott is looking for the third clue. As he is talking to Blue, a pawprint jumps onto his chest.
KIDS: A clue! A clue!!!
CYCLOPS: What? My shoe? There's nothing wrong with it...
KIDS: No, dipwad! THERE'S A CLUE!!!
CYCLOPS: Oh! A Clue! Where's the clue? I don't see the clue!
ICEMAN: That was perfect!
CYCLOPS: Where's the clue?
STORM: That is quite enough, Scott.
CYCLOPS: No, really! Where's the clue? I don't see it!
KIDS: AAAAAARRRGGHHH!!!
ICEMAN: Hmmm. I think I can see why the other director got so annoyed...
Hank picks Scott up by his shirt collar and carries him over to the mirror.
CYCLOPS: Er...thanks, Blue.
BEAST: woof.
Scott looks in the mirror and sees a pawprint.
CYCLOPS: Oh! The mirror is a clue!
Hank smacks himself in the forehead. There are echoing slaps as the kids do the same.
BEAST (whispering): Look down, you over-developed amoeboid!
Scott looks down and sees the pawprint on his chest.
CYCLOPS: Oh! I'M the clue!
KIDS: THAT'S what we've been trying to TELL you! SHEEESH!!
Scott ignores that remark.
CYCLOPS: Let's write this clue down in our 'handy-dandy' notebook!
KIDS: Why don't you try using your 'handy-dandy' brain instead?
CYCLOPS: Jeaa-aann! They're picking on me again!
JEAN: Just ignore them, Scott.
CYCLOPS (sulkily): 'kay.
Jean telekenetically helps Scott draw the clue down in the notebook, just so we don't end up with another roadkill picture.
CYCLOPS: Alright kids, that was our third clue!
KIDS: We're surprised you can count that high!
CYCLOPS (ignoring them cause his wife told him to): And what do we do when we have our third clue?
KIDS (sighing): You go to the thinking chair.
CYCLOPS: That's right! To the Blackbird! Er...I mean...to the thinking chair!
Scott goes to the living room and plops down on the thinking chair. Hank sits down beside it.
CYCLOPS: Okay. Now what does Blue want to do with a balloon, a party hat, and me?
KIDS: We knew the answer a long time ago, but we'll let you try and figure it out, okay? We think your brain could use the excercise.
CYCLOPS: Hmmmm....could she want me to put the party hat on the balloon and draw my face on it?
KIDS: Not even close.
CYCLOPS: Hmmmm....could she want ME to wear the party hat and cover myself with balloons?
KIDS: Let us guess. You got your brain at a yard sale, right?
ICEMAN (to Storm): Gee! Scott really learned his lines well, didn't he?
STORM: Actually Robert, none of this is in the script.
ICEMAN: You mean he's actually trying to figure this out on his own?
STORM: I'm afraid so.
ICEMAN: Oh, boy. Are you sure he and the real Steve aren't related?
STORM: It IS possible that they're related, somehow. After all, Summers DNA seems to be everywhere these days.
ICEMAN: Yeah. It's possible that even WE have Summers DNA.
Both Ororo and Bobby shudder at that thought.
CYCLOPS: Hmmm...could Blue want me to....
KIDS: BLUE WANTS YOU TO THROW A PARTY!!!
CYCLOPS: Really? I would never have guessed that!
KIDS: AAAAAARRRGGGH!!!
Scott turns to Hank.
CYCLOPS: Blue! Do you really want me to get some party hats and some balloons and throw a party?
BEAST: woof.
CYCLOPS (dancing): We just figured out Blue's Clues, we just figured out Blue's Clues, we just figured out Blue's Clues, cause we're really smart!
STORM: Er...Scott, it wasn't really necessary for you to dance this time.
CYCLOPS: But I'm starting to like it!
STORM: Well, please restrain yourself next time. Your dancing is making some of the people here ill.
CYCLOPS: Oh, okay.
Ten minutes passes.
CYCLOPS: Hey! Did you insult me?
STORM (sarcastically): No Scott, I did not insult you.
CYCLOPS: Oh, okay.
Another ten minutes passes...
CYCLOPS: Wait a minute...!
JEAN: SCOTT!!
CYCLOPS: What?!
STORM: Say 'Goodbye'!
CYCLOPS: Why?
STORM: Just say it!
CYCLOPS: Er...okay...goodbye.
STORM: WE'RE DONE!
CYCLOPS: We're done?
JEAN: YES!!! The show is over!!! The filming is over!!! We can go home now! YAAAAYYY!!!!
ALL THE X-MEN (except Cyclops): YAAAAAAAAAAYYYYY!!!!
JEAN: Er...why aren't you cheering, Scott?
CYCLOPS (nearly in tears): But...but...I was just starting to like it. You know, the dancing, the singing, the whole clue-finding bit.
ALL X-MEN: ........?
CYCLOPS (suddenly cheery): I know! I'll just do one more dance for old time's sake, okay?
ALL X-MEN (while running away): NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
CYCLOPS: Fine. I'll just dance by myself. (starts singing) Now it's time for so long....
The professor suddenly jerks awake in his hoverchair. He sees Scott dancing, and then sees the last of the X-Men as they rapidly exit the building.
CYCLOPS: ...but we'll sing one more song...
PROFESSOR: WAIT FOR MEEEEEEE!!!!!
All of a sudden, the real Blue appears on the set!
BLUE: Bow wow...(SPLAT!!)
PROFESSOR (scraping blue guts off his hoverchair): Finally got that damn dog!
CYCLOPS: ...and with me and you, and my dog Blue....
PROFESSOR: AAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!
As the professor escapes this inhumane torture, I whisk the readers away to the mansion to save them as well.
* * *
EPILOGUE
The people down at Nick Jr. had a DNA test done on some blood that they extracted from Steve's corpse, and it turns out that he was actually another of Scott's brothers. So Scott is going to quit the X-Men and join the Blue's Clues cast for an all-new season. That won't run till next fall, so in the meantime they're auditioning a bunch of cartoon characters for the new show. Mr. Ketchup and Mrs. Mustard have already got parts, and E-Mail the computer is going to replace Mailbox. As for Blue, they're planning on painting Magenta blue and letting her take over as the star of the show.
As for the X-men, Jean finally acknowledged Scott as the loser he really is, and is finally getting it on with Wolverine. Hank spent three days in the infirmary, recovering from a sugar hangover (a truckload of twinkies will do that to ya). Professor X had to have his hoverchair repainted since the blue stain would just not come off. As for the rest of the X-Men, they vowed never to speak of the Blue's Clues incident again.
THE END (thank goodness!)