Title: "Winter Smile"

Rating: PG

Genre: Romance, fluff, angst

Pairings: Arisato Minato x Mochizuki Ryoji

Warnings: Yaoi, SPOILERS

Summary: Ryoji knows he's responsible for all of Minato's pain, and it wreaks havoc on what little of a soul he has.

Assisting Song: "All I Need" by Within Temptation (Seriously, this is my MinaRyo/'intimate romance' theme song)

POV: Ryoji

Winter Smile

I sat silently, hugging my knees, in the darkness of the shadow of the tall buildings around me. The only thing keeping me company was the voices of normal people, which faded with the sunlight, and the groans of those victim of 'Apathy Syndrome', or the Lost Ones, as they should be known. As the sun began to set, a silence settled in, even amongst the Lost Ones. I tried not to think. I tried very hard to keep my mind off of anything, because anything would break my heart. Because it didn't matter what thought I started with - it always drew back to Minato. And I didn't want to think about him. It hurt to think about him.

I shifted my weight subconsciously, wincing as something jabbed me uncomfortably in my pocket. I pulled it from my pants, looking blankly at my cell phone. It was turned off. As soon as this registered, I became aware of how cold it was, and began shivering uncontrollably. I curled up more, and a thought struck my mind. I want to feel his warmth. I gasped, the train of thoughts rushing uncontrollably.

I wish he was here.

He probably hates me.

He's got to be terrified. Afraid. Afraid of me.

It's all my fault. I began to weep. It's all my fault. If he's afraid, it's because of me. If he's mad, it's because of me. The sobs wracked my chest, forcing me to uncurl from my position. I shakily got on my hands and knees, sobbing and crying. I thought I was going to throw up. I was shaking, shivering, crying, sobbing, wailing, and I couldn't stop. It escalated with my thoughts.

Minato is going to die, and it's because of me.

In his last moments, he'll be afraid. He'll be so scared.

And it will be my fault. He'll die.

No, he'll become a Lost One.

I'll never see him again. All because of what I am. It's all my fault.

Sure enough, the stress of sobbing so violently in the cold made me dry heave. I choked, trying to spit up what I could. Unable to throw up, focusing on the physical pain rather than the emotional, I calmed down, and recovered enough to curl back up in a shivering ball. It was so cold. It was dark, even with the lights in the streets... the christmas lights...

I glanced down at my phone a second time. I began crying again, but didn't sob. I want to see him, I thought, I want to be with him. I want him to make me smile. I want to see his beautiful face. Before I realized it, I had already turned on my phone and dialed Minato's number. I gripped the phone as it dawned on me. He won't smile for me. He won't comfort me. He won't be kind. He'll be afraid. I'm the one responsible for his fears.

"Ryoji?" Minato's soft voice ushered over the speaker, ripping a sob out of my chest. "Ryoji, is that you? What's wrong?"

"Mina...to..." I whimpered, "I'm so sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry... I'm... ungh..." I coughed, shaking even more.

"Ryoji, where are you?" Minato asked in a soft, but demanding voice, "Tell me. Please. Where are you?"

"Iwa..." I couldn't finish the word. I was reduced to sobs and wailing once more, hunched over, gripping my phone as if to break it. "I--I'm sorry, Minato, it... it... it's my f-fault, I'm so sorry--" when I looked at the phone, Minato had hung up. I snapped it shut, knowing better than to expect him to come. The feeling of hopelessness washing over me, lessening the despair, I calmed. Minato hates me. I'm not making him suffer. He'll have no trouble killing me. I don't want to see him upset. I don't want him to be miserable. I want to see his beautiful smile. I want him to be happy.

I remained there, shaking and weeping. I had never been so cold in my life. I had never felt so sick in my life. I stared at the starry sky, thoughtlessly. I merely took in the sight, focused intently on the stars. I forbade any other thought. Eventually, I fell asleep.

I woke with a start when I felt something warm on my face. My eyes flew open to meet Minato's worried face. I instantly began crying again, repeating 'I'm sorry' and 'it's my fault' endlessly between breaths. I could hear Minato's voice, but not what he was saying. My body was shaking too hard, and I was wailing too loud. My ears were too numb. My heart too broken. So when I felt Minato lift my head and kiss me tenderly, when I tasted the sweetness of egg nog in Minato's mouth, when I felt my tears slow and fade, when I felt my face warm up... I felt as if I had been shot. As if I was dying. It felt so good. Like I was fading away into nothingness - like all of me was disappearing. My eyes opened, as if on instinct, and were met with Minato's. Yet this time, they did not shed tears. "Mina...to..."

"Ryoji," he ushered, his beautiful voice crystal clear to me now, "Please don't cry. Please. It hurts to see you sad."

"It's my fau--"

"You shut your mouth," Minato insisted softly, pecking my lips gingerly. "It was already decided by Nyx. You didn't know. You haven't done anything wrong."

It hurt me to hear those words. How could I have done nothing wrong? When it all became clear to me, and when I revealed it to them... they all became scared. Junpei became enraged at me. Even Minato looked afraid. And yet here he was, insisting that I had done no wrong.

"Stop that," Minato said, drawing my attention, "I know what you're thinking. Stop that. You're not responsible. If you were, I wouldn't be here, Ryoji."

"Oh God, Minato," I bawled, trembling even more. Minato pulled me into a hug, and I couldn't bring myself to return it. Instead I remained there, crying into his collarbone. His warm, gentle hands stroked my hair, and his soothing voice shushed me. I was reluctant when Minato pulled me from my resting spot, but I looked at him quietly as he held my face at my level.

"Look at me, Ryoji," Minato said softly. I directed my eyes to meet his. "...All of that doesn't matter right now."

"What do you mean, it doesn't--"

"It doesn't matter," Minato interupted, "Not on Christmas. Christmas is for spending time with the one you love the most. ...That's why I'm here. Ryoji, I love you. I want happiness for you. At the very least, spend Christmas with me?"

"...Minato..." I ushered softly, gulping dryly. A beautiful, angelic smile was on his face. Without a thought, without a second of hesitation, my mouth twitched at the corners before pulling into a smile. I felt myself get lighter. That beautiful smile... "You're so... so handsome... your smile..."

"Yours, as well," Minato ushered back, pulling me to my feet. "You have the most heart-warming smile."

"O-oh, Minato..." I whimpered, starting to choke back tears again. Though instead of dread and nausia in my chest, I felt as if my rib cage was full of warm air, about to burst like a balloon. I threw my arms around Minato's neck and kissed him, letting my tears fall once more. "I... I love you!" I gasped, gripping the fabric of his coat and hugging as tightly as I could. "Your happiness... is the best present I could have ever gotten... oh, Minato..."

"Don't worry about it," Minato whispered to me in his beautiful, sublime voice. "Merry Christmas, Ryoji. I want this... to be the best day of our lives. No matter how long or short they may be."

"..." I started to say, when the time comes, please kill me, but I stopped. Instead, I looked into Minato's angelic face, at his warm smile, and forgot everything except one thing.

"...I love you, Minato."