"I spy with my little eye something beginning with T" I said.

"Darren, we are not playing that stupid and tedious game" complained Larten

"Aww, come one, it's a good one" I goaded him on

"Tree?"

"No!!"

"I give up" he huffed

"Tramp" I sniggered pointing in the way of Gavner.

"That's IT!" Gavner screamed. "I have had enough of this constant harassment!"

And with that, he ran off in tears to the unknown and hazardous woods of Vampire Mountain.

"Not the unknown and hazardous woods of Vampire Mountain!" Screamed Larten. But it was too late. Gavner was gone.

"He'll be back." I said, smugly. "And to pass the time until he returns, how about a quick game of Buckaroo?"

"I hate that game!"

"That's only because you can't read the instructions on how to play it"

"Darren, you have just gone too far, you are just a bully. And you know what they say about bullies!"

"They are just misunderstood?"

"No! No one likes a bully!" And with a huff and little shuffle, he too went into the woods.

"They'll be back." Came a voice.

"Ruart? Is it you? Oh old friend am I glad to see you."

"Yes, your bf is here to stay!"

And my heart danced as it always does when sexy Ruart comes to see me. We laughed and joked and drunk wine and made love. We watched the sun set and counted the stars. I felt my bf (best friend) was finally becoming my bf (boyfriend) and I couldn't have been happier.

"Ruart, will you be my bf?" I shyly asked.

"I am your best friend" he giggled, cupping my bottom.

"I meant will you be my boyfriend?"

"No"

"Oh"

"Well bye, thanks for the sex whore" he winked and ran off into the distance, his sexy bottom in my view.

"Oh." I said, looking round the empty camp. I was alone again.
"Gavner!" I screamed. "Please forgive me! I'm sorry." But there was no reply. I was so lonely and felt abandoned. And that's what made me do it. I reached for the Scotch… and drunk until the end of the night…

"Darren… Darren… DARREN!!" Screamed someone.

"Whad yoo whant?" I muffled

"Come on you lazy bottom, we need to be heading off now"

"I'll walk in the morning, go back to bed"

And with that I was whisked over Gavners shoulders and carried.

"Gavner you stink"

"FUCK OFF THEN" he started to cry.

"Gavner, calm down, pass the boy here, I will hold him for you"

"Whay dew we hath to go now?" I screamed.

"Darren, are you drunk?" Crepsley asked.

"Well duhhh!" I rolled my eyes.

"Darren, wake up!" I was being shaken.

"I dnt unger…sand… Is it tim for scewl?" I muttered.

"No, you freak"

"Who ARE yooo?" I pointed at a man. "And who AM I on?"
"You are indeed on me, Larten Crepsley and the man you are pointing at is poor old Gavner, the one you bully"

"MEEEE?!?! BULLY?!?! I do apologise!"

And it was at that fatal moment I made the decision to form a new year's resolution.

"I, Darren Shan, vow never to bully, torment, harass, hassle, intimidate or aggravate anyone ever again, by pain of death. If I ..."

"Darren, you do realise it is September?" Larten interrupted.

"Well excuse me for trying to do something for the good of this world you illiterate bafo..."

"Darren... your oath?"

"...Lovely man who I greatly admire and respect." I quickly covered. Wow I had no idea how smooth / sly I was!!!
"Since you have sobered up now, can you please disembark?"
"Me ii z well drunk innit!" The truth of the matter was I was actually incredibly lazy.

He threw me.

"Hey!! Why did you throw me?"
"Well the thing is, you would not have got me if I had not"

"You are so mean, after all I do for you, and you can't even carry your own assistant for a little while. I thought of you like a father and a saint even, but then you toss me a side like I'm worthless!! I see where this is going, I guess I should just go and kill myself since I know I'm not wanted!" I sobbed
"Darren!" he was shocked, my plan had worked. I Grinned. "Look, i never thought that you had that much respect for me. Go on then, but only for a little while"

"YAY!" I leapt on his back.