A/N: Well, when I started writing this, I thought that I was going to be writing a condensed version of Twilight. I'd forgotten I can't write a condensed anything to save my life. So now it's just a parody of the book, which I'll release 5 chapters at a time. I cut out a few little scenes so it ran smother, so just bear with me! I really hope you enjoyed it!
PREFACE
Bella: Okay, so, I'm about to die. And I'm really not looking forward to it. I mean, there's this crazy guy who probably wants to eat my face off, and he's standing right in front of me! I know, scary, huh? The chances are that said crazy guy wouldn't be hunting me down if I didn't have an incredibly hot vampire boyfriend. But, he's incredibly hot, so I think it's worth it. Uh...I mean, I love him, and stuff.
I have the feeling you're not following too well, how about I take you back to the start?
SEVERAL MONTHS EARLIER
Renee: (on the phone) No, you hang up! No you!
Bella: Mom?
Renee: You hang up! I hung up last time!
Bella: Mom!
Renee: Oh, Phil, stop!
Bella: MOM! HANG UP THE DARN PHONE!
(Renee puts the phone down)
Renee: Sheesh, Bella, calm down. Did you wanna say something?
Bella: Yes. Even though I truly hate the rainy, boring, small town where Dad lives and know I'll be utterly miserable there, I've decided to move there to give you time with your new, baseball-playing husband.
Renee: That's very sweet of you, Bella, but you shouldn't have to go to that miserable pit of a town where nothing exciting ever happens.
Bella: (whining) But...I'm almost an adult – I get to make my own decisions! To the airport!
Renee: But –
Bella: AIRPORT!
Renee: (backing away) Okay, okay, I'll let you go...geez.
(Bella and Renee drive to the airport, where Bella bids her mother farewell, knowing she is about to embark on a terribly unexciting journey. Upon arrival in rainy Forks, WA, she is greeted by her father, Charlie)
Charlie: Hey Bells! It's so greet that you're moving in – now you can cook, clean and do my laundry while I watch baseball!
Bella: I miss Phoenix.
Charlie: Oh, by the way, I randomly got you a truck! It's horribly old and slow – just like everything in Forks.
Bella: A TRUCK!? YAY! (Bella runs to hug her "new" motor vehicle)
Charlie: Well, I think I'll go fishing and gossip with Billy Black...uh, you have fun.
Bella: (kissing the truck) You're the best truck in the whole world! I think I'm in love!
Random Twilight fan: (appearing magically) No you're not, that doesn't happen till later!
(Random fan disappears)
Bella: Weird.
THE NEXT DAY – BELLA'S FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL
Jessica: Ohmigosh, like, hi! You must totally, like, be Isabella! Everyone's, like, been waiting for you to, like, show up! My name is, like, Jessica by the way! You're, like, in my Spanish class! We're totally, like, going to be bestest, like, friends! Like, you are so much, like, cooler than Lauren! So do you, like, like Forks High?
(Bella ignores Jessica's constant babbling. A group of people catch her eye)
Bella: Whoa, those people are pretty!
Jessica: Oh, like, the Cullens? They're, like, this weird, like, adopted family with, like, really, like, mysterious origins. And they all, like, date each other. Isn't that, like, gross? Well, except for, like, Edward. (Jessica sighs dreamily) He's, like, totally smokin'! But, like, he'd never look, like, your way – even if you are, like, really pretty and smell, like, real nice. But we all, like, know that Edward's in love with, like, me. Right, Angela?
Angela: (sighing) Whatever you say, Jessica.
Bella: Oh-kay. I think I'll leave...now.
(As Bella leaves the cafeteria, she is followed by a boy who resembles a golden retriever)
Mike: (proudly) Hey, I'm Mike. You've probably heard of me.
Bella: Actually, no, I haven't.
Mike: Oh. Well, anyway, I've decided to follow you everywhere and be completely obsessive about you for the next few weeks , 'cause, compared to Jessica, you're hot.
(Eric runs up behind them)
Eric: (panting) And I'm Eric! Wazzup?
Bella: I really miss Phoenix.
(Bella, along with her two new stalkers, makes her way to Biology class. Upon entering the room, she trips and lands on the floor)
Bella: Forks sucks.
Mr. Banner: Hey Bella, why don't you conveniently sit beside that super hot, intelligent vampi – uh – human?(conspiratorial wink)
Bella: Okay. (she sits beside Edward) Hi, I'm Bella. I'm really clumsy and boring.
Edward: (death glare)
Bella: (turns away from him) What is his problem?
Edward: She smells really good. I kind of want to eat her right now...but I'll refrain and spend the next few months in pure agony. Well, I guess I'll go visit my hot vampire girlfriend in Alaska.
Bella: What was that?
Edward: Uh...nothing. (he disappears)
Bella: Is there no one normal here?
(Mike swaggers over to Bella)
Mike: Hey Bella, let me walk you home – I know the way, and we can get in using the spare key under the eave, right?
Bella: No, I guess it's just weirdoes here.
A WEEK LATER, BACK IN BIOLOGY CLASS
Edward: Hello, I'm Edward, and I've made a miraculous turn around and have decided to be nice to you.
Bella: Oh. I suppose that makes sense. Hey, what's wrong with your eyes?
Edward: Uh...puberty?
Bella: (suspiciously) Hmm...
Mr. Banner: I've decided that you kids are the smartest people in class! You win a special prize!
Bella: (distracted) Yay! A special prize!
Edward: Wow, humans really are dumb.
Bella: What did you say?
Edward: Uh...nothing.
Bella: Oh, okay!
A FEW DAYS LATER AND IT'S AN ICY MORNING IN FORKS
Tyler: Ice sure is slippery! Hmm, I wonder what would happen if I just drive over it really fast...
(Tyler accelerates, and as he hits a big patch of ice, his van turns evil and decides to kill an unsuspecting human)
Evil Van: (skids out of control and speeds towards Bella)
Bella: I'm so clumsy and unsuspecting that if a van started speeding towards me I probably wouldn't notice. (she turns around and sees the van) AHH! Won't somebody save me from my impending doom?
Edward: (a light bulb appears over his head) I know! I'll save her without thinking of what the consequences will be, and who knows, maybe we'll even end up in love!
(Edward runs over and catches Bella as she hits the ice)
Bella: Cedric Diggory?!
Edward: Actually, it's Edward Cullen. (he stops the van from crushing them using one hand)
Bella: Oh. Wait a second...DID YOU JUST STOP THAT VAN FROM KILLING US WITH YOUR HAND!?
Edward: Maybe... Oh, would you look at that, you're unconscious!
Bella: I'm not uncon –
(Edward taps her head lightly and Bella loses consciousness)
Edward: Told you.
A FEW WEEKS LATER, BACK IN BIOLOGY
Mike: Bella, do you have something you wanna ask me?
Bella: Nope, don't think so.
Mike: You sure?
Bella: Uh huh.
Mike: But...but...when are you going to ask me to the spring dance? (he glares at a laughing Cedr – uh – Edward)
Bella: How about half past never? Everyone knows I can't da – uh, I'm going to Seattle.
(Mike runs away crying)
Edward: That wasn't very nice.
Bella: You're talking to me again?
Edward: So it would seem. Would you like me to go with you to Seattle?
Bella: Score!
Edward: Pardon me?
Bella: Ahem...snore...Biology sure is boring.
Edward: Um, sure.
AFTER BIOLOGY
Eric: Yo Bells! What's the haps?
Bella: Um...thank you?
Eric: So, me being super cool an' all...d'you wanna go to the dance with me?
Bella: No. Why can't you all leave me alone?
(Bella walks away)
Eric: Oh, I'm so lonely! I think I'll go write about this in my diary...
AT THE END OF SCHOOL
Tyler: Hey Bella! (he waves his arms over his head)
Bella: This is it. This is how I'm gonna die.
Tyler: So, even though I almost ran over you in my evil van, would you like to invite me to the dance?
Bella: FOR PETE'S SAKE, NO! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ALL OF YOU? I. CANNOT. DANCE. ALL RIGHT??
Tyler: Oh. Well, I guess I have to wait till prom.
Bella: But I just said...never mind. I do not like Forks.
THE NEXT DAY
Bella: Edward isn't in school today; I'm so depressed, even though I've only talked to him, like, three times.
Jessica: Ohmigosh, like, Bella! Edward, like, Cullen is, like, sitting on his, like, own! And now he's, like, beckoning, like, to you! But why would he, like, want you to, like, sit with him?
(Bella ignores her and rushes over to Edward's table, only tripping twice in the process)
Edward: Even though I view this as a huge mistake and I'm an evil monster you should stay away from, I'd like to eat lunch with you.
Bella: Hello to you too.
(Edward begins randomly playing with Bella's soda bottle)
Bella: So, do you have some kind of super powers since you stopped me getting crushed by Tyler's van?
Edward: Do you think I'm a superhero?
Bella: No... I'VE GOT IT! YOU'RE A WIZARD, AREN'T YOU?
Edward: Not even close.
Bella: Darn.
(Edward leans in conspiratorially)
Edward: I'm not supposed to say this, but I'm dangerous. You should probably stay away from me, because I could suck your – uh, I mean, you might get hurt.
Bella: (laughing) Hah, good joke Edward! Next thing you're going to tell me is that you can read minds! (Bella erupts into another fit of giggles)
Edward: What depresses me is that you're smart for a human.
(The bell rings and Bella jumps up, still laughing)
Bella: Come on, we'll be late for class.
Edward: I'm ditching class to fight crime with my magic powers.
Bella: (gobsmacked) REALLY?!
Edward: That was a joke.
Bella: Right. Well, I'm going to go to class – what could possibly go wrong?
TWENTY MINUTES LATER
Mike: (dragging Bella along) I can't believe you fainted after you saw one drop of blood.
Bella: Shut up, Mike. (she puts a hand over her throat) Ugh. I think I'm gonna throw up.
Mike: What!?
(Mike, alarmed, lets go of Bella and she topples over onto the ground. She doesn't get up again)
Edward: (running over) Are you trying to kill her?
Mike: Psh, no! I just didn't want to get vomit on my new shoes – they're Converse.
(Edward stares at him in disbelief before picking Bella up and walking away)
Bella: (looking up, bewildered) Cedr –
Edward: For the last time, my name is Edward.
Bella: Riiight.
(Just as they reach Edward's Volvo, stalker-boy Mike runs up behind them)
Mike: (breathlessly) Bella...come…to…beach…party…La Push…this…weekend…?
Bella: Um, okay, I guess.
Mike: that's…great! See…you…Saturday…eleven…am…
(Mike stumbles away and Edward and Bella climb into the Volvo)
Bella: That kid is weird.
Edward: You should've seen what he was thinking.
Bella: Wait, you actually can read minds?
Edward: Knew we'd get there in the end.
Bella: Are you sure you're not a superhero?
Edward: Very.
Bella: Humph.
(Bella looks up and realizes she is already at her house)
Bella: Wait, how'd we get here so fast?!
Edward: I drove you.
Bella: Oh yeahhh. Well, see you!
(Bella trips as she climbs out of the car and hits her head on the asphalt. Edward rests his head on the steering wheel, exasperated)
A/N: Well, what did you think? Please let me know! I haven't written a parody/Twilight fanfic before, so don't be too hard on me! Virtual cookies to those who review!
-Ellie :D