A/N: Hello? Anyone I know still out there? I'm really sorry! I realize it's been forever since I last posted. I literally had to read the whole story to get this chapter written. I hope you enjoy it. It doesn't progress the story as much as I would have liked, but at least we are heading in the right direction. I am determined to get to the finish line! It's the tortoise that wins the race, right?

Verbose Voyeurs

Crack! With weapons drawn, the twins popped into a small clearing, near the outskirts of the parlor jungle, effectively cutting off the path to the kitchen door. Expecting to catch Hermione and Malfoy unawares and ambush the hell out of them, the twins were disappointed when their victims were nowhere to be found.

"You always were crap at location spells," Fred muttered, putting down his weapon in defeat.

"There was nothing wrong with that spell," insisted George, continuing to point his high-powered paint gun in all directions. "They're here. I know it."

"If they're here, why haven't they fired at us already? Malfoy may be a cowardly little shit, but Hermione is Gryffindor through and through. If I know Hermione, and I think I know Hermione," said Fred, giving his brother a wink, "she would already have some kind of over-complicated plan of attack and would be bossing Malfoy around in that cute, little know-it-all way of hers."

"You're right," admitted George, his lips starting to curve up into a smile. "She would do that. Unless..."

"Unless what?"

"Unless she was a little tied up at the moment." George grinned and nodded his head at the camouflaged tangle of vines and limbs just off to their left.

Hermione and Malfoy were too wrapped up in vines and each other to even notice the twins, much less put up a fight. And any kind of real battle was out of the question as the two former enemies were already engaged in their own dueling activities. With their tongues.

"Lucky I'm over her," declared Fred, unable to take his eyes off of the amorous couple. "Otherwise, I might be green with envy right now."

"I've got news for you." George smirked. "You are green with envy. According to your mood lipstick anyway."

Fred rubbed angrily at his lips. "Fine. I'm a little envious, but who wouldn't want to be in that position? Or that one," said Fred, turning his head at an angle as he watched the twisting, writhing couple in front of him.

"Well, I suppose we'll have to give this one to Malfoy," George grudgingly admitted, conjuring a bowl of popcorn and shoving a handful into his mouth. "On the bright side, the Devil's Sex Snare seems to be a big hit. Perhaps we should get a picture for the advert."

"Already on it," replied Fred, snapping a picture of the snogging couple.

"Make sure you get some extra copies for... just in case."

"I always do, don't I?" answered Fred, taking a picture out of his pocket just as Ron, Harry and Ginny suddenly stumbled into the clearing.

"Bloody hell," said Ron, walking up to Fred and snatching the picture out of his hands. "Is that Hermione naked with an owl?"

"Twenty Galleons," replied Fred immediately, holding out his hand. "And because your my brother, I'll throw in a nice gilded frame for free."

"Hey, Harry, can I–"

"No," replied Harry, cutting him off.

Ron turned his eyes to Ginny none too hopefully.

"Get a fucking girlfriend," was Ginny's unsympathetic reply.

Reluctantly, Ron handed the picture back to Fred.

"Don't worry, bro," said George, his mouth full of popcorn. "There's free wanking material right in front of you."

"Bloody hell," said Ron again, finally noticing Hermione and Malfoy, who were half covered in vines. "Is that a new bondage product?"

"Yep," said Fred proudly. "Devil's Sex Snare. What do you think?"

"It's bloody brilliant," said Ron, grabbing a big handful of popcorn, his eyes glued to the ensnared couple. "Boody briffrant."

"You're disgusting," said Ginny, pushing Ron out of the way and helping herself to some popcorn. "Can't you see they're having a private moment here?"

"Well, if it's such a private moment, they shouldn't be having it in the middle of the parlor then, should they? This is the parlor, isn't it?" asked Ron, looking a little uncertainly at the jungle surroundings.

"They can't help themselves," insisted Ginny. "They're in love."

"Lurf," replied Ron, Harry and the twins at the same time.

"Whatever," said Ginny, rolling her eyes, "the point is, Ron's a pervert. They deserve some privacy."

Ron gave his little sister a superior look. "You're too naive to understand this kind of thing, but some people like being watched. They actually get off on it. Who are we to judge?" Almost in the same breath, he added, "Merlin, he sure is taking a bloody long time to get to it, isn't he?"

"He's been playing with that ribbon on her knickers for ages now," said George. "Too much of a pussy to actually pull on it and get some actual pussy."

"Sex god, my ass," Fred muttered bitterly.

"He's being romantic," Ginny said, glaring at her brothers. "Something you three goons wouldn't know anything about. You think it's romantic, don't you, Harry?" She looked at him shyly through lowered lashes.

"Er... oh, popcorn," replied Harry, quickly grabbing a handful and shoving it in his mouth to avoid any other uncomfortable questions.

Ginny scowled and shoved her own handful of popcorn into her mouth.

Aside from the occasional snarky comment and smacking of food (Ron), they watched the writhing, undulating tangle of vines and limbs in relative silence until Hermione and Malfoy suddenly changed positions and gave their audience and unexpected change of scenery.

"Bloody hell!" exclaimed Ron, spitting popcorn out of his mouth. "What the hell happened to Malfoy's trousers?"

"Um, I might have accidentally hit him with the vanishing spray," Fred admitted sheepishly.

"Geez, Fred. You trying to blind us?" asked George, rubbing his eyes exaggeratedly at the sight of the two perfectly round, cheek-sized holes in the back of Malfoy's trousers.

"I was aiming for Hermione," Fred said, defending himself. "It's not my fault, she pulled him in front of her when she Apparated."

"Ugh, and here I thought I'd seen the last of that pasty ass," grumbled Ginny.

"You've seen it before?" Harry couldn't help asking in an accusing tone.

"You know I have," said Ginny indignantly. "You caught us naked in the hall together last night after we gave Fed and George the makeover."

"You were there?" Harry asked incredulously.

Ginny glared.

Harry looked to Ron. "Did you know she was there?"

"Dude, Hermione was naked. I didn't even know Malfoy was there."

"I wasn't there when Ron was there. I was... Oh, never mind!" Ginny huffed in annoyance.

"Ugh, enough already," groaned George.

"He started it," grumbled Ginny, glaring over at Harry, who seemed to have found something extremely interesting on his shoes.

"No. I mean enough with the kissing already," clarified George, nodding his head at Hermione and Malfoy. "He's kissed her mouth, her neck, her cleavage, her mouth again. Bor-ing. We need some more action and soon or this product is going to be a flop."

"Perhaps, we could add some kind of charm," said Fred thoughtfully.

"Oh, look!" exclaimed Ginny excitedly. "His hand is moving under her blouse. He's playing with her nipples now. That's sexy."

"It would be sexier if we could actually see what's going on," Ron whined. "Maybe you could add a heating charm, so they have to take off their clothes."

George whipped out a notebook and started writing.

"Or," said Fred, "we could just put in an automatic clothing removal charm. That should do the trick."

"That's why we say you're the clever one in the family. After me, of course," quipped George, scratching out what he had just written and writing down Fred's idea instead.

"Hey!" exclaimed Ron indignantly. "I was the one who thought of taking off their clothes."

"Pervert," said Ginny again.

Ron responded by throwing a handful of popcorn at her.

"I dare you to try that again," growled Ginny, angrily shaking the popcorn out of her hair.

Giving her a smug look, Ron reached his hand into the bowl again. However, as soon as he tried to grab a handful, his fingers started quivering violently. Unable to control himself, he ended up dumping over the whole bowl.

"Hey! That was my popcorn you just dumped," said George, giving Ron an annoyed look.

"It was her fault," protested Ron, pointing a shaking finger at Ginny accusingly. "She put a Jelly-Fingers Curse on me."

"I would have gone with a Jelly-Brain Curse but no one would have been able to tell the difference," quipped Ginny.

"Oh, ha ha," replied Ron, not at all amused. "Well, maybe I should go with the Leg-Locker Curse on you. I guarantee EVERYONE would know the difference."

"I am still a virgin!" Ginny shouted angrily.

"If you haven't lost it yet, it's not for lack of trying, now is it?" retorted Ron.

"You bloody bastard. Are you looking for a duel?"

"Maybe I am, but don't think I'll go easy on you just because you're my sister."

"Well, don't think I'll go easy on you just because you're a MORON."

"That's it," fumed Ron, raising his wand. "I've had enough with the stupid comments."

"What's the problem? Too dumb to understand them?" taunted Ginny.

"Good one." Fred laughed.

"You want to duel, too, Fred?" asked Ron, glaring at him.

"I'm not Fred; I'm George. You can get even with me later... while I'm sleeping," Fred added in a loud whisper.

"George usually sleeps in my bed though, so you can get even with him there," said George, thinking himself clever. Then noticing their stares, he said, "What? We're twins. That's not weird."

"Everything about you two is weird," Ginny retorted. "Now, get out of the way, there are going to be bogies flying soon."

"The Bat Bogey Hex?" Ron snorted. "Can you get any more obvious?"

"If I really wanted to be obvious, I would go with Stupify – stupid."

Ron glared. "You know what Mum always says. If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all," he replied, hitting his sister with a Silencing Charm.

Ginny's mouth angrily flapped up and down, spewing out a myriad of silent curse words at Ron until she finally got fed up and sent a nonverbal Hurling Hex his way. Ron flew backwards into the Devil's Sex Snare and soon found himself in a very compromising position with Hermione and Malfoy.

"Ron!" Hermione exclaimed, shocked by the sudden intrusion. "What are you doing here?"

"I think the question is, what are you doing here? And with Malfoy," said Ron in an accusing tone.

Hermione glared. "I think I could take that question more seriously if your hand wasn't currently on my breast."

"It's not my fault," Ron protested. "It's the Devil's Sex Snare."

"Devil's Sex Snare?" said Hermione, her eyebrow arched. "Figures. And I suppose the Devil's Sex Snare is making you squeeze my breast, too?"

"Oh, er..." stammered Ron, turning a bright shade of red.

"Move it. Now," ordered Hermione.

Ron adjusted himself and awkwardly found himself face to face with a scowling Malfoy.

"Your hand is on my ass," Malfoy seethed.

Embarrassed, Ron started getting defensive. "Well, your hand is on my–"

"Don't even say it," Malfoy snapped. "And if you even start grinding against my hand, even a little bit, I swear I will..."

"So, you think now would be a good time to add that clothing removal charm?" asked George mischievously.

Fred started laughing. "It would probably be the last thing we ever do but totally worth it. What do you say, Gin?"

Ginny smirked her silent approval, but Harry shook his head.

"Get them out of there. We have work to do," said Harry.

"You're no fun," pouted George. "All work and no play makes Harry a very dull boy."

"Yeah," agreed Fred. "When are you going to be The Boy Who Lived a Little?"

"After Voldemort is gone," said Harry firmly and then giving Ginny a sideways glance added, "I promise. But I need Hermione and Malfoy's help to get rid of him first."

Ginny immediately turned her wand on her brothers. Suddenly, getting rid of that snake-faced bastard Voldemort was all that mattered to her anymore. Well, that and getting in Harry's pants.

The twins looked at each other and shrugged in defeat. It was no use fighting a woman on a mission. In unison, they cast a spell and almost immediately the jungle disappeared and the parlor returned to normal. With the Devil's Sex Snare suddenly gone, Hermione, Ron and Malfoy fell to the floor in a heap. Scrambling to their feet, Ron and Malfoy couldn't get away from each other fast enough. Ron was so horrified by the experience that he Scourgified his hands. Twice.

Looking over his shoulder, Malfoy checked out the back of his trousers and then turned a shrewd gaze on Hermione. "You weren't going to tell me about this, were you?"

"I didn't notice," she lied, not bothering to look him in the eye.

"Really?" said Malfoy skeptically, turning around for her to see the back of his trousers. "You didn't see this?"

"Uh.. no, I,um.. didn't," Hermione stammered, staring at the two perfect round holes in his trousers.

"Well, now that you do, are you going to do something about it?" asked Malfoy pointedly.

"Uh, sure," said Hermione absentmindedly, still transfixed on his backside.

"Well?" said Malfoy, waiting.

"Oh, bloody hell," muttered Ron exasperatedly. Pushing her out of the way, he aimed his wand at Malfoy's trousers and said, "Reparo."

"That better be the last thing you ever do to my ass," Malfoy warned, checking out Ron's spell work with a critical eye.

Ron scowled at him and cast another Scourgify on his hands. "Believe me, that will be the last thing I do for you period."

"It's such a curse having a nice ass, even Weasels want to molest you," Malfoy sneered, giving Ron a disgusted look. Glancing over at Ginny, he added, "Don't get any ideas, Weaselette."

Ginny scowled but didn't say a word.

"It was an accident!" Ron exploded. "A horrible, disgusting, revolting, never going to happen again accident! And you molested me. Your hand was on my... my... well, you know!"

"I unfortunately do know and therefore I also know that you didn't find my ass as horrible, disgusting and revolting as you claim. Not that I blame you really, it is an exceptionally fine piece of ass, but I don't swing that way. I'm not into Weasels."

Ron turned a bright shade of red. "That had nothing to do with you!" he sputtered in embarrassment. "It was because of Hermione. Her breasts were pushed up against me and–"

Malfoy snorted. "Unlikely, I mean, her breasts are alright, but definitely not in the same league as my ass. But if it makes you feel better to tell yourself that then go right ahead. It's not like I don't want to forget the whole sordid affair. I'd ask you to Obliviate me, but with your shoddy spell work, I'd probably just end up puking slugs."

Ron pointed his wand angrily at Malfoy, but Hermione stepped between them.

"Would you two stop being so immature? There is a war going on. This is not the time for your stupid, childish nonsense."

"You're one to talk," said Ron. "What about all this nonsense going on between you and Malfoy?"

"It's complicated," began Hermione.

"You're wearing a slutty school girl outfit," said Ron. "I think I can figure out what's going on here."

"I doubt it," mumbled Malfoy.

"That's it!" snapped Ron, pointing his wand at Malfoy. "I have had enough with everyone thinking I'm stupid. Why don't we find out just how stupid I am and see if my Transfiguration skills are up to snuff? You enjoyed your time as a ferret, right?"

Malfoy noticeably twitched and not too subtly scampered behind Hermione.

Hermione held up her hands in a placating manner. "No one thinks you're stupid, Ron." She shut up the rumblings of dissent around her with a sharp glare and added, "And we're sorry if our words or actions have caused you to think that we feel that way about you. I mean, sure you say stupid things, but that doesn't mean you're stupid. You're just insensitive and often speak without thinking. And yes, maybe you could be doing better in school, but that's more due to lack of preparation and poor study skills than complete ineptness. And you can definitely be pretty oblivious at times, but–"

"Why are you wearing a crown?" asked Ron suddenly.

"Oh, you mean this?" asked Hermione, her hand wandering up to touch the diadem on her head. "This isn't a crown."

"What is it then?"

"It's a diadem."

"What's a diadem?"

"A crown," Hermione grudgingly admitted.

"Why don't you tell them what it really is?" Malfoy interjected.

"Because now isn't the right time," answered Hermione through gritted teeth, glaring at him.

"Right," said Malfoy, "because now is never the right time, is it?"

The two stood there glaring at one another before Harry finally interrupted.

"What is going on here? Did you two get married?"

"What!" gasped Hermione in shock.

"No!" exclaimed Draco defiantly, earning himself another glare from Hermione.

Turning back to Harry, she asked, "Why would you think we're married?"

"Well," began Harry uncomfortably, "you've been secretly living together and–"

"The reason we are living together is because I'm his babysitter," Hermione interrupted.

Ron snorted. "Is that why you were snogging him too? Because you're his babysitter," he sneered.

"I was snogging him for the same reason you were squeezing my breast and fondling Malfoy's ass. It was because of the Devil's Sex Snare!" exclaimed Hermione heatedly.

"Oh, cut the crap, Hermione. We know you two were snogging because you lurf each other. Although my actions were an unfortunate result of the Devil's Sex Snare," Ron was careful to add.

Malfoy rolled his eyes.

"The point is," Ron continued. "Malfoy is in lurf with you, and for some illogical reason that cannot be explained, you are in lurf with Malfoy."

"I never even said I lurfed Malfoy," Hermione huffed exasperatedly.

"You don't have to say it. It's obvious to everyone but you apparently."

"You don't even know what lurf means, Ronald Weasley," Hermione seethed.

"Yes, I do. I just happen to speak that language fluently," said Ron with a superior tone to his voice.

"You're fluent in the language of lurf?" Hermione scoffed.

"No. I'm fluent in the language of speaking with my mouth full. Just after you left the table, I said that I lurfed sausages."

"So, you're equating your feelings for sausages to our feelings for each other?" said Hermione, pointing to herself and Malfoy.

"Exactly."

Hermione scowled. "Like I've said before, YOU have the emotional range of a TEASPOON!"

"Well, I can't speak for Weasel here," said Malfoy, "but my lurf-like feelings will not be leading to marriage anytime soon. I'm still an eligible bachelor. For lucky females of the non-weasel persuasion that is," he added, giving Ginny a snide look.

Ginny tried to retort but when nothing came out, she settled for sending him an Avada Kedavra-like glare.

Malfoy looked at Ginny as if considering something, and then shaking his finger at her, finally said, "There's something different about you. I like it. Not enough to do you though."

Ginny raised her wand, but Harry gently lowered it, giving her a pleading look. When Ginny reluctantly yielded, he removed the Silencing Charm on her and turned back to Hermione. "If you really aren't married, then why are you wearing a crown?"

"It's a diadem," Hermione corrected, "and why are you suddenly so interested in it? Neither of you said a thing about it at the wedding or at breakfast this morning."

"You've been wearing a crown this whole time?" Ron said incredulously, exchanging looks with Harry, who shrugged in response.

"Ron probably didn't notice before because he was so busy staring at your boobs," said Ginny. Turning on Harry, she asked, "What's your excuse?"

"Oh," moaned Harry, clutching his head. "My scar hurts."

"How convenient," said Ginny dryly.

Harry had the decency to look a little sheepish.

Taking pity on him, Hermione decided it was finally time to tell Harry the truth. "While I agree it is awfully convenient, there could be another reason for Harry's scar hurting. This isn't just any diadem. It belonged to Rowena Ravenclaw," she said, giving Harry a pointed look. At his blank expression, she let out a dramatic sigh. "It's a Horcrux, Harry."

"You're wearing Voldemort on your head!" exclaimed Harry in horror.

"Technically yes," replied Hermione.

"You need to take it off now!" Harry ordered.

"Well, it's kind of stuck at the moment, but I'm fine. Really," she said, trying to calm him down.

"Horcruxes are dangerous, Hermione. You shouldn't mess around with them," Harry reprimanded. "For all we know, it could turn you into some kind of maniac."

"Yeah, like a nymphomaniac." Malfoy laughed.

Hermione punched him in the arm. "Shut up, Malfoy."

Harry's eyes flickered back and forth between Hermione and the diadem until it finally dawned on him. "So, that's why lately you've been so, um, er..."

Hermione's eyes darkened. "Spit it out, Harry. That's why I've been so what?"

"So, um," sputtered Harry, looking extremely uncomfortable. "That's why you've been so..."

"Slutty," supplied Ginny, her jealousy showing.

"Fun," offered the twins.

"Different," finished Harry lamely.

"It has some unfortunate side effects," Hermione admitted bristly. "But it's not going to be a problem for much longer because we are going to destroy it along with all of the other Horcruxes. I think it's time I introduced you to R.A.B."

"He's here? Now?" said Harry in surprise.

"Of course, I'm here. It's my house," boomed a voice from behind him.

"Who said that?" exclaimed Harry, whipping around and pointing his wand all over the place in a paranoid fashion.

"It's fine, Harry," said Hermione, reassuring him. "It's just Regulus."

"Sirius' brother?" said Harry in disbelief. "But I thought he was dead."

"Well, he is. Sort of. Remember when I said R.A.B. hangs around Grimmauld Place? Well, I meant that in a literal sense," said Hermione, walking over to where Regulus was hanging on the wall. "Harry, this is Regulus Arcturus Black, a.k.a R.A.B, or to those of us who know him better, the portrait from hell."

"You can say that again," muttered Malfoy.

"Flattery will get you nowhere," drawled Regulus.

"But this can't be R.A.B.," said Harry, looking at Regulus skeptically. "It's just a portrait."

"I wouldn't say I'm just a portrait," Regulus muttered, sounding offended.

Completely ignoring him, Harry turned to Hermione. "Malfoy said R.A.B. wanted to have sex with you in exchange for the Horcruxes. If R.A.B. is just a painting, how the hell is that even possible?"

"Well, um..." stammered Hermione, at a loss for an explanation.

"Shall we give him a little show?" said Regulus, winking at Hermione.

"No," said Malfoy, answering for Hermione.

"Definitely not," replied Hermione, glaring at Regulus and Malfoy before turning back to Harry. "The thing is, Regulus isn't an ordinary portrait."

"What she's trying to say is that I'm extraordinary," boasted Regulus.

"Do not put words in my mouth," said Hermione dryly.

Regulus smirked. "Oh, would you prefer I put something else in your mouth?"

Gritting her teeth, Hermione did her best to ignore him and continued trying to explain things to Harry.

"He can do things that ordinary portraits can't. Like magic. And he..." Hermione paused awkwardly. "And he feels real."

"He feels real," Harry echoed, looking at her as though she was crazy.

Hermione nodded a bit sheepishly.

Curious, Ron stuck out his finger to touch the painting.

However, before he could make contact, Regulus pointed his wand at him and said, "Don't even think about it, Red."

Ron's eyes went wide, and he quickly snatched back his hand.

"Now, if she wants to give me a grope," said Regulus, winking at Ginny, "I won't say no."

Ginny let out a giggle. "He's hot, Hermione. Why on earth have you been wasting your time on Malfoy when you could have him?"

"Because he's a painting. And an asshole," replied Hermione.

"So," said Ginny. "At least he's a work of art. Malfoy's just an asshole."

"Forget what I said before," said Malfoy, scowling at Ginny. "You're still the same annoying bitch you always were."

"She's just being honest," said Regulus, giving Ginny his most charming smile. "I don't think we've officially met, though I do have a portrait in your bedroom, so I do know you rather intimately if you know what I mean." He held out his hand. "My name's Regulus, but you can call me Papa."

Ginny giggled again and started to reach her hand out toward Regulus, but Harry quietly grabbed it and lowered it back down to her side.

"Oh," said Regulus in disappointment, looking down at Harry and Ginny's entwined hands. "Since all of the sexual adventures I've had the pleasure to witness have been of the solo variety, I was under the impression you were available. Don't tell me you're going to break my heart and tell me he's your boyfriend."

"I don't know," said Ginny, giving Harry a pointed look. "What do you say, Harry? Are you my boyfriend?"

"Yes?" said Harry questioningly. At Ginny's ecstatic smile, he pointed his wand at Regulus and said more firmly, "Yes, I am."

Regulus held up his hands in mock surrender. "Okay, I get the picture. It's no big deal. I'm practically engaged anyway. Of course, if I wasn't, I'd totally nail you," Regulus said in a loud whisper to Ginny. At Harry's glare, he said, "What? Just a little picture humor."

"Handsome and funny," Ginny commented, very much enjoying Harry's reaction to her flirting with Regulus.

"I'm hung, too. Want to see?" Regulus asked suggestively.

"Can you stop being creepy for two minutes?" snapped Hermione.

"Jealous?" asked Regulus, quirking his eyebrow at her.

"No," said Hermione quickly. "Why would I be jealous?"

"Because someone other than you is getting attention."

"Who said I ever wanted that kind of attention?" retorted Hermione.

"Well, you certainly never said that you didn't want that kind of attention, now did you?" Regulus smirked. "And if you don't want to take my word for it, we can always ask Malfoy for his recollection on the subject."

Hermione successfully avoided eye contact with Malfoy by glaring directly at Regulus.

"I have a feeling that I don't want to know the answer to this," said Harry warily, "but I have to ask. How did you discover that Regulus felt... real?"

"Yes, why don't you tell him exactly how you discovered that?" said Malfoy, scowling at her.

Hermione looked uncomfortable. "I kissed him," she mumbled.

"You what?" asked Harry, sure he hadn't heard her right.

"I kissed him!" snapped Hermione, angry that she had to repeat herself. Especially when it was something so stupid.

Harry looked at her incredulously. "You kissed a painting? Why would you do that?"

"I don't know," moaned Hermione. "He was being annoying, and I just wanted to shut him up. So, I kissed him."

"You couldn't use a Silencing Spell?" asked Harry with a hint of sarcasm.

Malfoy snorted.

"Well, in hindsight that might have been the more obvious thing to do," said Hermione, glaring at them. "But then I wouldn't have found out about the Horcruxes, would I?"

"Is someone finally going to tell me what Horcruxes are?" asked Ginny.

Hermione let out a sigh. "I suppose we may as well tell you. Horcruxes are used by dark wizards to achieve immortality. Voldemort ripped apart his soul by murdering people, and then he created Horcruxes like this diadem to hide the pieces. In order to kill him, we have to first destroy all of his Horcruxes."

"That is so disgusting," said Ginny, making a face. "I would never put a piece of my soul in a tacky diadem like that one."

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Anyway, our pal Regulus here has all of Horcruxes we need to kill Voldemort."

"Well, except for the one he put in his pet snake Nagini," said Regulus. "You'll have to do some work yourselves."

"I hate snakes," said Ginny with a murderous glint in her eye. "I volunteer to destroy that Horcrux."

"You're not going," said Harry firmly.

"Why not?" whined Ginny.

"Because it's too dangerous."

"I can take care of myself," huffed Ginny. "I'm a much better fighter than Ron. I whip his ass all of the time. And I don't care if you are my boyfriend and the goddamn Chosen One, I can whip your ass, too."

"That's true," said Fred. "She totally can."

"She's one scary bitch," agreed George, nodding his head.

"Oh, just let her tag along," said Ron. "We'll never hear the end of it otherwise."

"We're coming, too," said Fred.

"We'll bring the supplies," added George.

"This is my fight," began Harry.

"But you don't have to do it alone," said Hermione, putting her hand on his shoulder. "We're here for you no matter what. Who knows? You might need Ginny to wrestle a snake, or Ron to play a game of Wizard Chess, or–"

"Hermione to have sex with You Know Who," Ron joked.

"I was drunk when I said that!" snapped Hermione.

"On Veritaserum," said Ginny, laughing.

"Whatever," huffed Hermione. "The point is that we want to be there for you, Harry. So, we're all going."

"Some of us all the way," quipped Fred.

"And some of us are not only going, we might be coming as well," added George, laughing.

"I hate you guys," grumbled Hermione. "I was trying to be inspiring."

"And you were," said Harry, enveloping her in a big hug. "I love you guys. Except for you, Malfoy."

"Do you lust me?" Malfoy cracked.

"No," said Harry, looking at him thoughtfully, "but I might like you. I haven't quite decided yet."

"I'll try not to disappoint you," said Malfoy sarcastically.

"Just don't disappoint her," said Harry, nodding at Hermione.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you hurt her, we'll kill you," said Ron dismissively. "Now, isn't it time Hermione had sex with that painting, so we can get this show on the road?"

"I'll conjure the popcorn," volunteered George.

"I'll take the pictures," offered Fred.

"I'll be over here," said Ron, taking the comfy chair with the best view.

Hermione glared at them. "I am not having sex with Regulus."

"You're not?"

"No."

Ron looked at Regulus for confirmation.

Regulus shrugged. "Sorry, mate."

"But why not?" asked Ron, trying not to sound too disappointed but failing.

"Why do you think?" replied Regulus, nodding his head at Malfoy.

They all looked at Malfoy and grumbled, "Stupid lurf."