A/N: This is for yiraheerai since a comment she made inspired it. :P I had actually started this thing last fall and managed to forget about it. D: Bad, bad, bad.
Pairing: none really. This is one of those team seven friendshippy kinda fics.
Warnings: awkward teenagerness, abuse of a certain self-help book and the Kinsey scale.

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or the yellow book in question. :P

A Matter Of Propriety

They'd been there at least ten minutes already discussing their latest plan to unmask their favorite jounin sensei – and no, seventeen wasn't too old for pranks like that; shinobi had to have their hobbies, after all. Well, Naruto and Sasuke were discussing The Plan. Sakura was busy not-staring at the neon yellow book on Naruto's coffee table.

It had shone like a beacon from the moment she walked through the door, the lone book in an apartment full of weapons, scrolls, and empty ramen cups. Sex For Dummies. Surely, he had to have realized it was out in the open by now, she thought. Even as detail oblivious as he was, there was no way he'd miss the equivalent of a glowing billboard pointing out his... er, shortcomings. His foot was resting right next to it for crying out loud!

Sakura glanced back up at her teammates. Neither were acknowledging it, as if it were absolutely normal to have such a personal how-to guide out for everyone to see. Of course, Sasuke would never stoop as low as to point it out. He was rather tolerant of Naruto's crude comments, but he never partook in that type of banter himself. And Naruto... well, now that she really thought about it, he probably didn't care. She sighed and shook her head in exasperation.

"Don't be like that, Sakura-chan. It'll work, I'm tellin' ya. Kakashi-sensei won't know what hit him!"

"Huh?" she replied, glancing up once again at her teammates. They were both watching her, she noticed, Sasuke curious and Naruto amused.

"You can borrow it if ya want," the blond said suddenly.

"What?"

"Just sayin', since it's such a distraction 'n all." His eyes cut over toward the bright yellow book, and her momentary confusion quickly disappeared. Sakura grabbed the nearest pillow and threw it at his head.

"I don't want to borrow it, pervert! I'm trying to figure out why it's out in the open!"

Naruto only laughed at that. "Why not?"

Sakura flailed. "Why not?! Because most people have a sense of privacy, of decency, of... pride even!"

"So I should be embarrassed?" he asked slowly.

"Yes!" she shrieked. "I mean, no!"

"Then... what?" He was most definitely grinning.

"Just ... you don't have to broadcast it, okay?" she finished, face aflame.

He was laughing. Why in hell was he laughing? She glanced at Sasuke for some sort of clue, but he was wearing his 'why me' expression, staring attentively at the ceiling. Seeing as how he was no help at all, she turned back to her socially inept friend.

"What is so funny?" she demanded.

"It's not that I don't appreciate your concern for my reputation as Konoha's most eligible bachelor." He leered; Sakura rolled her eyes. "But it's not even my book."

"Oh, I suppose you're just holding it for someone then? Sasuke-kun, perhaps?" She really had better things she could be doing than listening to this.

Unfortunately, that turned out to be exactly the wrong thing to say as Naruto only clutched his stomach and guffawed. "Haha! You said it, not me!" Suddenly, the ceiling didn't seem so interesting to Sasuke.

"Fuck you, Dead-last."

"Oh, my bad. It's not Gay Sex For Dummies."

"Naruto," he growled in warning.

Sakura pinched her nose and sighed.

"Or even Masturbation For Dummies!"

"Naruto!" she yelled, hoping to break them up before it led to bloodshed. "Just... stop already. There's nothing wrong with having a... a sex manual, okay? We don't care that you have it, just don't leave it out for any random person to see. What would Kakashi-sensei think?" She was pacing, but she just couldn't stop herself.

"Funny you should say that, since he's the one who left it over here."

Well, that certainly wasn't what she'd expected. Kinda put a little perspective on that whole constant reading of porn thing he had going. Her thoughts, however, were interrupted when, out of the corner of her eye, she noticed Sasuke's expression.

He looked as if he'd stepped in an exceptionally fragrant pile of dog poop.

"That's more than we needed to know," he groused.

For a moment Naruto cocked his head to the side in that endearingly oblivious way of his before puffing his cheeks out indignantly. "Oi! That's not what I meant, asshole. It's your fault he left it over here anyway!"

Sakura put on her best poker face and pretended she wasn't morbidly curious.

Sasuke, however, looked confused. "How so?"

"Don't act like you don't remember changing my to-do list!" Naruto growled, pointing accusingly at his rival.

... Oh. Sakura's cheeks burned for the second time during their short visit as the old photo of them resting on the shelf nearby suddenly became very interesting.

"What are you talking about, idiot?"

"The white board on my fridge, bastard. I know you've seen it."

He snorted. "That stupid thing? Why would I waste my time with your delusions?"

"Bah, you're just jealous," the blond dismissed.

Sasuke laughed then. "Jealous of what? Anyone who has to write 'get laid' on their to-do list obviously needs help."

"It wasn't 'get laid'." The words bubbled with indignation. "It said 'sex up the targets 'til they forget their own names'!"

"Same thing."

"Not even close! Is it?" He turned toward Sakura, obviously imploring her help.

She cleared her throat once she realized she'd been pulled back into the conversation. "Ah, well, I guess it depends on who you ask."

"And I'm asking you. Wait. Why are you all red?"

"You really should dust more than once every three years. It's disgusting. Look." She ran her finger over the shelf and held it up.

"Sakura-chan?" Naruto stared at her a moment before suddenly clutching his chest dramatically. "You?! You wound me. I expect stuff like this from Kiba. And even bastard, here, but not you." His mock pain was quickly turning to amusement. "Though I'd rather not have had to deal with Kakashi-sensei thinking I can't find the clit. He even bookmarked the page!" he wailed, shuddering slightly.

Sakura could only imagine what sort of roundabout way he'd tried to address the situation; if all Kakashi did was leave information for him, Naruto was lucky! She laughed despite herself.

It was then that she noticed the look of sheer disbelief Sasuke was giving her. "Oh, shut up," she groaned. Her days of being considered the mature one of the group were soon to be a distant memory, it seemed.

Eyebrow raised, Sasuke glanced at Naruto and then back to her.

"I'm guessing you haven't had the chance to see if he's learned anything yet."

Sakura meant to let herself fall back into the sofa. Instead, she hit the edge and promptly fell on the floor. She could hear Naruto snickering but could do little more herself than stare slack-jawed and amazed at Sasuke. It wasn't until she saw the corner of his mouth turn upward that she was able to snap herself out of it.

"You're welcome to find out for yourself. Maybe you'll be lucky, and he'll find the prostate."

From the sofa, Naruto laughed even harder. "Keep talkin' like that, and neither of you'll be going home tonight!" When his teammates immediately pelted him with nearby objects, a scroll from Sakura and the tv remote from Sasuke, he sighed dramatically. "Your loss. Guess I'll just have to find some other people to try out all the stuff from the 'group sex' chapter."

Sakura slapped her forehead audibly. "Ugh, there's information on that even?"

"There's a section, but it didn't have anything useful." He looked extremely disappointed by the fact.

"Oh god. You actually read it."

"Well, yeah. Gotta have something to do while taking a crap, right?"

"Ack!" Sakura covered her ears, intent on blocking out anything further, but she could still read Naruto's lips as he leaned toward Sasuke and said something about there being both sections on masturbation and being gay. The Uchiha quickly shoved him away with a sneer.

"Oh come on. Don't act like you're not even a little bit curious. I bet if there was no risk of anyone finding out, both of you would finish it in less than a day!"

Sakura glanced around her spot on the floor and lamented the fact that she'd run out of things to throw at him. Instead, she made due with growling, "That's not the point! Ugh, why are we still talking about this?"

"Because neither of you have agreed to participate in my orgy yet?"

He looked like a complete lecher and even a little bit hopeful. Sakura kicked his shin.

"I thought we came over here to strategize," she teased.

"Who says I'm not?"

"Ugh!" Sakura's brain scrambled for a way to get this conversation back on its original topic. At the moment, she was leaning toward violence.

Surprisingly, it wasn't needed, though, as Sasuke seemed to have a plan of his own. Peeking over the top of the bright yellow book – and when had he picked the thing up anyway? – he asked, "So where exactly do you fall on the Kinsey scale, Naruto? Two? Three maybe?" he asked. "I know you're not a zero. You flirt too much for that."

Sakura would've laughed had she not been just as blindsided as Naruto.

Sasuke continued with a shrug. "I'm probably more like a four, I guess. It's more of an issue that most people disgust me in general, though, than gender. I guess I'm kind of picky."

The blond was still sitting there with his mouth hanging open, his brain visibly trying to wrap itself around the fact that Sasuke just one-upped him, when Sakura burst into a fit of giggles. Oh man, this was priceless!

Finally, Naruto snapped out of his shock with a protest of, "Oi!" He didn't elaborate any further, though.

"Well?" Sakura prodded.

"Well, what?" he replied, turning his attention to her.

"Answer him. I'm kinda curious myself."

"Yeah? Well, what about you?" he demanded, arms crossed and frowning.

Sakura shrugged. "One probably. It's a rare female that I can imagine a sexual situation with." She raised an eyebrow at him then. Your turn.

Exhaling loudly, Naruto turned his gaze from her to Sasuke and back. "Fine. I guess I'm a..." He trailed off into something like a cross between a cough and a gag.

Sakura blinked. "Pardon?"

"I said I'm a ... two, I guess. Happy? Now can we just finish going over The Plan and be done with it."

Sakura and Sasuke shared a knowing smile. Beaten at his own game. Revenge would most likely be brutal, but the brief reprieve would be worth it.

Probably anyway.

She hoped so.

She turned her smile on Naruto then and really wished she had a camera, because she couldn't remember the last time she saw him that flustered. Instead, she nudged his knee with her foot and asked, "So how is Kakashi-sensei not going to see it coming?"

He grinned back at her then, no doubt proud of the Sheer Genius of His Plan. And as Naruto jumped headfirst into explaining the details, Sasuke dropped the unfortunate, yellow book back on the coffee table where it would no doubt sit, waiting to amuse and disturb their teammate's next unlucky visitors.

The End