Chapter 10

Near

"Near are you sure that's the color we picked?"

"I'm not sure. It does seem a bit darker, a bit greener. Stop cutting vegetables for a moment and take a look at this wall." I said, taking a step down to get a better view.

"One sec. Let me just throw these in the pot. Do you think I should put any shallots in?" Matt lifted the cutting board and swept the vegetables he had just cut into the boiling pot.

"We didn't buy any shallots, silly. Come here and look!" I said. The ladder was staring to get a bit shaky. I dripped paint on the tarpaulin, nearly dropping the paintbrush. Matt had entered the room, and was looking at the half-painted wall, cocking his head slightly as he scrutinized the color of it.

"I think I rather like it. Perhaps a bit more light in this direction will set it off."

I started to paint again, stretching to reach the ceiling with my paintbrush. My fingers slipped and it fell down on me, staining my face, shirt and hair with green paint.

"Blast!" I shouted as the paint nearly dripped into my eye. Matt chuckled as I turned around to face him.

"The color looks rather good on you too!"

I got down from the ladder and picked the paintbrush up from the floor, dipping it in the can.

"Then it would be impolite of me not to share!" With one deft movement I ran the brush across Matt's neck and cheek.

"Cheeky fucker!" He said, his eyes wide with surprise. He tackled me to the ground, trying to paint every part of me he could. I was cackling loudly as if I were being tickled. There was green paint all over us. It was all over our hands, faces, in our hair, on our clothes. I had a long drip of it going down my neck and into my shirt.

He paused for a moment as our eyes locked. Matt kissed me passionately. I wanted to him to make love to me on the spot, right here on the floor, mess and all. He unbuttoned my shirt and started to kiss lovingly at my chest, leaving a trail of green lip-prints. I whimpered, running my hands through his hair. Suddenly, I heard a sizzling noise in the background. It took me a moment to realize what it was.

"Oh shit Matt! The veggies are boiling over!" I shouted, as steam bellowed into the air from the kitchen.

"Fuck!" Matt got up quickly and ran out of sight.

I laid there on the floor with my shirt open, giggling to myself, thinking about how my knob might look with green lip prints all over it. I was euphoric.

I closed my eyes to savor the moment. I felt everything start to spin, slip beneath me. I tried to grab hold of something, anything, but I was slipping away.

My eyes opened to the harshness of fluorescent light. I had fallen asleep at the console again.

"Shit." I said quietly, angry that once again, it was just a dream. I dreamed of him often, nearly every night in fact. It was always a variation on a theme; Matt and I getting our first flat together, shopping for food together, growing old together, they were countless. I think the dreams were the only thing holding me together at that point. They were the only warmth I had, the only way to experience his touch, to look in his eyes, or see him smile.

"You were stirring in your sleep." Rester said.

"Huh? Oh, it was just a dream. I don't really remember what it was about." I said, wiping my eyes.

"Perhaps you should go to bed. You haven't been sleeping much at all."

"No I'm alright. I just need to get up for a moment."

I got up from the chair and sat on the floor picking up one of the finger puppets Matt had given me for my birthday. I wondered how he'd react if he saw how I ended up using them and that he, by proxy, was a part of this battle. I thought back to the day that he had given them to me. I remembered the way he smiled at me after forcing me to sing for him, and the excited look on his face when he gave me the gift.

At that moment, I decided that I needed to finish this. I needed Matt's safety ensured, so I could simply stop dreaming and start living. I wondered if he still thought of me, or if he understood why he wasn't here at my side right now.

"Commander Rester, please see if you can reach Light Yagami. I think it's about time we finish this."

It was the 26th of January, 2010. My plan was coming together, in a few short days I would face off with Kira, hopefully defeating him once and for all. Either that or die. I had hardly slept at all, going over my plan over and over again, making sure I wasn't leaving any open holes or loose ends. That's when things started to go awry.

"Near! Mello's kidnapped Takada!" Lidner's voice crackled over the console's speaker.

I turned on the television. There was an aerial view of the scene, a car with an unidentified man laying on the ground, shot to death by Kira's followers I knew it wasn't Mello. Mello would only handle Takada himself.

"Since when does Mello have an accomplice? Commander Rester did you know anything about this?"

"No this is news to me." He replied.

My phone buzzed in my pocket as a text alert came through. It was from Mello, and it sent a chill up my spine, because I knew it probably would be the last thing he'd ever say.

"I'm sorry Near."

Sorry for what? For failing? For dying?

"Damn you..." I said, folding the phone and putting it back into my pocket.

"Commander Rester, I need Gevanni right now. We've got work to do."

Everything had come through as planned. I defeated Kira, saving the world from his tyrannical rule. I burned the Death Notes in celebration of 5 long years, glad that I could finally have my life back.

The entire investigation team celebrated our victory. However I was still haunted by something. Something that simply didn't ring right. It was Mello's text message. I no longer believed he was apologizing for interfering, or for failing. He'd never apologize to me for that. Never in a million years. There was more meaning behind his message.

My blood turned cold as a horrific thought crossed my mind. I grabbed my phone from my pocket.

"Lidner...Did you happen to get a look at Mello's accomplice? The one that was shot to death?"

"No, I'm sorry. I never saw him."

"Ok, thanks anyway."

I had to find out before I left Japan. I had to see for myself. This could be the end of my world.

I contacted the city morgue and arranged to meet with the undertaker. Arriving the next day, I introduced myself.

"Ah yes Near-San, we spoke earlier. Please come inside." He said.

As I crossed the threshold of the building my chest became painfully tight. I could feel my heart pounding. Everything seemed as if it was moving slower. The man lead me over to a desk with files neatly stacked on it. I had to clear my throat to speak.

"I'm looking for the body that was found when the NHN Anchor, Takada was kidnapped. It's... It's instrumental to my investigation.

"Yes, I believe that one had the..."

"I don't wish to know the name," I said firmly. "Please."

The man looked at me for a moment, sightly puzzled.

"Very well. Let me show you to the room."

He led me down a long corridor. My feet felt heavy, each step deliberate. Part of me wanted to turn around and run away, far from this place. I took a deep breath and trudged onwards. We reached a door. The undertaker opened the door wide and motioned for me to come inside.

"I'd prefer to be alone if that's alright with you." I said.

"Do you know the deceased?"

My palms were sweating. I looked down at the ground, my left hand instinctively started twirling my hair around my index finger.

"I may."

"Understood," He nodded slightly, "It's C13. That's the one you're looking for."

The undertaker turned around and started walking back. I entered the room and shut the door behind me. The room had an eerily dim bluish light. Before me was a wall of stainless steel drawers, each had a small number identifying them. I walked over to them slowly. My eyes were transfixed on drawer C13. I couldn't breathe. I felt as if I weren't in my own body, as if I was watching this happen through someone else's eyes. My hand wrapped around the cold handle, the sensation of grasping something solid brought me slightly back to reality. I was trembling, my hands unable to turn the handle.

I closed my eyes, and twisted. The metallic latch made a loud 'thunk'. Looking away, I pulled the drawer open, walking with the drawer until it had fully extended. With my back turned to it I walked back to the wall. I stood there for a moment hesitating, listening to the din of the refrigeration units that filled the room. I inhaled deeply and turned my head to look, without turning my body much, practically looking over my shoulder.

I clasped my hand over my mouth. Matt laid there before me on the cold steel drawer. His face was pale, his lips blue. His naked body was grotesquely riddled with bullet wounds. A slight smudge of dried blood signatured each one. I couldn't believe what I was looking at, trying to convince myself it was another dream. That I would wake up from this nightmare.

This can't be real. This cant be happening right now. Matt! Please no Matt!

I touched his face and recoiled in horror at it's cold, leathery sensation. The same person that radiated more warmth than the sun to me, was cold and lifeless. I felt myself losing strength as my hands trembled. I backed up to the wall of drawers, and slid down to the ground as my legs gave way beneath me. I thought I was going to be sick as a flood of tears ran down my face. I lost control to the heart wracking sobs, crying harder than I ever have in my life. Every memory I had of him came like a deluge, spinning through my mind all at once.

I laid there on the ground shivering as my world collapsed in on itself. I balled up my fist and punched the ground, crying like an infant. I hoped he didn't suffer as his life slipped away from him. I imagined the pain he endured as each bullet sliced it's way into him, puncturing his internal organs, tearing muscle and bone. He was gone, and I knew that nothing would ever be the same. I would never be the same.

I climbed up off the floor to look at his lifeless face one last time.

"I'm so sorry Matt. I'm so sorry I let his happen to you," My voice started to crack as I choked back a sob, "It's all my fault."

I stared at him for another short moment and closed the drawer slowly, a resounding thud of finality echoed through the room as I turned the latch.

I paced the room trying to regain my composure. I felt my soul close up inside of me, a hard shell surrounding it. It was dead inside. I truly felt dead. I left the room and met the undertaker at the front desk.

"I'd like to arrange for the body to be sent to England. I'll call you later with the address of where I'd like him to be sent."

"As you wish Near-San," He must have noticed the redness of my eyes and nose, "and I'm sorry for your loss."

"Thank you for your cooperation."

I found a suitable plot for Matt at a cemetery in Winchester, and relayed the information to the undertaker a few hours later. I left Japan the next day. I realized that I had nowhere to go, nobody to turn to. The SPK had disbanded, each of the members returning home. My plan was to meet up with Matt after this was all over, but Matt was gone now, and I had nobody.

I rented a hotel room near the cemetery for an undetermined amount of time. This is the point at which I slowly started to lose my sanity. I did nothing, but stay in that room for days with the curtains drawn and the lights off. I slept erratically, and when I did sleep, I didn't even have the false comfort of the dreams anymore. It's as if when he died, he died inside of me too. I visited his grave nearly every day, sometimes crying myself to sleep in front of his tombstone.

I stopped bathing and eating. I ritualistically poisoned myself nightly with liquor from the mini-bar, trying to numb the pain. My rigidly logical mind was coming apart at the seams. Sometimes I would talk to him, as if he was watching over me like a shinigami that I couldn't see. Sometimes I would even hear his voice. I had written a note, and left it at his grave one day, even though at another time in my life I would've thought it to be the action of a crazy person.

"I've written this note for you, and while I'm not sure if you'll ever be able to read it, somehow I feel it's something I must do. You've affected me deeply Matt, and throughout our time apart I never stopped aching for you. Even though we've been apart for 5 years, I don't know how to live without you. I blame Kira for creating this situation in the first place. I blame Mello for using you. But most of all, I blame myself for abandoning you, even though it seemed like it was in your best interest at the time. I realize now that I would rather you have died by my side, than in the undignified way that you did. I can't live without you. I never believed in the afterlife, but then again, I never believed in Shinigami either. I'm not sure if you're out there watching over me, that we can be together again, but it's a chance I'm willing to take. I love you more than life itself."

I laid there in the bathtub, contemplating my words over and over again. I wished I hadn't burned the death note, because it would make what I was about to do that much easier.

I pressed the razor blade against my wrist but at first was unable to find the strength to push through. I bit my lower lip and closed my eyes as I felt the blade slice open my skin. I could feel the heat of my blood pouring out. I pulled back on the blade slowly. Pulling it back towards me. Cutting deeply into my flesh. The burning pain was causing my hand to shake, making the cut jagged. I opened my eyes to see what I had done. Blood was pouring out of the laceration into the tepid water. I started to cry, realizing what I had done to myself. I decided that I must continue, rather than prolong the inevitable. I wailed as I pushed the blade in again, deeper than before, my wrist going limp with a grotesque snap as I severed one of my tendons. I pulled all the way until I reached the inside of my elbow, before losing strength and dropping the blade into the water.

The blood was coming out out of me so quickly I could hear it pouring into the bath. I started shiver as I felt a coldness set in. Everything started to get darker, fuzzy. I couldn't see anymore. I couldn't feel anymore. The silence of the room turned to into a cacophonous white noise as I felt myself slipping away. I was dying. It knew it wouldn't be much longer. Matt would be waiting for me on the other side, ready to accept me into his arms, to make me whole again. I could hear his voice faintly calling to me. It started to get louder.

"Near... It's ok now. I'm here for you."