AN: All right, it's been forever, but hey I got my shit under control for the most part.

ADVERTISING: I started a Dresden Files story, if any of one you have seen the now canceled Sci-Fi show(which wasn't very good), or have read the infinitely better novels, give it a shot. It's titled Three Evils for now, and as for the first person perspective, I hope I pulled it off better than I have in this story.

My Bones project is still in the intro phase, but Chapter II should be up soon.

Measure for Measure

Chapter XIX: Smile

The village of Hogsmeade was a quaint little place. There were rows of houses and shops and a little park that by this time was already in disuse. The inhabitants of the picturesque little town were older, middle aged or heading towards senility, and it was for that reason that the streets were adult-supervision free on our second Hogsmeade weekend. Anything below sixteen degrees made their bones ache, or some such bullshit.

The air was cold and dry, signalling that autumn would be abandoning us for winter earlier than expected. I steered the wheelchair down a side street and away from the commercial area that students usually visited. Zonko's and Honeydukes and the pubs didn't interest me anymore. All right maybe not Honeydukes, but I was over Zonko's and Madam Rosmerta's bosoms. Katie started as the wheelchair trundled over an extruding cobble. Shushing her, I pushed the wheelchair towards a lone row of houses.

"I can walk you know," Katie said. "You can let me up." I looked at her sadly and sucked the mucus from my nose down into my throat.

"You," I said quietly, "are desperately sick. If you were to walk who knows how long your legs would hold out."

"I have a cold!" Katie exclaimed. "You even caught it from me."

"Hush," I said. "Are you an expert on diagnostic medicine, Katie? I think not."

"Neither are you," she replied. I jerked my head at the solitary houses.

"Guess where I'm taking you?" I sang. Katie shook her head wildly.

"No," she said. "There is no way that I'm letting you take me to some whack-job witch doctor. I just have a cold."

"Then why haven't you escaped?" I asked. "If you just have a cold, that is."

"Because you tied me down, Harry." Katie crossed her arms and sighed. "Fine, take me."

"Now?" I asked, clutching my chest. "Why, this is so sudden, I can't wait to tell the guys." Katie scowled and grabbed my shirt, pulling me down swiftly so that my chin collided with the steel of the wheelchair. My upper and lower teeth met sharply, and my knees hit the cobbles. Cussing furiously, I stood up.

"Like seriously, Katie?" I asked, rubbing my mouth. "You want to break my jaw or something? Maybe cripple me for life?"

"Just minor trauma," Katie said. "Now take me to the doctor."

"No," I said, folding my arms. Katie stared at me levelly before shrugging.

"I'll just go by myself, then."

"You're in a wheelchair," I replied. "Cripple."

"You're an idiot," Katie replied, and with that she grasped the wheels and started for the houses. Success. I stood there for a moment, smiling slightly, and when she showed no sign of stopping or waiting for me, I called out:

"Get off my wheelchair!"

Katie had a cold, and as they were highly contagious I had one as well. The old woman that Brian had recommended gave us some cough drops and a glass of water each before ushering us out of her house lest she become sick as well. By this time it was nearly one o'clock, and we were supposed to meet Hermione in the square. Apparently the girl had cooked up some kind of plot to assassinate Umbridge or something. I disapproved on principle, Umbridge was my favourite teacher. You just don't take part in assassination plots like that, I knew her better than any of the professors I'd spent five odds years with. The deepest pit of hell is filled with betrayers and mutineers, be warned.

"What's her plan, then?" Katie asked as we walked into the town proper. I shrugged. The intricacies of Hermione's plan were still a mystery. It couldn't be too dangerous or risky; else Hermione wouldn't have though of it. Poison was out as well, because for all of Hermione's house elf love, she was still uncomfortable about asking them things. Katie eyed me.

"She didn't tell you?" My mouth twitched a little. Katie sighed.

"You weren't listening?"

"Katie," I said, "I was doing homework."

"Yeah," she said, hauling the wheelchair along behind her, "because that's more important than dealing with Umbridge."

"Maybe it was." I had been doing homework, not exactly my homework per se, but homework all the same.

"So why are we going then?" Katie asked as we passed the Three Broomsticks. "If you don't care about Hermione's idea, it probably means it'll fail." I cocked an eyebrow at my second favourite chaser. She thought I was smart?

"Que?" I asked.

"What?" Katie said.

"Exactly," I returned. "What did you mean by that?"

"You're good at plotting," she said.

"Oh," I said and felt my cheeks heat up a bit. Only I could take a comment about being some sort of criminal mastermind as praise. Katie smirked at me. Scowling, I jerked my head towards the post office and parked the wheelchair outside.

"You're a right vixen," I said. Katie didn't reply, but kept the pleased look on her face as we entered the post office. It wouldn't stay there much longer. The post office was small, but there were some boxes for rent, and I'd done just that on our previous Hogsmeade visit. Inside it was a small package: To Harry Potter; From: Dudley Dursley. Grinning, I motioned to Katie who was checking out a few owls at the counter.

"Let's go find Hermione," I said. "Get on the wheelchair."

"Why?"

"Just do it, woman."

Hermione was waiting just outside Honeydukes with Ron. The redhead was sitting at her feet and eating candyfloss from a large bag. The other prefect didn't look too pleased with him. Upon seeing me wheel Katie towards them Hermione nudged Ron and hurried towards us.

"Good," she greeted. "You were almost late." Ron approached us and handed me a paper sack.

"Got your stuff," he said. Thanking him, I eyed the candyfloss.

"New stuff?" I asked. Grinning, Ron nodded. Hermione frowned.

"Yes, and he had to purchase the extra large bag, too," she said. Ron smiled weakly.

"I'll pay you back," he said. "Eventually." Hermione huffed and gestured for us to follow her.

"I hope we get there first," she said. "I don't know what kind of turnout to expect."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," I said, stopping and dumping my things on Katie's lap. "Turnout? What are you going to do, Hermione?" Bringing any more people into some half-ass plan was not going to end well. Hermione wasn't much of a team player, anyway.

"We're going to the Hog's Head to meet a few people," Hermione said. I squinted at her. Aberforth Dumbledore's tavern was the Hog's Head.

"Do you know what you're doing?" I asked. "Because if I go to prison for this assassination shit, I'm giving you up immediately. I'll fold like an Iranian housewife."

"Wha—never mind," she said. "We're not going to prison, Harry."

"Hopefully," Ron muttered. Hermione glared at him.

"There is a chance," he defended. "I mean, what if Umbridge finds out?"

"She won't," Hermione replied. With that she clammed up and led the way to the tavern. I debated on leaving all the way there, but Katie was set on seeing what Hermione had in mind. My possessiveness needs no explanation.

Hermione stared up at the building hesitantly. No sound escaped from within, although the building didn't look very sturdy and the windows of the tavern were caked with grime, so we couldn't see inside. Hermione glanced up at the rusty sign that hung above the door with a grimace. It was a boar's severed head leaking faded crimson blood onto a white tablecloth. Ron looked back down the road nervously.

"Well," Katie said. "Open the door."

"Hermione…," Ron muttered.

"Oh, just do it," she said.

Ron pulled the grubby door of the Hog's Head open and held it until we all had entered. It wasn't out of politeness; he was just scared to go inside before Hermione and me. I saw him glance around nervously again before following us. Unfortunately, the exterior was cleaner than the interior, but not by much. The floor was hard packed earth and was covered in sawdust, as if it was a butcher's shop instead of a tavern. The walls were bare, and air the smelled of vomit and alcohol and something farmlike.

"Christ," I muttered, after clearing my nose of snot.

"I'll say," Katie said, breathing shallowly. I clapped a hand to my forehead.

"I forgot," I moaned.

"Forgot what?" she asked. I plucked the package Dudley had sent and steered Katie over away from the door.

"Oi, they're here," Fred Weasely's voice called. I glanced up and cursed. The pub was packed, well almost packed. There was a good number of people, twenty at least. Aberforth, the bartender was an old man who looked very much like a grungy, unwashed Albus Dumbledore, albeit with a beer belly. Ron let out a whistle as his apprehension dissolved. I cursed again. This wasn't going to go unnoticed. I turned the wheelchair away from the crowd and opened the packaging. Katie protested, but I shushed her and pulled out the item I'd waited a week to get my hands on. I motioned Ron over and had him stand between the crowd and us.

"What's that?" Katie asked.

"A sticker," I replied.

"A sticker?"

"I don't need an echo," I muttered and applied the large sticker to the wheelchair. "All right, done."

"Done?" Katie asked, just for spite. I grinned at her and adjusted Ron's head so that he could see the sticker.

"…where," he began. I set his head on Katie. Ron's jaw dropped; "No way…!" I smiled widely and shook my head.

"Then why?" He gestured at the sticker.

"They don't know that do they?" I asked, hooking a thumb over my shoulder.

"What?" Katie asked. "What does it say?" She leaned over and tried to see the sticker, but I set her straight and wheeled the chair towards Hermione. The bushy headed prefect was standing in front of the group and beaming. Katie struggled to see the sticker, but I draped my arms about her, set my chin on her head, and pulled up alongside Hermione. Ron grabbed a pair of chairs and sat in his.

"Having fun, Hermione?" I asked. "Feel like packing it in now?"

"Hush, Harry," she whispered. "We've got to do this."

"No we don't," I said. George stared at Katie strangely. He cocked an eyebrow at me. I shrugged the best I could and turned her wheelchair sideways. He snorted.

"Smooth, mate," Fred said with a laugh. Katie thrashed about trying to see the sticker.

"Sit still," I said. "You'll hurt yourself."

"Let me see," she growled. "Or I'll kill you. Twice."

"That's what Voldemort said," I muttered. "I'm still here aren't I?"

"Not for long," George said. Hermione groaned and glared at me.

"It always has to be about you, doesn't it, Harry?" she asked. I looked at her innocently.

"I'm not stopping you, Hermione," I said. "You're just more interested in my conversation than getting booed by this crowd. Check this sticker out."

"No," she said firmly. "We're getting started."

"Finally," Brian's voice called. He emerged from the back of the assembled group of retards and approached me. "You've wasted a half hour of my time already."

"Why are you here?" I asked the third year. "More importantly, how did you survive?" He was the only one wearing Slytherin colours. The small boy shrugged and said:

"Luna."

"Ah," I said, standing on my tiptoes, but holding Katie back. I caught sight of the blonde girl sitting at the very back of the crowd and sipping a butterbeer. "G'morning Luna." She hummed something in response and waved at me. Then again, from the faraway look she had, Luna could have been slapping at a fly. Brian sat in the other chair Ron had pulled up as I didn't plan on letting Katie go. There was a solid chance she'd knock my nose in if I did.

"He's nuts," a Hufflepuff boy said. He had a pinched sort of arrogant to look to him. "He really is." I nodded.

"I really am," I said. "You can leave now, if you want."

"Harry!" Hermione said. "No he's not. Sit. Sit!" A few people had gotten up with the Hufflepuff boy, among them the Ravenclaw girl that didn't like me. I noticed Cho was present and was staring at me intently. My eyes settled on the Hufflepuff lad's Tornadoes badge instead of her. Hermione managed to calm the group down and no one left.

"So," Fred said once the outspoken Hufflepuff was being held down by Hannah Abbott. "How're we going to go about this?"

"And why are we here?" another Hufflepuff boy asked. They were pretty obnoxious for a crowd of 'hardworking' friendly people. Hufflepuffs were supposed to be pleasant and chaste, like the ginger with the plait who was sitting nervously with her hand on her wand.

"Well," Hermione began, glancing at me glancing at her. "It's about fixing a problem we've recently acquired at Hogwarts"

"Herpes," I put in, "everyone's getting it." The twins and few of the seventh years laughed. Even Katie chuckled a bit. Hermione glared at me.

"No," Hermione said. "I'm talking about Defence. You've all realised that the cumulative Defence grade isn't what it used to be."

"Not that it was that high before," I muttered. Hermione looked at me poisonously.

"What, we've got Goyle and Crabbe in our class," I defended. She shook her head and forged on.

"Some of you know this already, but I thought we could get together and study Defence Against the Dark Arts. It's bound to more effective than the tripe Umbridge is teaching us," Hermione said, spitting out the last few words with distaste. "I mean actually learning the spells and in-depth theory." I made hand motions to illustrate her points and ended with a pigeon flying away. Brian, who had been watching Hermione attentively, glanced at me with a frown.

"Stop it," he hissed. I snorted, but dropped my hands to Katie's chest. She sighed, but didn't stop me.

"So you want to pass your O.W.L as well," a skinny Ravenclaw lad asked. Hermione agreed with him, but after shooting me a long look continued.

"Erm, it's not just grades, even though they seem most important," she said. "We have to learn to defend ourselves, because, erm, Lord Voldemort is back…." Articulate, Hermione, articulate. However, the reaction was immediate. Drinks were knocked over as people yelped and twitched and shrieked. It was like reverse Tourettes or something. A few caught themselves and stared directly at me. I licked Katie's head and stared right back.

"What'd you do?" the chaser whispered after her own fit had ended.

"I licked your hair."

"Why?" Katie exclaimed.

"It smelled like watermelon," I muttered.

"You're an idiot," she groaned.

"I love you, too." Hermione began to say something about how she was going to run this study group, which I admit was a better idea than trying to get Umbridge fired or killed, but was cut off by Marietta or whoever, who asked for proof of Voldemort's return.

"Professor Dumbledore says—"

"Touch your toes," I muttered in a bored voice as Hermione told them what Dumbledore believed. The haughty looking Hufflepuff stood up and pointed at me.

"Dumbledore takes his word for it," he said. "And he's a loony."

"Nah," I said. "That's Luna." A few of the girls twitched and looked at Luna nervously, but the fourth year was busy making scratches on the table with a penknife. The boy snorted.

"Yeah, sure," he said. "I suppose we're supposed just assume that story's correct. Voldemort just showed up and offed Diggory."

"That's actually how it went," I said, unblinking. "By the by, what's your name?"

"Zacharias Smith," he said. "And I want to know what really happened, if we're to believe you."

"Let me do an interpretative dance then," I drawled. I removed myself from Katie's person and stood up. I drew myself up as much as I could and pulled my wand. Making one hand into a raptor claw, I waved it about and flicked my wand at Smith. A bolt of green light, not nearly as bright as the Killing Curse, shot towards him and crashed into his drink, turning it into jelly. Frowning, I stared at Smith.

"My aim was off," I said. "Well, you get the general idea."

"That's illegal!" the boy yelled, nearly falling over. "Are you trying to kill me?"

"Harry!" Hermione yelped. "Are you crazy?"

"No," I said. "No, I'm not." Katie gasped something and before I could register my mistake, her fist met my jaw with a dull thump. Reeling, I grabbed Brian's chair to steady myself and glanced up at Katie. She had seen the sticker that I'd put on the wheelchair.

"Surprise," I said weakly. "Isn't it funny?"

"Baby on Board?" she said, much to the amusement of the twins, Alicia, and Lee Jordan. "Since when am I a minivan?"

"What's a minivan," one person asked.

"It's an automobile," Hermione answered. "Harry, Katie, solve this later, please."

"Come on," I said. "I planned this out, you know. I thought you liked that about me?" Katie paused and stared at me incredulously.

"I didn't want to be victim," she said.

"It was all in good fun," I said. "You're not really pregnant."

"I knew that!" Katie yelled, her face bright red.

"Oh," I said. "I wasn't sure you did." I was trying hard not to look at Cho Chang. Katie took a deep breath and sat in the wheelchair again.

"Let's let Hermione finish up," she said. "Then I'll deal with you." As she said this she looked at Alicia, Lee, George, and Fred as well.

"Oi, we didn't do anything," George said. "Deal with Harry, not us." Hermione was also red in the face by now. She was trying to control the reactions of not only Zacharias Smith and the bartender and the other customers of the Hog's Head, but Katie, Fred, George, and me.

"All right," I told Katie, "What do you want?"

"What do you mean? Take this bloody sticker off!"

"That's it?" I asked. "Nothing else?" I waved my wand and vanished the sticker.

"Happy?" I asked. "That's two weeks of planning, doing Dudley's Spanish essay and a weeks pay."

"You did all that for this?" Katie asked. Fred and George beamed.

"That's our boy," they chorused. "Doin' it right, he is." Hermione sighed and sat down.

"Sit, everyone, please," she said. I winked at the twins and inclined my head to Hermione.

"All right, Hermione, tell us your plan," I said and motioned for everyone to sit down. More than half of them stared at me confusedly until it was explained by cohort (Ron) that I had saved them all from doom many a time. Then their looks became angry.

"So you think you can boss us around because you got your ass handed to you by You-Know-Who?" Zacharias Smith asked. I liked this guy.

"Nah, I think I can boss you around because I killed two thousand men with the jawbone of an ass," I said. "Or was that Superman? Samson? Spiderman?" He stared at me for a second in disbelief. My mouth kept moving, tossing out names at random.

"Loony," Smith muttered to himself and sat down. The rest of the rebellious Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws sat down with Zacharias. The Gryffindors stared back at me nonplussed. I shrugged at Hermione.

"They know scripture for some reason," I told her. "You deal with them."

"Please," Hermione pleaded. "Let's just get this done quickly."

"Fine, fine, Hermione," George said, gesturing for the Gryffindor group to sit down. "We'll act our age."

"Lee, where're the nappies?" Fred picked up. "I'm thinking Hermione and Ronnie could take turns changing them as they give us the run down on their scheme." The assembly broke out with laughter as Lee conjured a pile of cloth diapers and the twins donned a pair over their robes. A cleverly bandaged figure sitting at the bar twitched hard at the twins dialogue and Brian made an annoyed sound and glanced up at me.

"I happen to find them inspiring," I said simply.

"Sometimes it seems like you work off of each other," Katie muttered. She had taken a seat in the wheelchair again and was staring up at me bleakly. I dragged my sleeve across my face, wiping my nose, peering over my sleeve I said ominously:

"I work alone."

"I heard this morning," Katie replied. "Sound effects and everything."

"Blow me," I snorted.

"I think you've got it covered," she returned.

"Ouch, walked right into that one, didn't I?"

"Pretty much," Katie said, a slight smile tugging at her mouth.

"So for this to work I figured we'd meet at a preset location at an agreed time," Hermione said to the crowd, her back to the bar. Aberforth glanced at his patrons, muttered something and disappeared into a small side door. My eyes narrowed.

"Hurry it up Hermione," I said loudly. "My antelope are on the turnpike." The girl looked at me strangely, as did the crowd, but she continued her speech at the same speed.

"…I'd make up lesson plans during the week and after making sure that I knew the material," she said. "I'd teach it to you." Zacharias frowned and stood up.

"What about him?" The Hufflepuff pointed at me.

"I'm fifteen, almost-single, and like to play with my duckies in the bath tub," I said swiftly. "That's me." Smith didn't look amused.

"What about him?" Hermione demanded.

"Shouldn't he be teaching us?" a lad named Boot or something said.

"Are you serious?" Hermione said, having to hold in her amusement. "Harry?"

"Yes?" I answered promptly. Hermione glared at me.

"Don't respond," she grunted.

"All right, bossy boots," I mumbled. Smith stared at me hard.

"You thought he was crazy only moments ago," Hermione said. "Why would you ask that?"

"He killed a man with jawbone of an ass," a smallish boy said. "He obviously knows what's what."

"That was a joke," Hermione said shocked.

"He nearly killed Zacharias without a word," the nervous looking ginger said. I glanced at her. She smiled weakly. "And he fended off a Death Eater this summer." I cocked an eyebrow.

"Who's she?" I asked Katie.

"Susan Bones," the redhead replied. Katie looked a bit miffed at being cut off.

"Related to Madam Bones?" I asked, knowing the answer already. The girl nodded.

"She's my auntie."

"Auntie Bones seems to be a barren old bitch," I said. "She wouldn't even get me bathroom break. I nearly pissed all over her stand."

"Nearly?" Smith asked suddenly.

"My pants were on backwards, see," I replied, grimacing. Smith snorted in amusement.

"So what happened?" the small Ravenclaw said.

"Name?" I asked finally.

"Michael Corner," he replied.

"Well, little Mikey," I said. "I fought a Death Eater, and ran away scared when the Aurors came."

"You were chased by Aurors?" Lavender blurted out.

"Yeah," I said. "It was stupid easy, don't worry."

"Then what happened?" her constant companion, Parvati, asked.

"I bought some meth off of this whore's best friend's uncle's kiwi's sister who cooked it up in her bathroom and got smashed," I said. "Woke up four days later in Vietnam."

"I thought Tonks picked you up?" Ron said.

"She might have," I said slowly. "In Vietnam."

"Where's Vietnam?" Susan Bones asked.

"Hell," I replied.

"Hell?" Hermione said.

"Don't worry, we're all going there," I said.

"All right, Harry," Hermione sighed. "Can we get this done with?"

"It's your show," I said. "I'm just here because you said you'd pay for lunch."

"Right," Hermione said, turning to face the crowd as Ron unfurled a scroll and laid it on a table. "I will be teaching the lessons. Anyone that wants to attend please sign up, if not I'd like you like to keep this quiet." Everyone stood and signed up. I scribbled my name onto the sheet last, near the very bottom. With that done, Hermione rolled up the parchment started the exodus. Aberforth still hadn't returned. I approached the bar and sat next to the bandaged man. He'd been scribbling things onto his bandages furtively throughout the entire meeting. He jumped when I set a hand on his shoulder and pressed my wand into his neck.

"Give Umbridge any names," I muttered, spilling his drink onto what he had written, blurring the ink, "and I'll kill you like that small child I ate last night. And the night before that. And the night before that…" I stood up and backed away, continuing with repeated the phrases as I kicked open the door and left the Hog's Head.

Next:

Chapter XX: Lunacy

Thanks for reading. And see the top note for my fanfiction panhandling of sorts.

- Grover