Title: What We Do Is Secret
Author: Lint
Email: [email protected]
Pairing: Faith/Xander.
Disclaimer: All Buffy folk belong to Joss, Mutant Enemy, and UPN.
Rating: R
Summary: Continues from "The Good Kind of Wicked."
***
Their third encounter was a flash of heat.
The actual event itself was a mix of passion, release, and desire. He has plenty of time to process what was happening during the event. She bucks wildly underneath him as he pumps into her, screaming and moaning into his ear. Harder, faster, she demands. His forehead is beaded with sweat, his hips rocking rhythmically. His eyes travel over every inch of her body, his hands hold firmly on her hips. Her cries fill the nicely furnished apartment, his own low moans echoing her. He lets his mind record of every second of it. Every touch, every taste, every sensation. Faith had offered herself to him and he accepted. A decision he knows he won't regret.
It lasted hours. A shining beacon of light on the world's memory screen.
He's glad it happened again.
***
Faith is walking around the apartment with nothing on and for the first time he takes a moment to admire just how nice her new place is. He thinks that working for the mayor definitely has its perks. He lies on the bed, the sheets torn off long ago, with his arms behind his head. He lets himself relax and smile that he'd slept with Faith for a third time. He's sure that that must be a record. For a girl whose motto is "get some and get gone" three times has to be an achievement of some kind.
She wanders back to the bed and throws herself next to him. She gives him that wicked grin he loves so much and he smiles back at her. Grabbing him forcefully behind the head she crushes her lips to his and pushes him away just as quickly. He laughs lightly. She could be such a tease when she wanted.
"Hate to say it," she says rolling onto her back. "But I think you've got me hooked."
He turns on his side to look at her and she just throws her hand at him.
"Don't let the ego blow up on you yet," she says. "You're a good fuck, but you're not good for much else."
He laughs and lies on his back once more. She could insult him however she wanted to and he would no longer care. He's not surprised anymore at just how apathetic he has become. It is something he's come to terms with. He closes his eyes and thinks briefly of drifting off to sleep when he feels her straddle him. Her hands crawl up his chest and he thinks that she wants to go again when he feels her hands close on his neck. His eyes shoot open and he grabs at her wrists not wanting to be choked like he had been before.
"You tell anyone where my new place is and I'll kill you," she says sweetly before releasing her hands and leaning forward to lie on top of him. "Tell anyone of your little friends and I'll kill you got it? What you and I do is none of their business, understand?
He nods as her tongue runs briefly over his lips.
"We need a stealthy operation here. Otherwise it's no fun. Get me?"
He nods and runs his hands through her hair. He loves the feel of it against his fingers, so soft and silky. He loves that she is lying on top of him in this cushy apartment. He loves knowing that he's not supposed to be here. He loves knowing that this is wrong.
She starts to kiss him again and they eagerly make their way into round four.
***
A nuclear bomb exploding in front of the school wouldn't erode the aura of confidence he feels around himself as he moves through the halls of Sunnydale High. He walks with his head held high, takes time to admire a few girls who pass him by and look at him curiously. He feels a sense of power he hasn't felt since becoming a hyena. He likes how it feels. Faith's influence over him has moved to his articles of clothing as well. She herself wears a lot of black, and now, so does he. None of his friends seemed to notice the change in wardrobe but he thinks that they wouldn't notice if he pierced his nose and dyed his hair green. Maybe a month ago he'd be hurt by it all, but their complete ignorance to his existence has its bonuses. The fact that they don't notice means that they don't ask questions. And if they don't ask questions, he doesn't have to lie. It's an easy way to get along. He stops by his locker to get a book he needs for Chemistry when Cordelia and her cronies pass him by. She shoots him a withering look and he rolls his eyes at her. He knows she doesn't like the small sigh of disrespect because she starts in to insult his way of dressing and stops dead when she sees that she can't do that either. Finally she gives up and her friends look on as she storms away without waiting for them to follow. He smiles to himself when he notices a couple of them take a second to look him over. He walks to class feeling good for the umpteenth time this morning.
The day goes by the usual way. He goes to class, then the library, then class, then lunch, then class, and then the library again. Giles and Buffy are still dismayed by Faith's betrayal and Willow keeps saying there was a reason why she didn't like her. He knows why she didn't like Faith. He smirks to himself but keeps his mouth shut about it. Books are stacked on the main table and he occasionally glances at a few of them. No one says anything about his being quiet today. Either they've grown used to it already or they just don't care. He assumes the latter.
Wesley is there today and Xander readily ignores him. It's not that hard too; everyone else seems to do so seamlessly. The younger British watcher starts into a mild rant about tracking Faith down and Xander feels himself tense just slightly. A small thrill of the simple fact that he knows something they don't runs through him. He knows he'll do anything to keep them away from her now. He's not sure exactly how far he'll go, and it's not something he wants to try out just yet. He's not exactly sure about the way to go when it comes to such things. Faith has told him that being bad is just something that comes naturally. You know something is wrong and you just don't care. He doesn't think he's reached that way of thinking, but it might come along eventually. No big loss either way.
Buffy is going to patrol tonight and Giles and Wesley will accompany her. Willow says she has a date with Oz. They look at him briefly and he says that he's just going to stay at home tonight. They have no problem with it. He's not the least bit surprised. They stay inside for a few hours more and when the sun sets Willow is gone and he gets up to go to Faith's when Buffy offers to walk him home. He begins to insist that he can make it on his own but she won't have any of it. The urge to tell her to fuck off rises but he quells it as much as he can. He gives in and lets her walk him home.
Once on his porch he says thank you and walks inside. She asks if he's been okay lately. He asks what she means. She says that's she noticed how distant he's been lately, and was he feeling all right? He's almost unsure of what do. He had thought that they had just stopped paying attention to him completely. He smiles and makes a lame joke and she smiles back and is gone. Another bullet dodged.
He gives her enough time to make it off his street when he goes back outside. To his surprise Faith is at the end of his walkway. He smiles and walks up to her. He asks what she's doing here and she tells him that he saw her and B leave the school. She was going there to get him, sneaking around the campus gave her a mild thrill she said. Knowing her enemies were so close. He doesn't like to term enemies too much but there is nothing he can do about it. He keeps his mouth shut.
They go back to her place.
Their fifth encounter is just as wild as the others were. He wouldn't have it any other way. He falls asleep in her bed and for once in his life feels no fear at the consequences of his actions. He's not panicking about what the others would say or do about his affair with the rogue slayer. He's merely thinking how nice it is to rest next to her after fucking each other senseless. For the second time with her he feels free.
***
School passes by again with nothing of real interest happening. No world ending threat, no monsters on parade. Just another research session. One that he didn't feel like participating in. He starts to go home when he runs into Cordelia just near the front doors of the school building. Once again she tries to tear him down with a barrage of lame insults and jabs. He ignores her easily but today she doesn't seem to want to quit. Her friends are nowhere to be seen and he wonders just whom she's putting this show on for. Besides the janitor nearly fifty feet away no one could see her making fun of him. She goes on about his change in attitude and dress. Says it's a pathetic attempt to win a place in the kingdom of cool. She's said this to him before, when he had his Uncle's car. It was a waste of breath then as it is now. He grows tired of the endless sea of words flowing from her mouth. He thinks of what Faith might do in a situation like this. He smiles calmly at Cordelia when he realizes the answer. She folds her arms and waits for him to respond.
"Shut up," He says simply.
Her tongue clicks inside her mouth and she blinks at him for a second and seems dazed at the simple verbal slap.
"Excuse me?" She explodes. "Did you just tell me to...?"
He shakes his head against another verbal burst and roughly grabs her arms and slams her into a row of lockers.
"I said shut up," he growls.
Her eyes grow wide at his use of force, but for once she does as she's told. She stares at him intensely. What she sees is not the uber loser she constantly mocked since he had hurt so badly, or the mildly charming guy she'd once dated. She doesn't know who he is at this moment. And for the first time in her life she's actually scared of Xander Harris. After a few moments when it seems like she's not going to say anything more, he lets her go. He glares at her briefly before stalking off feeling most pleased with himself. He knows that right now she's probably running to library to tell the others. She probably thinks he's possessed or something. He knows that there's not a chance in hell that Cordelia Chase would think he could do her any harm otherwise. He smiles. Once outside he makes sure no one is running after him from inside the school. He walks all the way to Faith's whistling.
The next day he gets the reaction he expected. When he walks into the library Cordelia is there and she won't even look up at him. Buffy, Willow, and Giles seem to be tip toeing around him, a few quick glances, and a slight stumble of words. And Wesley wisely didn't say or do anything. They ask him why he did what he did and what could he possibly have been thinking? He loses his temper pretty quickly. Of course he was possessed. He couldn't possibly just tire of Cordy's constant jabs and take that extra step to make her stop. Willow barely looked at him. He's pretty sure she was thinking of the hyena incident. He thinks that she's afraid she's next on his list of attacks. If only she knew he wouldn't even bother.
Giles and Wesley ask him if he's performed any rituals as of late, or if he's been around any. He thinks it's a ridiculous question to be asked and gives them a short answer. They don't seemed very pleased with it. He rolls his eyes. He tells them that no; he hasn't been possessed by anything. He doesn't know any witches that would do any sort of bad spell and that maybe for once he had just done something that got some results. None of them look very happy to hear this either and he turns and walks out. The steaming urge to run to Faith courses through his system. He knows that she will understand.
He's about half way down the hall when he hears his name being shouted. He chooses to ignore it and keeps walking but it grows louder and moves nearer.
"Xander!"
He feels a hand clamp onto his shoulder and he knows immediately that its Buffy. He asks her what she wants; his voice cold and clipped. She stands firm and he knows he doesn't get to leave until she says what she has to say.
"When Cordelia came into the library yesterday saying you'd physically shoved her I didn't believe it," she says.
He shrugs. A gesture that almost makes her lose her patience.
"That doesn't sound like you Xander," she says in a softer tone.
He really doesn't want to have this conversation right now. He feels her eyes on him as he turns to look at the doors at the end of the hall, wanting to escape. He knows that she's fighting the urge to yell at him. He turns back to her and shrugs again. What comes out of his mouth next nearly causes her to slap him.
"It made her stop talking;" he says and turns to walk away ignoring her angry calls after him. When he reaches the doors he looks back at her retreating form and he snorts. If she was really so concerned she wouldn't have let him leave. He backs out of the doors when an unseen force grabs him from behind and shoves him toward the utility closet. Once inside he turns with his fists raised expecting some asshole that chose today of all days to pick on him. He lets his fist drop when he sees that it's Faith and he smiles at her but she doesn't reciprocate.
"Pretty sloppy there boy-toy," she says moving closer to him. "You don't want them to think there's something different with you," she says trailing her fingers up and down his chest. "That you've been corrupted by outside influences..." She trails off throwing her arms around his neck and shoves her tongue down his throat.
The passion between them escalates as it always does and he pulls at them hem of her shirt, but she throws him against the wall.
"Uh uh," she says. "Not here. Not until you go to Daphne and the rest of the gang and make good."
He asks her what exactly he has to make good about and she thrusts out her leg, her foot stopping mere centimeters from his face.
"Because," she says firmly. "You know how they work. If they think there's something different about you they'll just assume foul play. If they assume foul play they'll start following you around. They start following you around; you lead them to me."
She lowers her leg and moves close to him once more, wrapping her fingers in his shirt she hauls him down so that there are face to face.
"You lead them to me and I kill you, remember?"
She kisses him again, letting it linger just a little bit longer.
"Mmm," she says smiling up at him. "I don't think I'm ready for that yet."
She punches him in the gut and he doubles over. "But don't you think for a second that I won't."
He grunts through the pain and manages to give her a nod of acceptance.
"Wicked," she says. "Now get going I don't have all night."
***
When he walks into the library everyone automatically stops what they're doing. All eyes stare at him intently and he feels slightly awkward. Angel is there now and Cordelia is still there, so the apology can be somewhat heartfelt. He looks to all of them briefly before stumbling into it. He assures them again that he's not possessed by anything. It's just been a strange couple of months for him. He didn't go into how exactly strange it has been, enough things have happened in front of them so they can guess enough on their own. He says he's sorry to Buffy, jokes with Willow and tells her that it's just that time of the month for him, to which she smiles and for a second it seems that all is well with them. He tells Giles that it's just some adolescent aggression and that he just blew his fuse. The older man understands, knowing quite a bit about adolescent aggression himself. He ignores Wesley and Angel completely and moves to Cordelia. He feels so fake saying he's sorry to her, to them. Because he knows he's not. Still, he takes her hand to which she reluctantly accepts and he pulls her aside.
He tells her that he's sorry he hurt her so badly. Something he's almost tired of saying. He'd done it many times before and she hadn't cared for it. He thinks that this time he might actually get through to her. He says that he's sorry he roughed her up like that to which a witty cut came out of her mouth but she takes it back instantly. He goes on a few minutes longer and he's not exactly sure what he's saying. But it must be making some sense because she's nodding and agreeing with all the rotten things he's done. He finally runs out of things to say and says he's sorry again. She accepts and for another day all is right in the world. Their world anyway.
When they join the others Cordy grabs her things and leaves and everyone asks if they made their peace and he tells them yes and they smile at him. He looks at all of these people he's known for so long and realizes that he doesn't belong here anymore. He's changed. In a way that they would not accept. Still, he keeps the charade up for Faith's sake. He doesn't care what happens to him any longer.
They ask him to stay a little while, and actually make a comment about him being away so much lately. So he makes lame jokes about finding himself and they seem to accept that. They research some more about a new nest of demons sprung up in their fair town. His eyes grow blurry from so much text and he finds himself wandering through the stacks pretending to look for more books. Angel magically appears next to him and he jumps and yells at him not to do that. The vampire looks at him calmly and Xander can tell his intentions were not just to scare him. His eyes speak of knowledge.
"I admit to taking you for many things Xander," he says. "But a liar isn't one of them."
He stares at the undead creature he's come to hate so much and adds another reason to this. He slams the book he was glancing at and asks what he's talking about. Angel merely shrugs and says he can tell there's something up.
"I can smell it all over you," he goes on. "This gal must have quite a hold on you to turn you like this."
Xander smiles broadly when he realizes that Angel doesn't know exactly who the "gal's" scent is. He's fishing for information. The urge to just tell him is strong. It would almost be worth it to see the look on his face. The shock that he could actually bed a girl like Faith again, and continuously for that matter. That he could keep sleeping with her knowing what she's done, whom she works for and not care. Angel is looking at him expectantly and the urge to tell the whole gang grows. He wants to show them how much he's changed. How there was nothing they could do about it.
"I know more than you ever could about the price of darkness Xander," he says. "Oh it may be thrilling now. The power, the freedom. The bounds of society no linger applying to you. It makes you feel so strong. I know it's all fun and games at first but eventually it'll all catch up to you. You don't want to pay that price Xander. When it all comes crashing down and there's no one there to stand by your side. You'll be all alone begging for forgiveness that won't be granted. You're a good kid. Don't go down the hard road."
He throws his hands up in a gesture asking if he was done to which Angel stared at him coldly.
"You betray them Xander and I'll kill you myself."
He wants to scream at the vampire about betrayal. He'd betrayed them hadn't he? He'd tried to kill them plenty of times on the past and here was lecturing him about the price of true evil? He wants the throw the hypocrisy right back in his face. Instead he smiles calmly at the vampire and bows his head in a mock gesture before turning and walking away from him. He knows that the vampire won't tell anyone else about what he said. He sits back down at the table with the rest of the gang and he feels Angel's eyes on him. He ignores him. He plans to see his raven haired slayer later tonight and smiles softly to himself. He won't tell Angel about Faith and he won't tell the others. It makes him feel good to have this double life. It makes him feel special.
And besides...
Secrets were turning out to be so much fun.
Author: Lint
Email: [email protected]
Pairing: Faith/Xander.
Disclaimer: All Buffy folk belong to Joss, Mutant Enemy, and UPN.
Rating: R
Summary: Continues from "The Good Kind of Wicked."
***
Their third encounter was a flash of heat.
The actual event itself was a mix of passion, release, and desire. He has plenty of time to process what was happening during the event. She bucks wildly underneath him as he pumps into her, screaming and moaning into his ear. Harder, faster, she demands. His forehead is beaded with sweat, his hips rocking rhythmically. His eyes travel over every inch of her body, his hands hold firmly on her hips. Her cries fill the nicely furnished apartment, his own low moans echoing her. He lets his mind record of every second of it. Every touch, every taste, every sensation. Faith had offered herself to him and he accepted. A decision he knows he won't regret.
It lasted hours. A shining beacon of light on the world's memory screen.
He's glad it happened again.
***
Faith is walking around the apartment with nothing on and for the first time he takes a moment to admire just how nice her new place is. He thinks that working for the mayor definitely has its perks. He lies on the bed, the sheets torn off long ago, with his arms behind his head. He lets himself relax and smile that he'd slept with Faith for a third time. He's sure that that must be a record. For a girl whose motto is "get some and get gone" three times has to be an achievement of some kind.
She wanders back to the bed and throws herself next to him. She gives him that wicked grin he loves so much and he smiles back at her. Grabbing him forcefully behind the head she crushes her lips to his and pushes him away just as quickly. He laughs lightly. She could be such a tease when she wanted.
"Hate to say it," she says rolling onto her back. "But I think you've got me hooked."
He turns on his side to look at her and she just throws her hand at him.
"Don't let the ego blow up on you yet," she says. "You're a good fuck, but you're not good for much else."
He laughs and lies on his back once more. She could insult him however she wanted to and he would no longer care. He's not surprised anymore at just how apathetic he has become. It is something he's come to terms with. He closes his eyes and thinks briefly of drifting off to sleep when he feels her straddle him. Her hands crawl up his chest and he thinks that she wants to go again when he feels her hands close on his neck. His eyes shoot open and he grabs at her wrists not wanting to be choked like he had been before.
"You tell anyone where my new place is and I'll kill you," she says sweetly before releasing her hands and leaning forward to lie on top of him. "Tell anyone of your little friends and I'll kill you got it? What you and I do is none of their business, understand?
He nods as her tongue runs briefly over his lips.
"We need a stealthy operation here. Otherwise it's no fun. Get me?"
He nods and runs his hands through her hair. He loves the feel of it against his fingers, so soft and silky. He loves that she is lying on top of him in this cushy apartment. He loves knowing that he's not supposed to be here. He loves knowing that this is wrong.
She starts to kiss him again and they eagerly make their way into round four.
***
A nuclear bomb exploding in front of the school wouldn't erode the aura of confidence he feels around himself as he moves through the halls of Sunnydale High. He walks with his head held high, takes time to admire a few girls who pass him by and look at him curiously. He feels a sense of power he hasn't felt since becoming a hyena. He likes how it feels. Faith's influence over him has moved to his articles of clothing as well. She herself wears a lot of black, and now, so does he. None of his friends seemed to notice the change in wardrobe but he thinks that they wouldn't notice if he pierced his nose and dyed his hair green. Maybe a month ago he'd be hurt by it all, but their complete ignorance to his existence has its bonuses. The fact that they don't notice means that they don't ask questions. And if they don't ask questions, he doesn't have to lie. It's an easy way to get along. He stops by his locker to get a book he needs for Chemistry when Cordelia and her cronies pass him by. She shoots him a withering look and he rolls his eyes at her. He knows she doesn't like the small sigh of disrespect because she starts in to insult his way of dressing and stops dead when she sees that she can't do that either. Finally she gives up and her friends look on as she storms away without waiting for them to follow. He smiles to himself when he notices a couple of them take a second to look him over. He walks to class feeling good for the umpteenth time this morning.
The day goes by the usual way. He goes to class, then the library, then class, then lunch, then class, and then the library again. Giles and Buffy are still dismayed by Faith's betrayal and Willow keeps saying there was a reason why she didn't like her. He knows why she didn't like Faith. He smirks to himself but keeps his mouth shut about it. Books are stacked on the main table and he occasionally glances at a few of them. No one says anything about his being quiet today. Either they've grown used to it already or they just don't care. He assumes the latter.
Wesley is there today and Xander readily ignores him. It's not that hard too; everyone else seems to do so seamlessly. The younger British watcher starts into a mild rant about tracking Faith down and Xander feels himself tense just slightly. A small thrill of the simple fact that he knows something they don't runs through him. He knows he'll do anything to keep them away from her now. He's not sure exactly how far he'll go, and it's not something he wants to try out just yet. He's not exactly sure about the way to go when it comes to such things. Faith has told him that being bad is just something that comes naturally. You know something is wrong and you just don't care. He doesn't think he's reached that way of thinking, but it might come along eventually. No big loss either way.
Buffy is going to patrol tonight and Giles and Wesley will accompany her. Willow says she has a date with Oz. They look at him briefly and he says that he's just going to stay at home tonight. They have no problem with it. He's not the least bit surprised. They stay inside for a few hours more and when the sun sets Willow is gone and he gets up to go to Faith's when Buffy offers to walk him home. He begins to insist that he can make it on his own but she won't have any of it. The urge to tell her to fuck off rises but he quells it as much as he can. He gives in and lets her walk him home.
Once on his porch he says thank you and walks inside. She asks if he's been okay lately. He asks what she means. She says that's she noticed how distant he's been lately, and was he feeling all right? He's almost unsure of what do. He had thought that they had just stopped paying attention to him completely. He smiles and makes a lame joke and she smiles back and is gone. Another bullet dodged.
He gives her enough time to make it off his street when he goes back outside. To his surprise Faith is at the end of his walkway. He smiles and walks up to her. He asks what she's doing here and she tells him that he saw her and B leave the school. She was going there to get him, sneaking around the campus gave her a mild thrill she said. Knowing her enemies were so close. He doesn't like to term enemies too much but there is nothing he can do about it. He keeps his mouth shut.
They go back to her place.
Their fifth encounter is just as wild as the others were. He wouldn't have it any other way. He falls asleep in her bed and for once in his life feels no fear at the consequences of his actions. He's not panicking about what the others would say or do about his affair with the rogue slayer. He's merely thinking how nice it is to rest next to her after fucking each other senseless. For the second time with her he feels free.
***
School passes by again with nothing of real interest happening. No world ending threat, no monsters on parade. Just another research session. One that he didn't feel like participating in. He starts to go home when he runs into Cordelia just near the front doors of the school building. Once again she tries to tear him down with a barrage of lame insults and jabs. He ignores her easily but today she doesn't seem to want to quit. Her friends are nowhere to be seen and he wonders just whom she's putting this show on for. Besides the janitor nearly fifty feet away no one could see her making fun of him. She goes on about his change in attitude and dress. Says it's a pathetic attempt to win a place in the kingdom of cool. She's said this to him before, when he had his Uncle's car. It was a waste of breath then as it is now. He grows tired of the endless sea of words flowing from her mouth. He thinks of what Faith might do in a situation like this. He smiles calmly at Cordelia when he realizes the answer. She folds her arms and waits for him to respond.
"Shut up," He says simply.
Her tongue clicks inside her mouth and she blinks at him for a second and seems dazed at the simple verbal slap.
"Excuse me?" She explodes. "Did you just tell me to...?"
He shakes his head against another verbal burst and roughly grabs her arms and slams her into a row of lockers.
"I said shut up," he growls.
Her eyes grow wide at his use of force, but for once she does as she's told. She stares at him intensely. What she sees is not the uber loser she constantly mocked since he had hurt so badly, or the mildly charming guy she'd once dated. She doesn't know who he is at this moment. And for the first time in her life she's actually scared of Xander Harris. After a few moments when it seems like she's not going to say anything more, he lets her go. He glares at her briefly before stalking off feeling most pleased with himself. He knows that right now she's probably running to library to tell the others. She probably thinks he's possessed or something. He knows that there's not a chance in hell that Cordelia Chase would think he could do her any harm otherwise. He smiles. Once outside he makes sure no one is running after him from inside the school. He walks all the way to Faith's whistling.
The next day he gets the reaction he expected. When he walks into the library Cordelia is there and she won't even look up at him. Buffy, Willow, and Giles seem to be tip toeing around him, a few quick glances, and a slight stumble of words. And Wesley wisely didn't say or do anything. They ask him why he did what he did and what could he possibly have been thinking? He loses his temper pretty quickly. Of course he was possessed. He couldn't possibly just tire of Cordy's constant jabs and take that extra step to make her stop. Willow barely looked at him. He's pretty sure she was thinking of the hyena incident. He thinks that she's afraid she's next on his list of attacks. If only she knew he wouldn't even bother.
Giles and Wesley ask him if he's performed any rituals as of late, or if he's been around any. He thinks it's a ridiculous question to be asked and gives them a short answer. They don't seemed very pleased with it. He rolls his eyes. He tells them that no; he hasn't been possessed by anything. He doesn't know any witches that would do any sort of bad spell and that maybe for once he had just done something that got some results. None of them look very happy to hear this either and he turns and walks out. The steaming urge to run to Faith courses through his system. He knows that she will understand.
He's about half way down the hall when he hears his name being shouted. He chooses to ignore it and keeps walking but it grows louder and moves nearer.
"Xander!"
He feels a hand clamp onto his shoulder and he knows immediately that its Buffy. He asks her what she wants; his voice cold and clipped. She stands firm and he knows he doesn't get to leave until she says what she has to say.
"When Cordelia came into the library yesterday saying you'd physically shoved her I didn't believe it," she says.
He shrugs. A gesture that almost makes her lose her patience.
"That doesn't sound like you Xander," she says in a softer tone.
He really doesn't want to have this conversation right now. He feels her eyes on him as he turns to look at the doors at the end of the hall, wanting to escape. He knows that she's fighting the urge to yell at him. He turns back to her and shrugs again. What comes out of his mouth next nearly causes her to slap him.
"It made her stop talking;" he says and turns to walk away ignoring her angry calls after him. When he reaches the doors he looks back at her retreating form and he snorts. If she was really so concerned she wouldn't have let him leave. He backs out of the doors when an unseen force grabs him from behind and shoves him toward the utility closet. Once inside he turns with his fists raised expecting some asshole that chose today of all days to pick on him. He lets his fist drop when he sees that it's Faith and he smiles at her but she doesn't reciprocate.
"Pretty sloppy there boy-toy," she says moving closer to him. "You don't want them to think there's something different with you," she says trailing her fingers up and down his chest. "That you've been corrupted by outside influences..." She trails off throwing her arms around his neck and shoves her tongue down his throat.
The passion between them escalates as it always does and he pulls at them hem of her shirt, but she throws him against the wall.
"Uh uh," she says. "Not here. Not until you go to Daphne and the rest of the gang and make good."
He asks her what exactly he has to make good about and she thrusts out her leg, her foot stopping mere centimeters from his face.
"Because," she says firmly. "You know how they work. If they think there's something different about you they'll just assume foul play. If they assume foul play they'll start following you around. They start following you around; you lead them to me."
She lowers her leg and moves close to him once more, wrapping her fingers in his shirt she hauls him down so that there are face to face.
"You lead them to me and I kill you, remember?"
She kisses him again, letting it linger just a little bit longer.
"Mmm," she says smiling up at him. "I don't think I'm ready for that yet."
She punches him in the gut and he doubles over. "But don't you think for a second that I won't."
He grunts through the pain and manages to give her a nod of acceptance.
"Wicked," she says. "Now get going I don't have all night."
***
When he walks into the library everyone automatically stops what they're doing. All eyes stare at him intently and he feels slightly awkward. Angel is there now and Cordelia is still there, so the apology can be somewhat heartfelt. He looks to all of them briefly before stumbling into it. He assures them again that he's not possessed by anything. It's just been a strange couple of months for him. He didn't go into how exactly strange it has been, enough things have happened in front of them so they can guess enough on their own. He says he's sorry to Buffy, jokes with Willow and tells her that it's just that time of the month for him, to which she smiles and for a second it seems that all is well with them. He tells Giles that it's just some adolescent aggression and that he just blew his fuse. The older man understands, knowing quite a bit about adolescent aggression himself. He ignores Wesley and Angel completely and moves to Cordelia. He feels so fake saying he's sorry to her, to them. Because he knows he's not. Still, he takes her hand to which she reluctantly accepts and he pulls her aside.
He tells her that he's sorry he hurt her so badly. Something he's almost tired of saying. He'd done it many times before and she hadn't cared for it. He thinks that this time he might actually get through to her. He says that he's sorry he roughed her up like that to which a witty cut came out of her mouth but she takes it back instantly. He goes on a few minutes longer and he's not exactly sure what he's saying. But it must be making some sense because she's nodding and agreeing with all the rotten things he's done. He finally runs out of things to say and says he's sorry again. She accepts and for another day all is right in the world. Their world anyway.
When they join the others Cordy grabs her things and leaves and everyone asks if they made their peace and he tells them yes and they smile at him. He looks at all of these people he's known for so long and realizes that he doesn't belong here anymore. He's changed. In a way that they would not accept. Still, he keeps the charade up for Faith's sake. He doesn't care what happens to him any longer.
They ask him to stay a little while, and actually make a comment about him being away so much lately. So he makes lame jokes about finding himself and they seem to accept that. They research some more about a new nest of demons sprung up in their fair town. His eyes grow blurry from so much text and he finds himself wandering through the stacks pretending to look for more books. Angel magically appears next to him and he jumps and yells at him not to do that. The vampire looks at him calmly and Xander can tell his intentions were not just to scare him. His eyes speak of knowledge.
"I admit to taking you for many things Xander," he says. "But a liar isn't one of them."
He stares at the undead creature he's come to hate so much and adds another reason to this. He slams the book he was glancing at and asks what he's talking about. Angel merely shrugs and says he can tell there's something up.
"I can smell it all over you," he goes on. "This gal must have quite a hold on you to turn you like this."
Xander smiles broadly when he realizes that Angel doesn't know exactly who the "gal's" scent is. He's fishing for information. The urge to just tell him is strong. It would almost be worth it to see the look on his face. The shock that he could actually bed a girl like Faith again, and continuously for that matter. That he could keep sleeping with her knowing what she's done, whom she works for and not care. Angel is looking at him expectantly and the urge to tell the whole gang grows. He wants to show them how much he's changed. How there was nothing they could do about it.
"I know more than you ever could about the price of darkness Xander," he says. "Oh it may be thrilling now. The power, the freedom. The bounds of society no linger applying to you. It makes you feel so strong. I know it's all fun and games at first but eventually it'll all catch up to you. You don't want to pay that price Xander. When it all comes crashing down and there's no one there to stand by your side. You'll be all alone begging for forgiveness that won't be granted. You're a good kid. Don't go down the hard road."
He throws his hands up in a gesture asking if he was done to which Angel stared at him coldly.
"You betray them Xander and I'll kill you myself."
He wants to scream at the vampire about betrayal. He'd betrayed them hadn't he? He'd tried to kill them plenty of times on the past and here was lecturing him about the price of true evil? He wants the throw the hypocrisy right back in his face. Instead he smiles calmly at the vampire and bows his head in a mock gesture before turning and walking away from him. He knows that the vampire won't tell anyone else about what he said. He sits back down at the table with the rest of the gang and he feels Angel's eyes on him. He ignores him. He plans to see his raven haired slayer later tonight and smiles softly to himself. He won't tell Angel about Faith and he won't tell the others. It makes him feel good to have this double life. It makes him feel special.
And besides...
Secrets were turning out to be so much fun.