Why hello my fellow Gee lovers! This is my first fic based on these books so please be gentle with me, I tried me best to get her voice right :D
Disclaimer: none of these characters are mine. I wish they were, but that's the way the PANTS crumble.
Set directly after 'Stop in the name of pants' so will contain spoilers if you have not read that yet.
Any way, enough wittering – here it goes.
Sunday September 18th
My room
12:36 AM
Once again my eyes are all swollen up like mice eyes because I can't stop crying. It's a sheer desperadoes situation. I can't stop blubbing.
1 minute later
Has he dumped me?
30 Seconds later
Maybe I should have run after him like the lunatic I am but then again if boys are like gazelles that would have spooked him. I'd have needed a tranquilliser gun.
2 minutes later
Fantastic, then I would have been arrested.
1 minute later
Or he might have hit me with his handbag. Shut up brain and Dave the tart shutupshutupshutup!
Crack of dawn
9:30 AM
Must of crashed out as woke up with my cheeks black from last nights mascara. Do I care though? Non. I shall stay like this for always, panda woman, the only mouldy éclair in the cake shop of love.
9:32 AM
Libby came and snuggled up beside me, throwing cross eyed Gordy on my bed. I wouldn't have minded except for the fact he was covered in foundation.
"Poor gingey, poor gingey…"
"Bibbs why is Gordy covered in make-up?"
She just looked at me and gave me her crazy cross eyed smile saying, "He liiiiikes it!"
Oh good grief.
10:57 AM
All aloney on my owney as the loons have left for a day of fun at granddad's home. Mutti came up to my bedroom to try and get me to go saying "Come on Gee it will be fun!"
Yes, yes of course it will be. I can't think of anything better than watching granddad accidentally setting fire to the curtains with his pipe every five minutes. Anyway, I am too depressed to go out. The luuuurve God may or may not have dumped me, like a wrapper from the burger of love. I am a burger wrapper doomed to spinsterism for eternity. Just because I did the twist with Dave the Laugh.
1 minute later
Merde.
1:07 PM
Phone rang.
" Doomed spinster at your service"
"Gee?"
Radio Jas phoning again.
"Jas, if you are phoning to gloat about my red - bottomosity I'm not listening."
"Has he dumped you then?"
Tactful as ever fringey.
1 hour later.
Jazzy spazzy was actually nice to me, trying to pull me out of my bed of pain. She said "There are plenty more jammy dodgers in the shops." Is she suggesting I eat myself to death?
2:10 PM
I would try it except in pure selfishnosity Mutti and Vati have eaten what little nutrition there was left in the house.
2:13 PM
Oh I tell a lie, there's half a can of baked beans left.
2:15 PM
Door bell. Tough, panda girl does not open the door for anyone. They can stay there for all of eternity, she does not care!
2:16 PM
Door bell again. Honestly some people are just so self involved. Can't they see I'm mourning the loss of the love of my life?
1 minute later
Once, twice and thrice more the doorbell AGAIN!
So in a fit of madnosity I opened the door, and found Dave standing there, holding chockies in one hand and shower cap in the other.
"Hey Kittykat! I just came to see ho- Jesus Christ almighty, what in the name of PANTS happened to your face? Has Libby attacked you felt tips again?"
2 minutes later
Bugger bugger pant pant up the stairs to the bathroom. Mascara cleared and panda girl is no more but only have time for that natural look (mascara , lipgloss, foundation, touch of blusher).
3 minutes later
Skirt or trousers? Skirt or trousers? As Billy Shakespeare so wisely said that is the question.
1 minute later
Skirt.
30 seconds later
No trousers
1 minute later
No defo skirt. Must take advantage of the orang-utan gene being absent for once.
30 seconds later
Merde. Caught sight of myself in the mirror to discover that my nose has swelled up to twice it's normal size because of all my crying. I only hope Dave likes the 'flushed idiot because she scrubbed half her face off with a conk the size of Argentina' look in a girl. Wait, why do I care what Dave thinks anyway? Shut up brain.
2 : 25 PM
Came down stairs to find Dave wrestling with Angus again. He sort of looked up at me and smiled in a nice dazed way, like he'd just woken up. Mmmmmm. He is vair vair groovy looking, and I do love him. But strictly in the matey sort of way. Probably
"Your cat's eating my trousers." He said.
"Hnnnnnngh." Marvellous, I've lost the ability to speak.
He just looked at me and said "I just came to see how you were after last nights er, fisticuffs at dawn fiasco. I bought chockies with me and if you give me a quick snog I may even give you one."
Cheeky cat. Normally I would have duffed him up for that but instead I just burst into tears. He did a mad little jig over to me and hugged me really hard, whispering "It's OK pet, it's OK. You're gonna have to stop crying though, as I fear your nose may explode if it swells up anymore." It was only when he pulled away from me I noticed he was wearing the shower cap.
" Dave, why in the name of PANTS are you wearing a shower cap?"
"They said it was going to rain today."
Of course.
Monday September 19th
In RE
Thank baby Jesus this is the last lesson of the day. Not even RoRo's fake beard in assembly could cheer me up today. I've got the collywobbles about leaving school in case the luuuurve God is there. I haven't heard from him since Saturday when he stormed off with the massive humpty dumpty on me. Even Jas was being nice to me, wrapping up the last half of her jammy dodger. So to show her how much it meant I sent a note back saying, Thankyou vair much mon pally, I shall treasure this forever. You know what I got back. Well if you're not going to take it seriously I won't bother next time. Charming.
3:30 PM
Bell. Oh God, oh God, oh Goddy God God! What if he's there? I said to Rosi " What if he's there?" She said " May the nungas be with you."
Outside
Rushed outside like a loon to find a massive crowd of people by the school gates in a sort of circle. And I mean MASSIVE, chock full of Fox wood lads. Still, I do not care, for I am in heart-break hotel, and full of maturiosity. I am eschewing those fools with a firm hand.
1 minute later
Ran into the circle with Mabs, RoRo, Jools and Jas. Who was in the middle of it? Masimo. Who was with him? Dave. Of course – Merde.
Jas turned to me and looked very intelligent with her gold fish impression and Rosie, Mabs and Jools just stood there behind us like fools with berets on.
Then Masimo shouted at Dave " OK, let's do this properly now." He was quite literally ballisiticisimus, doing that weird wiggling of the fingers thing like they do in those crap martial arts movie things. Dave just grinned and said "ooh the handbags are out after all."
Donner and Blizten and PANTS, it was happening again. So with Jas I got in the middle of them (again) and said " come on guys this is just…" with Jas nodding like a nodding thing next to me.
Dave looked at me and grinned, saying " better get out the way ladeez, I think your boyfriend might start trying to batter me with his hairbrush in a sec."
Gadzooks alors!
Home, in my bed of pain
9:51 PM
Why is the world full of such poonosity?
1 minute later
I'm completely and utterly tuckered out after the fisticuffs at dawn fandango today, but can't sleep. I may never sleep again. I will be shark on land, except better looking… Hopefully.
2 minutes later
I think I'm now officially dumped by the luuurve God, seeing as my so called mate Dave decided to sit on his head and pin him to the ground. I must admit, very impressive seeing as neither of them are exactly small.
1 minute later
And at least RoRo had a good time pretending to commentate, though I don't know why she had to wear fake eyebrows and boy entrancers to do it. I turned and I said to her " Rosie, why are you donning boy entrancers and fake eyebrows?" She said " Why not?" Good point, well made.
10:00 PM
It was, in all the dramanosity, quite exciting, but even though they were fighting over me it didn't make me feel special or good. It made me feel crap beyond belief actually. As soon as jazzy spazzy and I were out of the circle Dave started doing his Mr T impression, jumping up and down on the spot holding his hands up like he was Amir Khan shouting " I pity the fool, I pity the fool!" It very almost had me in stitches laughing until Masimo took a swing and Dave fell on the floor. Still, he must have a very hard head because within seconds he was up again shouting " I aint going on no plane sucker!" before launching himself on top of the Italian stallion and sitting on his head.
10:03 PM
In fact, he only got off of him when Slim came outside to investigate why there was a huge circle of Foxwood lads shouting "Fight fight fight". She came up to us and Dave said "Ah good morning officer, what appears to be the problem?" He is, as often pointed out completely mad.
She said ( very) stupidly "Have you been fighting David?" (how in the name of panyhose does she know his name?) To which he responded, "No madam, my lip just decided to explode and leak blood everywhere." I swear she had a nervy B when he said that (it was jelloid chin city) which was vair vair amusing, before Slim began 'leading' him into his school's office across the road. Then Masimo just got up and looked at me like he did on Saturday, his yellow cat eyes just really… sad, before he walked away, leaving me standing there with Jas, RoRo and the other loons.
10:07 PM
Triple poo and merde. What ever next?
So what did you think? If it's any good I'll go ahead with the next chappy. :D