A/N: My very first iCarly piece. Getting into her head was pretty easy. I already hated Jonah. And I love Carly and Sam, they're great characters. Anyway, International Day of Femslash continues with this little tidbit. Though it's really blink-and-you-miss-it femslash.

Disclaimer: I do not own iCarly. I'm not anywhere near clever enough to write for that show…I think it's because of my odd sense of humor.

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I hate him. I hate him. I hate him.

He isn't funny. He isn't cute. He isn't nice. What does she see in him? He's not worth her time. Not worth anyone's time. The rat. Stealing my fruit kebobs. Ruining Spencer's film. Texting her all the time. What is his deal?

Why does she even like him? It doesn't make any sense. She laughs even when I can tell she doesn't think the joke is funny, why would she do that? She can't find him that attractive. I mean, he looks like a little weasel. All scrawny and stupid looking.

And that laugh! Ugh! It's just awful. He sounds like…like a choking squirrel! Stupid Jonah. And stupid Sam for liking him. She shouldn't like him. He's totally not good enough for her. Thinking he's a gift to girls everywhere…well, he's not. Too bad we can't return him. The pig.

Wait, hang on. Did she just call him 'Cupcake'? Oh no, she couldn't have. That's one of the nicknames she uses for me. It's mine. He can't have it. This has to stop. He needs to be gone. He and his nickname fruit kebob stealing ways!

But he does seem to make her happy. And I do want her to be happy. I don't want him hanging around all the time though. His ideas are dumb and he keeps distracting Sam with his…with his distracting ways and dumb ideas! Ugh.

And she's calling him 'Cupcake'! My nickname…mine. He's taking Sam away from me. This can't happen. She's mine. She's been mine since we were eight and fought over my sandwich. My best friend, my abrasive and aggressive best friend, my…balance.

But he makes her happy. Well, I can't split them up; I wouldn't do that to Sam. But I can tell Jonah to back off and keep out of my apartment.

Wait, did he just hit on me? Lips! Lips coming toward me! Bad! Very bad! No, I don't want to spend more time with you Jonah the sleaze! Thank goodness I escaped. Sleazeball! Scum! NUB!! He's even more awful than I thought!

Freddie. I have to tell Freddie. He'll help me figure out what do. Did he just call me his? That's right, correct yourself. Never gonna happen Fredward. I know we can't tell her, but what am I supposed to do. She'll get hurt when she finds out what a skeez he is anyway, but I guess it doesn't have to come from me. We've still got a show to do.

She wants to wedgie bounce him? She wants to wedgie bounce him! Oh thank goodness, I didn't have to tell her! She knows. Wait, she knows. Oh god, she must be hurting. He was her first happy relationship and to have it end like this…Aww.

I hope the wedgie bounce helps her get over his duplicity. But now we can go back to our usual dynamics. Sam and me, spending every waking moment together without stupid Jonah getting in the way of my Sam-time. Much better.

"Hey, Cupcake. Let's go for smoothies."

All is right with the world.

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A/N: That's it for this one. Short and sweet. Leave a thought for me.