Chapter 3

Confessions and Coffins

A.N.: Thanks so much for reviewing guys! I'll keep the chapters coming as long as you still want them, so keep reviewing. I'm always open to suggestions so really tell me what you think. THANKS! Oh, and I don't own Twilight or any of the Twilight characters.

I held the diary in my hand for a long time before I decided to read it. It was wrong, yes, I understand that, but I was curious to know what was going through the mind of the tall, brooding vampire on a day-to-day basis. The first couple entries were all within the last year, so I flipped to the very back to read the most recent, but had to stop after I realized that most of the entry was about me.

Tuesday the 18th

Today Alice had a vision about Bella. I could feel her tension as I watched her face change from one of bliss (We were shopping at the time) to one of horror. She wouldn't tell me what she saw at first, but I managed to persuade her. She said that she saw ME killing Bella in the hospital. She said that I would be too weak to resist and that Bella would have recovered if it wasn't for my presence there. I'm fairly sure that she knows the truth, and Alice, honey, if you are seeing me write this right now, then I guess you will know now anyway. Edward thinks that he is the only one who is affected by Bella's blood, but it haunts me too. More than any other thing there has ever been. I know I have been weak around humans before, but this is much different. So many times I have come close to slipping up and killing her and no one has yet noticed. Her birthday party was one thing. That was obvious, but other than that, I think I have been fairly good. I'm glad that sometimes I can block Edward's mind-reading abilities, because otherwise he would never trust me again, but I can't help myself. Almost every second of every day, I think of her. Her blood, warm and rich, flowing steadily through her veins. Her pulse sending bursts of scent towards me with every breath. It makes me nervous just thinking about it. I worry. I don't want to hurt Bella. Edward is so much happier with her around, and when other people are happy, so am I. I wouldn't be able to live around Edward if he didn't have her, but sometimes I feel myself just plotting her demise. I'm worried I'm losing my mind. I am a monster. Honestly, I like Bella, but I wouldn't have too many qualms about killing her. The problem is my family. Even if I hated Bella I wouldn't be able to kill her. They would never forgive me.

I couldn't read any further than that. My hands slipped and the book fell to the floor with a dull thud. I didn't notice that Edward was standing in the doorway. He's speed and ability to be virtually noiselessly made it a lot easier for him to sneak up on me than I thought. He saw the book fall, and quickly replaced it on the shelf and looked beseechingly around the room. His eyes were narrowed in confusion.

His face still carried rings around his dark eyes. I had assumed that he was hunting up until that moment, but was now sorely disappointed. Didn't he know how dangerous it was to go without satiating his thirst? I mentally scolded him, but was incapable of doing more than that. Edward ambled slowly out of the room, and I internally winced. I was hurting him with all of this haunting stuff. I needed to stop making mistakes like this.

I followed him and watched as he collapsed on the couch in his room. He looked oddly frail and my heart swelled with the urge to touch his face. I wanted to make it better, but I could do nothing. It was killing me.

"Bella," He said and I could practically feel my heart accelerating. "I don't know what to do, Bella." He continued. "I love you and I want to be with you for forever, but I don't want this life for you. You deserve so much better than me."

I shook my head in silent denial, but he continued on anyway. Obviously talking to himself rather than addressing me.

"You are my life, and without you I have nothing. But I can't take away your life just because I don't have one of my own. I won't damn you just because I love you. It's not fair. I can't do this. I can't make this decision. I won't take your soul to save your life but I can't let you die. Why? Why did this have to happen? I left you for a reason Bella. I left so that you would have something else to live for. Why did you have to jump off a cliff? It doesn't make any sense. It doesn't make ANY sense at all Bella."

I couldn't take the agony anymore, and although I knew the gesture was in vain, I still tried to wrap my arms around his body and hug him close to me.

"I feel like you are here sometimes Bella. Like you are standing right next to me, and I just can't see you. What do you want me to do Bella? I can't let you die, but I can't make you live. There are no options."

My arms closed on empty air. They couldn't make contact. I was expecting that, but there was still pain there. I reached up to stroke his face, but my fingers went right through.

"I can't do this Bella. I can't. I can't see you and I can't stay away. I'm not good for you, but you are good for me. I wish I'd never met you. It would have been far better for you never to have been near me. What twist of fate has brought us together only to be torn violently apart like this?"

He was incapable of sitting still at this point. He wandered the house, going from room to room. When he reached the front room, he lingered by the piano. The words were still etched in the dust and as he passed he paused. Once again a look of confusion crossed his face and for a second I was sure that he looked straight at me.

I tried to speak, tried to make him realize that I was here, but nothing happened. Nothing worked. So I gave up. I let go and suddenly everything went black.

I heard people moving around me and I had no idea where I was. I felt uncomfortably stiff like I had been lying still for too many days. My bones and muscles ached, but I felt oddly numb. I couldn't breathe, and yet my lungs were still inflating. I couldn't be alive and yet my heart was still beating. It took me a while to realize that I should open my eyes, but they were too heavy and I didn't have the strength or energy. I attempted to focus on the voices I kept hearing around me, but there were too many people talking at once and I couldn't think straight. My mind was going in circles and I couldn't keep up with it. I couldn't think of the last thing that I thought was real, and I couldn't figure out where I was. But then, my mind suddenly broke through the smog and I remembered what had happened. Somehow, I was back in my body. The second I realized this, I began to distinguish the voices around me.

"It won't be long now, Carlisle," Alice whispered. "She should wake up in about 7 minutes."

"I don't like this Esme. How do you know it will work and not…" Edward trailed off, but his doubt was clear

I struggled with my heavy lids, and eventually won. My eyes opened to a strange sight. I was still in the hospital, but it was night. The room around me was dark, but I was not alone. The Cullens were there, in their entirety. Carlisle stood at my right, checking my blood pressure and reading the heart monitor. Edward sat nervously by the foot of my bed and Alice watched the door. Esme, Rosalie, Jasper, and Emmett stood in a corner, unsure of what to do. Edward was the first to notice my improved condition.

"Oh, Bella," was all Edward could say before he was right next to me. His hand was in mine and I felt at ease knowing that he was here now.

"Edward," I tried to say, but my speech was thick and hard to understand.

Esme made her way forward and patted my head nervously. "Let's not do that again now, shall we?" She said with a tight smile.

My answering smile was slow, but it came, and with it, the feeling back into my face.

"Alright, we don't have a lot of time, so we are going to have to move quickly if we want to do this right." Carlisle said, moving away from the machines that probably were a short while ago, keeping me alive. "Bella, we are going to take you home with us."

I needed no further explanation. Edward gazed at me beseechingly, so I just nodded and allowed him to pick me up and run with me as fast as he could through the closest emergency exit. The alarm sounded, but I wasn't worried. The others would be able to get out as easily as they had gotten in.

The rush of air felt so good around my face. It had been a long time since I had flown like this, and I missed the sensation. Edward seemed very tense, but there was nothing I could do to alleviate that. By the time I had thought about the fact that we were moving, we were at his house, and the others were already waiting.

Edward's room had been transformed into a giant, lavishly decorated, hospital room of sorts. There was a huge bed, which looked much more comfortable than the one I was previously occupying, but there was also familiar machinery around the room. The same ones had decorated the room in the hospital where I had stayed for so long. Their soft beeping brought back unpleasant memories. The Cullens were all standing already in the room. Alice was bent over; a pained expression on her face that clearly portrayed the fact that she was having a vision. In seconds she straightened up and attempted a smile, but the look was hollow and didn't extend to her eyes.

"What's going on?" I finally asked. I was afraid. After so long of not being able to do anything, every movement seemed so strange. I was used to being ignored and being the spectator, now I was the spectacle and all eyes were on me.

"Bella, you just got out of a coma. If you'd still like to join our family, we would like to turn you into a vampire." Carlisle said, his smile bright, but wary.

"What?" Edward snapped. "Why can't we leave her human? She came out of the coma didn't she? She's going to be alright. We don't have to do this."

"Edward, she'll be back in the coma before long," Esme piped up from the corner of the room. The eyes darted from me to her, not understanding her words.

Edward locked eyes with her for a second and understood, but the others still had no idea.

"Well, Bella I guess I have to explain to you first what the others already know. Earlier this year, I made a discovery. Originally, we thought that the only ones in the family with extra talents were Edward, Jasper, and Alice, but very recently, I have discovered that I too have an extra ability. It seems that I can control the health of others around me. It does little to vampires because we don't get sick, but the couple of times I have visited Carlisle at the hospital, people around me get well, and I figured out that I can control it. When I heard you where in the coma, I had to find a way to help you, so I focused and used my powers to allow you to wake up. What we didn't know was the effect this has on me. It drains my power and makes me incredibly weak. I think eventually, it may even kill me. I can only keep you awake for so long before my power fades and I can't help you anymore. You should have died originally, and not lasted this long, but I've been working to keep you alive. Our family needs you, and we can't let you go yet." She broke off and looked at her oldest son. "Edward, we have to do this. If we don't change her, she'll die. There is no other option."

"Fine, but I want to be the one to do it," Edward said, stepping forward.

I was too scared to move. On the one hand, this was everything that I had ever wanted, but on the other, I was terrified of the pain. I could still feel the fire burning through my veins in my nightmares, and I absentmindedly traced the scar on my hand. I would endure that for Edward though. Life wasn't worth living without him. I nodded mutely, afraid that my voice would betray my fear.

"We can't do this yet!" Emmett interjected. "How are we going to explain her disappearance to the hospital? What are they going to think?" For the first time in a long time, I really looked at Emmett. He looked bulkier than I remembered, but I suppose that as because I hadn't seen him in such a long time. He, like everyone else, looked tired and thirsty. At that thought, my eyes inadvertently flashed to Jasper, but he was looking towards the floor.

"It's not important," Alice said. "There is no way it can be traced back to us. Why should we worry about it?"

"Charlie," I said softly.

"Yeah Alice, what is Charlie going to think? That his comatose daughter just got up and walked away?" Emmett shot back

"We'll fake her death. It won't be hard," Carlisle said. His eyes too were trained on the floor, and I wondered what desperate measures they would take to ensure that my father had some sort of closure. 

"We'll do it tonight. Bella, get some rest and Edward will change you first thing tomorrow. Edward go hunt. You'll need to prepare. Emmett and Jasper, come with me. Rose take care of Esme. Alice, you stay with Bella." Carlisle barked the orders and swept out of the room followed closely by Jasper and Emmett.

Rosalie and Esme went quietly to a separate part of the house, and Alice cheerfully remained with me. I was glad to have a friend nearby, and Alice was always a great comfort to me.

"Good night Bella. I'm going to be right next door if you need me. Just give me a shout. I'll hear you," Alice announced, and she flounced off to her bedroom. I searched hastily through Edward's bottom dresser drawer and found my favorite ragged pair of gray sweatpants of his and traded them for the jeans that I had on. I slid into the bed and was asleep the second my head touched the pillow.

I awoke the next morning early. My head ached from the pain killers I was on and they made me feel a little dopey. I wandered out into the hallway and heard a loud banging sound coming from the basement.

"Hello?" I called out. I was a little unnerved by the lack of life around the Cullen's house. Normally I wasn't left alone under these kinds of circumstances.

I stumbled down the basement stairs and saw Jasper hard at work building something out of thick planks of wood.

"Oh, hey. What are you doing?" I asked him, puzzled by the sudden show of this new talent. I should have known. Of course Jasper could be a carpenter. The Cullens are good at EVERYTHING!

Jasper turned and smiled. "Bella, you're up! Good. I was just building your coffin."

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