Title: The Note

Rating: PG – 13/ T

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, just the story. No infringement intended.

Summary: What happens when Trip reads something he wasn't supposed to read?

Spoilers: Nothing before Bound. This takes place like RIGHT after it.

AN: This is my fourth attempt at fan fiction, and possibly my third successful one. I would appreciate comments. BTW: T'Pol is a bit out of character. But, this is fan FICTION, so I suppose its okay. :)

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Chapter Title: Realization

Chapter Summary: T'Pol gets advice from Archer about how to make Trip realize that she loves him.

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CHAPTER 1

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(T'Pol's POV)

It is difficult to believe this is happening; to lose something you never had.

Every time I am in anguish, something that is hard to hide from him no matter how hard I try, he was always there to offer his assistance. He had offered time and time again, but each time I said "no". I was so foolish.

Every time Trip thought he was getting closer to me, I pushed him away along with emotions he had brought out in me. So many times he has "worn his heart out on his sleeve" only to have me take it in my hands and squish it with all my Vulcan strength. How could I have been so dense?

Every time.

And now for the first time in my life I need Trip more than I need air itself, but all that fills my lungs is cold, murky water swimming with problems. There is no air anymore. All of the things we have been through together started to pour on us until it was a flood we couldn't control. We sit here, soaking in the conflicts of our past, trying so hard to absorb why it went wrong. This cold water is suffocating us in an emotional vortex we cannot seem to escape.

All the sudden, realization comes over me like a tidal wave with all of its force. I am the cause of everything. I am responsible for all of the pain and anguish suffered by both of us. If only I could just follow my heart like Trip does . . . did.

No. There is no air anymore, for I have pushed that away as well.

I feel the tears sting at my eyes until I can hardly see. I could feel my throat constricting until I could hardly breath. I feel everything, but I am supposed to feel nothing! In fact, I feel like I am nothing. I am nothing without Trip! I am not alive without Trip! The bond that he and I have is basically my lifeline. My salvation. My sanity.

I can now feel the tears that are making their way down my cheeks and off my chin onto my uniform. My control is nothing but the smallest fraction covering the largest whole. How am I supposed to live like this? Only Trip can help me, the only soul in this vast ocean of emptiness inside me.

I need to meditate. I need to organize my chaotic thoughts. I know I need to tell Trip that I cherish him above all else. Love. Yes, I love him! Because strange enough for a Vulcan, I do, and nothing and no one will ever change that.

Because I need Trip.

(Trip's POV)

There are many things I hate in this life. I hate how I love someone that can't love me back. I hate that I put my heart on the line for her, and in the end, it gets broken. I hate waking up every morning and going to bed every night finding the one person I want and need the most isn't there to be the first and last thing I see each day. And I hate hating so much.

Even though all of these horrible things are caused by one pointed – eared individual in particular, I can't comprehend how I could hate her when I love her with every fiber in my being.

Did I mention that I can never her out of my head? If I didn't, let me clarify . . .

I CAN'T GET THAT DAMNED VULCAN, MULE – HEADED, AROGENT, FLUSTERING, STUCK – IN – THE – MUD, BEAUTIFUL, HIGH AND MIGHTY PAIN IN THE ASS OUT OF MY DAMNED HEAD!

Is that clarity enough for you?

Of course, having this Vulcan mating bond doesn't help matters much. Humph . . . imagine: being bonded with a person that you mean nothing to. I don't think I can live like this much longer. I have so many questions for her. I have so many things I need clarity and closure on regarding her . . . regarding us actually.

But . . . I know that I shouldn't be dwelling on these things. A beautiful, logical mind once told me this before. Of course, that same mind also told me that she would rather read the Kir'Shara than spend time with a pathetic Human like me. Although, she didn't say it quite so crudely, it still hurt all the same.

(Engineering, Next Day)

Trip sat in his office staring blankly at his computer monitor. Ever since he came back from the Columbia, nothing new was turning up with the engines. For now they were just making house calls to repair plumbing and other minor things.

"Chief?"

Trip glanced up to see Lt. Hess poking her head through the open door to his office. He offered a small grin. "Yeah, what can I do for you?"

"There's someone here that's looking for you, sir. Should I send her in?"

Trip was perplexed. "Why can't this person just come in here? Why the big entrance?" He realized that it must be T'Pol. Lt. Hess had some sort of agenda to get them together, and she knew her Chief knew about it. Trip decided he wasn't up for talking with her alone right now, although he knew he wouldn't be alone with T'Pol. Lt. Hess might eavesdrop . . .

"Umm . . . I, uh . . . I – I'm a little busy, actually."

"With all due respect sir, busy or not in the mood?"

"Both."

"Hmm, well I'm afraid she outranks you so . . ." Lt. Hess smiled and walked hastily out the door before Trip could say anything to stop her.

T'Pol walked hesitantly into his office. Her hands were clasped behind her back in a nervous manor, but her eyes held a certain determination in them. Trip forced a smile and motioned for her to have a seat on the bench a few feet from the door.

"What's with the entrance?" Trip asked, trying to get rid of the awkward silence.

"I came here to Engineering to speak with you, however when I arrived I couldn't find you. I asked Lt. Hess if she knew where you were and she directed me here and told me to wait. I gather you were busy?"

"Not, really." Trip explored the inside of his cheek with his tongue. "What did you need to talk about, Commander?"

T'Pol was perturbed. It's been a while since he has called her "Commander" when it was just the two of them. She felt her mouth begin to go dry. She had had everything planned out to say to him, but now it was all a blur in her mind. "An emotional reaction."

Trip leaned forward in his chair awaiting her answer. "Maybe she's here to talk about us!"

T'Pol's eyes darted around the office. Another emotional reaction. "Focus! Do not let him see you like this! Say something!" "I simply wanted to ask you in person if you are alright," she said. It wasn't necessarily a lie, but it wasn't the truth either.

Trip's heart suddenly sank. He was so hopeful that she had come here to talk about their relationship, whatever it was. "At least she had the decency to act like she cares, key word 'act'," Trip thought bitterly to himself. He wondered if she could hear that thought, being bonded and all. Seeing her grimace a bit told him that she did.

"Well, to answer your question, I'm doing fine." Trip hesitated. His facial expression turned from confused to questioning. "May I ask why you care?" he asked more rudely than he intended to.

If T'Pol was hurt, she didn't show it. "I'm sure I don't know what you mean."

"I mean that it's very unlike you to want to personally see if I'm okay." Trip was aware that T'Pol began to fidget with her hands in her lap.

T'Pol, again, was at loss for words. "Why did I say that? Why can I not just tell him the truth?" "I was referring to the engines, Commander. Are you alright on repairs?" "I cannot believe I just said another lie!"

"Oh, right. Nothing much to do really. We're just attending to small problems around the ship."

T'Pol noticed a skeptical look appearing over his features. She raised her eyebrow in question. Trip knew this and answered, "It just seems awfully strange that would come all the way here from the bridge to see if repairs are doing okay when you could of just used the comm., T'Pol." Trip knew that he caught her. She looked like a deer in the headlights and went completely silent and still.

"Think of something T'Pol! This is why Vulcan's do not lie! We are horrible at it!"

"Oh, good job, Tucker! You made a Vulcan feel bad!"

Trip got up from his seat and went over to the bench T'Pol was sitting on. Their eyes locked and so did their hands. Trip gently stroked the top of her hands and gave her a reassuring smile. "You know T'Pol, its okay to check on me. That's what friends do for each other and I'm actually relieved you came down here. I'm pretty sure that with us being bonded and all, you know the truth," he said sheepishly.

"Yes, I do. You have not been eating or sleeping properly even when you told me that you have been." T'Pol tightened her hold on his hands. "Why?"

"Well, I guess I just didn't want you worrying . . . err . . . being concerned for me," Trip corrected.

"You are correct in that I would be concerned for your wellbeing. That is no reason to hide the truth. I felt your hunger and fatigue from all the way on the bridge, Trip."

"Is that why you came down here?"

"Yes. But I must return to the bridge. I told the Captain I would be down here for only a short amount of time."

Trip reluctantly let go of her soft hands and stood up, T'Pol doing the same. "Well, I guess I'd better get back out there and check up on my crew," stated Trip. He was overwhelmed with emotions that were too strong to be human, and instinctively knew they were T'Pol's. He grimaced and clutched his forehead, not being used to all of that emotion coming into his mind so suddenly yet. T'Pol noticed this and made for a hasty retreat.

"I should be getting back to the bridge, Commander. Good day." And with that she left before he had the chance of saying anything.

"Way not to be obvious!" she mentally scolded herself and headed for the bridge.

(Bridge)

T'Pol walked onto the bridge and went straight for her station. Captain Archer couldn't help but to notice her cheeks and the tips of her ears were a deep green and her nostrils were flared. Her lips pursed as she stared absently at the monitor before her, no doubt trying to get a control over her emotions.

"Trip must of pissed her off," he thought to himself and stifled a grin. "How are things in Engineering?"

"Fine," she replied curtly. After a moment she choked out, "sir."

"Good." It was becoming harder to stifle that grin, so he turned around only to find Hoshi and Travis smiling and shaking their heads.

It went quiet on the bridge. T'Pol sat at her station, not really doing anything but staring uncomprehendingly ahead of her and thinking about Trip. His smile hid the hurt and mistrust he held for T'Pol and she knew they both knew it. Whenever she got near him, their bond came to life and she could feel everything he felt and knew almost everything that went through his mind. Some things were tolerable, to say the least. But others, it 

was hard to take without feeling strongly about them and wishing she could say something, but saying nothing at all.

She decided enough was enough. After her duty shift, she had to find some way to set things right between them. The problem was, she didn't know how to proceed and couldn't even fathom what his reaction might be.

T'Pol knew that Trip was Human, a very emotional, annoying, and confusing one at best; but she would have no one else, because even if he was all of those things, he was also everything she needed and wanted.

"Yes. Pursuing Trip is the most logical course of action." T'Pol thought with contentment.

(Later that evening)

T'Pol pressed the chime to the Captain's quarters and waited patiently for him to answer. After about a second or two, a distinct "Come in" was heard. T'Pol walked in and Jon motioned for her to sit down. She decided to sit on the couch next to Porthos.

"What can I do for you T'Pol?"

She paused and made an inaudible sigh. "I came seeking advice."

Jon was rendered speechless as both eyebrows shot up. After he recovered, he asked, "What is it you need advice on?"

T'Pol never thought she would be in this position, revealing her deepest and darkest secrets to her Human Captain, but the situation demanded it. She recognized that this was the only logical solution.

"Commander Tucker," she finally answered.

"Has he done something to piss you off?"

Her response was a raised eyebrow and a questioning look. So he clarified, "I couldn't help but to notice earlier today, when you came back up from Engineering, you seemed to be . . . um . . . miffed."

"That is because I was," she replied quietly.

"Well, what he do this time?"

The young Vulcan paused before answering. "It is more of what . . . he didn't do, Captain."

"I think you should start from the beginning, T'Pol."

"It is a long story," T'Pol warned him.

"I'm not going to sleep anytime soon."

T'Pol hesitated before continuing, unaware that she was fidgeting. "As you are well aware, Captain, Commander Tucker and I have a somewhat . . . wayward relationship," she started uneasily. "I believe it started when his sister died."

"Believe?"

"Yes. There has been a mutual attraction for . . . a while."

"Uh – hu."

"Doctor Phlox couldn't give him sedatives forever, he realized, so he asked me to perform neuro pressure on him to help him sleep."

"What is 'neuro pressure'?"

"It is a Vulcan method of relaxing the body without the need of medication. During this time, we became increasingly close and eventually . . ."

Jon noticed she had stopped talking and was looking down at her fidgeting hands, her back rigid. He was perplexed by this. "And eventually what?"

T'Pol looked up and raised her eyebrow in a manner which told him the truth she wouldn't dare speak. His palms became sweaty and Jon cleared his throat. "Ah," he sighed. "And let me guess, after that, you felt you weren't ready to deal with the emotions having sex churned up." Jon knew he was crossing the line, but she had come to him for advice. Before he could give it to her, he needed to know the whole story. Her eyes widened in surprise, but she nodded her head the affirmative.

"Yes," T'Pol stated almost inaudibly. "We continued the neuro pressure, though. In time, old feelings were dawned upon us again. I knew that and in turn, I pushed him away. I have countless times, Captain." T'Pol felt her throat constrict, but kept her tears in place. "I know it is my fault."

"T'Pol – "

She interrupted, "Captain, do remember the Selaya?"

"How could I forget?"

"As you know, I recovered from that . . . but it was not my only encounter with trellium," she stated with shame etched in her voice.

Jon froze. "She must have encountered it before she came here. Surely she wouldn't become . . . addicted. No, that's not T'Pol. But then again, I never would have guessed she and Trip would get together." "It's not?" he asked aloud.

"No, sir. I would rather not go into details." She looked away and took a deep breath. "But I will say that I started using it to get closer to Commander Tucker," she stated sheepishly.

Jon was surprised that he wasn't surprised. "Ironic."

"So, are you still . . ."

"No. The doctor helped me through that."

"Good." Jon took a deep breath to try and calm his racing heart. Finding out that your first officer was a recovering drug addict wasn't exactly easy to take in. He was extremely upset and disappointed with T'Pol for what she had done, but he wasn't about to tell her. She had it hard enough as it is. "So, let's get back to your dilemma, T'Pol. What did Trip not do that has you upset?"

"He refuses to tell me what he's really feeling."

"I don't understand."

"He feels one emotion, but demonstrates another. He tells me that he moved to the Columbia because they needed an experienced chief engineer. I believe you and I both know that that wasn't the reason for his leaving. Although I am pleased that he is back with us on the Enterprise, I can't help but to think that he is . . . hiding his true feelings." T'Pol's emotional tone betrayed her stoic face. She had stopped fidgeting and was now expecting an answer.

"I've heard these words before, but they came from someone else."

"Commander Tucker?"

"Yeah . . . T'Pol, this is to be expected."

T'Pol clenched her fists. "Are you indicating that he feels insecure around me?" T'Pol asked, disbelief dripping from her words.

"The chance is very high."

"What should I do, then?"

Jon thought for a moment. "You need to get your thoughts organized. Perhaps some meditating?"

An annoyed look came over T'Pol's face. "Do you not think I haven't tried that already?"

"Hmm. Well, why don't you try writing him a note, but don't send it to him."

T'Pol looked confused. "Why would I write him a note and not send it to him, Captain?"

Jon laughed. "Because, T'Pol, this is to only organize your thoughts and feelings. Once you have done that, you'll find talking to him a whole lot easier."

T'Pol looked skeptical, but considered trying it. "And if it doesn't work?"

"It will," Jon assured her.

"Thank you, Captain. I trust this will remain between us?"

Jon thought of an old Earth saying. "What conversation?" he asked teasingly. A disgruntled look came over T'Pol.

"The conver – "

"T'Pol, it's a joke."

She raised her eyebrow and said, "Good night, Captain."

"Night, T'Pol." Jon remembered something. "Oh wait, could you give this to Trip for me?"

T'Pol took the PADD and nodded her goodbye.