Post-ep for SVU episode "Blinded" – posted here because it only features mothership characters.

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The Kind of Man I Am

Judge Jamie Ross looked up as knuckles rapped on her half-open door, and smiled to see Jack McCoy half-in, half-out of the doorway.

"Mr. District Attorney," she said. "Come in. What can the New York Supreme Court do for the DA's Office today?"

"Jamie," McCoy said softly.

Jamie put her pen down and looked at him quizzically. "Jack," she said. "Not business?"

He shook his head, still hesitating in the doorway.

"Well, are you going to come in?" she asked.

Jack gave her a sheepish smile and came all the way into the room. Jamie waited for him to sit down, but he wandered over to her bookshelf instead, gazing at her law reports as if they held some new and fresh fascination. Oh, brother, Jamie thought. She'd known Jack McCoy for long enough to recognize all the signs that he had something to talk about that he didn't want to talk about, and today – today, she really didn't have the time. Not general, I'm a busy person, take your troubles elsewhere kind of not having the time, but genuine two-Brady-hearings-and-a-plea-agreement-by-five do not have the time.

Except she always had time for Jack.

"Do you remember Matthew O'Dell?" he asked the bookshelf.

"Is he out?" Jamie asked, and the alarm in her voice made him finally turn and look at her.

"No, no, no, nothing like that," he assured her.

Jamie relaxed a little and leaned back in her chair. "Sure, I remember him." How could I forget? She'd thought she was going to lose her job over that one, giving his brother the chance to tell the court just how crazy Matthew O'Dell was, despite Adam Schiff's instructions that they were to seek the death penalty, despite O'Dell's insistence to his lawyer that she avoid giving any hint he was less than sane. "You bailed on the sentencing hearing and gave me all the rope I needed to hang myself," Jamie said.

"That wasn't – " Jack said, taking a few quick steps toward her.

"I know. You created an opportunity for me to do the right thing," Jamie said. She smiled. "Pretending you couldn't make court – as if I wasn't going to see you standing up the back of the courtroom like you just happened to wander by."

"You made me proud," Jack said, turning the chair by her desk around and sinking into it. "That day. Not just that day. What did Adam say to us, after?"

"You two take a lot of liberties," Jamie said in her best imitation of Adam's scratchy voice.

Jack laughed. "We certainly did, didn't we? We certainly did." He leaned forward, elbows on his knees, hands hanging limp. "God, I miss Adam."

Jamie waited, but he didn't go on.

"What's got you thinking about Matthew O'Dell, Jack?' she asked at last.

"Just thinking about old times," he said. "The good old days."

"They weren't that good," Jamie said. "Remember the seven am starts and the one am finishes? The bad coffee, the mountain of casework, the constant sense of running just a little bit behind the bus, trying to catch on to the doorframe?"

He looked up at her, the way he'd used to, mouth twisting in a shadow of the old Jack McCoy, charming SOB smile. "Good times," he said sardonically. Then, almost wistful: "Good times."

"What's this about, Jack?" Jamie asked. "You miss the courtroom? The independence? The high-and-wide calls? The ruffled ethics?"

"All of that," he admitted. "I never – never expected to be in this job. Never planned for it. And if I thought about it, I always thought – I'd be the Adam Schiff kind of District Attorney, you know? Maybe not the wisest man east of the Missouri, but pretty damn wise, at least." He shook his head. "One of my sex crimes ADAs pulled a stunt right out of the Jamie Ross playbook yesterday. Managed to show a defendant was crazy as a bedbug right in the courtroom."

"Did you give her an atta-girl?" Jamie asked.

"I threatened her job and her license," Jack said softly. "I've been in the job for weeks and already I've turned into an asshole."

"You were always an asshole," Jamie said dryly.

McCoy snorted. "Different brand," he said. He rubbed his hand over his face. "I didn't just threaten Casey's job and her livelihood. I accused her of letting her personal history influence her prosecutorial decisions. I tore her a new one." Jamie opened her mouth and he shook his head. "You don't need to remind me about personal history and prosecutorial decisions. Don't say it."

Jamie paused. "Jack," she said, choosing her words carefully. "Things look different in the big office. You have to weigh up other considerations – "

"So did Adam," he interrupted her. "So did Adam. And he told us we took a lot of liberties, and that was the end of it."

"Those are big shoes to fill," Jamie said softly. "Don't be too hard on yourself."

"They are big shoes to fill," he admitted. "But that's not the problem. The problem is, Jamie, those aren't the shoes I'm filling. I thought that if I ever had this job I'd be the kind of DA Adam Schiff was. Or Nora, even. But I'm not." He ran his fingers through his hair. "I'm Arthur Branch. I've turned into Arthur Branch."

"More hair," Jamie pointed out, but McCoy didn't smile.

"I thought I knew what kind of DA I'd be, and I didn't," he said. "I was wrong. I thought I knew what kind of lawyer I am, what kind of man I am. Maybe I've been wrong about that too, all these years."

"Jack. Are you asking me for advice, or consolation?" Jamie asked. She got up and went to stand beside him, resting her fingers lightly on his shoulder. He tipped his head back to look up at her, covering her hand with his own.

"Can't I have both?" he asked with a painful smile.

Jamie looked at down at him and shook her head. His fingers tightened over hers.

"You're wondering what kind of man I am too," Jack said softly.

"No," Jamie said. "I'm wondering what kind of a man you'll decide to be."

"A little late for this old dog to be learning new trick," Jack said, letting her go. He stood up and turned to the door. "I won't keep you – I know two of my ADAs are before you this afternoon and – "

"Jack," Jamie said. He didn't turn back to face her, but he paused, hand on the doorknob. "Never too late, Jack."

fin

A/N: The O'Dell case is in 'Disappeared'. Jack's line, You're wondering what kind of man I am too, is the same line he uses to Claire in 'Hot Pursuit'.