Disclaimer: Once again, I do not own Avatar or any of the bears I mention...if I did, I would have my own very successful sideshow.

A/N - I just found this on my computer...I obviously wrote it quite some time ago, because Michael Jackson wasn't dead yet. I wonder why I never posted it. Oh, well...

CHAPTER TWO -

MAMA BEAR TAKES THE STAGE

"I think that Oprah would be more appropriate..." said Zuko's mother, whose name corresponds with the Latin for 'bear'. But we'll just call her whatever insulting variant of that that we feel is necessary.

"Shut up, Winnie the Pooh! The entire point of this story is to be OBSCENE!" the author, whom we may call Undercooked, yelled back. "Now get in there and throw a couch cushion at your husband and scream the f-word so many times your entire dialogue is one long BEEP!"

"That doesn't seem very beneficial to-"

"GO, BALOO! CONTACT YOUR BAD SIDE!" Undercooked yelled, pushing her out onstage.

Somewhere deep in the recesses of Smokey's mind, behind all the knitting and crocheting and dinner planning and high treason, something that that fucking screwball Undercooked had said clicked.

"Did you know that cheddar cheese is more likely to attack than mozzarella?"

No. That wasn't it.

"Is Genital Herpes a band?"

Nooo...

"Zuko's mom is a tart anyway."

No...

"Hey, wait! What was that one?" growled Yogi, flipping back to the last quote.

"That bitch! I am NOT a tart!" snarled dear Fozzie Bear, veins popping out on her forehead. "I'm ready to DO THIS!"

"I knew I could help!" Undercooked exclaimed, floating up in a heart bubble.

"Good for you. NOW GET OUT OF THE FIC!" yelled Jerry Springer.

"No, I want to show her something first," said Zuko, popping up.

"Make it fast. Your mother is jabbing my voodoo doll," Undercooked mentioned.

"MEDERMA!" yelled Zuko, popping out from behind a fan with his face printed on it.

Undercooked screamed as loudly as she could.

"Sorry. It's just you're the UGLIEST fucker I have EVER seen, and-"

"Go ahead and kick her out."

Well this is embarrassing.

Kicked out of my own fic.

Hmph! See if I care!

I'll just write about SOMEONE ELSE!

SOMEWHERE ELSE

Undercooked, who seems to be a permanent installment in this chapter, ran up to the Cabbage Man and threw her arms around him.

"Oh, Cabbage Man! You understand me, right?"

"Well, right now you're going to make a cabbage/testicle related joke that is obscenely perverted and then laugh about it while typing at your computer. Then you'll spit Coke all over the screen because of your hysterical laughter and have to clean it up, thus not finishing this chapter tonight." the Cabbage Man said.

"Wow! You really DO know me!" Undercooked exclaimed.

-pause to clean up Coke-

"Wow! You really DO know me!" Undercooked yelled in an annoying repetition because she lost her place.

The Cabbage Man sighed and tried to pry Undercooked off him.

"Why are you hugging me?" he asked.

"I'm trying to be unique!" Undercooked explained. "Have YOU ever seen a self-insert where the chick falls in love with YOU? No offense, but who would WRITE that?"

"You," the entire viewing audience pointed out.

"That's RIGHT. ME." Undercooked said triumphantly.

"Well, I guess it isn't SO bad. She's young, she's moderately not ugly, she writes moderately not shitty fanfiction, and she likes cabbage." The Cabbage Man sighed.

"You KIDDIN' me? I HATE cabbage!" Undercooked exclaimed loudly. Her proclamation bounced off the empty walls of the Cabbage Man's skull, and something Undercooked had said clicked.

"I don't like professional wrestlers because I'm afraid their man parts are going to pop out of those bikini things."

No, but that IS helpful in certain situations...

"I'm afraid of ceramics!"

No, that wasn't it...

"The Cabbage Man is such a sexy beast and I wish to-"

"Hey!" yelled the ass-hauler, running in.

"Yeah! I didn't say that!" Undercooked said indignantly.

"Actually, I was going to say that this fic is rated T," the ass-hauler said.

"Oh. Well thanks for defending my honor. NOT." Undercooked sniped.

"Honor!" yelled Zuko, running past sobbing.

"See what you do?" the Cabbage Man sighed.

"Yeah, and no offence, but your honor..." the ass-hauler said, waving his hand and squinting. "...Wavering at best."

Undercooked stepped up to a large, oddly placed podium and announced in a bad Southern drawl,

"I DID NOT have sexual relations with that woman."

"..." Everyone else took their chances with getting kicked out of the story and left.

MEANWHILE

Mr. Funky Sideburns was conversing with a figure in a dark cloak.

"Master MJ, I need your assistance," he said, bowing.

"Speak, Mr. Funky Sideburns," said a creepy, high-pitched voice.

"There is a certain young boy I need to capture, and-"

"He is underaged, yes?"

"Yes, Master."

"And does he have buns of steel?" inquired the voice.

"No buns in the Fire Nation are steelier," replied Mr. Funky Sideburns.

"Very well. Then I will help you. What do you need me to do? Dangle him from a window? Share my bed with him?"

"No." Mr. Funky Sideburns said, and that ominous 'oh shit something fuckin' bad is happening I'd better get my face out of the jelly beans and pay attention' music started playing. "I need you to do the foulest deed of all."

There was a pause.

"What the HELL are you talking about?" the figure asked after a moment.

"I dunno, I thought you would know," shrugged Mr. Funky Sideburns.

"I'll just go capture him for you, okay, he of the feeble mind and buns of cottage cheese?" sighed the Master.

He threw back his hood, and there stood...

HOLY SHIT IT'S NOT WHO YOU THOUGHT IT WAS!

Okay, it is.

Michael Jackson stood, striking a molester pose, and Mr. Funky Sideburns bowed again.

"I bow to you, Master." he said.

"That's King of Pop to you!" MJ said, moonwalking across the street.

Things looked bad for Zuko.

But what was he doing at this critical moment?

"DAMN SUDOKU!" Zuko yelled, throwing the book across the room.

"TEA!" Iroh yelled, running to save his tea from flying books of doom.

"I have a strange feeling that two very bad men are coming to get me, Uncle. Is that bad?" Zuko asked after another moment.

"Tea." Iroh said solemly, offering him a dainty little cup.

AND THEREFORE...

"Hey! I'm in the chapter!" yelled Aang.

"TOO LATE!" yelled Undercooked, cruelly ending the chapter.

Farewell, until NEXT CHAPTER!

PREVIEW / EPILOGUE

Haru quickly and silently slipped through the window.

He stood over the bed in which Katara slept and his mustache slowly crept out and curled around her neck...

I knew it was malicious!