What I Cannot Do.
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This story is dedicated to my wonderful Beta, Perdendosi. You're awesome girl! X3
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She sits there every night.
He stands there every night.
She looks up to the sky, her brown eyes filled with dreams, love, belief, tenderness, hope.
He looks at her, his black eyes filled with dreams, love, belief, tenderness, hope. But there's something else too. Something the world can't explain; something the stars won't care for and the night hates. Something he doesn't know.
She sits there, her hands around the metal chains of the swing. Her bare feet are in the sand. She sits there with bruises on her ego, adorning bruises on her arms.
She sits there with her beautifully broken heart.
He stands there; his hands are resting against the tree he hides behind, his shoes firmly on the ground. He stands there with his slowly withering courage, painfully burning tears behind his eyes. He stands there, with his awfully tied up tongue.
She hums a soft, but happy song to herself with words that make no sense, words only the stars and the broken girl can know.
He watches her from a distance, and in that distance he will remain. For that what never really started, cannot end.
He watches her while she sits there, sometimes crying, sometimes laughing. He watches her, feels his soul tremble under her pain.
She is so tiny and small, so incredibly useless and lost in this big, big world. She is nothing like the stars above her, like the moon shining so gracefully.
She is nothing.
But her sad, broken smile is everything to him.
He watches her, until she stands up, shivering from the cold, the pain, the unfulfilled wishes. She denies her promise, lies the truth, spits on dignity, despises love.
She is nothing like the hyper, happy girl she is when the sunlight shines. She is nothing like her own lie. She cannot live her fairytale and she will not cry her tears.
She denies the very essence of her existence.
So beautifully broken, his perfect disaster, his source of never-ending determination.
She is everything to him, but he watches her go. He watches her die without a word.
Because that is who he is, and he cannot go against that. He cannot fight against the world.
Isn't she worth that?
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Without a sound, noiselessly, like a shadow, like someone who's not really there, he sneaks back into his room. Without a word he closes the window, changes clothes, falls back onto his bed.
Without a breath, his head hits the pillow and he sleeps.
And there's no one in this whole world who missed him. No one who knows who he is, what he does, what he loves, who he loves, how he breathes.
There is no one at all.
He's not really there at all.
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He's perfectly fine with not existing. He's absolutely okay with being a shadow.
All he wants is for her to hold him, to please, please not let him perish.
He'll be her shadow.
As long as she's willing to be his sun.
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She can pretend she's the moon, with countless stars behind her, supporting her, backing her up. She can pretend she's happy, with a smile plastered on her face and her high squeaky voice.
She can pretend that she pretends.
She can pretend she's her own lie and she can pretend she doesn't care.
She can pretend and act and lie and deny and cry and laugh and–
He wants to see it all.
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"I think you should confess to her, Taka-chan!"
Silence.
"… I think you really love her."
Silence.
"Mitsukuni…"
Smile.
"Whaaaaat?"
"Impossible."
"Eh? Eh? Eeeeeeeeeeh? What's impossible?"
"You're the only important one in my heart."
Silence.
Looked away.
Killed.
"I don't wanna be. I want Taka-chan to smile."
"You make me smile."
"But she does too."
Silence.
"Renge-chan's really important to you!"
"But you're more important."
He cannot go against that law.
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He's the pillar he stands on. He's the ground, the foundation, that thing people never see. He's that what makes the fall soft, that what no one knows.
He's the wind, the breeze.
He's nothing.
He's Takashi.
But Takashi isn't worth anything.
He cannot even save her. He cannot even keep her from going back to her nightmare. He cannot even admit she has also an important spot in his heart.
He just cannot do that, because it goes against the very essence of being Takashi Morinozuka.
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Mitsukuni Haninozuka.
The only one he cares about.
The only one he thinks about (aside from food.)
The only one he'll protect with his life.
The only important one.
The only one he'll save.
The only one. His only one. The.Only.One.
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Renge Hoshakuji.
The girl with the broken smile.
The girl with her hurt life, her hurt self.
His perfect disaster.
His hunter, his prey, his everything.
But she is nothing.
Simply because she cannot be.
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Takashi Morinozuka.
The dutiful follower.
The shadow.
The silent one.
The stoic type.
He, who cried so many dry tears for her.
He, who was slowly losing everything.
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"I know you're sneaking out every evening just to see her."
"Mitsukuni… It's nothing important."
The silence begs him to shut up, but he won't.
"It is! Takashi! You've been really sad! I don't ever want you to be sad because of me!"
"You cannot make me sad."
It's a law. A rule. The one thing the whole universe is based on. The world's very own pillar, the words that make his existence.
He's cruel enough to deny it, when he turns around, almost crying: "But I do, Takashi. I do."
And what hurts more than anything, is that there's this voice inside his head that shouts at him that it's true.
"You don't."
"Yes. I do. You can't confess because of me and because you don't tell her how you feel, you're hurt!"
But he just cannot tell her. There no way he can do that.
"Takashi… If I'm the source of your unhappiness, I don't want to be a part of your life anymore."
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And just like that he lost everything.
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He still watches her.
She still watches the sky.
He still has this longing, this burning, this pain. He still wants to walk up to her and talk to her.
There's nothing holding him back.
He didn't leave Mitsukuni.
Mitsukuni left him.
He broke the only rule there was.
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It hurts like hell.
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It hurts so much.
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This isn't worth the pain.
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Oh, God! It hurts. Hurtshurtshurtshurts.
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She throws her hands into the air, squeals, shouts about what she wants and how she sees the world.
He sits at the window, since he cannot go sit next to Mitsukuni anymore. He watches her, all the time through.
And there are whispers, looks, oh-no-are-Mori-and-Honey-having-a-fight-'s and Mori-looks-sad-'s and no one can understand how sad he is.
He's not sad.
He's passed the point he cares. He's not sad.
He's nothing.
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Everyone is leaving. Mitsukuni is leaving without him.
He's left behind. He can see how the smile has faded, how his cute brown eyes have become sad.
He has gone against the very rule he made for himself.
To never hurt that cousin of his.
So he needs to fix it. Quick. He needs to cut louse the boundaries, overstep the border.
He needs to do all the things he cannot do.
Simply because he won't live if he doesn't.
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"… Hikaru…"
The other twin turned around, looking at the silent man at the lonely table.
"What's wrong with Hikaru?"
Laugh.
Silence.
Swallow.
Come on, Takashi, talk, talk. Do that what you cannot do.
Because you have to save your world.
"How did you do it? How did you let go of him?"
The twin blinks.
"Why did you let him go for Kyouya?"
A soft smile comes upon his face.
There's silence, silence.
"I didn't let him go. I still love him. Hikaru's really important to me. Nothing has ever changed about that."
His eyes go into the direction where the Host Club's Vice President is waiting at the door, before he looks back at the tall boy, smiles and says: "He just has to share that first place with someone else now."
But there's no way Takashi can do the same thing.
"But, hey, Mori-senpai," Kaoru smiled at him. "Though you don't say much and stuff, I think you have a big heart. I'm sure it's big enough for both Honey-senpai and Renge to fit in."
But he cannot do that.
Silence.
Soft smile.
"How do you know it's Renge?"
"Because you watch her the same way I think I watched Kyouya before I confessed."
"… I see."
"Kaoru! Are you coming or are you going to make your homework alone?"
"Coming! Coming!"
He gives him another encouraging smile, turns around and grabs Kyouya's hand, dragging him along with him, and Takashi knows that he has to get over this.
He has to do what he cannot do.
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His fragile reality broke.
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Why isn't he allowed to live his own fairytale?
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She sits there, every night.
He stands there, every night.
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He loves her.
Every
Second
Of the day.
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But he can't say it. He just cannot say it.
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Simply because he can't.
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Because he
Is
Takashi
Morinozuka.
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But he's stronger than this. Stronger than silence.
He can fight this.
He can make everything alright.
He can, he shall, he will, he won't.
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"Hey, Mori-senpai."
And he froze, died, killed, murdered, withered, vanished, lived.
She laughs, looks at him. She's knows he exists.
And he's scared, because that what started, shall always end one day.
"The swing next to me isn't occupied, you know."
He decides he'll take that as an invitation and walks up to her. He silently sits on the second swing, follows her eyes into the direction of the sky.
"You and Honey are having a fight? That's really rare. You wanna talk about it?"
And she's nothing like a hyper fangirl.
But he cannot talk about it.
"Ah, no? Well, that's fine. I guess he must've really hurt you."
"I hurt him."
"You did?! What did you do?" she asks.
But he cannot tell her.
So he shuts up.
It's the only thing he's good at. He's incredibly good at 'not-existing'.
He doesn't want to say something stupid, something useless. He wants to listen, to her voice, her laugh, her heartbeat, the sound of the wind playing with her hair.
He doesn't want to talk, because not a word could express the way his heart felt.
"Ah… Fine! Then don't tell me."
They stay silent for a while, staring at the dark, dark night.
"It's late. I should go home," she says after some time.
She cannot leave him, but she does anyway. And then, he does what he cannot do. He grabs her wrist, her bruised wrist, and says: "You don't have to go back."
She stays silent.
"I do."
"But he hurts you."
"This whole world hurts me. I can take it."
Yeah, she can take on the world on her own. He can't.
"I know."
He let's go of her wrist.
"But it's not because you can that you have to."
"Well, it's not because you can't that you shouldn't," she replies, knowingly, witty, cleverly, hurt.
And then she disappears. He hears he footsteps fading away, smells how her scent is being washed away by the wind. She leaves him and he's alone.
He's all alone without anything to hold onto.
He doesn't have anyone to take care of, no one to prove in his stead that he exits.
He broke to rule, hurt the first, last, only person he loves.
And he cannot change it anymore.
"Why am I so weak?"
But the stars don't seem to have an answer.
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"Ah, Mori-senpai. Do you have a little time? There's this matter I'd like to discuss with you."
"Ah," he sits back down at his table, looking up at the Host Club's vice president and waits.
"I'm not asking about the personal reason behind this little problem between you and Honey-senpai, but I'd like to ask you if you could, if possible, change this as soon as you can. Our customers have been rather disappointed."
"I can't."
The black haired boy blinks.
"You can't?" he repeats, the notebook pressed against his chest. "May I ask why that is?"
"I can't," he says again, because he can't because he can't and he cannot.
"I know you are probably not waiting for my opinion, and I'm completely aware it doesn't matter, but: I thought that too about the relation I have now with Kaoru. I thought that I couldn't, simply because I couldn't. But Mori-senpai… you can. You can do all the things you cannot do. You just have to forget for a second that you actually can't do it, do it and then remember that you can't."
"Complicated."
"Fairly easy, to be honest," he gave him a soft smile, a smile he had only been able to smile since a few weeks. "You can do anything you set your mind on. So, I honestly believe you can make up with Honey-senpai, just as you can love someone else as him."
"Impossible."
"Nothing really is. Well, anyway. Kaoru's face is growing rather irked, and one thing you do not want to deal with is an irritated Hitachiin. So, I'll be going. I hope this matter will be over quickly."
"Ah."
"Oh, and… If anyone can do this, it's you. If you can't do this, no one can."
"… ?"
"Something Kaoru told me."
"Ah."
And with that, he too, disappears and Takashi is once again left alone.
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That night, the whole world caved in.
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That night, his perfect disaster was nothing more than the wind.
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That night, he stood there.
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That night, he watches an empty swing.
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That night, his heart gave up on beating.
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She didn't come to school the next day. She didn't come to school the day after.
With every second, he felt his heart growing more painful and more painful.
What if it was too late? What if her nightmare had been too much? What if she finally gave up?
She cannot take on the world on her own!
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But still she does.
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"… Mitsukuni?"
"Takashi?"
His brown eyes are filled with hurt and things he doesn't want to see.
"I'll make things alright."
Disbelief. He's not convinced.
"I'll do all the things I cannot do."
"Why?"
"Because you did. She did."
Smile.
"HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAI!"
At least he got back one half of his heart.
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"You want to know where Renge is?"
"Hm."
"I'm afraid to say that she's hospitalized…"
Swallow. Break.
But he does what he cannot do and continues: "Where?"
"Here, I shall give you the address."
"Thank you."
"No problem."
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She looks so positively hurt. So alone, abandoned. So fragile.
She couldn't handle the world. And neither can he.
But they will. Together, they will.
So, he watches her.
So, she watches nothing.
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"M-Mori-senpai?"
Weak. Fragile. Broken. Snapped. Pain.
Hurt.
"Renge."
Look away. She's the stray, beaten up puppy no one will take care off.
"Why are you here?"
"To save you."
Hollow laugh. Empty heartbeat. Shallow pain.
"I can save myself just fine."
But she cannot.
Neither can he.
But together, they just might be able to.
"Don't go back."
"He's my dad. Of course I have to go back."
"You can't."
"I can do whatever I want! Leave me alone!"
And she's nothing like a hyper fangirl, nothing like Renge. She cannot be what she is, but she is it anyway.
"But he hurts you."
"So do you."
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You have to do all the things that you cannot do.
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He has to do all the things he cannot do.
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"Come with me."
"What? God, I liked you better when you shut that mouth of yours, if you're only gonna spew out nonsense."
Swallow. Take it in. Every punch, every hit.
Because she does too.
"Stay with me."
"Shut up! Life's not a fairytale! I can't stay with you! Shut up! Shut up!"
But it's not because he can that he should.
"Renge…"
Cry. Weep. Tears. Hide.
"Please leave me alone."
But it's not because he could that he should.
"You're not alone."
"You can't save me. No one can save me."
Her shoulders shake, as the blanket over her head shivers, trembles. She cries, sniffs silent.
"It's not because I can't, that I shouldn't," he repeats her own words that reverberate in his mind.
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He will save her. He will. He will.
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She has the other half of his heart in her hands.
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She has the world in her hands.
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And he's going to make it alright.
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Simply because he can't.
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Simply because he will.
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"Save me! Save me!"
"Hm."
"I don't wanna go back! Don't let me go back!"
"Hm."
"I don't ever want to go back."
"Hm."
"Save me..."
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Her smile has been increasing its brightness. Her gestures have lost their pain, their limited space. Her eyes have regained their original beauty.
She smiles again, like she couldn't smile before.
She's hyper again, runs around like some kind of unstoppable source. She's the daylight, the sunshine dancing among the dust of pain. She's the beauty that brings the soft smile on his face.
He cannot break his heart and two and give them both a half.
But he does it anyway.
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"Oh my! I'm so happy! Mori-senpai and Honey-senpai aren't fighting anymore!"
"Yeah! I'm so happy for them! It's really nice! They seem even closer!"
"Totally! Kyaa! It's so cute!"
"Hey, Renge-chan has been happier these days too, I noticed."
"Hm! I heard she's staying with Mori-senpai."
"Staying as in… 'staying at his house'?!"
"Exactly! I'm so jealous!"
"Me too! Me too!"
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Her bruises are slowly healing. Slowly, she's recovering.
She still sneaks out to come to that place every night, and he'd come along with her. They'd sit on the swings, just being there, just saying nothing.
Just existing.
Most of the time, she'd start talking. Talking about tomorrow, the future, the rain, the rainbow, the stars, the moon, her newest manga, her newest cosplay.
And he'd listen.
He'd breathe the fresh air and he'd just listen.
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She had no idea how much he loved her.
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She had no idea she was the fuel of his life.
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"Hey, Mori-senpai… Thank you for everything."
"Hm."
"You really saved me!"
Laugh.
Missed heartbeat.
"Hm."
"I'm going to live at my aunt's place now."
"Yeah."
"Everything's gonna be fine now! All thanks to you!"
"Hm."
Turning around, walking away.
"Ah… Uhm… Mori-senpai…"
"Takashi."
"E-Eh?"
"Please call me Takashi."
"Yeah… Takashi. I just wanted to say…"
"Hm?"
"YOU CAN BE SO AWFULLY CUUUUUTEEEEE!"
Laugh. Hug.
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"I'll still go to Ouran, I made sure I could."
"Hm."
"Well… I'll see you then…"
"Yeah. Bye, Renge-chan."
"Bye, Takashi."
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And he cannot say it, cannot do it, cannot be like this, cannot be what he is, but he is it all, does it all, feels it all.
So, before she runs of and he'll be alone, he grabs her hands, pulls her backs, and says: "I love you."
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"I really love you."
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Because he cannot.
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Silence. Swallow. Blush.
Regained control.
"More than Honey-senpai?"
"Differently."
"… Right."
Silence.
"You should kiss me now."
"Ah."
So he does, because he can.
"YOU ARE SO CUTE! I LOVE YOU! Kyaa"
And her squealing never fails to put a small, soft smile on Takashi Morinozuka's face.
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He'll protect her forever. He'll always look out for her. He'll catch her when she slips through one of the clouds she's walking on.
He's there and he'll always be there.
She has a place in his heart no one could ever have.
He cannot love her, but he does.
And he'll never stop doing so.
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She sits there every night.
She sits there and watches the sky, as her eyes shine as bright as the moon. She sits there, her bare feet in the sand, her pale hands around the metal chains.
She sits there and she waits.
She waits until he comes to sit next to her.
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She waits for her hero, the one who saved her. She waits for the person who pulled her out of the misery she was in.
She waits for the one that made her feel 'together'. Her and him against the world.
Just the two of them.
So she sits there and continues to wait, a smile upon her face.
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Footsteps.
She looks up.
"Takashi, you're late!"
"… Yeah."
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They cannot be in love. They cannot love each other. They're too different, there's too much distance in between.
They cannot be happy like this.
But they are.
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Yay! This story is, as mentioned above, dedicated to Perdendosi, my wonderful BETA! She BETA'd this story as well! She's super awesome! Since she really likes MoriRen, I wrote her a story to thank her. Yay! Cheers for Dosi! –dance-
Haha, I swear I shall returns to KyouKao after this. What am I doing?! First a KyouTama, now a MoriRen? Where is the KyouKao! Still my favo! Don't worry!
Well, I hope you enjoyed! D This was also done for a challenge on SHINE! A site you should join, since it's too super mega awesome. Really. Jazy commands you and you cannot go against Jazy's will.
-insert evil world-domination laugh here-
This was for the 'fluff for thought' challenge (though this was no fluff… XD) with the line "You must do all the things you cannot do." Yes, how awesome is that.
(I swear it was originally a KyouKao idea, but then I changed it.)
BUT I IMPLIED IT! Yes, I couldn't help it.
Okay, I shall shut up now.
PLEASE REVIEW
- Jazy