Chapter 16: Everything Possible

Saiyuki belongs to Minekura Kazuya and the song quoted below, to Fred Small.

Thank you so much for the beta, Kelly!

It was a fortnight later and it was finally safe to travel. Dougan was leaving in the morning and with luch they wouldn't be troubled by him again.

Goku was sitting on the rug in front of the fire in their quarters, a calligraphy brush in hand, paper and an inkstone in front of him. He was doing his homework and Sanzo was watching very quietly from behind his desk. His eyes were uncharacteristically soft and affectionate as they rested on the monkey. He rose quietly and glided towards his companion, his silk robes rustling as he moved. Goku looked up and smiled at him. Sanzo offered him his hand and Goku took it, standing to step over his work and into Sanzo's arms. He wrapped his arms about Sanzo's waist and rested his head against his lover's chest.

"Mmmm…lovely!" murmured Goku blissfully. "I feel so peaceful when you hold me like this." He looked up into Sanzo's eyes, inviting his kiss, should he choose to bestow it. Sanzo did, brushing Goku's lips gently and tenderly with his own.

"I don't know if you realise how wonderful you taste." Sanzo's voice was quiet and gentle, using a tone of voice that only Goku ever heard.

"Good! Maybe it'll encourage you to kiss me again." Goku grinned and Sanzo's arms tightened about him as he leaned in for another kiss, sweet, soft and slow. He savoured Goku, tasted his sweetness and his purity. Kissing him was like drinking from a cool, clear mountain stream after having walked all day, like finding a peach tree in an abandoned garden and eating the sweetest, most savoury peach of one's life, like waking in the morning to realise that spring had arrived and anything was possible. The words of a song that Koumyou used to sing him as a lullaby when he was a child sprang complete to his mind.

You can be anybody you want to be,
You can love whomever you will
You can travel any country that your heart leads,
And know that I will love you still…

He could almost hear his foster father singing it and Goku's kiss has conjured it from the very depths of his memory. Koumyou went on with his song:

You can live by yourself,
You can gather friends around,
You can choose one special one,
But the only measure of your words and your deeds
Will be the love you leave behind when you're done.

He held Goku close, knowing that this was right and believing now that Koumyou would approve. Many of his fears and doubts dissolved like mist in the morning and he felt deeply connected to his foster father and just as deeply bound to his diminutive, youkai lover.

They were disturbed by someone pounding at the door. Goku drew back, wide eyed.

"Who the hell is that?" Sanzo exclaimed, not at all pleased at the interruption.

"I'll go and find out." replied Goku, heading for the door. He touched Sanzo's hand soothingly as he passed. As soon as he unlatched the door it flew open, knocking Goku back and off his feet. Dougan burst through, stepping over Goku in his haste to reach Sanzo. He flung himself on his knees at Sanzo's feet, his distress obvious. Goku got to his feet, meeting Sanzo's eyes over Dougan's head.

"Master, please don't send me away! I'll do whatever you say, but please don't send me away…" there was desperation in his voice and in his eyes.

"This is best, Dougan. You've has plenty of opportunity to avoid this and you chose to continue your behaviour. I'm not tolerating any more. You leave tomorrow. You should not have come here. I had no desire to see you. Now leave before you try my patience any further." Sanzo's manner was haughty as he turned away. Dougan made a grab for the hem of his robe.

"Don't turn away from me! I love you; it's only the demon who makes you so cruel!"

"I'm 'cruel' because you're sexually harassing me and I don't put up with that sort of shit!" Sanzo turned, his robe swirling about him. "You will get up off your knees and you will leave. You're being ridiculous!" His voice oozed contempt but it just seemed to spur Dougan on. He hurled himself at Sanzo, knocking him off balance and sending them both tumbling onto the rug. Goku was on him before he had time to draw breath, hauling him off Sanzo and tossing him back through the open door. Sanzo stalked across the room to the door and stood over him.

"If you have any intelligence at all, you will return to your room and you will not leave it again until tomorrow. Now go, before I fucking kill you!" Sanzo snarled. He stepped back, slammed the door and turned the key in the lock. He heard Dougan give a little sob on the other side of the door, pick himself up and then his retreating footsteps.

Sanzo sighed heavily as Goku wrapped his arms about his waist and gazed up at him sympathetically.

"You OK?" he asked gently.

"Yeah," replied Sanzo, a little shortly "I just hate this shit!" He returned Goku's embrace. It felt good to hold the one person who truly knew him, who understood and cared for him. Goku saw past his exotic physical appearance and loved the person behind it. That was such a relief. It defused his anger at the stupidity of his fellow human beings, who only judged on appearances and then blamed him when what was inside didn't match what they saw. They saw what they thought was a bodhisattva and what they got was an angry young man. An intelligent, capable, highly competent and very worldly angry young man. Goku saw him, though, and loved him and to his astonishment, Sanzo was finding that he could love the elemental in return. It was changing everything. He still wasn't a huge fan of the world in general but Goku lived there, so he'd learn to tolerate it. He took a deep breath and steadied himself.

"I need a drink." he said, drawing his hand across his eyes.

"Why don't you sit down while I get you one?" suggested Goku helpfully.

"Thank you, Saru…" he sighed, making his way to a chair by the fire, while Goku poured him a drink.

"He'll be gone tomorrow, Sanzo, and that'll be the last we'll see of him." Goku gave Sanzo his drink and then sank down at his feet and leaned his head against Sanzo's knee.

"I know. I just wasn't expecting this latest little foray into mindless stupidity." His voice was bitter but he started to relax as his fingers found their way into Goku's hair. Goku pushed up under his hand like an affectionate cat. He looked up at Sanzo, all long silky hair and huge golden eyes and Sanzo couldn't resist leaning down and kissing him. When he pulled away he found it simply wasn't enough. He put down his drink and lifted the little youkai into his lap. Goku's body stretched sensually against him, his arms winding about Sanzo's neck as he returned the kiss. Passion and energy seemed to thrum through his body, lapping at the edges of Sanzo's ki and spilling over until it wrapped like a cloak about Sanzo's body. He could feel it stirring in his hair and running along his skin, like loving, gentle fingers.

"Sanzo…Sanzo…" Goku whispered against his lips "I love you!" There was a yearning note in his voice that made Sanzo's heart turn over. It would be so easy, so very easy to pick Goku up in his arms, carry him to bed and make love to him. But he couldn't do that; he wouldn't become what he despised. To do so would exploit Goku's love and his trust. Goku must be old enough, strong enough, to do this of his own free will, not allow himself to be carried away by Sanzo's desire. Sanzo had been abused and he would not continue that cycle by abusing the one he loved. If a few months, a year, would enable Goku to walk into this entirely because he wanted to, then it would be more than worth the wait, and ample reward for Sanzo's patience. He would do everything possible to make sure that Goku was healthy and happy, well adjusted and secure. Their sexuality must not be permitted to get in the way. Goku must be certain that Sanzo's love was unconditional and limitless and that sex was to be something that Goku wanted, not something that he just accepted because it was expected. The custom at the Temple was the latter rather than the former and Sanzo loathed it. Goku was not going to be another victim of that attitude.

Sanzo just hoped he was strong enough to live up to this. That Goku could come to him for hugs, kisses, love and friendship, that he could lie in Sanzo's arms every night and be certain that Sanzo would allow it to go no further.

"I know you do and I love you just as much!" Sanzo's voice was husky as Goku snuggled closer, curling up safe and comfortable in his lover's embrace. Sanzo's cheek dropped against his hair and they sat like that for a short time, neither speaking, just enjoying the warmth and the sleepy silence.

"The Temple…in some ways it's not healthy, is it?" Goku's voice was quiet in the hushed room.

"What makes you say that, Saru?"

"Well, look at Dougan. Do you think he'd have become that sick if there had been other things to claim his attention? If you could simply have avoided one another? It's as if things can simmer here, like a pot on a stove, until it boils over." Goku frowned. "And then there's the other stuff. The things that go on between the monks and some of the novices and acolytes."

"Has someone been bothering you? Who do I shoot?" Sanzo smiled but found that he was only half joking.

"No, they wouldn't dare! Most of the monks assume I've been your boy from the day you brought me here. None of them would tread on your robes, so I've been mostly excluded from their games. I do wonder what it does to the younger ones, though. It's not like they get to choose, or even like their partners. I know some of the boys despise them and others fear them." Goku looked into his eyes "I'm so glad that the one I love loves me!" His eyes were calm, deep and wise. "I know you're afraid of becoming like them but you aren't capable of that any more than Koumyou was. You're you, not them, and there's nobody even remotely like you. I'm not like anyone else in this temple, either. Sanzo, I'm not lukewarm. I know what I want."

"I know that, Saru, but I don't want you to be forced to be an adult too soon, as I was. Koumyou protected me as a child, nobody laid an unwanted hand on me, but that wasn't the case after his death. I had to look after myself, fend off those who would have hurt me- and I wasn't always able to." He hesitated. It was so difficult to talk about this. Goku was the only person in the world he'd have trusted this far. "I don't want you to have to go through anything that could be even remotely compared to that. Goku was silent for just a moment, allowing Sanzo's words to hover in the warm stillness. Then he took both Sanzo's hands in his own.

"I know that those years were really hard for you, but I don't know any of the details, Sanzo. I'm beginning to think that it was even worse than I feared. If you want to tell me, you can trust me, I won't freak out."

Sanzo kissed the top of his head. "I don't want to trouble you with this, Saru. I'm trying to keep this out of your head, not put it in."

"Who can help you, Sanzo, if not me? Isn't this what friends do for one another? Lovers even more so. Trust me. I'm stronger than I look."

"It's not really that. It's that I'm afraid you won't think as well of me…no that's not quite right. You might not see me in the same way."

"I can't think of anything you could say that would make me love you less. Tell me, Sanzo, and then I'll understand."

He hesitated for a very long moment. "While I was traveling, I stopped at a very small temple, served by a single monk. He made me very welcome, prepared me a bath, cooked me a meal, and gave me clean clothing and a warm bed to sleep in. I was deeply grateful to him but my gratitude obviously wasn't enough. He's slipped a strong sleeping draft into the milk and honey he'd given me before I went to bed. I thought I was just dead tired and drifted off to sleep suspecting nothing at all.

I woke sometime later and he was holding me down. I'd gone to sleep with my hand on my pistol but I couldn't find it. The sutra wasn't by the bed where I'd left it, either. I fought but he was well trained, in good condition and twice my size and being heavily drugged I really didn't stand a chance. He forced me, saying all the time that I was just a bikun whore and he could do as he liked with me because there was nobody to hear if I called for help and nobody would believe me anyway. After all, he went on, it was customary for bikun to earn food and lodging this way. I'd probably done it a hundred times before." Sanzo's lip curled but Goku couldn't tell for certain if his contempt was for the nameless monk or for himself. He snuggled closer and lifted Sanzo's hands to his lips. Sanzo hesitated and looked down at him wonderingly, as if he couldn't believe that after what he'd told him, Goku could respond that way, with such affection, almost reverence.

"I had no real sense of the passage of time at that point." He went on "I think he kept me drugged for some time. I know he…made use of me…several times. I think one of my feet was manacled to the bedstead." He hesitated again, ashamed. "In the end I didn't even manage to escape. A party of pilgrims came through and he was afraid they'd find me and start asking questions, so he tied my hands and feet, loaded me onto his mule, carried me down into the valley, untied me and left me there, along with the gun and my bag. Fortunately, he had no idea what the sutra was, so he left that too." Sanzo came to an exhausted stop. Goku leaned down, picked up his drink and gave it to him. He swallowed it in one draft.

"Sanzo, I'm so sorry…" he nuzzled against Sanzo's throat "I understand what's bothering you now and I wish I could have been there to protect you."

"That's not the point, Saru. There are too many similarities. I never want to be like that. I love you and I never want to hurt you and abuse your trust that way."

"No, you've missed the point." Goku looked up at him; his eyes alight with love and compassion.

"You couldn't do it. He drugged a starving and exhausted boy that he'd taken in and raped him

repeatedly, keeping him drugged to make him manageable. Those are the bones of the story you told me. Where are the similarities to our becoming lovers in the best of good faith? Are you likely to drug me and take me against my will? No. Do you honestly think you could force me to do anything I didn't want to? I'd like to see you try! Do you think I don't want you as much as you want me? My wise and foolish Sanzo, you can't be that naïve! I've loved you from the moment I first saw you!"

"You make it sound so irrational…"

"No! You feel this way because you're a really good person, because you care about me and I'm very grateful for that. It's not about rationality, it's about the way you feel and that doesn't need to be rational." Goku continued. "If you don't feel good about it, then it's not an issue. We wait until you do. I'm not trying to seduce you, to convince you to go against what your heart tells you. We just need to wait until you're happy and comfortable. Sanzo, I love you, I want you to be happy, I want you to be comfortable and at ease with me. The last thing I'd ever want is to be a source of guilt and regret. What lover would do that to the person he loves?"

"When the hell did you get to be so fucking perfect, Saru?" He gathered Goku in and held him tight, as if he was the only stable thing in the world, the only thing he could trust. Goku returned his embrace, clinging close, his body pressed to Sanzo's. He leaned closer and whispered in his lover's ear.

"Come to bed and let me hold you, you're shaking. That must have been hard to talk about. Thank you for being so brave and telling me."

The room was so different since Goku had started to share it with him. It was a place of sanctuary now. His bed was a place where he could hold and be held, where he could speak his mind and his heart, a place of comfort and solace. The fire warmed the room and cast warm red-gold lights on the white walls and bed linen and deepened the reds and golds in the rug that stood before it. Before it had been a monk's cell, luxurious by comparison to some others but Sanzo hadn't cared about comfort or warmth. He was an ascetic and was more likely to inflict hardship upon himself than comfort and ease. Goku was different. He'd been five hundred years locked up in a cold, comfortless prison, alone and friendless. So he loved having a fire in the hearth, soft pillows and warm quilts on the bed and his lover holding him close. Looking into those loving, golden eyes, Sanzo, ascetic though he was, knew that he couldn't deny Goku anything it was within his power to give. Goku broke his chain of thought.

"Do you want to go and see him off tomorrow, so you can be sure he's gone?" asked Goku, as he changed into his night gear.

"Yes, I want to draw a line under his bullshit and I'll be able to do that when I'm sure he's left." Sanzo shrugged out of his robe and pulled his tee shirt over his head.

"We do owe him something, you know, though it's really ironic when you think about it." Goku remarked thoughtfully, tossing a couple more logs on the fire. Sanzo raised an eyebrow. "We might never have spoken unless he'd needled us. We could have gone on for years feeling as we did but never have told one another. By behaving as he did he brought about what he feared. Strange." He slid into bed and held the covers open for Sanzo to join him. Sanzo pulled on his track pants and slipped in beside him. He pulled Goku straight into his arms and held him close.

"How do you feel?" Goku asked, his eyes full of sympathy, his body warm and pliant.

"As if several huge weights have been lifted from me." Sanzo replied. He sighed and then breathed in deeply. "I could never have told anyone but you about what happened to me. I could never have trusted anyone else enough and it's helped, Saru. I might even get over it."

"You'll let me help you?"

"I couldn't do it without you." He smiled as he bore Goku down into the softness of the quilts and pillows.

The morning was cold and snow blew across the courtyard as they watched the luggage being loaded into the car from the concealment of the cloisters. The last thing they wanted was a scene, which would be inevitable if Dougan realised they were there. Dougan was not going alone, the Abbot would accompany him (he wanted to explain matters, at length, to his friend), as well as the driver and a burly young monk, who's presence (it was hoped) would discourage any nonsense on Dougan's part.

Dougan looked cold and dispirited, as if all the fight had been knocked out of him. Sanzo hoped that was the case and they would have no further trouble from him, but there was a vague sense of unease at the back of his mind. Goku, sensing his disquiet, stepped closer, allowing Sanzo to rest an unobtrusive hand on his shoulder. Goku turned his head and smiled up at him.

The engine started and the car pulled away into the grey morning light.

As the car left through the gates, the sun burst through a break in the cloud, washing the courtyard with a beam of clear golden light.

The End

Author's note: Well, this is the end of my story. I have written an epilogue but I can't post it here. You're welcome to come across to my Live Journal and read it. I'll put the link on my info page. Can someone drop me a line and let me know if I'm not supposed to direct people to my NC-17 rated fiction from here? I've tried to contact the admin about this and I haven't received an answer and I'd hate to do anything offensive and find my stories deleted or my account suspended.