A Word from the Author: When I read this fan-fic to my brother, he pointed out a whole bunch of things that I could have done to make things funnier. So I went to him for a bit of advice before posting this. I was inspired by a few of his ideas, and what I came up with in the end was pretty awesome, so this is dedicated to him.
Chapter 6: Rotten Tomatoes
Once upon a time there was a writer named Dreyfus. Dreyfus was very fearful of transition sequences, because he never enjoyed writing them. So one night he huddled up in the closet and plotted a way to go straight to where he wanted to write about...
Rayman suddenly found himself in a swampy location. "Gee, that was weird," Rayman remarked. "I was sure that portal was supposed to lead back to the Teensie Circle... I sure hope the writer of this fan-fic wasn't lazy..." He sighed and scratched his head. "Or that I'm not crazy..."
Rayman decided to look around. He was in a dense, forested swamp. The water was green and murky and everywhere. Why, there was hardly any land at all! What a massive river! "Must be in the Bayou," Rayman grumbled. "I thought that wasn't supposed to happen until Act 3... Oh well. Might as well make the best of it." Rayman was about to take a step forward when
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Admiral Sharpstache sat in his chair, sulking. "My my," he said to his subordinate, "that was a close one. I just hope nobody tells my wife I've been seeing a prostitute..." Realizing the subordinate was a potential tattle-tale, Admiral Sharpstache quickly changed the subject. "Uh, anyway, what's up, uh, doc?"
"Well," the lackey began, "the Tin Terrors just beat the Aluminum Avengers in the World Series. It was 10 to 9, very tight! On Tuesday our team, the Tin Terrors, will go on to duke it out with the Bronze Battalion. It should be an easy win."
"That's, uh, very interesting," the Admiral lied. "So what else was going on while you were playing hooky and watching Disc Football like you weren't supposed to?"
"Well, that lamo Rayman busted Ly out. He's probably off to save Mos--uh, Bzzit--from our interrogators."
"I see... Where is Bzzit now?"
"In the Bayou, sir! Rayman's there!"
"Blast, he's good! We should have locked him up!"
"We did sir; in fact, you did it personally!"
"I did? Oh, uh, oh yeah! I did! Curse you, Rayman! Escape should be illegal!" Admiral Sharpstache snatched a conveniently located Yellow Lum, which until then was getting all cozied up to a Purple Lum. The Admiral proceeded to devour the Yellow Lum. Heartbroken, the Purple Lum flew away crying, only to crash into a wall and faint. Meanwhile, however, a dark shadow ingulfed the room. An unspeakable terror now made its presence known. A terror so horrifying that while being digested little baby Globoxes could have been heard screaming from Rayman's stomach had he been in the presence of this terror. It was none other then the completely horrifying angry housewife, a must-have accessory in any modern home. This one-of-a-kind product is sure to scare away any neighbors, and probably even put shivers up your spine as well! Costing only a fortune, the Spuringline Enraged Pepperpot, from the makers of the #1-rated stapler, is not available in stores! Call the number below or go to www.Iwantabadmarraige.fr to get your's today! Plus, if you call now, we'll send you a free Cranky Toddler with your order (just pay shipping and handling). Hurry, while stocks last! The number is:
01-9-MAD-WIFE
"Shnoogums! What are you doing here?" Admiral Sharpstache gasped. "Shouldn't you be in the closet?"
"Oh don't give me that garbage!" Sharpbride snapped. "I want an explanation, and I want it now! I know what you've been up to, Harold Sharpstache!"
The Admiral panicked. Did Sharpbride know about Ly!? "Um, what are you talking about Barbara? What do you mean?"
"You know exactly what I mean, Harold!"
"I...I can explain!"
"Then hurry up!"
"Well, there was this ad in the newspaper about a woman for 10,000 euros offering a pleasurable--"
"What are you talking about? I was here to scold you about the missing World Famous Cave of Bad Dreams Bananas! I bought 10 yesterday while we were invading the Marshes of Rude Awakening, and now they're all gone! Don't you dare blame the Ape Pirates, I know it was you!"
Hoping his affair with Ly wouldn't be remembered, the Admiral scurried to find some excuse as to why the World Famous Cave of Bad Dreams Bananas were gone. "Well, um..." he began. Suddenly, he got an idea! "Well you see, this lamo named Rayman was locked up, right? Well, he escaped. And before leaving he ate all your World Famous Cave of Bad Dreams Bananas! And then he threw out the World Famous Cave of Bad Dreams Banana Peels!"
"He can't do that!" Sharpbride screeched. "Everybody knows your not allowed to throw away World Famous Banana Peels! Why, when our Cranky Toddler did that to the World Famous Fairy Council Purple Banana Peels, he blew the Heart of the World up! And I was wanting to keep it as a souvenier! We have to kill that Rayman, Harold, before he ruins everything!"
"But what shall we do, Barbara? He's already busted out a woman I've never had an affair with from the Fairy Glade!"
"Send the warships, Harold! Blow him out of the swamp! And that's an order!"
Meanwhile, Sharpstache's lackey was busy constructing a horrible monster of his own...
-
Rayman popped out of the portal and back into the Teensie Circle. "What the heck!?" he gasped. "Just a minute ago the writer was lazy and sent me to the Bayou! What am I doing back here?"
"He changed his mind, handsome," a nearby Itty Bitty Teensie explained. "Everybody knows that."
"Well I didn't," Rayman grumbled.
"That's because you're exceedingly stupid, weren't you watching Who Doesn't Want to be a Millionaire? That was the answer to the final question, your IQ!"
Rayman looked around. "Say, long face, where's ol' twinkle toes. You know, the governor guy? Isn't he supposed to be head of this place?"
"Oh, him? Well, cutie, the last time I saw him a rabid fairy jumped out of a limosine and said something like, 'I told you I'd kill you when I escaped!' Then she fired a laser from her eyes and disintegrated him! I'm the replacement, and I'd like you to marry me!"
"Actually, I have to be going," Rayman lied. "Uh, the writer put me in the Bayou, and I sure as heck would rather there than here."
"But don't you love me?"
"Sorry, but no."
"I thought we had something special! What about all those times we shared together?"
"We didn't share any time together, bub."
"Don't think I don't remember that time watching the sunset! And my name isn't Bub! It's George Washington! You can't even remember my own name! You've changed, Rayman, you've changed!"
"Uh, I really have to be going somewhere right now..."
"What about the kids? Don't they mean anything to you?"
"WHAT KIDS!?"
"Don't pretend they don't exist!"
"Seriously, George Washington, they don't. I really have to be going."
"But what about me? What about us!?"
"I don't know. I'm done with you, uh, sweetheart," Rayman muttered. George Washington made a quivering gasp of sorrow and shock. His poor little Itty Bitty Teensie mind couldn't stand it. He ubruptly fainted. Rayman gestured a gesture of success and whispered "Yesssss" before scurrying away back to the Bayou.
-
As Rayman returned to the Bayou, he heard a familiar buzzing sound. To go with it, was a familiar sound of diabolical low-budget laughter. It was a very disturbing and unpleasing sound. Rayman suddenly wished he could have been anywhere but with George Washington or the buzzing sound. He remembered that laugh... It had terrible voice-to-mouth syncing, and hardly matched the source at all. Something really had to be done, but that was for later. For now, he paranoidly darted his eyes back and forth, searching for the terror that was nigh.
Suddenly, out of nowhere a large purple mosquito appeared. Hark! Who should it be but the unscathingly determined MOSKITO! (cue suspense jingle) "Moskito!" Rayman hissed. "It can't be you!"
"None other than I, Rayman," Moskito cackled. But he glanced around and bent towards the limbless lamo and whispered, "You may want to be quiet about the 'Moskito' thing, though. I'm going undercover as 'Bzzit, the Moskito Cameo Appearance.' If people knew it was me, then it wouldn't be a secret cameo, now would it? So keep my real name quiet and call me Bzzit!"
"Okay, Bzzit," Rayman happily agreed. "Anything for you, buddy. Now, where were we... Oh yes! So, Bzzit, you show your face at last! I should have known your putrid face would be buzzing around here! What is it you want?"
"Revenge, Rayman, revenge. I haven't forgotten what you did to me in my nest back in the prequel to this rediculously silly story that we are now in. I want pay back for the damage you caused! That, and I'm on the run from the tin can pirates. Apparently, they're angry that I haven't paid my taxes. And any time now, they'll realize that I jacked the World Famous Cave of Bad Dreams Bananas that I stole from them. So I'm really in for it! Also, the big boss Ancel says that I'll survive through the end of this overly silly story if I advertise the up-coming Rayman Advance by making cameo appearances in his games. So I've got loads of reasons to be here, but only one reason to kill you! You're special!"
"I know I'm special, Bzzit, but that's no excuse for you to throw tomatoes at me. I'm a better actor than you'll ever be. I still haven't revealed that the only reason why I'm in this game is that I bribed Ancel. The moment I quit bribing him, he'll go back to his original Rayman 2 idea and make me dance with bunnies. Luckily, nobody knows my dirty secret."
"What!? Ancel's gonna make a...dare I say it...spin-off!? Say it isn't so!" Moskito shuddered.
"It is. And it involves...a bad storyline!"
"No! Stop that! You'll give me nightmares!"
"And nobody will be in it but rabbits, tasty morsels known as glutes, and me. And I won't be as popular as I was before."
"Grrr, your games always make a mess of things! No more talk! Now we battle!"
"Bring it on, bug boy!" Rayman challenged. "I'm not afraid of your tomatoes!"
"How many times do I have to tell you!? They aren't tomatoes! They're ULTRA-COOL PRICKLY PLANTS OF DOOM AND GRAPHIC DEATH 3000! And I got the latest model just to make you kick the bucket! I even took over the Friends of the Bucket Association and blew it up, just so that you could kick that bucket!" With that, Moskito made an evil, evil laugh! Oh he was so happy! The next minute, however, Rayman proceeded to kick Moskito's insectoid butt 2,000 times. Once the minute was over, Rayman happily smiled and started walking away. But Moskito wasn't through with Rayman. "Wait, Rayman!" the bug cackled. "I have something to tell you. Your mother is obsessed with The Drug Dealing Wizard of Lawz, right?"
"Yes, why?"
"Because. Word has it she disowned you...for a pair of ruby cooking mittens! Hah! Who's got the last laugh now?"
"The readers, probably," Rayman muttered. He realized how terrible the news was, though, and ran away bursting in tears. Not even paying attention to where he was going, he ran right into a cage and broke it. Out popped an Itty Bitty Teensie wearing a flamboyant hat. "Yo, Rayman, I'm Edward, the President of the Moskito Fan Club! I hear you're his arch-enemy who he now wishes to destroy violently with high-tech vegetables!" the Itty Bitty Teensie declared. "Can I have your autograph, big boy? I'll even throw in this portal..." A Magic Spiral Door opened up beside a tree. Rayman, proud of his status as Most Wanted by Moskito, signed his name on the Itty Bitty Teensie's incredulously long nose and gratefully hopped into the portal. Only as he spiraled back to the Teensie Circle did he remember George Washington.
A Word from the Author: I hope I got the French Phone Number style right... I hope you enjoyed it! There's a bunch of references to the prequel, Rayman - How Things Should Have Been, so I hope you were able to pick them all out. Reviews always welcome and appreciated.