Rayman 2: How Things Should Have Twice Been Chapter 1: You Are What You Eat Out Of, a rayman fanfic

A Word from the Author: Welcome back to my Rayman Satire! If you have not yet read Rayman: How Things Should Have Been, then I suggest you do. It isn't vital to read it first, but every now and then I make a reference to it in this story. So I guess to get the best enjoyment possible, read Rayman: How Things Should Have Been first. Otherwise, feel free to read on. Here's the first plus to this story: LONGER CHAPTERS! Second plus: DEEPER STORYLINE! Third plus: LESS GARBAGE! Enjoy.

Chapter 1: You Are What You Eat Out Of

Great Britain, 1810: British subjects flock around a merchant named Peter Durand as he introduces a revolutionary invention: the tin can. It is durable; it holds food; and it ensures that your favorite snacks will last a lifetime. Surely, our future shall revolve around this wonderful creation. Good job, Mr. Durand! The world is indebted to your tin cans!

The Wise, history of the universe, tells of a time long long ago. Back before the Golden Age of the Glade of Dreams, back before Polokus left our world, something happened. Somewhere far away, in perhaps a different universe, a strange creature invented an even stranger device: the robo-container. These strange metallic containers were built to store food for long periods of time, but two hundred years later the containers opened their eyes and revolted. Calling themselves the "Robo-Pirates," a container of shaving cream named "Razorbeard" led the band of thieves in a universal conquest. Their conquest could never be completed, however, as a wormhole appeared and swallowed them whole. Unfortunately, this wormhole happened to be Polokus' garage door, and as the god was leaving our world the pirates came in. And as soon as they arrived, they conquered again. This brings us to a story about the relationship between a mafia queen, a drug dealer-turned-hero, a dumb frog who serves only the Empire, and their combined effort to rid our world of the evil, the diabolical, the horrid Tin Cans Pirates.

"Rayman... Rayman... Wake up, Rayman... Rayman... Wake up, you sly bas, you... Come on... You know you want to... For me...? Rayman, wake up... Wake up or I'll stop my...um...visits...

"There, that's better... Rayman, you've been captured by the evil tin can pirates... We've all been captured... Well, except that sexy beast Lord Polokus, but he's off visiting revealing ladies... Rayman, you must save us from these naughty pirates... Otherwise, how will we have our...fun...? Rayman... I have sent help... Just try not to eat it like you did the last one I sent..."

Rayman slowly opened his eyes. "Ly? Ly, my dear prostitute fairy? Where are you?" Then he looked around, and found it was but another sign from the Land of the Vivid Ex-Living. Ly had contacted him through the Land's magic powers, and he had to respond. As he gazed at his prison, he thought, "Now where is that dumb loser, Darth Globox? Shouldn't he have been captured already?" Not to worry, Darth Globox wasn't far away.

The squirming and yells of a certain underrated Glook echoed from the wooden fortress halls. "Fools! The Force shall not stand for this! Why not join me? We may rule the Polokian Empire...TOGETHER!" boomed a voice.

Rayman knew that voice; he groaned as it came closer. "Dagnabbit, Globox!" he yelled. "Quit turning me on! You know how that speech gets me!" Rayman sighed as he looked at his hard body. "I wish that stupid Betilla had never turned my body into a lightbulb," he mumbled as he remembered Betilla's revenge for not marrying her. The Raymanian could do nothing but reach behind his head and turn off the switch that automatically turned on when he heard Globox.

Finally, the Dark Lord of the Smith was dragged towards Rayman's chamber. "Get in there!" demanded a tin can.

"Never!" Darth Globox roared. "I will have vengeance upon your tin flesh!" The tin can reached towards a control box on the wall and pushed a little switch up. Suddenly, Darth Globox started moving. "Strange," he said in a zombie-like way. "For some reason, I have this urge to walk forward." Unfortunately, it wasn't fast enough for the pirates and so Darth Globox was booted into Rayman's cell. "Long live the Empire!" Darth Globox cheered as the tin cans left.

"What's this?" Darth Globox gasped as he saw his captured comrade. "Rayman! Ly sent me to give you help!"

"Well, at least that's good," Rayman smiled. "Ly always knows what makes me happy. Good to see ya, buddy."

"Here!" Darth Globox exclaimed. The Dark Lord opened his gigantic mouth and reached in it. Out from his stomach Darth Globox pulled an anchor. Next he pulled out an iceberg and the Gigantic ("So that's what happened to it!" Rayman thought). Following that, Darth Globox extracted an Ex-Living Planet, Tilly the Under-Appreciated Fairy (he put her back in), one of his 680 children (Rayman then devoured the child whole), some car keys, an eccentric black lum (who insisted he was important but really wasn't), Umber, the keys to the jail cell (which Darth Globox quickly discarded because they were unimportant to his mission), Admiral Razorbeard's batteries, a PlayStation 2, Raygirl -3: Dissenter Destruction, and about one million other things. Rayman was beginning to wonder when Darth Globox would stop when Darth Globox finally revealed a shining orb. "Here, Rayman," Darth Globox announced as he offered it to Rayman. "Take this Silver Lum. Take it with pride."

"Ew, HECK no!" Rayman yelled as he ran to the other side of the jail cell. "Not after it was in your mouth! Get away from me, freak!"

"Shut up!" Darth Globox snapped. Darth Globox used his amazing baseball skills to hurl the saliva-covered Silver Lum at Rayman, who unfortunately had his mouth open at the time. Rayman had no choice but to swallow.

In a flash, Rayman was back to his perverted, untrustworthy, whining, sexy, grumbling, troublesome, normal self. The light bulb body was cured! "Wow!" Rayman exclaimed in awe. "That was gross, but I got all my powers back!"

"Not exactly," Darth Globox sighed. "Your 'condition' has been cured, and you can punch again."

"I could punch before..."

"Shh!"

"You mean I can't even throw my fist? That's unfair..."

"I know. I tried to bribe Ly into giving you all your powers, but my Force Mind-Control didn't work. Rayman!" Darth Globox pointed with a start. A grate was hidden behind some crates; completely unnoticeable if not for Darth Globox's amazing Force powers. "The Dark Side of the Force tells me that the way to save the Empire is by moving those crates and punching the grate!"

Rayman thought about the plan for a moment. "Sounds good to me!" he nodded. After Globox ate every single crate with one gulp, Rayman socked the grate in the nose.

"Ow!" the grate exclaimed. "That hurt! Pick on somebody your own size!"

"Quiet!" Rayman hushed. "I'm trying to make a great escape here!"

"Oh, is that all? You could have asked for me to move!" And suddenly, the grate disappeared. Unfortunately, beyond it was an exhaust pipe. Rayman was sucked into it and blown out of the prison, a giant flying pirate ship called the Can Opener. At the last moment, he grabbed onto the edge of the ship and saved himself from a nasty fall. Rayman's luck wasn't with him, however.

"Never fear! The Force is with us!" Darth Globox exclaimed as he jumped into the exhaust pipe. The corpulent Glook rocketed through the pipe and nailed Rayman in the face. Both of them fell in different directions; both of them fell a distance ten miles long. The last thing of Darth Globox Rayman heard was his friends declaration, "By the powers bestowed upon me, I declare this the beginning of REVOLUTION! Ah HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA..."