Kurt/Scott. Offended? Leave. Not offended? Stay! Very simple.
The tune "Song From an American Movie Pt. 2" is by Everclear, the lyrics were written by Art Alexakis. I love Everclear so much that I really think suing would be a considerably stupid thing to do. Especially considering the amount of money I've spent on them so far. ::blows kiss:: Love you Art!
As for Scott and Kurt… and any other "X-Men" characters that I happen to mention… I don't own 'em. And I whole-heartedly admit it.
This story was actually written in a mucho unhappy stupor, despite how fluffy it is. Funny, eh? And I don't know German… I just got some translations off of babelfish.com. If the grammar is wrong, feel free to correct me.
Volume Two
I think it's safe to say…
~Sometimes I get to a point where I don't give a damn
about anything anymore
Sometimes I get to a point where I feel numb and I just don't care
Sometimes I feel like I just don't care~
Living my whole life like some freak in a goldfish bowl, where people stare and gawk and try to imagine "What's it like? What's it like?"
Blue fur, pointed ears, three fingers on each hand, and two toes on each foot. Unusual, ain't I? Well, there's unusual, there's eccentric, there's unique… and for the people who are too unique, there's…
Ich bin ein Begeisterter. (1)
Ah, labels.
But some people don't give you labels.
"Dude, just don't hassle me about my shades and we'll call it even."
And he'd give me a little smile like I was normal, just like any other person he might run into.
~I sit
inside my car and listen to the radio
I think about the past and it seems so long ago
I know the pain is slowly going to fade
This life is going to get better
(Things are going to be better)~
And maybe that was all I'd ever really wanted was that unconditional acceptance, that sense that no matter what I ever looked like or did in this world I'd still be the same person, and the same expectations would be held of me.
A fantasy, surely, but such an enticing one. And he was an enticing fantasy as well, tall, slim, and muscular with silky brown hair and an easy smile. Sometimes he dwelled too highly on the negative, but that was only to be expected.
Sometimes I think my only regret was never knowing what color his eyes really were, never being able to examine his irises without the barrier of his visor or sunglasses. Ah, but we all pay prices, I suppose.
The first time he was alone with me, he told me to take my holo-watch off.
"It's stupid, don't you think? Do you really want to hide behind that thing when there's no need?"
~I
wait until my ex-wife has gone away
I walk around the house getting lost inside the old days
I see a picture where everybody's smiling...
I
know... I got to keep it on the inside~
When he said
that, my heart skipped a beat. No, I didn't want to hide… but there was always
a need, wasn't there? Because Kitty became squeamish at the sight of my face,
I, in turn, had become self-conscious of being without the barrier, the safety
net, of my holographic inducer.
When I took off the watch, it was like taking off a layer of skin. I felt naked, exposed, in front of Scott, of all people. A person I admired and respected. A person whom I found myself thinking about more and more often.
And he just stared at me, stared without curiosity and without a trace of judgment. He was just drinking it in, swallowing it, swallowing me and my appearance. The attention made me uncomfortable; I began to fidget, a nervous habit.
He lifted a hand to my face and I wasn't sure what I assumed. I assumed something, that he wanted to feel the fur or the ears for himself or just…
I don't know.
But instead he ran his fingers through my hair, very softly, barely touching my scalp and not pulling at all. I let my eyelids slide half-closed and just watched him. He had brought his other hand into my hair as well and was pushing it out of my eyes, pushing it back and towering over me, and pushing it back, pushing it back…
~I want to get lost from my life sometimes
Sit on the side and watch the world go by
I want to get lost and I don't know why
Sometimes I want to get lost and I don't know why~
And then, in one smooth motion his lips were on
mine, pressing gentle, hot, and wet. Somehow it didn't surprise me, nothing
surprised me; I stood, numbly, and let him kiss me.
First kisses should be sweet, but this was just bitter. It felt good, it felt so good, but it wasn't right because no one was supposed to want to kiss me.
Ich bin häßlich.(2)
Especially not boys, boys don't kiss boys. Gee, Scott. If you wanted to make my life even more complicated, you sure picked the best way to do it, ha ha.
And then I thought about how we'd look making love, sprawled on my bed, legs entangled, embracing, and just feeling, feeling each other, feeling a pleasure to make up for years of torment.
~(Sometimes I want to get lost and dream for a while)~
All I felt in that instant was selfish desire, a desire to possess and be possessed and just have the love and acceptance I dreamed about. I wrapped my arms around his waist and pushed my body against his, relishing the warmth and pure emotion in the act. I felt his mouth open against mine and I followed his lead, parting my lips to accept a greedy conquest of my mouth; when our tongues touched, I gasped.
It was a mistake. Scott took my gasp to mean horror and not excitement; he pushed me away from him and turned to face the opposite wall.
Ich verletzte.(3)
It was only then that it occurred to me how nervous this may have made him, how much courage he may have had to find just to touch me. I idly began to wonder about all the time we'd spent together as friends, all the times our hands had accidentally touched, all the times Scott had pulled me away from something dangerous. Had he been thinking about whether, someday, he'd kiss me? Or fuck me? Or just hold me? Had he wanted someone to hold him?
It was
puzzling.
~Waiting for my little girl
Waiting on the school bus
We're going to the movies
Yeah just the two of us
Sit inside the dark and dream for awhile
Our life is going to get better (Yeah it's going to be better)~
His back
was still to me; he'd stuffed his hands in his pockets. "I'm sorry," his
voice cracked, "I'm sorry… that was uncalled for. I just-"
You just what, you idiot? Professed your undying love for me, made an
offer, gave me a sign, what? But I didn't say that, I just tiptoed behind him
and put my hand on his back.
"I can't read your mind like Jean can," My words sounded too loud, too sarcastic, but it was too late to change them, "You'll have to tell me what you want."
"I don't know what I want."
Ich auch nicht, mein Freund. (4)
Or should I say, mein Geliebter. (5)
~I
wake up weird in the middle of the night
I walk the floor until my mind gets right
I think about the past and it makes me want to cry
I know I got to keep it on the inside~
I could feel him breathe with my hand pressed into the
small of his back. It was so reassuring and human, especially coming from a
person that I normally thought of as infallible. I stepped closer and leaned my
head on his shoulder, listening to it all: his breath, his pulse, the slightest
noise of him swallowing. It was ethereal.
"Ich könnte auf Sie hören atme für immer." (6)
"What?"
"Nothing," I sighed and let my hands circle his waist, holding him there with me, "Just thinking out loud."
"Oh."
Awkward, it was awkward now, and there wasn't any way I was having that for long. The silence would have been fine had it not been so fucking uncomfortable, which I could tell that it was because I could feel Scott panicking and worrying. I could feel it every time he shifted his weight, sighed a little, or played nervous games with his pants pockets.
I stretched my neck upward slightly so that my mouth could be even with his ear. On impulse, I flicked my tongue out to taste the skin of his earlobe. He inhaled sharply and stiffened. "Calm yourself…" I whispered, "Where's the calm, cool, and composed Scott that we all thought we knew?"
He swallowed. "Hiding." His voice squeaked harshly on the second syllable; he cleared his throat with embarrassment. "Hiding in sheer terror."
Ah.
"Am I that intimidating?"
Another swallow. "Yes."
~I want to get lost from my life sometimes
Sit on the side and watch the world go by
I want to get lost in the dark and dream for awhile
Just sit inside a dark room and dream for awhile~
I slipped my hands from around his waist and took a step back. Excitement
tingled through every part of my body: sexual excitement, emotional excitement.
We were so close, so close dammit, yet I got the sense that neither of us would
be terribly good at the communication necessary to start a relationship, or
even get us out of the library where we'd been conducting our fleeting romantic
tryst. At least, not on our own terms; at this point, one of us needed to step
forward and make this work.
"Ach, sie bilden dieses so schwierig." (7) I whispered playfully, walking a little circle around his body so we could stand face to face.
"Hmm?" The confusion on his face was priceless; to add to it, I took his hand in mine and lifted it my lips.
"Sie sind das schönste Geschöpf in der Welt." (8) He smiled shyly, not knowing what the words meant, but certainly comprehending that they were in some way complimentary.
"I like it when you speak in German," he pulled me slightly closer, our hands still entwined, "You have a beautiful voice."
"Danke," (9) I stood on my toes to kiss him on the cheek, squeezing his hand to reaffirm our connection. "Follow me?"
"Sure." Again, his bewilderment was apparent, making me think that he truly hadn't expected me to respond the way I had to the kiss, and had therefore not planned past it. So very interesting…
~The only thing that ever makes sense to me
Is the words to a song from an American movie
The only thing that ever made sense in my life
Is the sound of my little girl laughing
Alive and happy in the summertime~
I led him out of the library, our fingers still curled around one
another's. Such a strange sight, truly this is diversity when blue skin meets
white skin in such an intimate fashion. As the doors closed behind us, I
wondered if I'd ever be able to look at the room in the same way. It had just
been where we'd stopped, where he'd told me to take the watch off. And now it
was suddenly a landmark for us, or whatever us would become.
I began to direct him along the hallways toward my room, constantly vigilant for other, intruding members of the Institute. But all was quiet. The whole world was quiet except for us, naughty children up past their bedtime.
I shoved him unceremoniously through the door to my room, quickly hustling behind it myself, shutting and locking it with a smooth twist of my tail. Scott sat stiffly on the bed's edge and, once again, I found myself imagining how we'd look together. On top of the sheets or under them? Would I be beneath him, gasping and groaning with my legs around his waist? How would it work? How would it be arranged?
Blushing slightly, I pulled a chair up across from his position on the bed and sat. We stared at each other for a moment before I spoke.
"Scott-"
"It's not right, you know."
~I am just like everyone I know
I am afraid of things that I don't know
I am afraid of ever really being alone
I want to find myself a brand new heart
I want to find a girl and make a brand new start
I want to find a girl and get lost in the dark~
He was staring at me, facial expressions taught and determined, no trace of his previous anxiety. More familiar surroundings, a more secluded locale, the fact that it was just him and me, him and me…
"What's not right?" I shifted uncomfortably in my seat, afraid of what was to come. I didn't want him to say what I thought he was going to say, didn't want to hear it because it had been so nice just to hold someone…
"The way she treats you," He shook his head, "It's not right."
"The way… what?" I sat up as if I'd been pinched. No, this wasn't what I'd been expecting at all, what was he talking about?
"Kitty." His voice was monotone, not betraying a single emotion. Ah yes. Kitty, Kitty, pretty Kitty. Whosoever follows Kitty should be advised that she has claws, sharp ones, and that she's unafraid to scratch them down your soul. "Kitty. I know you… like her."
Oh god. It was hurting him to say it. Did it hurt him when Kitty and I walked together, side-by-side? Kurt and Kitty, Kitty and Kurt… look at how happy they are.
It was all bullshit. Did he know it? No, no…
Scheiße. (10)
"I know you do, but… Kurt. She can't get past your appearance, Kurt." Fuck, he was right, he was so right, but liking Kitty was just so normal… dammit, so normal. He slid off the bed looking like a wounded puppy and laid his head in my lap. I could feel his warm breath through the fabric of my pants, I could feel his fingers tickling my calves. I gripped the armrests helplessly. "Please… just consider…"
"Consider what?" I spat at him. He twitched as if I had struck him. "First you say you don't know what you want, now suddenly I'm supposed to be considering something? Make up your mind, damn you, make up your mind!" There were tears at the corners of my eyes but I was determined to keep them from falling.
His voice was tiny as it broke the silence. "Please, consider…"
"What?"
He stared up at me and it bothered me, bothered me that
I couldn't see his eyes through his customary sunglasses. "Be my lover."
~The only thing that ever makes sense to me
Is the words to a song from an American movie
The only thing that ever made sense in my life
Is the sound of my little girl laughing
Through the window of a summer night~
Oh, oh, oh ladies and gentlemen! Boys and girls! Devoted members of the press! We all knew this was coming, didn't we? And as much as I'd hoped, suspected, wondered, pondered, dreamed it still caught me by surprise. "Jean," I croaked, my breath having been somewhat taken away by this startling development, "What about-?"
"Jean has her own agenda." That she did, that she did. And I expected it included Duncan and not Scott. "Besides… I don't… I'm not in…"
"Love with her?" Sorry, Liebling (11), it seemed like the appropriate thing to say.
"Yes." He looked up at me again, his fingers extended to brush the contours of my cheeks, trailing gently in the short fur. It felt nice.
"Scott," I felt like I was choking it was so goddamned emotional and I was so fucking suspicious of everything; how nice would it have been to say 'yes', I wonder? Yes with no strings attached, no hidden fears. No fears at all. "Scott, I don't want you to get hurt… It's so complicated… Society already hates us…" I didn't want to say it, but it was true… And if I was sitting there letting another boy pet my face and tell me he loved me, maybe it had to be said.
Ich bin homosexuell. (12)
Wir sind homosexuell. (13)
Wir sind Begeisterten. (14)
"I don't want you to get hurt," So determined and so beautiful, I couldn't believe it. "Which is why I'm leaving it up to you. If you say no… I understand."
Had anyone ever given me such freedom as that, such love as that? No, never. Masculinity and pride be damned, I was crying now like some little baby, tears soaking into my fur before Scott's fast fingers could brush them away. They were like cleansing drops of my soul, falling away. My silly infatuation with Kitty. Drop. Months of wet dreams and hoping, praying that I wasn't the person I was. Drop.
What everyone else thought. Drop.
~I sit alone in the backyard wishing I could be inside
Just the sound of my little girl laughing
Makes me happy just to be alive~
"Stay with me," His expression eclipsed into one of hope, "Stay with me, here in my room, tonight. Will you…?"
"Yes," he replied so quickly that I giggled through my tears, "Yes, of course I will."
"Sleep with me?" There was a pause as he struggled to comprehend.
"What?"
"Sleep with me." I took his hands in mine and nodded toward my bed. "Tonight. Will you?"
"I…"
"Make love with me."
He stood, still cupping my hands in his. "If you want to."
"I do."
~Sometimes I am happy just to be alive~
I did. And we did and it was wonderful, the two freaks moving in tandem; every time he touched me it was like being taught, reeducation for Kurt and Scott. We all learn, slowly.
And here we still sleep side-by-side, happy some days, unhappy others.
If I'm still trapped in the goldfish bowl of life, at least
I have company. Hidden away from prying eyes, our lives continue. I don't think
I mind so much.
Manchmal bin ich glücklich gerade, lebendig zu sein. (15)
Die einzige Sache, die mir
überhaupt sinnvoll ist, ist die Wörter zu einem Song von einem amerikanischen
Film. (16)
(1)- I am a freak.
(2)- I am ugly.
(3)- I hurt.
(4)- Me neither, my friend.
(5)- My lover.
(6)- I could listen to you breathe forever.
(7)- Oh, you make this so difficult.
(8)- You are the most beautiful creature in the world.
(9)- Thanks.
(10)- Shit.
(11)- Darling.
(12)- I am gay.
(13)- We are gay.
(14)- We are freaks.
(15)- Sometimes I am happy just to be alive.
(16)- The only thing that ever makes sense to me is the words to a song from an American movie.