The Nurturer

"Maybe they were suffocating each other," he said.

She felt as if the air had been knocked from her lungs but she recovered quickly sending back her own barb which caused him to flee the room. It had been this way for weeks. It seemed they had been trying to tell one another something but not getting to the point. This last statement sent a message loud and clear to Sara.

She told herself she could live with the occasional invite to his home in which more hours were spent in bed rather than sitting and talking and doing things together. She had told herself she could even live with the secrecy. She was a private person and was not the type to kiss and tell. She had told herself she could even live with his moodiness. He seemed to be distant at times and as soon as she tried to give him space, they would find themselves once again writhing between the sheets. The sex was good. It was better than anything she had ever imagined. He was exactly what she imagined…well, almost.

She had resigned herself to take whatever he would offer without complaint until that morning she woke and realized that everything had changed. Their secret would soon be known to all and their current relationship would no longer be the same. Their entire lives changed just because of the lines on a plastic stick.

It had completely taken her off guard and she wondered how it could have happened. He had been responsible for the birth control. He had from the beginning not asking if she were on birth control pills. She wasn't but he had never asked and she often wondered if perhaps it was another one of his fears or his need to be in control.

You were in control….

You were responsible…

She had intended to tell him so many times but their conversations led to other things and she found herself putting it off until one day she dropped by to talk with him and found his leave request partially completed on the counter. She knew something was wrong the moment he opened the door and seemed hesitant to let her in. She felt a feeling of dread wash over her and for a moment thought perhaps he was not alone because he directed her to the kitchen while he scurried toward the bedroom closing the door and then returning.

She glanced back and the bedroom door remained closed. She took it to mean there would be no romp in the bed later. She didn't much care. She had not been feeling well since the moment she took the pregnancy test and knew that it was nerves. One glance and she saw the leave request. He did not try to hide it like the bedroom. As he made coffee, she found herself looking out the back deck.

She had spent hours and hours working in the flower garden. It was a project they had both enjoyed. The rose bush would soon be in bloom. He had told her it would never live. She had insisted on buying it that day at the nursery and the owner had practically given it to her telling her the same. She had nursed the plant slowly back to life and now it was vibrant and beautiful. She had been looking forward to seeing it in full bloom. She quickly swiped away a tear that threatened.

I'm suffocating you…

You've grown tired of me….

You're leaving…

Me…

His words returned and her mind quickly ran through all of their cryptic conversations these past few weeks and she realized he had been trying to tell her that it was over. He had taken the chance and let her in. It was all she ever wanted. She could not ask anything more. He had tried. He did not want her. He did not love her. She felt the air slowly leave her lungs and she knew that she must leave before she crumbled from the truth that had been staring her in the face all these weeks.

"I uhm have to go," she said as she hurried to the room ignoring the coffee cups that he held in his hand.

"Sara…"

"It's fine…I get it," she said as she felt her hand turning the door knob. He quickly set the coffee cups down intending to explain his behavior these past few weeks but when he turned she was gone.

She sat there in the break room with the cup of tea firmly in her grasp. She did not trust her grip these days. Things seemed to slip from her fingers and come crashing to the floor. Her best coffee cups were in the trash. The first two she had thrown when she returned that day as she had let herself fall apart. A few had slipped from her grasp when she rushed to the bathroom the moment the nausea hit.

She had been listening to the rumors all morning. She knew he was going. She had seen the leave request days ago. She did not remember the dates. She did not wish to know. Just knowing that he would be gone soon was enough to send her emotions in overdrive. The hormones did not help. She had been grateful she had managed to avoid him these past several days. It had given her enough time to put her guard back up.

"I heard he's not coming back," said Nick.

"Griss would tell us," said Warrick. "He wouldn't leave without telling us."

"Men like him don't say goodbye," said Nick.

Men like him….

There are no men like him…

I'll never find someone else like him….

I'll never love anyone like him…

He never told me he loved me…

I told him…

I loved him…

It's what caused him to become so distant…

Why did I have to tell him?

He knew I wanted more…his love…

He didn't…

I have more….

His child…

"Sara?"

She looked up to see Nick sitting across from her.

"Hmmm?"

"You okay?" he asked.

"Sorry…did you say something?"

"Has Grissom said anything to you? Do you know where he's going?"

"Why would I know?" she asked getting up and pouring out the tea. She turned and felt the cup slip from her hand sending it crashing to the floor.

"Whoa someone's had too much caffeine," said Warrick.

She stood there staring at the broken glass. It had been her favorite cup. He had gotten it for her as a welcoming gift her first day at the lab.

"Sara?"

She looked up the moment she felt the hand on her arm.

"You okay?" Nick asked once more.

"Yes," she managed to get out as she knelt down and began picking up the glass.

"I'll help," said Nick.

She stood now holding the larger pieces in her hand.

"Your favorite?" he asked.

"I've had it ever since I started working here," she said.

"Wow….and no one stole it? I've gone through three or four myself," said Nick.

Grissom stepped into the break room and stopped the moment he saw the broken pieces in her hand.

"Mishap?" he asked.

She would have jumped had it not been for Nick leaning so close into her body. She used him as a shield.

"No…some things just don't last…do they?" she said as she avoided eye contact as she dropped the pieces into the garbage can and left.

He had not been prepared for that. Her sudden departure the other day had caused him to sit down and reassess his entire situation. He had intended to invite her over for dinner to explain the sudden sabbatical. He had promised a year ago to fill in and had forgotten about it. He could have gotten out of it but he felt the distance and the separation would help them.

He wasn't sure why he had been pulling away.

That wasn't exactly true.

She had uttered those three little words after a bout of lovemaking and it had scared the hell out of him. She loved him. That was not the scary part. The scary part was that he had loved her the moment he had met her in San Francisco. He had wanted more from their relationship but he did not know how that was possible. They had already violated department rules. Their entire relationship was difficult at best.

He had intended to use the time to figure out a way out of the mess. He wanted Sara. He wanted more than secrets and crumpled sheets that were warm only for a few hours. He wanted her in his bed all the time but lately they seemed to be at odds with one another.

The phone calls ended.

The visits between shifts ended.

The quiet talks in the lab ended.

Even the cryptic messages had stopped until this evening.

He wasn't prepared for the hug from Nick and the declaration that he was not coming back. He whirled around now and wondered if that was what she thought.

I'm coming back…

I would never leave…

He planned to talk with her.

He intended to tell her he would be back.

He intended to tell her that he would miss her.

He intended to tell her so many things but he was not prepared for those chances to be taken from him the moment the shift began. They were not prepared for the multiple car pileup resulting in several deaths. They hurried along trying to beat the rain from washing away the evidence. As the hours passed, he saw his opportunity slipping away. He glanced at his watch and knew his flight would be leaving soon.

I can't leave like this…

I haven't told her…

I need to tell her…

Sara sealed the evidence bag and glanced up as she felt the first drop of rain. She glanced around and cursed. She knew he was leaving. She had intended to tell him so many things.

I'm pregnant…

I want this baby…

I want you to be happy…

I want you to be a part of the baby's life…

You don't have to love me…

Just be a father…

She felt her stomach lurch when she saw him talking with Brass. She felt her chest tighten as she watched them shake hands.

He was leaving.

It was time to go.

He had not even bothered to say goodbye.

Maybe the rumors are true…

He's not coming back…

He wants to get as far away from me as possible…

She glanced up once more and their eyes met.

She had hoped he would come to her.

He had hoped she would come to him.

The rain began to pour and she returned to her job. When she glanced up again he was gone. She let the tears drop telling herself no one would know with the rain. It felt good to release them.

She was soaked.

They sat in the break room waiting for the coffee. She sneezed and Nick glanced at her.

"You should get out of those wet clothes," he said.

"Nick, it's still raining. As soon as we leave, we're going to get wet," she said.

"Not if you use an umbrella," he said.

I don't have an umbrella….

It's at Grissom's…

Along with my favorite running shoes…

My chamomile tea…

My best pair of sweats…

"I misplaced it," she said sneezing again.

"You can use mine," he said. "Get changed. I'll save you a cup of coffee."

She returned shortly and sat down.

He slid the coffee cup across to her.

She smiled when she saw the cup.

"I picked it up at the diner…a new cup for new memories," said Nick.

"Thanks Nick."

"Want to tell me what's bothering you?" he asked.

"Nothing."

"As Brass would say, that's bullshit."

She sipped on the coffee and felt the contents of her stomach threaten to make an appearance. He sat there and watched her face turn pale green.

"You don't look good," he said.

She said nothing afraid that she would lose the inner battle with her stomach.

"Sick?" he asked.

She nodded.

"Let's get you home," he said.

She felt herself being pulled up. She did not protest as she tried to calm her stomach.

She was surprised when he opened his car door and shoved her in. He quickly jumped behind the driver's wheel.

"Green is not your color," he said. "I'll take you home and swing by tomorrow to get you."

She nodded.

She was in no condition to argue.

She had not intended to fall asleep but the short nap seemed to help. She got out of the vehicle and fumbled for her keys and was surprised when he took them from her and unlocked the door.

"Thanks Nick," she said. She stepped inside and glanced down when she felt her shoes step into water.

She groaned.

He quickly looked inside. "This isn't good," he said as he stared at the water damage.

They were soon met with the superintendant.

"Upstairs apartment flooded. The nut turned on the water in the bathtub and left it. It's been running for over eight hours."

Sara stared at the apartment.

"You can't stay here," said Nick. "Get some things….you can stay with me."

"I uhm need to move some of this stuff..." she sneezed.

"Later. You're sick. We'll come back later," he said.

She slipped into the bedroom and pulled some things together. She quickly went into the bathroom and grabbed her prenatal vitamins tossing them into the bag and then returned to the living room to find him standing there staring at a box that sat on the couch.

Their eyes met.

"What?" she asked.

He handed her the note from the box.

Sara,

You left these at the house. I thought you would need them.

Grissom.

She looked at the contents of the box and then at Nick. Some secrets were hard to keep.

Note from author:

Well, I guess that means Nick knows about their relationship. What do you think will happen next? Good to be back posting again. I've missed everyone. Leave a review!

Take care,

Penny