Everybody Knows, a csi: new york fanfic

I thought I would go with a different perspective, and write in the 1st person and take in different character perspectives. It's kinda post 4x16 - 4x19.

I hope you guys enjoy it as much as i enjoyed writing it.

Millions of thanks to Twinkeyrocks. Have the rest of the M&M's :)

"Everybody knows that I was such a fool, to ever let go of you, baby I was wrong.

Yeah I know I said, we'd be better off alone, it was time that we moved on.

I know I broke your heart, I didn't mean to break your heart."

- Backstreet Boys, Crawling back to you.

I know why he invited me to the empires game, I knew he hadn't pissed Monroe off, well he had. I wouldn't go to a game with him if he had done what he did to her to me... But, then again saying that, he doesn't know what I know. He doesn't know the only reason he still has a job was because she covered his ass that day – she sent me to chase his ass round the city, she told Mac he had the flu. It was all her.

But, it wasn't for me to tell him. He forgets how well I know him though, the bike excuse? The amount of times even I've heard that when I used to call after a night out, and that would be his code word, about the bike going to the shop. When she told me that he was busy taking his bike to the shop my heart sunk. A part of me desperately wanted to tell her, not to leave her to work it out for herself, but I couldn't. I couldn't be the one that told her what he had done. I think she knew from my eyes though, she's good at reading situations, and crap like that.

So, saying that – she probably already knew, she didn't need the pity in my eyes.

He gets Lindsay and boom – he goes and sleeps with that Rikki woman – well I can only presume it was her. As soon I saw her clinging to him for dear life in that alley, I could see that something was gonna happen. I just thought he wouldn't be as stupid to act upon it, or if it did – he'd push her away.

I swear to god, if he wasn't my best friend...

It's a shame. A real damn shame, because that thing – the chemistry they have- it's still there. And that must be hard, to still have the connection they have.

Sure, okay. He lost Ruben, and I know more than anyone that he hasn't had it easy. But hell, Monroe's had her fair share of shit – and that, he knows – he knows more than anyone. He was the one there in Montana with her.

After she got back from Montana though, she was a different person. She was witty, refreshed, hell; I'd even go as far as sexy. But she was also Messer's. It was an unspoken agreement.

When I went round to Messer's for the usual beer and Yankees game, she was there. The first time it was a shock. But after a while, it got routine. Me her and Messer, the awesome trio, she had once joked. We teased her for weeks after.

He had a real gem in Monroe, a Montanan treasure.

It's painful watching her go through this. As much as he is my best friend, she's like a little sister to me.

I just wish she could let go of him, for her own sake. But, he's on her heart, just like a tattoo.

I didn't mean to walk into the locker room that day. I just wanted a second away from the chaos of Stella's apartment fire and the abduction case.

I sensed, strike that, knew something was wrong the second Quinn told me about her leaving the evidence. Lindsay's the most level-headed, by the book CSI I have, so something wasn't right.

But never, for one second did I anticipate what Lindsay told me.

And, even though there was the odd tear streaming down her face as she told me what she expected, she held it together. I think she even cracked a joke, saying she had no evidence to back up her theories; otherwise she'd borrow an interrogation room and have it out with him – present him with all the evidence and such.

I think that's when my heart sunk. I'd seen them blossom as partners in more ways than one since she walked into the tiger cage on her first day.

I'd seen the affectionate touches on the arm she frequently gave him, and when he'd brush her shorter hair out of her face in the AV lab or in trace when she was too busy analysing something to stop and do it herself. I pretended not to see, but I couldn't help it. I couldn't help but feel a slight twinge of pride in my heart.

I told him he'd fall in love.

And as much as I would have loved to, this was one mistake I couldn't bail him out of.

As their relationship deteriorated before my very eyes, all I could do was support them, both together and separately, while making sure it didn't affect their jobs.

But in that locker room, all I could offer was a hug, and the promise of nobody taking away her yesterday's with him.

Mac has placed countless hints willing for me to pick up on them.

I already knew.

When I found out he had forgotten her birthday, I knew something wasn't right.

I had gone round to drop off her present when she fell into my arms and let her tears escape her.

It had been a long time coming I guess, but we didn't see it until the very last minute – when it was too late.

While I moved her to the couch, my heart broke. I glanced over to her neatly set dining room table. Dinner for two, consisting of fried chicken tenders in shapes of spiders, gummy worms, and a small bowl of spaghetti. She had obviously made them dinner, and had recreated the time they ate bugs in the break room.

And he hadn't turned up.

My heart clenched at the thought of her sat there, waiting- on her birthday- alone.

Shaking my head to rid my eyes of the tears that were threatening to fall, I pulled her onto the couch and held her while she sobbed.

I knew she wanted to do was to call him and tell him everything, make him fix what the matter with her was. But she couldn't.

I knew she wanted her Mom to hold her, while her Dad promised to beat the living crap out of the asshole that had hurt his baby girl.

But with them being all the way in Montana, she had to settle for second best. And all I could do was reassure her that I was there, and wasn't going anywhere.

Glancing over at her in trace, I shuddered.

She was a shell of her former self. She looked worn and broken.

People "class" me as genius, but it definitely didn't take Einstein to figure this one out.

I wanted to be supportive – offer some words of comfort, wisdom perhaps? But as I swabbed my evidence for DNA I realised there wasn't really anything I could offer – could say to fix things for her.

My heart broke just looking at her. Not because she looked broken, but because she was able to act so strong at work. She was smiling, and humming lightly to herself. On the surface, nothing was wrong, and she was as professional as could be. But, to those that know her, we know what's going on.

As I walk past her I touch her arm and smile warmly, offering my reassurance – a silent way of telling her she'll be alright, and that life goes on.

With me being in the lab I kinda miss a whole bunch. I didn't miss this.

There are always bits I hear, like he's been busy, and there's something about his bike getting fixed in the shop. I even heard that he forgot her birthday. I mean, I maybe a socially awkward scientist, but I'm not that socially retarded - even I remembered.

I can see it in her eyes when she looks at him.

I've seen the look before; the look of betrayal, the destroyed trust. I grew up with it. Danny though, he isn't like him, he isn't like that man I called dad. There must have been something going on that everyone doesn't know about, and if they do, they don't gossip about it. Danny isn't a cheater; Danny wouldn't do that to Lindsay. Well, at least, I never thought he would have.

After the hostage situation and she came in and got him I could tell there was something that was going on. Well, actually, when he walked in, and she didn't I figured something had happened on their date the night before.

Well, unless they had suddenly morphed into the other, which would have been totally cool. Impossible; but totally awesome.

I've seen how Lindsay reacts to people- she smiles politely, then after they walk away, that smile that can light up a whole room, disappears. She's holding it together, probably better than most.

I heard him the other week trying to get her to talk to him. I don't know who to feel for, her or him. She's going through the emotions, but so's he. It can't be easy for him, losing her. But it cant be easy for her, knowing he's done whatever he did – if she even knows.

I shift slightly in my seat as he walks into the AV lab where she's sat. Luckily they're on their own. Putting my trace down, I sit for a minute, just watching them. He must have got up to shut the door, because it's shut now. He's sat back next to her now though, and I can see him talking. She looks to be ignoring him, or shaking her head. Shaking her head, I think. As I carry on watching them, my heart sinks, I can see her taking deep breaths, and he lifts his hand and moves her face towards his, almost like he's about to kiss her. She pulls away, and walks out. Following her with my eyes, I realise she's coming into trace.

Crap.

Pushing off the desk, I head for the printer that has the latest set of results out for her, as she walks in, I smile and hand her the results. Thanking me, she turns and heads to Mac's office.

I look back into AV and shake my head. That guy is gonna have to start moving mountains or something.

I sensed something when we were stood over the lucky soul that got kissed by the some 12 cheerleaders before he died. Well, he was lucky apart from the fact he died. It reminded me somewhat of senior year in high school where I was...

I smile warmly as she heads towards me, and asks for the preliminary autopsy report. I hesitate before handing it to her, wanting to see how she is. She smiles, and asks me about myself. Changing the subject – doesn't she know I have a teenager. Women – they never change, they really don't.

I want to say I know that she must be going through hell, but I think against it. She doesn't need me to tell her. Well, at least she doesn't anymore; she's not that naive country girl she was... Danny took care of that.

As she turns and walks out, back towards trace I presume, I call out to her, and tell her that everything is going to get better, and that everything happens for a reason.

She just nodded, and said she hoped it was sooner rather than later.

I shake my head slightly, and sigh. It's awful seeing two people that love each other as much as they do go through heartache like they are.

Turning back to the DOA on the table, I smile, and return to our previous conversation of entrees and deserts.

Way to go Messer!

This whole fuck-up doesn't make sense. But then again, my life doesn't.

I don't get how she can just walk away – well I do. She's protecting herself. And I don't blame her.

I'd protect myself from me too.

What I would actually give to take back the last 3 months – to get it back to how we used to be.

Get it back to when she actually spoke to me, and wasn't repulsed by the very sight of me.

I glance up, and look into trace. What the hell is Adam staring at? He's looked away now. He probably knows more about all this shit then what I do. He can't even look at me. I bet even he didn't forget her birthday.

I take a deep breath, and walk into the hallway. Heading to the break room, I glance into Stella's office. What the hell's Flack doing there? Since when does he and Stella hang?

Whatever. They're probably bitching about Mac's new regulations he's put into place and the new filing system.

Well, that or how much of an asshole I am- probably the latter.

I bet Mac's thinking I told him so. He told me I'd fall in love. And there was me, don't even joke about it, being all whiny and bitchy.

God, it's like he knew or something- Mac Taylor – the knower of everything.

Well, he is after all, Mac – nothing can take that man down.

I quickly turn the magazine on the break room table when Hawkes walks in. I can't face him right now.

It broke my heart when I heard him call Lindsay, Montana. What the hell was that about? I don't think he saw me though, other side of trace. I know why he did it, to make her feel better. I mean the smile that radiated off her when I teased her with it; I guess he wanted to get a reaction like that. Make her smile again; it used to be my job. It still should be my job.

Except he got a half assed "I kinda miss it"

Yeah well, I miss her.

I need her in my life, no matter what I gotta do. I didn't realise what I had until I lost her. And it's all my damn fault.

Glancing up, I see Flack stood in the doorway with that look on his face. I know what he's here for.

Taking a deep breath, I flash him a grin – he can't know what's going on until he calls me on it. If Linds can act professional, then so can I.

Until he makes my heart sink with the 5 words I've been dreading hearing from him.

"Messer – we need to talk"

All I want is for people to let me get on with it. The pity looks, the silent gestures. I've seen them all before, when I was 14 – when I was the girl that lost her friends.

I'm not her anymore – I don't need those looks.

What I need is my life to go back to how it was. I want it to go back to when I actually looked forward to spending a day in the office with Danny chucking paper balls at each other, and dodging M&M's that one was throwing at the other. I couldn't believe the day when he threw a packet over to me and was all, here – it's our candy.

Messer & Montana he'd written on a sticky note over the M&M sign. It was almost the cutest thing ever.

Apart from when he bought me the mini pool table. That was kinda cute.

I shake my head. I have to stop doing this. I told him I'm letting him go. I'm moving on.

Just very, very slowly, and unsuccessfully.

I still love him. And I probably always will.

Bloody idiot that he is...

It's driving me crazy everyone treating me like a ticking time bomb. I'm not gonna break down. I'm not gonna start sobbing uncontrollably at the slightest mention of his name.

Well, not at work at least.

Ask me again when I'm in my apartment with Ben, Jerry and Stella.

I can't believe how naive I was at first, when he brushed me off that morning; I thought he was just tired. I knew he hadn't been sleeping well.

But, when I just mentioned it to Flack in passing that something must have been wrong with his Harley, because he was taking it to the shop, and Flack gasped, I knew I was being taken for a fool.

As soon as he got off the damn elevator, he had sex written all over him. He looked guilty, and he knew I knew. And if he didn't, when I threw the electronic case thing at him that might have told him I was a little suspicious.

I gave him full opportunity to come clean as well, in the office later that day. But, when he didn't, I knew he had no intention of putting me out of my misery. That's when I knew I had to attempt to let go. And I figured if I told him that, it'd be easier, on both of us, He could basically fuck off with Rikki, and I'd get over him eventually.

But no, He has to suggest we rent Jaws, and he invites me to the damn empires game, and he calls me, and he wants to talk.

I should have really defined what 'letting go' was to him.

But, after all that I was getting on fine. I really was. I was having Stella time. It felt nice to be around her.

Then when I thought I was actually, finally over him. He had to come into the AV lab today. He couldn't leave me the hell alone.

I knew it was coming, some huge romantic spiel of how much he loves me, and how he wants to get back with me, and he didn't want us to argue.

Which was fine, I was totally prepared.

Except for the fact that in reality, I totally wasn't.

"I'm not sure I'll find words, to cover the hurt that I see in your eyes, but I gotta try."

I would have been fine, but when he touched my face, and turned it towards his. And there was just me and him, with the desperation in his eyes, with the honesty in his voice. It was all too much.

Not at work.

I knew where I needed to go. I had no reason to be down in autopsy. I spent the whole ride down in the elevator, trying to think of something I could say to make it justifiable me being down there.

I think he knew why I was there.

And he gave me the reassurance I needed – everything happened for a reason, and everything was going to get better.

Taking a deep breath, I walk off the elevator with the prelim autopsy report clutched in my hands, headed straight for the office.

Sitting down, I set the report on my desk, and glance over at the photo on my desk. The photo with him and me, in the little bubble we lived in, together.

Welcome to reality, Lindsay.

I glance to the other side of my desk avoiding all eye contact with him, and pull out my case file drawer – when I see the stash at the back.

My M&M stash.

I knew he had one too. It's how I always kept mine so stocked up. I stole his. He stole mine.

I can tell he wants to look at me from across the desk, but doesn't dare.

Taking another deep breath, I reach into the drawer and pull my last bag out. Holding it just under the desk, I feel a slight sinking feeling in my heart, holding it in my hands. Our relationship is in my hands.

Do I forgive him? Or do I let him go?

I glance over at the trash can, and finally he looks up at me, and sees the M&M's in my hands.

I see a weak smile slowly spreading across his face, obviously remembering the times we shared chucking them across the room at each other.

Throw them away, or hold onto them.

Throw us away, or save us

Throw/save?

I look one more time at his face. It looks like he desperately wants to call out to me, reading my subconscious thoughts; he's telling me to save them. Save us.

I glance down at the unknowing packet – unaware of the fact it's a metaphor for my whole life with Danny - making me decide on what I want to do.

I swallow the lump in my throat, and open the packet.

He gasps.

I edge closer to my desk, and hesitate for a minute. It would be so easy to throw it all away.

But I don't.

My shaky hand offers him one, across the desks.

"Danny, I think it's about time we have that talk"

Would love to know your thoughts :)

Hope you enjoyed :)