Eclipse: The Condensed Version
Edward: There's a crazy vampire in Seattle killing lots of people.
Bella: Eew.
Edward: Hey, let's go visit your mother in Florida!
Bella: Why??
Edward: Why not? You're going to be a vampire in a few months, so you'd better go soon.
Bella: Crap, I forgot…I mean, yay! I'm going to be a vampire!
Edward: You're not having second thoughts, are you??
Bella: Of course not…why does Jacob hate me?
Edward: Jacob's too dangerous for you. I can protect you better than he can.
Jacob: Edward's too dangerous for you. I can protect you better than he can…by the way, Victoria was here last weekend.
Bella: Ahhhhh!!
Edward: Bella, I'm keeping you in protective custody so you don't go near the werewolves.
Bella: Haha, I snuck off to be with my friend Jacob!
Edward: I hate Jacob.
Jacob: I hate Edward, but I love you, Bella.
Bella: I'm Switzerland. Why can't we be friends?
Edward: You know what? Go ahead and hang out with the stupid werewolf.
Bella: Yay!
Jacob: Yay!
Fangirls: She'd better pick Edward…
Jasper: There's an army of newborn super-strong vampires in Seattle!
Jacob: Victoria's still stalking you, Bella. And I still love you.
Alice: Hey, how many people can I invite to your graduation party?
Edward: Bella, marry me!
Bella's head explodes
Bella: Everything's clear now! All right, Edward, I'll marry you. Hey, I'd bet Victoria's in charge of the vampire army, too! Yo, vamps and werewolves, we all want the army gone, right? Can we call a truce?
Cullens: Okay…
The pack: Fine.
Both sides grumble.
Bella: Yay! Now, nobody die, okay?
Jacob: You don't love me. I'll go be a hero now.
Bella: Jacob, don't be a hero! I do love you, for real! And it only took me 530 pages to figure it out.
Bella kisses Jacob passionately.
Fangirls: NOOOOOOOOOO!!
Edward: Look, I ripped Victoria's arm off! And her head. Yuck.
Bella: Yay she's dead! Now I can relax…oh wait, no, I can't.
Volturi: WTF! we missed all the action! If Aro had just stopped to ask for directions... Wait, why isn't Bella a vampire yet?
Edward: It's happening in the next book, after we get married. For real this time.
Bella: Love triangles suck. But I still pick Edward. But I love Jacob almost as much! Emo cry!
Alice: Wow, I'm gonna plan your wedding!! Thank you thankyouthankyou!!
Bella: Don't invite Jacob, please?
Edward: Um, okay...
Jacob gets an invitation from Edward
Jacob: Oh noes! What will I do when Bella turns evil? Or what if she dies? I love Bella. I don't know what I'm going to do.
Jacob runs away into the forest.
Fangirls: Good riddance. May you never return!
Stephenie: Hey, be nice! Or I'll never write book four.
Fangirls: Meep. Sorry.