SUBTITLED WHO'S PUNKING WHO(M)?

A/N I do not own Bleach or any of the characters, but I am grateful to Tite Kubo for his genius.

Is Byakuya really a stripper? Is Hisagi really a cross dresser? Is Nanao really the date from hell? Or is there a reasonable explanation for it all? This will be a long story with much more idiocy to come. I write to bring a smile to your face. Hopefully, canon mistakes or out of character experiences will not be held against me. I have tried to minimize both, but sometimes, I just have too much fun writing to care. Enjoy, my friends!

Total humor and a little sweetness between Hisagi and Nanao.

"What time is it, Nanao Dear?" asked Captain Shunsui Kyouraku, captain of the eighth division to his lieutenant, Nanao Ise. He was lying motionless on the couch in their office while she was completing paperwork for him in the large book she always carried.

"Look at the clock."

"My eyes are closed."

She glared up at him from her book and said curtly, "Fine, it's close to two."

"Nanao dear, have you seen my hat?"

"If you'd open your eyes, you'd see that it was on your head," she replied angrily.

"It's too much effort. You're sure it's there?"

"Of course, it's there. I'm looking at it."

"Oh, Nanao, what would I do without you? You are my eyes. Can you also be my ears? Do you hear a knock at the door?"

"No, I don't."

"Then I don't either. Put your work away and come lie with me under my hat. The sun is very bright today."

She looked at the large volume in her hands and then to her captain with disgust.

"Number one. You're inside. Number two. Your eyes are closed, so even if you were outside, you still couldn't see the sun. Number three. I'd much rather get a thousand paper cuts than to ever share a hat with you. Number four. You know all of this and you are just trying to irritate me yet again."

"Check the door, won't you, Nanao Dear?"

"And that's number five. No one is there, and I have work to do."

Just then, the door flew open and Jushiro Ukitake, captain of the thirteenth division, breezed into the room.

"Was that you knocking, Jushiro?" asked the reclining Kyouraku.

"What took so long, old friend? I've been knocking for what seemed like hours," asked the man with the flowing white hair.

"I'm afraid my little Nanao didn't hear you."

"Captain!" said a nervous Nanao. "I'm so sorry. I didn't hear you knock."

"It's alright, Nanao. I should have let myself in sooner."

"I may have to replace her, Jushiro, don't you think? She can be my eyes and find my hat, but she fails as my ears."

"You could never replace me. No one else would put up with you!"

"She's falling down on the job, she's harsh with me, and she nags too much, Jushiro. And she never has a kind word to say to her poor old captain. It makes me sad."

"And you drive me crazy!"

"It's a good thing you didn't come a few minutes later, Jushiro. You might have found us sharing my hat, eh, Nanao?" Kyouraku threw her a sly grin.

Infuriated, Nanao burst into a tirade. "I never said I would share your hat. I have never shared your hat. I hate your hat. I'd like to rip it into shreds. Better yet, I'd like to use it for target practice with your head still in it! Maybe I'll start looking for my own replacement, then you'll see exactly how much I do around here for you. I am not only your eyes and your ears, but I am also your mouth, your arms, your legs. I tell you where to sit and what to eat and how to position your sword…"

"What's your favorite position for my sword, Nanao Dear?"

"OH! You're impossible!" She grabbed her book, pushed past Ukitake and slammed the door behind her.

Ukitake watched her storm off across the grounds of the Seireitei. He felt compassion for anyone who happened to be in her way. "I know it was a practical joke, Shunsui, but do you really think it was fair to Nanao? I didn't knock. How was she to know about my timed entrance?"

"Of course, it was fair," Shunsui laughed, sitting up. "She's been in such a foul mood lately. I think it will do my little librarian good to sit and seethe for awhile. She no longer appreciates our relationship. She looks to me as if I were a bother."

"I hate to break it to you, my friend, but many times you are."

Shunsui laughed, "Yes, I know. I ask a lot of my little Nanao, but every now and then, our relationship as captain and lieutenant sours and the milk needs to be refreshed."

"So you've decided to really go through with this hare-brained scheme then?"

"Of course."

"But why Hisagi?

"Don't you see? He's the ideal candidate. His sense of honor makes him want to help an old man like me, he has a sense of adventure, he's a gentleman, which Nanao will love, and he's enough of an independent rogue not to stick around too long. And when Nanao gets dumped by the boy, I'll be around to pick up the pieces."

"I wouldn't exactly call him a boy. He's been around long enough to know his way around women."

"Yes, but he's not a man's man, like us. Not yet anyway."

"You mean old and decrepit?"

"Speak for yourself. I'm old enough to know what I want and that's to lie around and be coddled and pampered by my little Nanao. It's what she wants too. She's just too stubborn to admit it."

"Hisagi's a go-getter, Shunsui, just the opposite of you. He's the acting captain of the ninth, the communications director of the Seireitei Times, plus he has a budding career as a Sarah Tay consultant." (1)

"Perfect! He'll be too busy to give her the time that she needs to make a relationship work. They'll date a few times, he'll dump her, she'll come running back to me and I'll make her fetch my slippers."

"She's not a dog, Shunsui."

"I didn't mean literally, Jushiro. I believe that Nanao is happiest when she is looking after me and doing the things that she believes I should have already done. She'll be glad to come back to me. Her attitude will have changed for the better from the experience because she'll appreciate me more, and I will be willing to allow her to wait on me hand and foot without having to listen to her constant nagging. But right now, it's time for the performance of a lifetime."

A/N (1) Shameless plug for my story Sarah Tay at the Seireitei. This is the first of many shameless plugs. Also, see Bleached Ice by DolphinWhisperer, a very talented writer with a similar sense of humor – it seems to run in the family.