Random announcer: Varia Vacation is filmed before a live studio audience.

Bel: Also, the only thing that belongs to this commoner are the chickens.

Me: Bitch, please! I could own you any time. But the chickens are good enough. –hugs chickens-

R.A.: Hey! Get out of my studio!-gets stabbed-

Me: Warning, this chapter has excessive amounts of Lussuria, and disgusting details about cooking. So, read at your own risk.

"Hello Vongola Famiglia! My name is Lussuria, but you can call me Luss! Today, I'm here to talk about a very special subject. And that is the Varia's cooking skills!" Lussuria said to a camera held by Gola Mosca.

"We have to observe every member in his natural habitat, and then interview them, so keep quiet!" he said, shushing the "viewers" with his pinky finger and smiling widely.

...

Lussuria's first victim was none other but the Varia's best cook, Prince the Ripper, who recently got the title Prince the Chicken Master. But that's a story for some other time." So! We're going to sneak inside Bel-chan's room and wait for him to come in! Ohohohoho!"

Lussuria had no problem in sneaking in, but Mosca... well, he didn't fit through the door. So, it was forced to get in through the huge windows.

Once they solved the problem, they had to think about how they would get out. The room was filled with thousands of traps. Every step was practically a death trap. As Lussuria hid in the closet, and Mosca did its best to fit in with the environment -which wasn't much, since the entire room was painted blood red, and filled with all kinds of deadly weapons and broken toys.

About a minute later, Bel walked in and turned on his stereo, metal music coming out of the speakers. He looked around. "Ushishi...Someone's been in the room. And he is still here." He said, turning to the closet. He noticed Mosca right in front of it. "The prince asks a question, and you better answer it. Why are you holding a camera? And why is Lussuria in my closet?"

"Aww, Bel-chan! How did you know?!" Lussuria moaned from inside the closet.

"Well, It's easy. No one else would act this stupid, maybe except Levi. But he'd get caught in the traps, so it has to be you."

Lussuria shrugged and walked out of the closet. "We're here to interview you!"

"About what?" he asked suspiciously.

"Your cooking secrets of course!" the fabulous green-haired man replied.

Bel thought for a second. "Alright. What do you want to know?"

"Well...Everything?" was Lussuria's reply.

"Ushishi...That would take too long...the prince would get bored. I'll tell you the most important parts. First, if the dish includes meat, it should be fresh. Or in other words, to make a hamburger, you should kill the cow ten minutes before you start cooking. Also, put as many spices in as possible. Covers the nasty parts and completely destroys the original taste. Third, always use blood in your cooking. Either boil the meal in rat blood, or use blood, wine, and mustard dressing. It will taste great. And, one of the best tips, always have a raw liver in-" he said, but was cut off by Lussuria's gagging sounds.

The green haired male(?) waved to Bel to stop. "Eh...can I ask something? Have we been eating these things?"

Bel stared at him incredulously. "Are you joking? That's what we've been eating forever."

"Thank you. Well, see you later." Lussuria said as his face turned the same hue as his hair, and he rushed out of the window.

Half an hour later, Lussuria had recovered completely. "Ahem. Remind me to never let him cook again. I'll cook instead!" he said, returning to his normal, happy tone. "Now, our next vict- I'm sorry, subject, is Squalo-chan! My cute little ball of white fluffyness!"

Outside Squalo's door...

Lussuria had stuck his ear on the door, and his expression had changed into a delighted one. "Gola-kun, this is our chance to see what cannot be unseen. One...two... three...CHARGE!"

Charging into the room, he was greeted with a sight for the ages. Xanxus was on top of Squalo, and no, they weren't fighting. Instead they were occupied on the bed, frenching passionately, thus never noticing the okama and the giant robot walking in. Lussuria got hearts in his eyes and clapped loudly. "Congratulations!! I never thought this moment would come!"

The two stopped abruptly and turned simultaneously to Lussuria. Xanxus then got off the bed and caught the poor guy by his collar. "If. This. Gets. Out. Of. This. Room. You. Are. DEAD. Understood?" he asked, his eyes reduced to black holes.

Lussuria wasn't the least bit fazed. "Don't worry boss! As they say, whatever happens in the Varia, stays in the Varia." He said, winking at his boss.

Xanxus let him go and looked down solemnly. "I wouldn't be too sure about that. With Marmon in the organization, something getting leaked out is like Squalo being obnoxious."

"VOOOOOOOI! What do you mean by that you son of a bitch?" Squalo asked, infuriated.

"It's inevitable." Xanxus completed and walked out of the room. "Oh, and Squalo, we'll finish our project tonight, in our private meeting."

Lussuria giggled and walked out of the room as well, completely forgetting about the cooking. They had just filmed something far more juicy than that.

...

Next stop was Levi's room. "Hellooo!" Lussuria greeted happily.

Levi turned and groaned. "What do you want? I'm too busy praying on Boss's shrine!"

"First of all, I want you to try this on!" He said, taking out a pink apron with little cow prints.

"Go away, you bastard!" Levi said, and got an umbrella out.

Lussuria quickly got behind him, and within milliseconds, the apron was glued on Levi. "How lovely!! You look gorgeous!" There was a pause. "Well you don't, but the apron does."

"Get this thing off me! Boss will never praise me if he sees me like that!"

The other smiled. "Would you please shut up and answer my questions? The sooner you do, the sooner you'll be knocked out co- Sorry, free."

"What?" Levi finally gave in.

Lussuria cleared his throat and placed his pinky finger in front of his face. "Well, I want to know what you can cook!"

Levi paused. "I can't cook."

"What a pity!! Strange though, because your parabolas are perfect for frying toast, or making popcorn. "

Levi narrowed his eyes. "What have you-" he was cut off by a kick straight to the head by Lussuria that left him unconscious. Not that he ever was, anyway.

"That's enough for now! Goodnight!" he said, swaying from side to side playfully.

...

After a string of traps, sharp objects and warnings, he got to Marmon's room. He knocked on the door lightly. "Who is it?"

"Hello Marmon-chan! It's Lussuria and Mosca-chan! Mind letting us in? We'd like to ask you a few questions."

Silence loomed over them for a while. "Come in." His voice was heard a few seconds later.

Lussuria opened the door reluctantly only to gulp. 'I knew Marmon-chan wasn't exactly normal... But this takes it too far.' He thought while looking at the room.

The room was all black, with a few indigo details. All kinds of occult objects were stacked in shelves. Black candles were lit everywhere, and music played lowly. Was that a requiem playing? Lussuria shivered.

"What's wrong?" Marmon asked from the armchair he was sitting on, never looking up from his book.

"Eh...nothing! Well, I'm here to ask you about your culinary skills." He squeaked out.

Marmon raised an eyebrow under his hood. "What about them? You don't expect that I'll be cooking when we have so many gullible idiots in here to exploit, right?"

"Well, Mosca-chan and I are doing a documentary on the Varia. So we thought that you might participate." Was Lussuria's high-pitched reply. 'God, this guy makes me feel uneasy ever since he grew up.'

The Arcobaleno smirked. "What's in it for me? Because if you expect me to do it for free, you might as well go out and wait until it starts raining pigs." he deadpanned, closing his book.

"Look, you'll get all the money that we'll make out of selling the documentary. We're doing it for fun, right, Mosca-chan?"

"...puff,huff." Was Gola Mosca's reply.

Lussuria smiled. "I'm so happy you agree with me!"

After a pause, Marmon sighed in defeat. "Fine. I can cook a few things, like pancakes, pasta, and meatballs. That's all, I never cared about cooking anyway." He stated blankly, and turned back to his book. "You can go away now."

Lussuria pouted. "Oh, come on! Please tell us something different. Like, your love life, spicy details! It's not like anyone will ever know! We're just making conversation here!"

Marmon glared at him. "Sod off." He said and gestured them to get out. Once they were out of the door, he shook his head. 'How long am I going to keep my sanity in here? Not more than ten years I expect...I'd prefer to kill myself than that.'

Another crack was created in the wall that separates Reality from various parallel universes, as well as unknown horros of this world, that are only visible to people with an insanity level higher than average.

Anyway, back to our story.

...

About an hour later, everyone was sitting in the living room, watching the new documentary. When Bel started to give away his "secrets" on the video, half the Varia turned green and ran to the bathroom, along with Tsuna. After a few minutes of extreme puking, they walked back into the living room, only to see Squalo making out with Xanxus. They both blushed furiously and Marmon smiled mischieviously. "You didn't tell me that there would be something like this in the documentary, Lussuria."

Lussuria smiled back. "Aren't they cute??"

Xanxus was fuming. "Damn it! Now the whole world will know. I don't even know why I keep you alive, you little illusionist son of a bitch!" he said, downing a glass of whiskey.

Marmon smirked in reply. "That's because there i no other person in this world patient enough to deal with your paperwork, Boss."

Tsuna was simply staring at the picture in front of him. Bel covered his eyes. "Ushishi...These are not things for kids...I could show you how it's done later though..." he said playfully.

The spiky-haired boy shook his head furiously. "N-no thank you Bel! I'll pass!" he half-yelled.

Belphegor shrugged and lied down on his favourite couch. "Suit yourself."

The rest of the day passed with no major difficulties. Tsuna was starting to get used to death threats, pain, and training far worse than Reborn's. As he lied down on his bed, he smiled. 'Maybe they're not that bad after all...They're just a big dysfunctional family...' he thought and chuckled, drifting off to sleep.

That's all for now. Please review!
Next chapter, Prank Calls!