Okay, first fic. This is meant to be almost like a diary entry, but you can interpret it any way you want. Also, originally this was just going to be a shipping fic, but it got a bit warped into being a slightly sinister adventure/romance. It's a bit different from what I normally write. Maybe it's just me, but I think it's a bit dark in places. Oh well, enjoy it whatever you think. Please rate and review!

Camelot owns Golden Sun.

He didn't know I was watching. I liked that. I liked that a lot.

What I saw every time was something I liked to keep to myself. I'd been scared a lot the first time. I don't know why I liked to watch the same weird ritual month after month, after my original terror. I'd thought he was dying. Well…I haven't really seen much bloodshed, so I can't tell if someone's going to die judging by the amount of blood they've lost. I was really worried that time.

"How do you find the calmness to sit in silence behind a conveniently-placed group of boxes and take in all the details of what happens?" I asked myself more than once this evening. I've never known. I doubt I will ever.

We all knew he has scars on his arms. That's why he always wears gloves and never rolls his sleeves up, no matter how hot the weather is. I liked being the only person besides him to know why he has all those small cut marks up and down his forearms, why he likes being distant every now and then. Now I love it.

I peered around the boxes and let my eyes linger on the back of his head. Oh, hell, it was the top of his head. He was looking down at the deck, turning something over and over in his hands. I was quick, quick enough to hide again the millisecond before he glanced up.

My ears wouldn't close. Not that I wanted them to. Already I could hear the soft thump of one glove being dropped to the deck. There was the other, followed quickly by the shinging noise of that weird steel knife being drawn from the ornate sheath that he hid in one of his pockets so Jenna couldn't accuse him of wanting to embrace death early. I know that it used to be Saturos'.

I love being curious, so I risked peeking out from behind the boxes.

Oh, good. He was in his normal position now. But the knife that glowed blue softly in the starlight, it wasn't in the normal place. Left hand instead of right. I frowned; his sleeves were still down to his wrists. What was wrong tonight?

Suddenly the knife dropped to the deck and he went down with it, collapsing on all fours as he raggedly gasped for breath. I stopped myself from rushing out and trying to help him, instead staring at what's going on. This wasn't normal. Something bad had happened to him.

I could see his eyes clouding over.

He knew it was happening. He was desperately trying to stay conscious, just so he wouldn't be found in the morning and have to explain to us all. No, wait, it was so he didn't stop remembering how to breathe and keep his heart going.

Somehow he managed to pick up the knife and sit up, still wheezing with effort. But, but, hang on, why was he sheathing it? Putting it away in one of those little bag things? Did he know I was there? Had he sensed me? Or was something else going completely wrong?

Gods, please say it's not the latter, I thought.

What's that he's got there? I've not seen that before. He pulled on a thin gold chain around his neck, probably trying to find some sort of pendant. I could still hear him wheezing, though it had calmed down a bit now. The clouds over his eyes lifted slowly, cooling down as they rose and throwing down rain.

He just shut his eyes and let the tears wash his face thoroughly. How's he being so calm about crying? What's going on? I wasn't expecting this. I'm used to the sight of his blood when the knife slits through his skin now. Listening to the short sentences he whispers in that language none of us others properly understand.

"Sheba?"

He knew it was me. Who else would it be?

"Sheba, I need help. I can't see."

"What do you mean, you can't see?"

"I can't see. I have trouble breathing. I've got to get away, somehow…"

"Away from what?" I came out from behind the boxes and knelt next to him. "Is it the knife?" I asked tentatively.

"Yes…and no…"

I steeled myself for my next question. I'll try my best to help. He's always helped me. "What can I do to help you? Are you ill?"

"For hell's sake, Sheba, I'm going to go blind at this rate!" He realised I'd shied away and changed his tone quickly. "Sorry."

"Do you need to complete your ritual thing?"

"I wasn't going to. I was going to throw the knife away." He finally felt that I'd put one of my hands in his, and squeezed my hand gently. "Its job is done. Saturos started it, I finished it. All that's left is to get rid of the damn thing."

"Why did it happen in the first place?" I wanted to know.

"Sheba, please, I need to get inside before I lose my sight."

I helped him stand up, felt the weird rush of something when he stumbled and almost fell on top of me go zinging around my body, and tried to get rid of it. The rush scared me, more than the ritual ever has. It did something to me that I don't understand, even now.

We were inside by now, carefully stepping along the corridor so we didn't wake up the others.

I tried to reassure him. "It's okay, we're almost at your cabin…"

"I don't need reassurance." I smiled at the cold tone. He'd be okay in a bit. "I need to find that stuff…the elixir…he warned me I'd need. But I can barely see…"

"You could barely breathe earlier," I commented quietly under my breath, hoping he wouldn't hear me.

He somehow did. "Asthma. It's not normally that violent. Jenna has it too." He made that up. He spoke too quickly for him to be telling the truth.

He stumbled again, this time in a way that means I had to pull him upright instead of push. Again I felt that rush. That weird rush. But it was comforting, not terrifying. Why's that? I don't understand. And…that's weird. There was a red line around his neck that looked like something had tried to strangle him. A chain of some kind?

I struggled to push the door open. I always have trouble with these doors – they're too heavy for me to open normally. Lemurians and their ways…

He risked opening his eyes once we were inside in the gloom. The light I normally see inside them wasn't there anymore, and as he sat down heavily on his bunk I sensed the dulling of his sight. He wasn't lying. His sight really was starting to fade away.

"D'you want me to look for that stuff you need?" I asked, beginning to search through the unusual miscellany vaguely scattered around the room. Fragments of broken pottery, discarded hair ties, Psynergy charms lined up neatly on the small table. But no sign of a bottle. "What does it look like?"

He didn't answer at first. "It's not in the room. I'm carrying it." A sigh darted out of his mouth. "But if I can't see, I can't risk taking it out of my pockets. I could pick up anything by accident…"

"Yeah, okay! I'll look for it. What does it look like?"

"It's a small glass bottle. Transparent. Green liquid inside it."

He drew in a sharp breath as my fingers quickly started assessing the contents of his many pockets. Nothing in the first one, and the second one didn't have anything like the bottle in it either. I untied the bonds strapping the bag to his right leg and flipped the pouch open. My ears heard him flinching when I pulled the knife out and lay it down carefully, as far away from him as I dared. I glanced down at the sheath; even that was gleaming. Evilly.

There was a little bottle there, sort of spiralling into a raindrop shape from the top of the spindly glass. I peered at it. Yes, that was the one. Green liquid. I looked up at him. "I think I've found it."

He took it from my hands and removed the tiny stopper. His fingers checked the size and shape of the bottle, and he nodded. "Yes. This is it." He tilted back his head and let the liquid trickle down his throat slowly, oh so slowly. I was holding my breath, praying that he'd be okay.

"Sheba?"

"I'm here."

"Take the knife and get rid of it." He blinked a couple of times, his eyesight slowly adjusting. "My eyes are getting better, but I can't throw that knife away. I've still got to adjust. Take it and get rid of it." He fumbled for the knife on the other end of the bunk and held it out to me, blindly.

"Why does it have to be destroyed?" I didn't understand.

I could feel his eyes on me, though I was tracing the obscure, harsh designs on the sheath of the dratted knife with my fingers. And, strangely, I was getting that rush again. I shivered. Why was it so pleasant?

"It's a part of the ceremony," he eventually said. "And I never said 'destroy'. Just throw it away. As far away as you can. Please." He blinked again; some of the old light was returning to his eyes, I noticed. "Sheba, please! We can't go to Pro –" He stopped himself abruptly. "Just throw it away."

I complied shakily. Why am I doing this? What is going on inside his head?

My feet took me upwards towards the deck. I tasted the calm night air as, finally, I finished the long clamber up the metal rungs of the ladder and stood in the crow's nest, letting the cool air tug at my hair and clothes without constraint. I pulled the knife from its sheath now. Stared at the blue blade. Wondered why he went through all of it.

Month after month I've come and watched him go through that entire ritual. I nearly know it by heart. He says those words, rolls up one of his sleeves, and cuts into his skin with the knife. The blood stays on the blade until he murmurs the words again and weakly heals himself with Psynergy. Then it cleans itself off the knife…

I slid the knife, with its strange shape and dark glint, back into the dragon skin sheath covered in symbols. My eyes closed; my mind opened. Hover.

Then, and only then, when I was several feet higher up in the air, did I summon Procne and get the great bird to take the knife and deposit it somewhere that nothing living will ever find it again. I watched the bird take wing and, grasping the knife in its golden talons, fling itself into the horizon and out of sight.

I nodded with satisfaction. He'll be okay now.

I turned around to descend, carefully placing my feet on the rungs with a gentle clink, and hoping that he'd be glad it was over.

Oh hell, my foot! I missed the –

Someone was holding me. I could feel the body heat seeping through me softly, a bit like satin or silk would feel if it was able to brush you inside. It was nice. I stirred, trying to stretch, and couldn't. I heard someone drawing in a relieved breath.

"Sheba?"

"What…happened?"

"I…shouldn't have let you take the knife."

I was still cocooned in his arms. Comfortable, but…I was kind of…heating up. "Can you let go of me?"

"Not yet. You're still too drowsy to concentrate for too long."

"I gave Procne the knife…didn't it work…?"

He adjusted his grip on me as I opened my eyes. "It worked. But you got hurt." He shook his head. "I don't want to live with that. I promised I'd keep you safe." There was a wet sheen to his eyes, and the skin around them looks red. He'd been crying. About me.

We were in his cabin again, but now I was glad to see that it was lit well with several candles. Wax dripped down the side of the ninny-nanny-netticoats in their glorious white dresses. (Sorry, but I like childhood poetry, even if I'm not really much of a child anymore.) I tried to extricate myself from his arms so I could get closer to the light and he reluctantly let me go, watching me sadly with his dark brown eyes as I cupped a hand around the sunset-coloured flame of a candle.

"Are you going to explain now?" I looked up at him expectantly.

He dropped his gaze to the green quilt. "I can see now that I should have told all of you before. A long time before." One of his bare hands pushed his fringe out of his face. "Right after Venus Lighthouse, when I chucked the mask."

"Ha! I remember that. Jenna completely cracked up about it…"

I made him smile! "I remember too. It wasn't meant to be funny."

"Only her reaction was funny," I said, hastily trying to amend my sentence. Oops.

"Hey, don't lie. You were the first one smiling, holy girl."

"Uh…um…I…"

He shook his head and pulled off his cloak, folded it neatly and placed it on a spare bit of floor. He dropped his gloves on top of it. "It's alright. I didn't mind." Wow. I couldn't believe he was actually smiling properly for the first time in months. Am I dreaming?

Sitting back down on the bunk and turning to face me, his smile went away, probably on holiday to Vale; that's the last place I think he was properly happy, before the storm three years ago sent him into the river. But the expression wasn't his normal one of general blankness, of emotions hidden beneath a mask like the one he threw away. I haven't seen him so severe since Venus Aerie.

"I knew you were watching from the first time you risked spying." Uh oh. "I don't know why I didn't stop you from looking, but I didn't and never intended to." O…kay… "You want me to explain the ritual, don't you?"

I bit my lip, feeling guilty. "Yeah. I guess so. Please."

"First look at what's round your neck."

My hand unconsciously went to my throat, then lower when I realised I'd missed what he was talking about by miles. A small, clear gem on a spidersilk-thin gold chain sparkled up at me in the candlelight. I found my mind going out to the gem, my Psynergy drilling into its perfect clarity to unearth what he was trying to tell me.

"It's a diamond."

I emerged from my Psynergy rings and picked up the jewel. As he touched it, I almost flinched and dropped it. But there wasn't anything. No reaction. Or so I thought.

I yelped with surprise when our surroundings suddenly, inexplicably changed. "Wh-where are we?"

His voice echoed around the strange, multi-faceted world of glass we were trapped in. "Inside the diamond, where we can't be heard."

"Are you going to tell me now?" I asked after a few uneasy moments glancing around.

He sighed, biting his lip and turning his head so he didn't have to look at me. "Before I left Prox with Saturos and Menardi to come on this quest, I had to prove my loyalty. I won't go into the details of that. But after I did the test, I effectively became Proxian. Meaning I had to follow their ways. Saturos had this idea that as long as one member of the party spilt blood over the knife you got rid of, we'd be guaranteed success."

I frowned at what he said. "That's weird. Even for Saturos, that's weird."

He sighed again. "I know. But if I didn't follow the bloody 'tradition' he started, when I get back to Prox I'd be practically flayed alive for betrayal. The diamond is special. Once it links to a person it can betray them, their emotions, their loved ones, anything that's demanded of it. The Proxians will test the diamond before I'm allowed to enter town to check for my loyalty…"

"Wait, why do I have it if it's yours?" Oh gods, what if I've made the whole situation even worse for him by being the one now wearing the necklace? What happens if he gets hurt because he didn't finish up the ritual?

"You completed the ritual," he said simply.

Wah…I was still completely confused by all of this. "Explain the ritual thingy then. What it all means. I still don't get it."

He rubbed the back of his neck. "Well…my only obligation was to continue with the ritual until we found Jupiter Lighthouse, which we have. When a Proxian ritual finishes you have to destroy all evidence of it ever happening, or you'll end up…"

"Blind, in your case."

We were back in the cabin again, to my relief (I don't like being trapped in strange places. Tolbi was bad enough). He let go of the diamond and sighed for the third time. "It's my own stupidity for not getting rid of the damn knife the last time I finished with the ritual. Now I've got you involved in something you shouldn't have anything to do with."

"Why not?" I asked him, frowning. "Aren't my visions enough proof that we all end up involved in everything?"

"It's not that," he mumbled, looking away. "I don't doubt what you're saying. But this was meant to be my burden, nobody else's. I don't like other people, innocent people, getting involved with the affairs surrounding me." He was strangely interested in the blank wall, and murmured something quietly I didn't quite catch.

He was startled when I moved to sit next to him. "Okay, so I'm inquisitive and now I'm in trouble. What's new about that? I don't care if I'm in trouble."

"Sheba…it's difficult. The Proxians won't like it when they find out that an outsider kept me out of danger, even though I asked you to. We're at risk of being rejected by the Proxians, and we still have to go there to reach Mars Lighthouse. If they stop us, then…" He shook his head, fading into sadness as he gazed at his hands.

I was silent. "We really buggered it up, didn't we?"

"Couldn't phrase it any better myself." I caught sight of his smile again. "Well, not without being crude." I like his smile. Wish we'd get to see more of it. It's quietly attractive.

I smiled myself, trying to encourage him. "Well, Kraden's not around to tell you off."

He grinned and spouted a far worse version of my sentence, waited for the sound of the sage's voice, shrugged, and started laughing. I couldn't help but join in; it was nice to see him like that, and he rarely has the chance to laugh without people thinking there's something wrong with him.

"Um. How did this happen?"

"I wish I knew." He wasn't lying this time.

We were somehow lying next to each other on the narrow bunk. Both of us sat up quickly, pretending that it didn't happen. I risked glancing at him, but as usual his face had returned to being impossible to read. What I did know was that the funny rush was coming back for me and it wasn't going away this time.

To take my mind off it, I mulled over the information he'd told me. Things were starting to make sense now – why he always disagreed with Saturos and Menardi over other people's fates, why there were always reasons for him to be distant from the rest of us. And now I've got caught up in one of his reasons. He carefully extinguished some of the candles, and I couldn't help but gaze after him sadly as he withdrew into the old personal darkness Jenna and I tried to get rid of after Venus Lighthouse. It's his only method of protecting others from himself, though. Still…

A pair of thumps in the half-darkness told me that he'd yanked off his boots; the shifting of cloth said that he'd probably tucked his knees up to his chin and was sitting with his face buried. I turned round and sighed inwardly. I was right…

I risked speaking again. "Should I be bothered about this whole thing?"

"If you want to." I'd hoped he'd glance up, but he didn't look like he would.

"You're always bothered about people ending up in trouble. Isn't sharing misery meant to be better than keeping everything quiet?"

"Depends on your outlook on life." Aw…he was happy just a few minutes ago, and now he's being dark and lonely again… "It would be better to forget about it."

"But…" I said softly, my mind racing, "I can't give you the diamond back…"

He shook his head. "You can. It's still linked to me at the moment."

"Will it link to me in time, then?" I queried.

"It takes a few months for it to adapt to a new person."

I picked the small cube of diamond off my chest again and frowned at it. Still linked to him. I could find out anything I wanted about him now. Didn't he care about that? I could have taken all of his secrets and kept them for myself. Blackmail him. Wasn't he bothered?

Ack! It turned red!

I dropped it quickly and stared. At it. At him. At my hands. What did I do?

He was looking at me again. I guess I didn't mind that, but the rush had just got worse. Blood rushed to my cheeks; I could feel them blazing without having to touch them. Oh gods, I must look worse than Jenna did in Madra…

The red faded away quickly (thank the gods), and I wondered if it was just something completely random. Glancing up, I noticed that he'd pinched out another candle with his fingertips and was almost distractedly reorganising the Psynergy charms, slotting them into pockets apparently at random. I fingered the gem again as I stood up, not thinking about anything in particular.

"…Sheba…"

I turned around before I risked pushing open the mulish, whining door. I could sense the gem glowing red again, softer this time despite the brightness. "Is something wrong?"

"I – just wanted to say thank you." He nodded a couple of times, rapidly, as if he was trying to convince himself that was what he really wanted to say. I didn't believe him. There are a lot of things he says that the others buy, but I don't.

Mind Read.

I watched him through my half-shut eyes while my body pulsed with Psynergy. His breathing got faster, but he wasn't trying to get away from me like so many others do when they realise what I'm doing. If anything, he didn't seem to be very bothered by my spur of the moment stunt.

I found what I was looking for and almost fell over in disbelief.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah…yeah, I'm fine." I straightened myself up and considered the possibilities confronting him would bring, twisting the little diamond chunk on its gold chain distractedly. What should I do? What to do about it if anything happens?

He came up to me while I was lost in reverie and wrapped his arms around me again in a hug. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Something wet plitched onto my shoulder. "I didn't want you to get involved at all…"

I'll let him hold me for a bit. Maybe it'll help. Both of us, now I think about it.

…

I quite like this. In fact, I like it a lot.

…

My fingers dried his tears away and tilted his head downwards slightly.

…

I like this even more.

…

The diamond flashed suddenly, making both of us look down at it and spring apart. I wanted to yank it off my neck, but it was somehow more a noose than a chain and I couldn't move it at all. Struggling just made it worse… ohgodsohgodsohgods I can't breathe…

"Let go of it. Sheba, let go of it!" he whispered, trying to make my fingers unlock from around the chain. "Oh, bloody hell!"

ican'tbreatheican'tbreatheican'tbreathe

Something flashed in the darkness.

ican'tbreathe…

"Shh. Let go of it," he said softly, somehow managing to disconnect my hands from the gold chain. "I'm sorry, Sheba…this might hurt…"

I was dimly aware of the fact he'd made a small incision in my free hand and was shuddering with Psynergy rings as he touched the diamond to the cut.

Oh gods, what is this? Such…such indescribable pain…my mind…my body… somehow I can feel the diamond's power being slashed away from me, ripping skin from my flesh. I want to yell, I want it to stop, want it to be over forever. It hurts so much…I want to end it, no matter what the price…

My eyes snapped open painfully. Psynergy pushed through my veins, desperately healing up the wounds caused by the removal of the gem from around my neck. My skin around that area felt sore and I could dimly see the gradually fading red marks that must have been glowing angrily in those frantic seconds.

"What…oh gods…what did I do?" I managed to ask.

"It's okay. It's gone." He sucked in air. "I can't believe I just did that."

I looked up at him, my eyes pleading. "What's happened…? Felix, tell me…"

He held out the gem for me to see as I sat up. "It's lost all its power."

It shone blankly in the candlelight, without any of its previous lustre and with its gold chain broken in several places, almost as if something had cleaved the links apart. I could see the emptiness inside the precious, poisonous gem that had brought him so much pain. "All of its power?"

"Maybe not all. But anything that could hurt us." He sighed. "I lied about the asthma. It was the diamond strangling me up on deck. The Proxians mentioned that sometimes it liked to punish its bearers if they misbehaved," he added. "I think we got rid of that habit."

"So it still tests our emotions?"

"I guess so." Picking it up, he wound the chain around the gem and placed it next to the remaining Psynergy charms on the chest of drawers. "But not right now. We should be allowed to keep some secrets."

He helped me to my feet and lifted my chin. I think I definitely could get used to this. Especially now that damned ritual can be forgotten.

I can't help but wonder…is it normal to end up being this attached to one of your kidnappers? To have these sorts of feelings for one?

Right now I reckon I like this too much to care. And I'm fairly certain the same could be said for him too. Somehow I doubt Jenna's going to find out.

I can't believe I thought he was dying the first time I saw the ritual. If his kissing's anything to go by, he's very definitely going to be alive for a lot longer than he thinks. There's too much joy inside him for him to die any time soon.

Hm. I reckon a new ritual is needed. If I'm a 'holy girl', I should be able to think of something suitable. But no matter what, we need to find (or create) a new ritual. One that won't end up hurting us. Any of us.