Author's note: I don't know why I was thinking of this….maybe just the humor of it all really.
Disclaimer: The Malfoys and Hermione are owned by J.K. Rowling.
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Twelve things Hermione is not allowed to do as a Malfoy…
Number Twelve: Scream and moan really loud when she and Draco are having sex, making his parents uncomfortable that she is corrupting their son in the next room. No matter how mean they were to her and no matter how many times they said she was scum and she'd never live up to their expectations….it isn't very polite and it makes his parents start a awful long conversation at breakfast the next morning about 'grandchildren and marital sex' which makes it undesirable for both couples.
Number eleven: Start an argument with a portrait and then threaten them by saying she will burn their portrait or put it in the attic or dungeons where the other 'bad' portraits were. No matter how much Narcissa's mother hates her, there's no excuse for spray painting a hot-pink mustache and go-tee on her while she was sleeping!
Number Ten: Tell Lucius about muggle prisons and ask if he was anybody's "bitch" in Azkaban. You know because the Malfoys seem like big sissies and the Malfoys have great hair henceforth making him seem like perfect bitch material.
Number nine: Treat Lucius's prized hunting dogs as pets. If she feeds them table scraps and pets them all the time they seem to grow lazy and fat…so Lucius cant brag about them anymore…which makes Draco get into trouble for his wife thinking dogs should be loved not used.
Number Eight: Get Narcissa addicted to 'the real housewives of New York or Orange County' because she seems to think she could star in a reality TV show and be just as bitchy. Or get her addicted to 'project runway' because she starts picking up lines like "fierce" or "make it work" or "Your either in or your out…" Henceforth making everybody annoyed…don't even mention what happens when she watches desperate housewives or the shopping channel!
Number seven: Name the first heir after Dumbledore or Godric Gryffindor as it would take some explaining to people why he is in slytherin or why a Malfoy would name their child that…
Number six: Take Beatles, The who, and aerosmith records and play them on the manor's antique record players because the Malfoys seem to prefer symphony No.5 then 'Let It be' or 'all you need is love.'
Number five: Take Malfoy heirlooms to Antique Roadshow to see how much they are actually worth…because you know, she is curious to see if they are really real or they are just knock offs.
Number four: Give the elves benefits, witch includes payroll, beds and proper clothing and food because the three other Malfoys will get angry when an elf expects them to pay them for fetching something or when they pull out a document for 'work men's comp' after they were told to hurt themselves.
Number three: Tell people in interviews with the daily prophet and witch weekly that she married Draco for the books. Even though she was joking, it still made the family look bad.
Number two: Try to alphabetize the library of millions of books and read them all, because they never see her for weeks after she enters the library and start to worry.
Number one: Offer congratulations instead of condolences at Malfoy or Black family funerals. Even if they were mean and snobby to her and think of her as scum, it isn't proper and once again pisses of her in-laws. Even though Draco gets a kick out of it.
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Author's note: Yep there you go! Twelve things Hermione is not allowed to do as a Malfoy.