Burn the books they've got too many names and psychoses

-UR, Alanis Morissette

1

A Very Happy Day

"'It is a truth universally acknowledge that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.'" Kitty Bennet raised a doubtful eyebrow at the book in her hands as she read aloud. "'However little known the feelings or views of such a man may be on his first entering a neighborhood, this truth is so well fixed in the minds of the surrounding families that he is considered as the rightful property of some one or other of their daughters.'" The girl wrinkled her nose. "I have to say, I'm impressed. Out of all the shitty gifts you have ever given me on my birthday, this takes the cake."

"I'm not surprised. It is a crappy excuse of a book." Elizabeth, a sister, stretched out lazily on the apartment couch, propping her head up with her elbow. "Jane said it was about some girl who hated this rich guy, and then through a series of events, eventually falls in love with him. Doesn't it just scream cliché shit?" Kitty nodded solemnly as she continued to read silently from the offending book. "Jane also said something about the names of the characters in the book, and then smiled in her 'I-know-a-hilarious-secret-that's-actually-not-that-funny-once-you-know-about-it' smile. It sort of creeped me out, I'll admit. D'you think Jane is turning into an evil Warlord…or, uh, Warlordess?"

"Bye the way, where is Jane?" asked Kitty, though absentmindedly, on account she was still reading from the book. Elizabeth, bemused, began to wonder how long would it be before Kitty started gushing and squealing on how noble and handsome the hero was, and how beautiful-spirited and independent the heroine is, and how absolutely perfect they were for each other.

"Jodie called and said that she wanted Jane to work extra hours at the clinic. She's such a bitch—she knew we had plans this evening, and during her call, she didn't even let Jane get a word in edgewise. I tried to tell Jane to just not go, but she wouldn't listen. She said that if her boss wanted her to come in and work, she had an obligation to do just that. Don't be angry with her, Kits. She's fishing for that promotion, and is really determined to get it."

This time Kitty didn't even answer; she had furrowed her brow in concentration, and was reading intently from the book. Smiling mischievously, Lizzy tore a piece of wrapping paper into a little ball, and threw it at her sister. Kitty didn't even flinch. Sighing, Elizabeth was about to throw more wrapping paper when her sister exclaimed, "God! He is such a jerk."

"Who, Kitty?" Elizabeth tried very hard not to laugh, but failed. However, her sister was so indignant she didn't notice.

"The asshole Mr. Darcy in this book, that's who! The heroine was at this ball, 'kay, and he and his friend was standing near her—within earshot. The friend was trying to get him to dance, and recommended the heroine, and this is what he said back—'She is tolerable, but handsome enough to temp me; and I am in no humor to give consequence to ladies that are slighted by other men. You had better return to your partner and enjoy her smiles, for you are wasting your time with me.' Seriously, he is such a jerk!"

Lizzy swallowed a giggled, and said, in a rather forced normal voice, "I take it you don't like the book that much?"

It did the trick. The book was no more hovering around Kitty's face, much in her lap, and she was staring at her sister in a mixture of shock and offense. "Why would you not like this book? It's totally friggin' awesome. And if you insult it in any which way again, I'll personally cut of your hand and feed it to my pet lions. So there." Elizabeth smirked. "By the way, Lizzy, can I throw a party tomorrow while you and Jane are out?"

"Hmmmm," Elizabeth said, pretending to think hard, "Let's see…well, how about no."

Kitty laughed at her expression, but tried a different tactic. "Jeez, sorry! I didn't know I was forbidden to throw myself a birthday party!"

Sitting up, her sister sighed, a long, exasperated sigh, and Kitty knew there wasn't a chance in hell she would actually pull off to get Elizabeth's permission. Slowly, enunciating every word as if she were speaking to a child, Elizabeth said, "Kitty, you know very damn well I don't want the apartment decorated with stray Doritos bags on the floor and throw up in the carpet. Nor do I want to explain to the landlady exactly why the apartment house is on fire while she's in LA. Anyways, the apartment is way too small for one of your parties," a beat, "Oh, and also I'm antisocial."

Kitty rolled her eyes and grinned. "You just figured that out, huh?" Her grin gradually faded as she noticed how positively evil the look that Elizabeth was giving was; her sister's eyes were narrowed dangerously, a mischievous smirk played on her lips. Widening her eyes, Kitty sprang up, out of the armchair and bounded behind it. From behind the armchair, Kitty waiting anxiously for her doom, but only heard the boisterous laughter of her sister. Standing up cautiously, Kitty looked warily around the room. Elizabeth was nowhere to been seen. However, the laughter continued. A-HA! Kitty, whirled around on her hell to see Elizabeth, who was at the moment laughing like she'd seen the funniest thing ever. Narrowing her eyes, Kitty said, irate, "It's not that funny."

"You—should've—seen your—your face!" Kitty crossed her arms over her chest, glaring at her sister until she stopped laughing. After a few seconds, the mirth faded away, and the giggles came less and less. Kitty repeated her sentiment, but Elizabeth dismissed it immediately. "It was that that funny. You looked like a deer in headlights…that, or that you crapped in your pants."

If one grew up in a Bennet household, there was a set of unwritten laws that are to be followed every Monday morning, whether they wanted to or not, for most of them are just natural Bennet instinct. The list is as follows:

Wake up (this may need two or more alarm clocks)

Get dressed (this may consume to five to twenty minutes of your time depending on who you were or who thought you should look nicer)

Eat breakfast (which is a strainful affair in itself with five daughters at the same table)

Scream at a family member (minimum 2)

And then, these things set aside, you were supposed to go out into the public with a smile on your face and to pretend you didn't stayed up 'till 4 last night or you don't have that massive hangover from that 'sip or two' of wine. Suffice to say, Elizabeth hated Mondays. And soon that hatred of getting up every morning to do increasingly boring work at her supposedly 'dream' publishing job overwhelmed Elizabeth, and she quit, setting herself free. With her dream of being an editor, and a possible author, smashed into millions of pieces, Elizabeth fell back onto what she loved. Though the second choice, owning her own bakery had been a rather refreshing occupation, and the sort of odd characters that came and went through her shop had always amused her, and all the while she was doing a hobby for a living, so how better could it get?

To her credit, Elizabeth baked well, and she had many regulars that just wanted a quick cup of coffee and a muffin before they set off to work, and then there was always the odd college student who dropped in and sampled the goods, then told there friends about how awesome the food was at the bakery down the street. And so Elizabeth was successful, and to her relief, Kitty helped out during the summer if the demand became a bit overwhelming for one person. But, despite all of her satisfaction with her job and success, all of it came crashing down in the dirt whenever life played a little, bitter trick called Monday morning.

Yawning violently, Elizabeth blinked and squinted at the road in front of her as she drove to her shop. Muttering obscenities under her breath, she glared at the other early morning Boston drivers, then stared at the red stop light, wondering if she was actually in her right mind by getting up so early to only serve coffee to old boring coots trapped in dreary jobs like accounting or computer programming or banking. Shaking her head again to stay awake, she glanced at Kitty, who was snuggled comfortably in the passenger seat, her eyes barely open. She was probably sleeping. Lucky duck!

Soon the car turned into the familiar alley that led to the back of the building. Elizabeth parked locked the car, simultaneously shaking her drowsy sister awake. "Work." She stated rather blandly, and Kitty grimaced, but opened her eyes. And thus the sister set on to the familiar patterns of the workday, baking, mixing, and yawning. Soon enough, Mrs. Long, the department store manager from across the street, cam bustling in for her daily cup of coffee and chocolate muffin.

Mrs. Long was the type of woman who had an impenetrable urge to know anything and everything about anyone and everyone in Boston. She feeded on gossip, and if a celebrity moved their pinky finger, Mrs. Long would know about it not three minutes later. And today, Mrs. Long had news to tell.

"Have you heard?" But before Elizabeth could utter anything at all, she proceed, "William Darcy has bought a penthouse, here in Boston. I can't imagine why, he's always down south anyway, and then if he's not, he resides in LA. Though I have heard his sister, Georgiana, is going to BU this year—just like your sister Lydia, hmm?"

"Yes," said Elizabeth, taking a batch of cooks from Kitty, and progressed to put them in the glass casing under the counter. "Lydia is going to BU this year."

Mrs. Long gave her a withering look. "You don't see the point, Lizzy dear. What do you have to say on William Darcy?"

Elizabeth sighed to herself, but smiled pleasantly at the woman. "He's the guy that owns…like everything there is to own. I'm not even sure what his profession is—I get a headache if I read articles about him. And," she raised her voice only a fraction, "he is pretty filthy rich and the rich, in my opinion, are gussied-up snobs."

Mrs. Long sniffed. "You know, Lizzy-girl, if you keep that attitude you'll never marry. You'll be like the Charlotte Lucas—the one who works at the Starbucks in the store."

"Mrs. Long, may I remind you Charlotte has a boyfriend, and that I do not?" Elizabeth pointed out, hiding her smile. Many times Elizabeth had tried to figure out why exactly Mrs. Long hated Charlotte. She just always seemed to look upon her as something that the cat dragged in.

"Ah, m'dear, but you are much more pretty and smart; more deserving than," the woman grimaced, disgusted, "Charlotte Lucas! So plain and boring!"

"She has a sense of humor." Elizabeth defended her friend.

"Shush, girl!" After a few more minutes of banter, where Elizabeth acquired the knowledge Will Darcy was actually a lawyer, Mrs. Long left for her shift. A lawyer, huh? Thought he have a much more elaborate profession; he's so popular with the media. Two hours later, Jane called.

"Lizzy? I called to conform our plans for tonight," came the soft, gentle tone that Jane always used, "We're going out with Charlie and his friend. You get to meet both Charlie and Will."

"Whoop-dee-doo." Elizabeth said sarcastically. Charlie was a rich owner of some hotel chain, Netherfield, and Elizabeth had seen his picture many times in magazines like People or US Weekly. Unlike William Darcy's, the articles about Charles Bingley were not so headache inducing. With all her, well, less than satisfactory experiences with the rich, Elizabeth was a bit prejudiced.

"Lizzy—" Jane warned, but then Elizabeth cut her off.

"I know, I know, Jane. Don't explode into a raging fit of Lizzy-ness, and don't openly insult people before I get to know them. But it so hard," said Elizabeth, silently laughing, "They all act like conceited jerks I have to insult them."

"Charlie's not like that. He is all that is good and kind. I think you would like him, Lizzy." Jane's voice was a touch pleading, an Elizabeth immediately soften with the suspicion she might've hurt Jane's feelings.

"I have no doubt of that, Jane." She said, although not quite sincere. That tiny voice in the back of her head kept persistently saying that all the rich were just like Danny. Shaking the unwanted thoughts away, Elizabeth chatted with Jane for another minute or so, agreeing that Kitty and her would pick Jane up at the clinic on their way home.

The phone had not been in its cradle for three seconds before a certain sister popped up beside Elizabeth. "Who was that?" Kitty smiled 'innocently' at her sister.

Elizabeth raised an eyebrow, and replied, rather cautiously, "It was Jane, confirming our plans to go out with Charlie and his friend." She looked at her sister warily, in much the same way Kitty did the evening before.

"Lizzy's got a boyfriend," trilled Kitty in a sing-song voice, "And it's not even eleven o' clock!" She grinned cheekily.

Despite her initial reaction to groan at Kitty's antics, Elizabeth laughed. Shaking her head, Elizabeth went into the back were the oven was; they hadn't had a customer in over a half hour, for this was a particularly slow time for the bakery. Elizabeth reasoned she had much better spend her time baking than staring out the window. Kitty soon followed. They started to make a new batch chocolate chip brownies, and began mixing in ingredients. Elizabeth had just put them into the oven when she heard a distinct male voice from the front of the store.

"What kind of business doesn't have people at the counter? Really, Georgi, they are probably just a bunch of starving high school drop outs that hardly know to turn on an oven. They aren't professional, we'd better go back to that other place and just order a custom cake."

Bristling, Elizabeth marched from out of the back and was about to tell this guy exactly what she thought of him, but she stopped when she saw him. Good-looking didn't cover it, handsome seemed lacking, but this guy was bloody gorgeous. Hell, he resembled Colin Firth—how better could it get? Dark, brooding eyes, and luscious dark curls, Elizabeth could've swooned if she was the swooning type. But, a sharp reality shattered any hopes of romance, he thinks you're high school drop out. Why is it always the good-looking ones hate her, are as smart as the nail on her bedroom wall, or gay?

"How may I help you?" Elizabeth asked, her tone rather sharp and stinging. There was a girl, apparently 'Georgi', that she hadn't noticed before. She was short, even for a girl, and had big, dark eyes like the man beside her. Her hair, however, was straight and golden-colored, and right now, the girl looked as if Elizabeth was about to murder her. Softening a bit, Elizabeth smiled at her. Even if the guy's a bastard it's not nice to think the girl's a bitch, too. Elizabeth told herself.

"Uh, hi." The girl said a bit shakily, "Uh, we would like to order a custom made cake. Uh, I guess fourteen inch yellow cake…white frosting and those blue roses?" Elizabeth nodded at correct intervals, smiling a bit, but her smile vanished when her companion caught her eye. She glared at him, but told Georgi the bill. "Will, that's you department."

'Will' wrote out a check and handed it Elizabeth, who studied it for a moment. 36.99 to Muffins And Such…William Darcy. Wait! Elizabeth's eyes widened considerably as she saw the name. William Darcy is buying a cake from my shop? Figures he'd be an arrogant jerk…I was always right about the rich. "You're William Darcy?" She asked, a bit dumbfounded.

His face hardened, and he stared at her warily. "Yes," he said flatly.

Elizabeth raised her head to meet his gaze, and smiling a sardonic smile, she said, "You're cake will be ready in three days, but you can pick it up whenever you like." He raised an eyebrow at her, as if expecting her to say something more. Sorry buddy, this girl won't fawn over you like you're the greatest thing since Bridget Jones's Diary "Is there anything else I can help you with?"

Georgi opened her mouth to say something, but Darcy quickly cut her off with a quick "No." And so the two left the shop to a smirking Elizabeth. "Will, I can't believe you said that!" Georgi exclaimed as they left. Elizabeth watched them leave. I have to tell Jane about this.

"Gosh, Lizzy. I don't believe it. How could anyone say something so nasty about someone before even meeting them?" Jane commented as Elizabeth retold her tale as they pulled into the parking lot of the bar they were meeting Charlie and his friend at.

"Well, he did." Elizabeth said simply, smirking. She got out of the car and started walking through the doorway. She continued, "Well, he wrote a check for the cake."

"Look, there's Charlie!" Jane pointed, and Elizabeth followed her finger to a friendly looking guy with curly, blonde hair, and a wide smile. He stood next a tall, dark-haired boy. Elizabeth followed Jane as she walked toward him.

"Well, I saw the name on the check," said Elizabeth as they drew near, "And guess whose names was on the check?" The sisters stopped in front of the two guys.

"Who?" Jane whispered out of the corner of her mouth.

"Hello Jane," Charlie smiled, and turned to Elizabeth, "And you must be Elizabeth?" She nodded her confirmation. "This is my friend…" and the dark-haired man turned around. Elizabeth gasped. "…William Darcy." It was him, the same, dark-haired, brooding-eyed jerk from the bakery! His dark eyes widened in recognition, and Elizabeth just stared at him as if her had three heads.

Oh fucking happy day.

000

Well, here's the first chapter of the new version. Personally, I like it better, but you guys can decide on your own. I added two scenes, changed one, and cut one.

Review soon and tell me what you think.