Title: The Best Man
Author: GatorGrrrl
Rating: T/PG-13
Warnings: bad words, slash
Pairings: Josh/Mindy, Drake/Josh

Author's Note: Okay, this chapter is basically one long conversation. And by the way...seven pages of dialogue? Not as easy as it sounds. Sigh. I'm pooped. Enjoy!

Chapter 9: Residual Damages

The room was oppressively quiet. Drake could hear the thump of his heart against his ribs and the sound of his own breathing. He watched as Josh took a tentative step towards him.

"Your landlady was on her way out when I rang the bell. She said I could wait here for you," Josh said.

"Remind me to thank her later," Drake said, deadpan. Those were the first words he'd spoken since he walked in.

"She seemed nice," Josh said. "A little odd, maybe, but nice. She seemed to really like you."

"What do you want?" Drake asked him bluntly.

Josh seemed taken aback because it took him a moment to answer. "I wanted to see you," he finally said. "It's been a long time."

"One year, four days, and – " Drake looked at the big brass antique clock on the mantel and did a quick calculation "–three hours," he said, looking back at Josh. "But who's counting." He held Josh's gaze and tried to tell himself that the burning in his gut was from the four cups of coffee he'd had that morning.

Josh opened his mouth, then closed it again, swallowing hard, his Adam's apple bobbing in his throat. "Boston's bigger than I thought," he said.

"Not if you live here," Drake said. "It feels more like a small town."

"The weather's nice," Josh said, smiling a little. "I thought it would be hotter."

"Is this what we're doing?" Drake asked, irritated. He seemed frozen to his spot in the entryway; he couldn't retreat, couldn't advance. He was trapped in No Man's Land.

"What?"

"You didn't come all this way to talk about the weather, did you? Your father's a fucking weather man, for Christ's sake." Your father. Like Walter wasn't related to him at all.

"Drake–"

"How's your wife?"

Drake watched Josh's face change at that, watched his small smile dissolve, and felt a tiny flicker of satisfaction spark inside his chest.

Josh pressed his lips together and breathed out through his nose, meeting Drake's gaze with darkened eyes. "Not my wife anymore."

Drake had to make a conscious effort not to clench his hands into fists. "Since when?" he asked quietly.

Josh's gaze didn't waver. "Officially? Since a week ago. We signed the papers the day before I left to come here," he said.

Drake just stared at him. "Is that all?" he asked after a moment.

Josh's brow furrowed. "Is what all?"

"Is that all you came to tell me? 'Cause if it is, you can go," Drake said.

Josh chewed on the inside of his cheek. "I was hoping…" he finally said, taking another step towards Drake. He held his hands open in front of him, then let them fall to his sides. "I was hoping we could talk."

"We are talking. The weather, remember? It's not as hot as you expected." Drake didn't want to do this, didn't want to be standing here. He felt his hard-won resolve slipping slowly away. "There's nothing left to talk about," he said, his voice softer.

"What about you and me?" Josh asked. "What about us?"

"Us?" Drake asked, incredulous. "There is no us, Josh. You made sure of that."

"Drake, I…" Josh said, shaking his head slightly. "I know you're angry."

Drake made an effort to look nonchalant, crossing his arms casually over his chest. "I'm not angry, Josh," he said, keeping his voice even. "Not anymore. Now I'm indifferent."

"Indifferent."

"Yeah," Drake said. "It means I don't give a shit."

Josh just looked at him. "I know what it means."

"Of course you do. You know everything. Up to and including how to fuck me over." Drake felt a muscle twitch in his jaw and dug his fingers into his arms. Okay, so maybe he wasn't so indifferent after all.

He watched Josh watch him, saw the rise and fall of Josh's chest, saw the fingers of his left hand spasm against his thigh. Then Josh said, "I know I hurt you."

Drake felt the sting of tears behind his eyes and gritted his teeth against it. "Hurt me? You cut me open while I was still breathing and ripped my fucking heart out," he said angrily. "But I'm okay now. Thanks for asking."

Josh just stared at him. "I'm sorry." The words were barely audible, even in the quiet stillness of the room.

"That's nice. Me, too. I'm sorry you came all this way for nothing."

Josh looked beseechingly at him. "I don't know what else to tell you," he said.

Drake should just walk away right now, should just turn around and leave this scene behind, but he couldn't. Because there was one thing he had to know; it was the one thing he never understood. "Tell me why," he said.

"Why what?"

Drake swallowed. "Why you married her." He'd asked Josh that a thousand times in his dreams and had never gotten an answer. He wanted one now.

Josh just looked at him. "I promised her."

"You promised her. That's it?" Drake's face flushed with anger. He'd waited a year for that? "That's what you said a year ago, Josh. And it's still not good enough." He let his arms drop to his sides. "You promised her," he said again, shaking his head. "You also promised her 'til death do us part, but you sure as hell fucking broke that one."

"Drake," Josh said. "I know that's not good enough. But I don't know how to explain it to you so you'll understand."

"Try using small words. Short sentences," Drake spat. "I'll do my best to keep up."

"That's not what I meant–"

"I told you I loved you," Drake said, cutting him off. His voice sounded hoarse and he cursed himself for it.

"I know."

"And you married her anyway."

"Yes."

"Fuck you." He'd never said that to Josh before and saying it now…well, it didn't feel as good as he'd hoped it would. His eyes welled – dammit – and he looked away. He wanted to run up to his room and lock the door, wanted to shut him out, but he was tired of running.

"She was perfect for me, you know?" he heard Josh say. "Or she should've been."

Drake looked back at him. "There's no such thing as perfect, Josh," he said. "Just varying degrees of almost."

They looked at each other in silence for a long time, the seconds piling up like stones between them. "She finally asked me," Josh said.

"Asked you what?"

"If I was in love with you."

Drake just looked at him.

"That's what finally ended it," Josh said. When Drake didn't say anything, he continued. "We were arguing." He sighed. "We were always arguing. Your name came up and she just came right out and asked me. So I told her."

"What did she say?"

Josh smiled slightly. "She said, 'I knew it.' "

Drake just stared at him for a moment, then turned and leaned his back against the entryway, tilting his head back to look at the ceiling. He suddenly felt exhausted.

"I still love you."

Drake squeezed his eyes shut at the words. "No," he said, shaking his head. "Uh-uh." He opened his eyes and turned his head to look at Josh. "You don't get to say that to me. Not anymore."

"Drake…"

Drake pushed away from the wall, the beginnings of self-righteous anger buzzing beneath his skin. He thought he'd finally managed to tuck it all away for good, but apparently it had just been hiding right beneath the surface. "You have no idea what I've gone through," he said, hot tears stinging his eyes. Fuck it, he thought. Let 'em fall. "I loved you, Josh. More than I've ever loved anyone. And God, I know how 'Movie of the Week' that sounds. But it's the truth. When you told me you were married, it was like a knife twisted in my heart. And it fucking hurt. And everyday I walked around with it." The tears finally spilled over and he wiped angrily at them. "I burned everything I had that reminded me of you. I moved 3,000 miles away so I wouldn't have to see you anymore." He stopped and took a breath. When he spoke again, the anger was gone from his voice. "It's taken me a year to get here. To get to the point where I can think about you and still breathe." He took another breath and let it out, watching Josh, who was looking back at him with wide, shining eyes. He ran his hand across his eyes again. "I've made a life for myself here," he continued. "It may not be the one I wanted, but it's mine. Without you."

Josh looked down then and Drake heard him sniffle, saw him wipe at his eyes. When he looked up again, his eyes were red. "Everyday," he said, "I've had to live with the fact that I let you walk away." He shook his head. "That day at the church, I should've told you I loved you."

Drake's chest ached with the words. "Why didn't you?"

"I was scared, Drake," Josh said, frustrated. "Since the first day I moved into your room all those years ago, you've thrown my life off-balance. You're like a force of nature, changing everything around you. But Mindy…" He sighed. "Mindy was safe. I always knew where I stood with her. I was always on solid ground. And that day in the park, when you walked away for good, I took it as proof that I'd made the right decision. Because I knew she would never leave me."

"That's not fair," Drake whispered. "You left me first."

Josh nodded. "Yeah, but I couldn't let myself see it that way, don't you see? I had to have something to blame you for. If only he'd stayed, I told myself, things would've worked out. He would've convinced me the impossible could happen, like always. But he didn't care enough to stay, so see?, I'm better off without him." He laughed, but it was a sad sound. "Only I wasn't. And in the end, Mindy left me, too." He walked over to Drake until he was within arm's reach; Drake could feel his body heat. It was the closest they'd been to each other since that day in the park. "I've always loved you, Drake. Always. Even when I thought you'd never love me back."

Drake closed his eyes and lowered his head. "It shouldn't be this hard," he said. It would be so easy to let Josh hold him right now, to listen to him say it'll be alright. It would be so easy to allow himself to believe it, too. But he couldn't let go of a year of pain that easily; the memories of it were still too fresh. He looked up, shook his head. "I can't do this again, Josh. I won't. It hurts too much."

But Josh was shaking his head. "It's different this time, Drake," he said, gripping Drake's shoulders. "This time, there's nothing in the way. It's just us. It's just me asking you to give me another chance. Please."

"Josh. Don't do this." Josh's hands felt like they were burning him.

Josh held his gaze without blinking. "Tell me you don't love me," he said, a note of urgency in his voice. "Tell me that and I'll leave you to your life."

"That's just it," Drake whispered. "I do love you." He shook his head and looked into those hazel eyes he loved so much. "I just wish I didn't."

The blood drained from Josh's face and Drake saw his lips begin to tremble. "I see," Josh whispered, letting his hands fall away. "Okay."

This time, it was Josh's turn to walk away.

Josh was halfway down the front walk when Drake opened the front door. He watched Josh's retreating back and felt like he was standing on the edge of an abyss; one false move and everything would end. His hands shook with uncertainty and he pressed them firmly against his sides.

He took a breath and then took a leap; after all, he'd always been one for taking chances. "So I guess I'm supposed to tell myself he didn't care enough to stay," he called around the lump in his throat.

Josh stopped in his tracks at the foot of the walkway, his back to Drake, and Drake saw his shoulders slump, saw his head droop. After a moment, he raised it again and turned his face slightly towards Drake. "Don't bother," he said over his shoulder, his voice rough. "It doesn't work."

Drake looked at Josh's profile and felt something shift inside him, felt something that had been missing slide into place. "I don't really know how to do this," he said. He was scared as hell and wasn't sure about any of it, really, except for one thing: He couldn't just let Josh walk away.

Josh turned around then and met Drake's eyes and for a moment, it was almost like it used to be, before everything fell apart. "Me, neither," he said and smiled. "But I'm willing to learn, if you are."

Drake just smiled back.

THE END

Please review (even if it's to tell me how schmaltzy the ending was). Thanks!

On to the sequel, "Pieces of You and Me"...